How to Understand Why a Similarity of Social Background is so Im­portant for a Successful Marriage

Why is a similarity of social background so im­portant?

On one point practically all studies of success in marriage agree. The more similar their social background, the greater chance a couple will have for success and the easier and hap­pier will be their adjustments. The problem can be likened, in some respects, to that of language. You might associate for a time with someone speaking another language just because you found it interesting, or because you wished to learn their language. But in permanent association the problems of ad­justment will be much easier with your own group.

For example, if a large number of men speaking different languages were to get jobs in which they must work to­gether, it will be easier on all concerned if each elects to join those of his own language. The Spaniard who chooses to work with a Spanish-speaking group does not thereby imply that he thinks his language is better than French, or Russian, or Chinese. He merely means that he will have a less dif­ficult time, and be under less of a strain if he and those with whom he works speak the same language. So it is with mar­riage. Marriage is a job which often puts those who work to­gether at it under considerable pressure. The more they can speak the same language in their backgrounds and standards, the more satisfactory will be the relationship and the better job they will do. Your own group may not be bet­ter than other groups, but it is usually better for you.

Are you from the same social class? What difference does it make?

Yes, we do have social classes here in America. They may not be as clearly defined as they are in England, or in India, but they are here, and they make a real difference in the selection of a life partner. Professor W. Lloyd Warner has classified Americans into three main classes; upper, middle, and lower. These groups show very real differences in such matters as morals, manners, customs, ideas, ideals, speech, political affiliation, and church membership. Class is deter­mined largely by who will accept whom. These distinctions are based mainly upon family. Money makes some difference, but is not most important. The wealthiest are usually not at the top, and the white-collar worker will often rate higher than a better paid manual worker. Other factors which determine status are vocation, part of the town lived in, re­spectability, and education. Except for the upper-uppers, these classes are not fixed by birth. Many people are able to pull themselves up a notch, especially from the lower into the middle classes. Occasionally a person steps down a place or two to where the strain is not so great.

Social class indicates how people "rate" in their com­munity. It has little to do with merit or worth. To call a social class higher or lower is not to say that it is better or worse. The "lower" classes are, on the whole, quite as moral and intelligent as those in the "higher" classes. Often they are more personable and better-looking. Therefore men espe­cially, and sometimes women, may prefer mates from a class "lower" than their own. Yet differences in social class can make a real difference to the success or the failure of a mar­riage.

If an upper-class boy marries a girl from a lower class, she may be accepted by his group. But if so, she must be willing to learn and to adopt the speech and many of the manner­isms and etiquette of his class. For a bright middle-class girl, this may not be difficult. She may be able to pick it up merely by being alert. But for a lower-class girl it can be difficult. Remember Shaw's Pygmalion, and the terrific struggle of the poor girl from the slums who was being taught to talk and act like a duchess? How can one learn in a short time, what one born in the class took many years to acquire? The task of overcoming the contrary speech and habits of a lifetime can put a strain upon the whole relationship which may prove more than it can endure. Christopher Morley portrays this vividly in his Kitty Foyle, the story of a working-class girl who finds the adjustments which she would be required to make in order to be accepted by Wyn Strafford's upper-class family intolerable.

Social acceptability may be important for vocational suc­cess. If a man is not to be handicapped in landing either jobs or business deals, he and his wife must usually be able to associate with those in his social class as equals. Under some circumstances this may mean being acceptable to the "right" clubs and social groups. Yes, this matter of class is important.

And don't forget the families. It might be better if all who married were required to be without living relatives. But since this does not seem feasible, the continued interest of the families is a fact which must be taken into consideration. Remember that neither you nor your parents can act toward each other as if they had not brought you up. And if Uncle Bill and Aunt Sue had fingers in the pie of your develop­ment, even emotionally, neither can they. If you can live far enough away from all relatives, you may be safer. But in these days of rapid communication, even this may not be enough. The attitude of your families toward social class is one factor which you must, by all means, take into considera­tion.

Finally, there is yourself. You may think, in the glow of your fantasy, that love will cover all differences. You will better rely upon intelligent understanding. Because of the particular social class in which you have been brought up, each of you will come to marriage with definite ideas of what constitutes proper conduct and good taste. You are in for some shocks, in any case. But if you come from the same social class, each of you is more likely to behave as the other thinks proper. If you come from different classes, you are each likely to have habits which will add to the difficulties of the marriage adjustment.

In this matter of marrying one from a different social class, we are not saying "don't." We do say that it is usually better and possible to marry someone from your own social class and thus save yourselves trouble. If you do select someone from another social class you should both know what you are up against. The best way to know is for both of you to work out the adjustments which will be necessary. These adjustments should be made, certainly before you marry, and if possible, before you become engaged.

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