Help! I’m Jealous of My Partner!

My ex-husband Travis is an in the moment person, where as I am a process centred person. In the Moment people are people who have no structure at anytime, they move freely in the moment and do not plan at all. Everything they do comes to them in the moment and they feel no need for planning. Process centred people need to do things in a step by step process in order to do something. They need to prepare, process and organize their thoughts in their head. (And often down on paper as well.)

At one time in our marriage we were both going to the same College.

Travis was taking a Management Course and I was taking one of my Applied Counselling Courses. I had a really homework intense Instructor who would disperse tons of really deep and detailed assignments. I had a paper that I had been working on for 1 week straight. My husband had classes the same night as me. He had an oral presentation. He didn’t work on it all week. He put it together 20 minutes before it was time to go class.

A week later, I got my results back for my paper, I got an A. Travis got his results back from his presentation, he also got an A. He proceeded to laugh and point at me saying “Hah, Hah, I got the same mark as you, it took me 20 minutes to put my assignment together and you had to work on yours for a whole week.”

I was jealous, on many levels. I was jealous that he had no trouble with oral presentations. For me, if I had to do a presentation back then, I would be worried sick. I was also jealous because he could leave things to the last minute without worrying about it, I was jealous that what he needed to say and put together could come together that quickly and easy.

I was basically jealous because his life seemed so much easier, simpler and worry free than me. He seriously didn’t have a single worry in his head about the presentation. This was because the combination of him being a Visual, Expressive personality, not being in Digital Philosophical communication mode, and being an in the moment person which also helped him to have great instinct and intuition.

Now given, because he wasn’t Digital Philosophical, he probably wouldn’t have been able to write the paper I wrote, in fact I had a better grasp of what I was writing about than a lot of people in my class, so I guess, all things were equal that way, but he just had so many aspects to his personality and being that I just wished I could have, it just didn’t seem fair and I couldn’t imagine back then that there was anything in the world I could do to be like him, so I was jealous and felt powerless.

Today though, I can look back at the situation and have a totally different way at looking at Travis and my jealousy. Of course I can never be exactly like him since we are both different and unique people with our own talents and mission in life, but at least today I can look at jealousy from a more positive and expansive point of view.

The following are six ways on how jealousy has helped me to raise my level of consciousness and authenticity:

1) Shadowside: A shadowside is part of yourself that you have to accept, or come into balance with.

The way the shadow side works is that there are aspects of all energies of all people in us. There are sides that are either repressed or not dominant and/or there are aspects about ourselves that we think that we cannot love for many different reasons.

Therefore jealousy may be a signal that a shadowside is in play and that you would need to accept and love that part of yourself in order to accomplish and embrace any of the following purposes of the shadowside:

Some people are attracted to one other because there is something they admire about their partner that they wished they had. It is also something that you may feel jealous about in the other person.

There are aspects about the other person that you need to learn, accept about yourself, and the other person.

There are aspects about each other that needs to be drawn out, balanced or complimented within yourself.

2) An opportunity to see how your partner attracts an environment that support who they are.

By being jealous of Travis, it drew my attention, (although I didn’t understand it at the time) to the fact that he went into a type of education where he can be spontaneous and where being Digital is not needed. Therefore he was a role model for someone going into an environment that supports who they are and not thinking twice about being in an environment that did not support who he was.

Travis had enrolled once in drafting courses because he had a brain where he could see everything in 360 degrees and he was excellent at drawing, but he turned to me and said one day that even though he was good at it, he just couldn’t stand the concentration and time it took to doing drafting exercises, (His Expressive side of his Personality couldn’t handle it) so he just got himself out of the course instead of trying to push through.

Now I was taking the course that I was really good at, but in the past I had taken courses that weren’t designed for me and I would try to push through them and feel bad about myself if I was struggling or failing at them. I would be jealous of how he could just drop a course but I realize today Travis was an example of someone who would only go towards environments that support who he was and never looked back or wasted time worrying about the courses that he dropped.

3) Learn to accept yourself for who you are just as your partner can accept themselves for who they are.

Travis was able to accept himself for who he was, so if I had just accepted myself for who I was there would have been no longer any need to be jealous of Travis’s spontaneity in both courses and how he carried out his assignments if I was just able to accept that I am the way how I am and he is just the way he is.

4) Opportunity to learn how to embrace and release your emotions even one that is not as commonly accepted as jealousy.

Emotions are a natural part of life, of course the less we think and the less judgment we have in life the less amount of emotions we will experience. However if we do experience an emotion it is important to recognize, embrace and release it otherwise it will stay in our bodies and eventually cause health problems or it will cause us to act out in irrational behaviors or act out in fear.

Jealousy is one of those types of emotions that are not highly approved of by others and we often do not want to mention that we are jealous to others very often. So jealousy would be a common emotion to get stuck in our bodies, so it needs to be treated like any other emotion. We need to recognize the emotion, find out what it is signaling to us, accept and embrace it, then let it go/ or release it.

5) An opportunity to explore your thinking process such as alerting you to the fact that you are coming from a Competitive Adversarial Paradigm.

The Competitive Adversarial Paradigm or C.A.P. is a belief system that the world is scarce there is a lack of abundance and not enough resources in the world for everyone, therefore everyone has to grab for the limited resources. They have been taught that the way to do that is to fight and compete for these limited resources and in order to survive and strive, they have to win. There is no such thing as a win, win, there is only win or lose.

All emotions are a signal that you are thinking or feeling a certain way. Jealousy can be rooted in the C.A.P. if you believe that someone is taking something away from you or something that you can’t replace.

However, the ideal Paradigm to come from is the New C.A.P. or Creative, Abundance Paradigm where the world is abundant, there is enough of all resources for everyone and you can create your reality so no one can ever take anything away from you.

So if you are feeling jealousy, it can just key you in that you are thinking from the Old Competitive Adversarial Paradigm versus the New C.A.P.

6) An opportunity to see that there is something that your partner is doing that you are suppose to be doing. Now with this awareness you can focus on attracting an environment and ways for your to achieve the same thing or something similar for yourself. You are now empowered because you are now aware of what you would like.

In the case of Travis and I, he represented the part of me that needed to follow the path in life that was highest and best for me without feeling shame or guilt for not being or having the same talents as others.

Of course, there may have been aspects of my shadowside that I needed to draw out to become more balanced such as being more spontaneous or embracing new opportunities, I was still a Process Centred person but being open to change and new opportunities would definitely help me in the future and prevent a lot of unnecessary stress, stress being resistance to my reality.

There as been other examples, with other people too where jealousy was a clear example that what they were doing was what I was suppose to be doing.

For example, there was a time period where I wasn’t writing, where Rob and I had met an old friend of his who wasn’t able to work and was on some sort of Government financial aide. She was explaining on how she was having the time of her life because she got to stay at home and write all day long and send in funny stories to the newspapers.

Instead of feeling bad for her because she couldn’t work, or even jealous because she was getting paid not to work, I was more jealous at the fact that she got to write all day and was having so much fun. I even said the Rob that I was inspired by how enthusiastic and how much fun she was having, and that she was able to provide fun and entertainment to others.

I once heard that solutions lay within our problems. By embracing and discovering what jealousy was all about I was able to find insights as well as solutions to who I was and what I was all about.

~ Melody ChaseMelody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design.

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