3 Ways to Deal with a Partner who has Commitment Phobia

A partner who has commitment phobia can be a gift in disguise. It is a signal that there is something "awry." It's a "heads up" that there may be something not right in the relationship. Whether this is because you are not compatible (hence, not in your highest and best relationship), or because your partner may have unresolved baggage from past relationships, it is important to find out the cause of the lack of commitment.

Therefore, it is important to find out why your partner has commitment phobia, and from there you will then be able to decide what to do (or not do) about it.

The top three potential reasons for commitment issues are as follows:

1) Different commitment levels.
2) Emotional baggage.
3) Consciously or unconsciously just not into you.

Let's examine each of the above reasons.

1) DIFFERENT COMMITMENT LEVELS

As simple as it sounds, sometimes people are at different levels of commitment and they don't know it, or they think they are at the same level of commitment as their partner, but their partner has a different interpretation, rules or definition of the commitment level, even though you are both using the same terminology.

Examples of commitment levels are casually dating, going steady, being engaged or married. Both partners may agree that they are going steady, but they have different interpretations as to what that means. For example, one member of the partnership may believe that going steady means only seeing the other partner exclusively, but the other partner may think that going steady means that you go out regularly, but that they can still see other people. The first partner may see the other partner's actions of seeing other people as a sign that they are not committed to the relationship, whereas it really just means they are at different levels of commitment and have different definitions of the same term, "going steady."

Another example may be that a steady relationship would mean that the partners should introduce each other to each other's parents, when the second partner may think that the best time to introduce the parents is at a deeper level of commitment, such as when they get engaged. The first partner may see that second partner as not being committed, and the second partner may see the first partner as jumping the gun by pressuring them to meet the parents.

So the bottom line ism don't take it for granted that your partner and yourself know each other's definitions, rules and regulations even if you are using the same terminology. It is important not only to be able to understand each other, but to find out if you are at the same level of commitment to avoid power conflicts, disappointment and to find out if you are compatible.

Some questions you can ask you partner are:

1) What level of commitment do you think we are at in our relationship?
2) What does that level of commitment mean to you?
3) What are some of the things you expect from me at this level of commitment?
4) What are some of the things that you think I should expect at this level of the relationship?
5) What are some of the things you don't want at this level of our relationship?
6) What are some of the things that you think that I don't want at this level of our relationship?

This should open pretty much anything that may be unclear, and that will get you and your partner thinking at a higher level of consciousness.

2) EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE

Everyone is a unique person, with their own personality combinations and life experiences. Often people have wants, needs or requirements going into a relationship that do not make them compatible with you.

These wants, needs or requirements may then become more exaggerated, more rigid and more prone the person to becoming triggered if they have unresolved emotional issues, wounds or traumas caused from past relationships. These wounds usually revolve around not wanting to be hurt again, not wanting to be taken advantage of, or control and/or freedom issues. Often people are emotionally shut down, build walls around themselves, or become overly protective of themselves, making them physically or emotionally unavailable, which may come across as commitment phobia (as they try to protect themselves).

A simple example of this would be in the movie Prime with Uma Thurman. Uma's character, who was in her late 30s in the movie, was having a life transition issue, among many other foundation compatibility issues, while she was having a relationship with a 23-year-old man. However, she was also having her own control and freedom issues about her own place or apartment.

Just recently divorced, she was extremely enjoying having her own place and the freedom it represented. When her younger boyfriend moved into her apartment with her, she felt her property was being encroached upon, and she tried to control everything that he did in the apartment, even who he was allowed to bring over. It is with this same intensity that people may not want other people to share their space with them, whether it is their own place or a new place that they will share together with this partner. This can be a major source of commitment phobia for someone.

Another example would be of emotional trauma dealing with freedom. In our Love by Design Book found at www.lovebydesignbook.com, we go over the four basic types of personalities. One of them is called the Expressive personality. One of their main requirements in life is freedom. If their freedom has been taken away, it can be very traumatizing for them. So if an Expressive was in a past relationship where their partner was controlling and abusive, they may become overly sensitive and protective of their freedom in their next relationship, hence having a fear of commitment.

One question you can ask your partner is...what are you afraid to lose if you further commit to this relationship?

