Help- My Partner Is A Big Flirt- What Do I Do?

You and your partner are out at a social event with a mutual group of friends, your partner is running around flirting with every member of the opposite sex, and is openly rating their body parts with their friends right in front of you.

You are angry and bewildered because you have told your partner time and again that you don’t like it when they conduct that kind of behavior in front of you. You have said that it hurt your feelings; you find it disrespectful and embarrassing for you. Your partner thinks it’s not big deal, it’s all in good fun and assures you that they would never follow through on their behavior.

So what is going on and what can be done about it? You are not getting your needs met and it is potentially causing a build-up of resentment towards your partner.

In this instance, there are two major issues going on:

1) You both have different belief systems about flirting.
2) Your partner may not understand that there is a problem.


I’ll go over each issue, and then explain where you can go from there.

YOU BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT BELIEF SYSTEMS ABOUT FLIRTING

If a couple have a different belief or understanding about an issue there it is guaranteed that there will be miscommunication or communication that will not be received by the other partner like two ships passing in the night. No one in the partnership will know the other person is talking about something totally different even though they are both using the same terminology such as the word flirting.

The following are questions for you and your partner to ask each other in order to find out if you are on the same wavelength.

1) What is your definition of flirting?
2) Ask your partner, what is their definition of flirting.
3) What does flirting mean to you?
4) Ask your partner what does flirting mean to them?
5) How does it make you feel when you partner is flirting with others?
6) Ask your partner how do they feel when you are flirting with others?

Now that both of you are aware of what each others definitions are, what they mean and how it makes both of you feel, you can then carry on to the next step.

YOUR PARTNER MAY NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM

If you have tried countless times to tell your partner that you have an issue with their flirting and you expressed how you feel and what it means to you, but it doesn’t phase them still, this may mean that you partner simply doesn’t understand that there is a problem.


In our Love by Design Book, Rob, director/counsellor for the LMC Relationship Centre explains the importance of making sure that your partner is on the same page in understanding that there is a problem. Often there is an underlying power struggle between couples because one person is trying to discuss their problem with their partner, but the other partner is ignoring their problem or is resisting what the first partner is saying .

This is either because the second person doesn't believe what the first partner is saying is a problem or they are not on the same page, so they don't understand how what the first person is saying is a problem. To prevent this, Rob has developed a guideline to follow when a couple is having this problem; it is called the DADADADA formula, which goes as follows:

Discuss if there is in fact a problem.

Agree there is a problem or not.

Discuss what the problem is.

Agree as to what the problem is.

Discuss possible solutions.

Agree to solution or not.

Discuss when and how to take action on it.

Agree to when and how to take action on it.

In along this same lines, Rob has also had many clients come in for counselling, where one of the partners doesn't accept that there is a problem, where as the other member of the couple does see a problem. Rob and I realize that people have different definitions and ways with coping such as the following:

1) There are the people who try to avoid or deny problems, because they are afraid of not being able to handle the problem, they may be tired or just not interested in dealing with it.
2) There are the people who love problems, they see them as opportunities, challenges that they can tackle head on.
3) There are people who embrace problems because it feels familiar to them, and familiarity is comforting or to give them a feeling of accomplishment by taking on and solving the problem.
4) There are people who acknowledge that there is a problem but want to minimize it so it is not considered dramatic or a big deal since they do not like drama.

In our Love by Design Book (www.lovebydesignbook.com) we go over in more detail as to how the DADADADA formula works but for the purposes of this article, the important thing is to be able to explain to your partner that this problem of flirting is a problem, that it is effecting the relationship, so not only is it your own problem, it is a problem that will effect the flirting partner, especially in the long run.

The next most important thing is that your partner now agrees that there is a problem, that way; you can now continue to find solutions to the situation.

Once the reality of the belief systems and whether the partner agrees or disagrees with problem has been established, you may then decide one of three things about the flirting.

1) ACCEPT: If your partner decides that they want to continue their flirting in the way they want to, you may accept that that is who you are playing with. If you are in acceptance you will at least not be in resistance even though it may not have been what you originally wanted.

2) YOU CAN NEGOTIATE: You can negotiate, where both you give a little, or creative negotiation where you come up with ideas to work with the situation. For example you partner can to continue to flirt as they always have as long as it is not directly in front of you.

3) LEAVE: You can leave and find someone who shares the same beliefs as you do about flirting. This may seem drastic, but different people may have varying degrees of importance around the issue.

For example, in my 1st marriage, I had different belief systems around flirting than my husband. My husband was a huge flirt. His self-esteem and sense of freedom and fun was wrapped up in flirting. He wasn’t going to stop flirting without it effecting his freedom and fun.

I’m sure a lot of my beliefs about flirting are triggered by unresolved past issues, but all I know is that at the time, I couldn’t imagine myself spending the rest of my life with such a major flirt. (We were once at a nightclub and the DJ awarded my husband a prize that was supposed to originally be for a spot dance, because my husband was running around and kissing all the girls on their cheeks as they were dancing in a large circle.) Yes, it was funny, but it just wasn’t my vision for a relationship.

My first husband is remarried now, and I’m quite sure that his new wife has no issues about his flirting, since it is so much a part of who he is.

My present partner (Rob) is conscious and respectful on my views on flirting and ensures I feel comfortable in all social situations.

Find Your Soulmate!


Melody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design. She can be reached by email at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca or support@lovebydesign.com