The Importance of Being Nice in a Relationship - The Top 5 Reasons for Being Nice

I was watching a late night talk show where the host was asking the male celebrity guest who was celebrating his 50th anniversary what his secret was to a happy marriage.

“We are nice to each other.” Answered the celebrity.

Over the years at our Centre we have realized that indeed one of the important secrets is, in fact being nice to each other.

Each individual has their own definition as to what nice means. For example, for me being nice means being respectful towards me, emotionally supportive and speaking gently to me. For Rob, (Director of the Centre and my significant other), being nice would mean being cooperative and going along with what he wants to do without resistance and supporting what it is that he wants to do.

The best way then to find out what nice means for you and your partner is for both of you to explain to each other in as much detail as possible.

Once you are aware of what nice means for your partner you can now reinforce the importance of being nice with the following


Top 5 Strategies for Being Nice in a Relationship.

1) POSITIVE UPSTATE:

At our Centre we have what we call the 7 Principles of Relationship Success. One of the Principles is Positive Upstate which goes as follows:

PRINCIPLE #3: Be Responsible For Maintaining a Positive, Up Emotional State.

This doesn't mean being phony but rather learning to shift into a more resourceful state when appropriate. Successful people have mastered state change.
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"Each of us has a responsibility to manage our own emotional state."

A relationship is public relations. If one partner is repeatedly negative in any way, the other partner becomes programmed to expect it and feels bad as soon as their face shows up, hears the other person or even with a touch. The trigger doesn't matter. It is what ever is consistently paired with the negative feeling.

Most friendships and relationships can survive some dumping and down times but not much.

Only dysfunctional people tolerate a lot of negativity. If you know that the time spent with someone is going to be all negative, you eventually begin to avoid that person.

Look for solutions to problems together but don't just talk about what's wrong all the time. It's like water dripping from a rock - eventually it wears the rock away. Remember Pavlov and his dogs?

If you or your partner is negative and the other is in the immediate environment, you will develop negative conditioning to one another, which will cause you to drift apart. The good news is this works the other way around as well. Yes, you can condition each other positively so that as soon as you hear the other's voice, see their face or experience a touch, you feel good.

Practice emotional management and learn the tools of positive influence to create good feelings in yourself and others. By the way, learning to be happy alone first, is important to achieve happiness and peace of mind in a relationship. Take responsibility for how you feel, create happiness within yourself and share your joy with others. Great relationships are a synergistic energy exchange.

Of course realistically and authentically we cannot always be positive, however being nice to your partner will help in the positive upstate department.

2) OPEN UP YOUR PARTNER TOWARDS BEING MORE GIVING TOWARDS YOU:

Relationships are made up of energy exchange between partners. The more energy that flows freely back and forth in a relationship, the healthier the relationship. When one partner gives freely without any strings attached by being nice in the way the other partner likes gives the receiving partner more energy in order to give back freely to the first partner. Energy saved in not being upset or angry allows a continual flow of energy. If you have noticed that when your partner is nice to you, you feel energized and uplifted. You may also feel like doing something nice for them. It’s not a coincidence; it’s called a healthy relationship exchange.

3) HELP SHIFT THE RELATIONSHIP AWAY FROM A COMPETITIVE ADVERSIAL PARADIGM:

The competitive adversarial Paradigm or C.A.P. is a belief system that the world is scarce there is a lack of abundance and not enough resources in the world for everyone, therefore everyone has to grab for the limited resources. They have been taught that the way to do that is to fight and compete for these limited resources and in order to survive and strive, they have to win. There is no such thing as a win, win, there is only win or lose.

A person with this belief system will incorporate this paradigm into all areas of their life including relationships. They will be on guard and competitive with their partner, they will try to “win-over” or force their partners into giving them what they want. This includes tactics such as yelling, belittling, teaching, correcting, even insulting their partner in order to gain power by attempting to take away their partner’s power.

Although the results of their behavior may hurt their partner, the intention was not to hurt their partner, it’s just that they have been never been exposed to or taught any other way to get their needs met. If you are one of these people, here is an opportunity to try another approach to getting your needs met that doesn’t involve taking your partner’s power away or hurting them.

There are situations where people do intentionally try to hurt someone thinking it’s collateral damage. If the partner is hurt then they will have learned their lesson and either do or don’t do what they are doing again. This may work for certain personalities, but not all of them, even if they get the point, they will be suffering from the hurt, long after the person who dished it out has already forgotten about it. This hurt will come back one way or another on the first partner.

4) UNDERSTAND THE EFFECT OF KARMA

For a long time, I discounted Karma, because I had heard that there are ways to transcend Karma, so I thought that meant that Karma no longer counted. There is still Karma, in order to cancel it out you have to actively transcend it, otherwise the same Law of Cause and Effect is still in effect.

So how does it relate to you? How you treat your partner will come back to you, sometimes real quick too.

Many years ago I had a boyfriend who thought it would be funny to see how long I could last when I had to go to the bathroom. We were traveling by car to the Rocky Mountains. I mentioned that I had to go to the washroom badly. He gleefully drove right through the nearest town without stopping; it was another 29 minutes before I found a rest stop.

Later that day, we had reached the Rockies. My boyfriend suddenly had an intense urge to use the washroom. Unfortunately for him, we were going up a winding mountain that only had a one way single lane, no turn offs, just sheer cliff drop-offs, so he couldn’t stop the car at all until he reached the park about 30mins away at the top of the mountain.

The moral? Treat you partner in the way that they like to be treated.

5) CREATE HEALTH FOR YOU & YOUR PARTNER

We are assuming that you want to spend your whole life with your partner.
Not being nice to your partner may cause your partner to be on guard causing them stress or an adrenalised fight or flight reaction. Being in a constant adrenalized state isn’t good for the partner’s body. It can have an effect on their health in many ways, from organ damage, nervous system disorders, diabetes, high blood pressure, even weight problems since the stress of being on guard causes cortisol – cortisol forms fat in most body types. For people who don’t have much fat cells, the cortisol will pull calcium from their bones that can lead to osteoporosis.

So of course a healthy lifestyle is the key to a long life, being nice to you partner will definitely assist in your partner having a healthy and happy life with you.

So being aware of what nice means to your partner is the first step towards a happy relationship, from there if you ever forget the importance, just remember the Top Five Strategies for Being Nice.

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