A LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP- IS IT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?

I was asked to write an article about long-distance relationships. I personally haven’t had any experience with long-distance relationships, so I was compelled to ask my writing partners/editors what exactly is a long- distance relationship?

Dr. Robby in his past had a couple of long distance relationships and over the years has consulted and counselled many people who have been involved in a long distance love affair. On a regular basis Cucan my editor/publisher and the author of Retrieve a Love is consulted regularly on this question.

By asking the question, I realized that is really the key to finding out if a long-distance relationship is what a personal really wants.

I realized in order to have a healthy, long-distance relationship, both partners need to be on the same page and both of you need to have your needs met otherwise there may be toxicities or deficiencies in the relationship caused by hidden powerstruggles, unfulfilled expectations and/or needs not being met.

The following questions are designed to open communication with your partner as well as yourself to find out if the long-distance relationship is what you really want.

1) WHAT DOES A LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP MEAN TO YOU?

- What does a long-distance relationship mean to your partner?
- Does it mean that you will always have a long-distance relationship with this partner?
- Do you expect to get together with this partner ending the long distance part eventually, if so when? Does you your partner share the same time-line?

If the questions above are not clear between you and your partner, it will inevitably cause powerstruggles and unfulfilled expectations as well as a sense of longing.

2) IS ALL YOUR NEED BEING MET IN THE RELATIONSHIP?

For example, in our Love by Design book which teaches you how to attract your true love, we talk about values, values can be described as something that is important to you. It is something that you are willing to focus on, and put attention and time into in order to maintain.

Our ideas and beliefs about the relative worth of things in our lives are called Values. They are not facts, but choices we have made as we matured. When our actions match our Values, we experience emotional balance; when they don’t match, we feel frustrated and experience emotional imbalance.

Our Values play an integral part in determining the compatibility and success of our relationships. Values are the glue that holds people together. Lack of compatible Values can be the undoing of a relationship.

So for example, if you both have business or work-centred Values, then both of you will be happy and fulfilled having a relationship at distance. However, if one or both of you are relationship centred and crave being one on one every day, you may find the relationship unfulfilling because it is impossible to spend a great deal of time together, (even with excellent long-distance calling plans)

Speaking of long distance calls, another area that is of importance in a relationship are communication modes. The following is a brief description and overview about communication modes.

Communication is the result you get. Different people are on different channels. We learn, we express love and communicate through different modes or combinations of modes. It is important to know who you are playing with, what channel they are playing on or else your communication will not be very effective.

We basically all want to get what we want. If you can not get your message through of what your needs, wants, dreams, goals and visions, you will be very frustrated and stressed. You will feel very empty if you can not communicate the love you have to give the love you want, so an understanding of communication mode love strategies is a basic skill for relationship success.

The following is a very basic definition of the Communication modes. You and your partner can be primarily one mode or a mixture of up to all four.


Visual people communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things.

Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you.

Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood.

Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. They move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activities and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched.

So for a long distance relationship, obviously, an Auditory person will do better than most of the other communication modes, because as long as you are talking with it each you will be fine.

The other communication mode that is easily designed for long distance is Digital, because as long as you connect at a deep level whether that is by phone, email, texting, or letter writing, you will be satisfied. More than likely it is the Digital people who most often develop long distance relationships in the first place.

It is the other two Communication Modes that may not fair as well. Visuals need to do things and see their partners. After a while, or if the long-distance relationship is long term, they will begin to feel unfulfilled. Kinesthetic people need to touch and be touched in order to feel loved, so it’s pretty obvious that over time they will be begin to feel touch deprived and unfulfilled.

3) ARE YOU AT THE SAME COMMMITTMENT LEVEL?

For example, are you still allowed to date other people, or are you not allowed to date anyone else? Do you want to get married? Do you want to have family?

Understanding where you are at as far as commitment is important enough on its own in a relationship, but it is just as important to know where you are in a long-distance relationship so that you do not put your life on hold.

With these questions, it will help you sort out everything that is really going on in your relationship and from there you will be able to tell if it is truly what is that you want in a relationship.