Why Can’t My Partner Treat Me Right?

PART ONE

By Melody Chase

“Why can’t he just be nice and treat me right?” Iris asked, as she wiped the tears from her eyes with a tissue.

Iris had come to see us for relationship counselling at our Centre with her husband Archie. Among several compatibility and relationship Mastery issues that the couple was experiencing the one issue that Iris was having the most trouble with was that Iris didn’t like the way Archie treated her. Specifically, it was the way he would talk to her including having an angry tone, raising his voice, correcting her, sarcasism, trying to teach her the “right way” and just trying to control her in general.

Iris was trying to cope with his style but after a while she couldn’t take it anymore. She would tell him this, but he would dismiss her feelings saying that she was the one with the problem, she’s just too sensitive, emotional and insecure and that she has unresolved issues with her father. In his opinion it was perfectly fine the way he talked to her, in fact he talked like that to other people, including people at work and no one reacted or complained the way she does.

At our centre, this is a similar pattern we have seen between different personalities. Most common is where one partner is a task-oriented Driver and the other partner is one of the people-centred personalities such as an Expressive or an Amiable.

Before we continue, here is a brief overview of the 4 main personality types.

At our Centre, we have a Personality Chart that we use, that involves 4 basic personality types that can have 16 variations when the personalities are mixed together. To keep my example simple, the following is a very basic overview of the four main types (For an extensive understanding, check out our Love by Design Book)

Drivers: Are bottom line aggressive people who like results, tasks, control dominance and authority. They are independent, goal oriented, bossy, and sometimes even rude.

Expressives: Are emotionally based, love people, dominant and friendly, love appreciation, approval, centre stage, change their minds a lot, charming, humorous and fun. They have excellent people skills.

Amiables: Are friendly, like people, not aggressive, tend to promote harmony, safety, security, like to blend in and not make waves, accepting.

Analyticals: Analyticals like to work alone, precise, accurate, have rules, standards and procedures, finicky. Judgmental, critical and sometimes negative.

With our couple, Archie is a Driver, Iris is an Expressive. Archie often comes across as being not so nice to other personalities such as Iris because of any of the possible reasons or combination of reasons:

A Driver’s main drive is to get from A-B, one of their main values, and need is to be in control and most Driver’s have a metaprogram of the Big Picture versus Details;

Drivers are usually very successful in their jobs using the techniques that they use to talk to people.

Drivers are Task-centred Vs People-centred.

So what does this mean? It means that if have a partner who is a Driver, you will often get a partner who is not very nice to you especially if they are in TASK mode and focused on achieving the goal now.

Let’s go over each of these points in further detail:

1) A-B: Drivers want interactions to be short, to the point and without a lot of detail. This means that they would rather use techniques that can control people quickly versus taking the time to systematically deal with the other person. This means that even if they were consciously aware of the fact that he/she would need to validate, empathize and agree to disagree with their partner while unconditionally loving them, they would still rather cut to the chase. (In their mind thinking that it is still quicker route in order to get to their A-B.) Most commonly, the techniques that a Driver would use include teaching, correcting and raising their voice.

What they think is a shortcut is actually causing a prolonged interaction and/ or long-term damage to the relationship, depending on the personality of their partner.

2) SUCCESSFUL AT WORK: The Driver may be totally oblivious to the damage they are causing even if their partner is directly telling them so because they can get away with these techniques with other people and can be successful, especially in work situations. Driver’s often make logic based decisions, versus emotional based decisions, so their logical conclusion then, that since they don’t have any problems communicating with most other people that there is something wrong with their partner, not the way they are treating them. Their partner is too sensitive, too emotional, illogical, have issues. If the Driver is unaware that different personalities need to be treated differently, they will even use psychological terms or counselling terminology against the partner. i.e./ You have baggage, that’s how you were treated as a kid, anything to convince their partner that the partners are the one with the problem and everything would be fine if they just did what they want them to do.