So if it is a compatibility issue, and people are simply trying to get their wants, needs, and requirements met, then it is important to find out what your partner's and your own wants, needs and requirements are to see if you are compatible. However, if there is emotional baggage involved, it is harder to find out if you are compatible or not, so your partner, if they have been hurt or traumatized (it can be subtle, or built up over time, too) , needs to be willing to heal and find ways to release their emotions. If they are not willing to help themselves, or they think there isn't a problem, you may want to think twice about having a relationship with them, because as long as they have the baggage, they are not going to be able to have a healthy or committed relationship.

If they are interested, there are plenty of material and places to help release emotions and heal. There are Barbara DeAngelis' books and tapes, the Sedona Method, EFT... The important thing is for them to get started and try anything that they can connect with.

3) CONSCIOUSLY OR UNCONSCIOUSLY JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

The reality is, sometimes, people are just not into you. It is important to come from a mindset that it is an abundant universe and that there is someone out there who will love you just as you are and for whom you are. With that kind of mindset, you can then see clearly when someone isn't really into and you can let them go and draw in someone who is. There are people out there, "The Players," who are just out to use you, or even people who are just not serious or at the same level of commitment as you are. Instead of resisting that reality, just embrace that there are people out there who are like that, and you don't need to try to force them or try to hang on to them. There is someone who is your highest and best waiting out there for the incompatible person to get out of the way, so they can be drawn into your life.

On a similar note, there may also be people who are consciously aware that they are not that into you, but they fear to tell you because they are afraid to hurt you, and are afraid of the social ramifications of family, friends or society.

If you're brave enough to have this type of conversation with your partner, tell them that you want to have a real heart-to-heart talk about whether they are truly into you or not, and gently explain that you understand that they may be concerned about hurting you, but it will actually hurt you more in the long-run if you are being prevented from being with someone who is truly compatible and truly into you.

Lastly, there are the unconscious commitment phobias, which may be caused by some gut feeling or knowing within them that there is something wrong with the relationship, but they can't pinpoint it, they can't verbalize it, or are not really conscious of it. The person will just do things unconsciously to keep the relationship at bay and delay deeper commitment. This may very well be our intuition, our higher self or our inner being, whichever you believe in, trying to signal to us that there is something not aligning in the relationship.

For example, in the movie Little Black Book (sorry if you haven't seen the movie yet), the Brittany Murphy character named Stacy, and her boyfriend, Derek, were living together and going out for a year. Derek never during this whole time ever invited Stacy over to meet his parents. Stacy asked him about that, because in her time line, especially when living together and dating for a year, it was overdue to meet his parents.

Derek told her that he doesn't have his girlfriends meet his parents. Near the end of the movie, Stacy finds out that his last girlfriend, Joyce (whom he never really got over), had met his parents. In fact, when he was going out with Joyce, she used to hang out with his parents. When Stacy questioned him on that in the middle of a heated argument, he blurted out that it was "different with Joyce." So the reality was whether Derek consciously was aware of it or not, he was holding back Stacy from meeting his parents, not because he had a "Don’t' meet his parents" rule, but because he didn’t feel the same about Stacy as he did his ex-girlfriend. He didn't want to commit to Stacy, and keeping his parents away would help to prevent a deeper commitment.

The reality was he was truly meant to be with his ex-girlfriend, and the lack of commitment with Stacy was a "sign" that he was unconsciously creating to prevent himself from getting further involved in this wrong relationship.
One way to get to the bottom is to ask your partner the following questions, using the following communication modes to make sure your partner is communicating on their own channel.

1) Do you see anything wrong with our relationship?
2) What would you say is wrong with our relationship, if anything?
3) Do you think there is anything wrong with our relationship?
4) Do you feel like there is anything wrong with our relationship?

If anything is brought up, then you can see if there are compatibility issues. If they get defensive or refuse to answer the question, this may be an issue in itself, since in a relationship you want to have someone who is willing to be open and expand in your relationship.

With the help of deeper understanding and trying out the questions above, you will have a better understanding of what is going on. You can then have a better idea of what to do and where you want to go with your relationship.

If you would like more information on Relationship Issues, check out our Relationship Mastery Site at www.relationshipmansteryonline.com and check out my book at www.lovebydesignbook.com.

Warm Regards,
Melody Chase
relationshipcentre@shaw.ca