Help! My Partner Wants To Leave The Relationship – What Should I Do?
We had a couple who came to see us, where the wife said she wanted to leave the relationship and the husband still wanted to make the relationship work. We decided to see each member of the couple individually and as a couple.
When we had the husband come in to see us for his individual counselling, he stated upfront he was hesitant to trust us because he got the impression that we support couples breaking up.
We explained that it wasn’t that we supported couples to break up; we were just supportive of people being in their highest and best relationships versus people forcing themselves to stay together even if they are not in their highest and best relationship.
However, we did understand where he was coming from, he wasn’t ready to hear that his relationship may be over and he didn’t yet understand the concept about a highest and best relationship and the world was an abundant place where he could have exactly what he wanted.
Where he was at, when he came to see us was he was confused, he was scared, he was losing his wife, the person he loves, he felt powerless and he felt like he was flailing around like a person in the middle of the ocean during a storm.
I started looking through my archives of articles and materials and realized that we didn’t really have anything to help or bring any insight or comfort to someone whose partner is wanting to leave them.
So I thought a good way to start is to explain that there a different levels of relationship breakup, depending on how far-gone the partner is, which is in direct correlation as to the chances of saving the relationship or at least working out whether the relationship can be saved. In addition, at each level of how far-gone the partner is, there are different activities or actions that the other partner has to follow through on.
In any relationship, if one partner is unhappy it is usually because they are not getting their needs met, since all relationships are a mutual fulfilling of needs. Needs are usually not met because a couple are not close in compatibility or because they lack relationship mastery skills.
If it is just a lack of relationship mastery skills and if both partners are interested in learning, the relationship will be in good shape. If it is because of a lack of compatibility, depending how far apart the compatibility is will determine whether the relationship will fail or not.
If needs are not being met, the partner who is not getting their needs met will either suffer from toxicity or deficiency in their relationship.
Too much toxicity or deficiency in a relationship will develop emotions, often anger, disappointment, resentment, or judgment and loss of respect for the other partner. These build ups of emotions build up into what we can the Great Dividers of Love. The Great Dividers of Love is exactly what it sounds like they divide love, and block love from flowing. Without love flowing in the relationship, the love or glue and emotional connectedness between the partners that keep them together is severed, blocked and dissipated.
So the less love that is flowing in the relationship, the deeper the separation of the partners and the more severe the combination of the toxicities, deficiencies, build up of emotions and loss of love, the more far-gone the leaving partner will be.
The following are the 3 Levels or Stages of How Far-gone a Partner Can Be:
1. Hand on the Door Knob: The leaving partner’s main emotion is fear that the relationship is breaking down or that they are not going to ever get their needs met in the relationship. Their main motivation is to see if the relationship can be saved and are willing and open to learn what they need to learn. They have a build up toxicities and deficiencies within them in order to put their hand on the doorknob but they have enough love flowing within them to give it a go to “save” or create a more healthy relationship with you.
A Hand on the Doorknob is truly a gift because it can jumpstart you into the reality of the relationship before your partner becomes too far gone. They are willing to play still, so together as a couple you can find out if the reasons why your partner is unhappy whether that is because the two of you have compatibility issues or just relationship mastery issues. Finding out the answers is much easier when your partner is still on board.
2. One Foot out the Door: The leaving partner’s main emotion is anger; they don’t feel like playing anymore and don’t want to take anymore toxicity or deficiency. They have very low frustration level which prevents them from being flexible in the relationship anymore.
For the most part they now feel it is easier to abandon the relationship them to try to fix it, hold it together or create a healthy relationship. The anger is blocking most of the love from flowing in the relationship which is making it harder to stick with the relationship and if it the anger gets turned inwards then depression and hopelessness kicks in which drains away any fight for the relationship that they had.
At this stage, if you want to try to save the relationship you will basically have to give them anything they want at first, because they don’t have anymore energy to give or any energy to play fair and give you want you want.
If they are not too far gone, the temporary inauthenticity or suspension of your own needs in order to focus on giving them what they want, will eventually balance out as they regain their own energy, regain trust and develop a healthy flow of energy exchange between the two of you.
If you are high enough in compatibility, develop relationship mastery skills and prove to them that you respect and love them enough by understanding, accepting and appreciating their needs, then they will take their foot out of the door.
It will be a slow process, just as the process of them getting to that point was, so consistency is very important.
If you go for counselling they will spend a lot of time complaining and expressing how angry and burnout out they are with you. However, as long as they are expressing their feelings that means there is still love there because deep under anger there is love.
Ways on how you may still lose your partner if you begin to withdraw giving them their needs, constantly being inconsistent with giving them their needs, (since the building of their trust is a very sensitive thing for them that needs building over time.) or if they have found someone else who is more compatible and more consistent than you in their ability to give them what they want.