3) TASK-CENTRED: Task-centred people are focused on Tasks, not people, so being courteous and nice is not in their consciousness; it’s getting the task done. To people-centred personalities, it is extremely hard for them to imagine that being nice to others wouldn’t come naturally. This is why Iris asked why Archie just couldn’t be nice to her. It was such a foreign concept for her that someone would not know that you can get more bees with honey. Iris often felt that Archie is personally or intentionally being mean to her.

So whether the Driver does not knows how to treat other personalities, or does know and just doesn’t think it is necessary, there are solutions for both partners in the relationship.

You may be in judgment of the driver however understand that in other situations you would be keen on having a driver. If you had toilet blow up and have a burst pipe you would appreciate the Drivers no nonsense task orientation.
If you were in a war zone you would appreciate a platoon of Driver type soldiers protecting you. If you are having a triple bypass hope your surgeon is a Driver Analytical.

So in relationships these guys and gals may lack some grace, however with training they can be very effective at communication and meeting your needs.

My partner Rob is a Driver personality and he is very skilled at emotional support and communication even though before knowing all the principle we teach now he was basically a bull in a china shop.

In Part two of our article we discuss what both partners can do to improve their situation while still remaining authentic.

PART TWO

FOR THE DRIVER PERSONALITY

If you are a Driver personality, please read this section:

No matter how much you try to force, control, correct or teach you are not going to get your way in the way you want it using your typical approach with every personality.

Certain personalities, and/or mixes of personalities are going to react to your approach by one of several different ways:

- Rebel, including arguing, defending, attacking or counteracting.
- Control Dramas including crying, yelling or leaving the room.
- Shutting down emotionally, withdrawing, or eventually leaving the relationship or seeking out others who will give them what they want.

None of the above reactions are going to give you what you want, in the way you want it.

Sure, you may be right, they may be reacting this way because they are insecure, are being triggered or are replaying patterns form their childhood, however pointing out these issues to them is still not going to give you what you want.

So what will get you what you want?

Relationship Mastery Skills are skills that can be learned and mastered over time. As a Driver we know you may need something quick, straight forward and to the point when you are in a pinch, the following is a “catch all” of sorts that you can draw on.

The first 2 Steps are from the book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality” by J. Kreisman, M.D. and Hal Straus, (Published Avon Books, Feb 01, 1991)

Say the following:

1) I am genuinely concerned about your feelings.
2) It must be horrible that you feel … or that … happened to you.
3) How can I support you?


Tone is the key here, if you try carrying this out with a sarcastic tone (sarcasm being veiled hostility) you will be as successful as your normal approach.

Sincere, neutral tone works best and if you can master the ability to sound loving when you are saying it, the better.

Step 3 is important because as a Driver, you may want to get down to the bottom of things which means you may want to jump right into fixing the problem. This may not be what your partner is looking for. Some people may want you to emphasize with them, or want you to be a witness to their experience or a sounding board for example, without needing the problem fixed.

So simply asking your partner what they want takes the guessing out and increases the speed of their satisfaction. Sometimes even just the 1st two steps are needed in order for your partner to feel emotionally supported.

So bottom line, your task, for you, as a Driver, if you choose to accept is to:

1) Switch Paradigms – From everyone can be communicated to in the same way to different personalities need to be communicated in different ways.
2) You need to learn how to communicate in the way that the other person likes to receive it.


FOR THE PARTNER

As with any situation, you have three options, you can ACCEPT, NEGOTIATE, or LEAVE.

I’ll go over each in turn.

ACCEPT:

Whether you were consciously aware of it or not, if your partner is a Driver personality, that is who you signed up with. It is naturally who they are. A Driver is a Driver, just Like Rob’s favorite fable about the scorpion and the frog. A frog agrees to give a scorpion a ride across the river, the Scorpion promising the frog that he wouldn’t sting him, and then half way across the river he ends stinging the frog. The dying frog asked why the Scorpion went back on his word, the Scorpion replied “I can’t help it, it’s my nature, it is who I am.”

