Will My Partner Be Angry If I Am No Longer Codependent in Our Relationship?


A major concern for people who have decided to no longer be codependent in a relationship is that they are afraid that their partners will be angry at them, after all, many people have picked up the codependency cycle in the first place in an attempt to get what they wanted without getting others angry, so they wonder, how by suddenly stopping all things codependent are they going to avoid conflict?

Just to review, codependency simply put is when a person such as yourself chooses to do something for someone in order to try to get something back in return from the other person but what your chose to do may in turn hurt you. It is a condition that results from dysfunctional patterns based on unhealthy relationships.

A certain form of codependency is called caretaking. Caretakers are people who grew up learning and believing that you are good to the extent that you take the responsibility for other people; that it is your responsibility that everybody is happy and successful.

When a person is a codependent or a caretaker they create dependents as well as “takers” and condition the people they are being codependent towards to believe that they (the codependent/caretaker) will do everything for the other person even a their (the codependent/ caretaker’s) own expense.

So the reality is that as a codependent breaks their cycle, the dependent person, such as their partner can and potentially will get angry. The way how they are used to living is suddenly changed and they are no longer getting what they have been getting all along.

Anger is often a sign of loss and the partner may feel loss because they are not getting their way or they feel something is being taken away. They may also be using anger as a control drama, since we have often been conditioned in life that that way that we try to get what we want is to try to control and force other people to do what want them to do.

They may also feel a loss at an energetic level as you are breaking the codependent chord with them even though they wouldn’t be able to pinpoint where this feeling or loss or even abandonment is coming from.





This feeling of abandonment may be even more predominant if the other partner is a Borderliner. Our definition of a Borderliner is a personality disorder that involves a person having a deep seated fear of abandonment.





A Borderliner often reacts strongly to the fear of abandonment, takes extra measures to insure that people don’t abandon them, and often have trouble feeling safe, secure or settled. They will often turn on the people they love to prevent from being hurt or because they are feeling hurt because they feel like they are being abandoned. A person usually becomes a Borderliner when there is been an unresolved traumatic event in their past relating to abandonment.

So if you are no longer codependent, your partner may feel you energetically pulling away. If they are a Borderliner, this may trigger their loneliness and abandonment issues and they will try to hold on to the old Codependency/ Dependency cycle.

So what can be done to deal with potential conflict as you adapt to your new life without codependency? The following is an overview; I will go into further detail after the list.

~ Empathize and validate how your partner is feeling.
~ Love them and their reactions without judgment.
~ Tell them that you unconditionally love them and although it may feel like they are being abandoned, you will never abandon them.
~ Accept that your partner may need some time to adapt to the new you.
~ Picture your partner as whole, healthy and independent.

Empathize and validate how your partner is feeling:

No matter how unreasonable or selfish your partner may appear, the way how they are feeling is real. Explain to them that you understand that they feel a sense of loss, abandonment, even betrayed because you have conditioned your partner to expect certain things from you and all of a sudden you have decided to change the game on them.

Also, explain that you understand that this is a big change in their life, and although you may not be able to do everything that they want you do anymore, you do support their transition and their need to adapt to a new way of living.

Validating how your partner is feeling also prevents them from trying to pump up the control dramas and create even more conflict.

~ Love them and their reactions without judgment:

~ It is important to love and not be in resistance to your partner’s reactions.

Our society for the most part does not teach us how to express and support our feelings or how to resolve how we feel when we are upset. Then add to that most people are seated in the Competitive Adversarial Paradigm; people have been taught that the way you try to get you needs met is by trying to force people.


Most common way is through control dramas such as yelling, screaming, crying, threatening, take-aways or guilt. When these factors are all combined it is not hard to imagine why when a person is upset and not getting what they want, they will use conflictual techniques to try and get what they want.



The person just doesn’t know any alternative ways until they come across it themselves or someone else teaches it to them.

So by loving your partner’s reactions and understanding that they are using control dramas, the control dramas have no control or power over you.

Tell them that you unconditionally love them and although it may feel like they are being abandoned, you are not abandoning them:

In addition to validating your partner for the feelings they may have that we already have mentioned, it is very important for you to explain that you understand that they may feel abandoned and feel a sense of loss, then assure them that you are not abandoning them and that you love them unconditionally.

The feeling of abandonment and loss is largely at an energetic level, so unless you bring this up yourself they may not be able to verbalize or recognize what they are feeling.

Accept that your partner may need some time to adapt to the new you:

The reality is that when a person decides to no longer be codependent or a caretaker it becomes a transition point or a point of change. The degree of how smooth a transition or change in life is will be dependent on how flexible and open to change a person is, not only of the change for themselves, but how flexible they are to the other partner’s adaptation to change as well.

Picture your partner as whole, healthy and independent:

In our Minibook on Codependency called “Do You Still Love Me? (hop on to Love By Design for more details) We have a little exercise to assist codependent people in breaking the codependency and caretaking cycle by picturing the person you are breaking the cycle with as being a whole, healthy and independent person.

This same exercise can be used to assist your partner in the healing process as they heal from the chord that has been cut between the two of you and as the your partner adapts to having to take responsibility for themselves instead of you doing whatever it was that you were doing for them before that wasn’t in your highest and best interest.

The important thing to remember is that even if there is a little bit of conflict, it will smooth out over time especially the more loving, accepting and open to your partner’s transition you are and what you will have in the end is an authentic life that will be happy and healthy and as perfect as your authentic self.



~ Melody Chase
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