So before you attempt to change or negotiate with a Driver to become “More Nice” , first and foremost it is important to be able to understand, accept, forgive, love and appreciate them for who they naturally are.

There are several benefits to this including:

1) Shadowsides, we often attract our opposites so we will be able to love that hidden or unloved aspect of ourselves. So as long as you do not unconditionally love them, you will continue to draw in these “not so nice” Drivers into your life. What you understand and love you master. Allow other energies and personalities to exist in your and our world. Its all part of nature and the diversity of human beings.
2) Drivers, since they are all about control and not being taken advantage of will often react in extreme ways if they have been traumatized by being rendered powerless, or taken advantage of in the past. So the hidden secret is the more controlling the Driver, the more hurt and insecure they are inside. (They are really big teddy bears inside.) Of course don’t use that as a defense tactic (since that is counterproductive) but just remember that every time they accuse you of being insecure, they are actually protecting their own feelings, needs and values.
3) If you have any unresolved patterns regarding Drivers, especially from childhood, you may draw in a Driver to fill in the pattern. This too can cause a Driver to unconsciously alter their personalities to the dynamics of the relationship and pattern. For example, A Driver who is minorly controlling becomes a sarcastic dictator with you. You may even catch yourself saying “That’s not fair; you don’t treat anyone else like this.”

So regardless of any of these possibilities and regardless of whether you just decide to accept your Driver or try to change them, by understanding, accepting, forgiving and accepting them you will have all bases covered in case it has anything to do with yourself.

NEGOTIATE:

Getting your Driver to be “nicer” is a form of negotiating and potentially changing them, but if they are willing, it is a relationship mastery skill that they can use anywhere, work, home or play. What is important for you to do, as your Driver is learning how to deal with you is the following:

1) Have patience
2) Have no expectations
3) Be detached

For some Drivers, having to learn to approach different personalities is like learning to talk backwards, they get it for a while then reverse back. Like any new system or new pattern, it takes a while to engrain. If the Driver fully understands and embraces the new paradigm shift, it will make a world of difference in their process, but it is for your own peace of mind to have patience, no expectations and detachment.

For example, with Iris and Archie, Iris left one of our sessions with high hopes and great expectations. Archie appeared to have had a breakthrough and understand the new paradigm. His assignment was to “gift-give” and “be nice” to Iris for one week, until our next session. Iris caught herself many times going down certain old relationship patterns and was able to stop herself. She was thinking, since she could do it, plus Archie agreed to gift-give for the week, that everything was going to be just the way she always wanted it.

Within her expectations she left herself wide open for disappointment and hurt because Archie was only at the beginning of his adjustment period, so he quickly and easily went back to his old ways, after a few attempts. This took Iris completely off guard, but since she kept thinking that he agreed to change and expecting it to be instant she kept getting taken off guard by his old responses. Iris ended up feeling devastated, hurt and built up a wall to prevent feeling so vulnerable again. By our next meeting, she was very hesitant about continuing their counselling. Once we explained about how it was process and about how she would need to be patient, have no expectations and detached for her own peace of mind, it became a lot smoother growth experience for the both of them.

TO LEAVE:

In an extreme case, you may have a partner who has had too much past trauma, isn’t ready or not interested in the relationship, not interested in expanding consciousness at this time or is character disordered. In theses situations it is possible for you to carry on with raising your own level of understanding, awareness and consciousness. What will happen is that your partner will also rise in consciousness, or they will fall away in order to be able to draw in someone who is at your new level.

The key here is to be open to what is highest and best for you. What is highest and best for you will also be highest and best for everyone around you. It is also important to not be in judgment as to what is highest and best for your partner. This way you will be open to your feelings and you will know as to whether to remain in your relationship or not.

In conclusion, the good news is that the majority of Drivers although they may seem tough on the outside, are usually dedicated to you and your relationship, so once they are made aware and truly understand “How to be Nice” they will be dedicated to this task as they would any task that they take on.

I’ll talk to you again soon.

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