3. Both Feet out the Door: At this stage, your partner is too far gone, their main emotion is indifference, they have shutdown and shut you off. They have made a finally decision to write you off and there is no turning back or turning on their love for you.
They will tell you that they have made the decision that it is over. (Versus a One Foot in the Door partner who will say they are leaving or going to leave). They walk around with a distant look in their eye, and if they go to counselling with you they are just going through the motions for social obligation, they will politely listen to what the counsellor has to say but they will not engage, just nod and get out as soon as they can.
If there is someone else involved, they have decided to leave you for them, and if there isn’t, they still have just a strong decision to leave, they are no longer open to learning or saving the relationship.
In this case, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself, there is no way to encourage, force or influence them to come back to you.
Work on your own self development, get grief or support counselling, seek out closure in whichever way you can and carry on.
If your partner decides they want to come back to you, time will be your best ally.
In the meantime, just release and let your partner go, its just like the saying, let them go and if they are meant to be, they will come back.
Whether they do come back or if another person, potentially your soulmate enters your life, by taking care of yourself, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually and by letting go of the past, you will be in the perfect position to be in a healthy, whole relationship.
In the case of the couple that we mentioned at the beginning of the article, the wife is teetering between One Foot out the Door and Both Feet out the Door.
The wife has a “Platonic Male Friend” waiting in the wings for her, although she says she is not having a physical affair with him. She has come to the counselling sessions both for their couple session and her individual session with the distant look in her eye, she doesn’t have anything to say, she’s just tired and isn’t arguing, she is coming across as indifferent, which instinctively, although we haven’t’ explained the 3 stages to her husband yet, is what is scaring the husband so much.
The difference between this wife and other partners at this third stage is that she hasn’t officially stated it’s over. She says she is undecided, when a person is indecision, they can also have that checked out look about them, so she still may be at the One Foot Out The Door Stage, she may not even know what she wants, which makes it harder for her partner to be able to find out what she wants and to be able give it to her.
So because of the sensitive timing, her husband may have to take action both in the One Foot out the Door and Both feet out the Door stages.
He’ll have to be dedicated to finding out what it is that she wants and be consistent in giving it to her as well as understanding, accepting and appreciating her needs, yet at the same time prepare for the potential of her leaving him for good, so he will be ready and not devastated and not be in a constant state of agony as he waits for the potential shoe to drop.
~ Melody Chase
When we had the husband come in to see us for his individual counselling, he stated upfront he was hesitant to trust us because he got the impression that we support couples breaking up.
We explained that it wasn’t that we supported couples to break up; we were just supportive of people being in their highest and best relationships versus people forcing themselves to stay together even if they are not in their highest and best relationship.
However, we did understand where he was coming from, he wasn’t ready to hear that his relationship may be over and he didn’t yet understand the concept about a highest and best relationship and the world was an abundant place where he could have exactly what he wanted.
Where he was at, when he came to see us was he was confused, he was scared, he was losing his wife, the person he loves, he felt powerless and he felt like he was flailing around like a person in the middle of the ocean during a storm.
I started looking through my archives of articles and materials and realized that we didn’t really have anything to help or bring any insight or comfort to someone whose partner is wanting to leave them.
So I thought a good way to start is to explain that there a different levels of relationship breakup, depending on how far-gone the partner is, which is in direct correlation as to the chances of saving the relationship or at least working out whether the relationship can be saved. In addition, at each level of how far-gone the partner is, there are different activities or actions that the other partner has to follow through on.
In any relationship, if one partner is unhappy it is usually because they are not getting their needs met, since all relationships are a mutual fulfilling of needs. Needs are usually not met because a couple are not close in compatibility or because they lack relationship mastery skills.
If it is just a lack of relationship mastery skills and if both partners are interested in learning, the relationship will be in good shape. If it is because of a lack of compatibility, depending how far apart the compatibility is will determine whether the relationship will fail or not.
If needs are not being met, the partner who is not getting their needs met will either suffer from toxicity or deficiency in their relationship.
Too much toxicity or deficiency in a relationship will develop emotions, often anger, disappointment, resentment, or judgment and loss of respect for the other partner. These build ups of emotions build up into what we can the Great Dividers of Love. The Great Dividers of Love is exactly what it sounds like they divide love, and block love from flowing. Without love flowing in the relationship, the love or glue and emotional connectedness between the partners that keep them together is severed, blocked and dissipated.
So the less love that is flowing in the relationship, the deeper the separation of the partners and the more severe the combination of the toxicities, deficiencies, build up of emotions and loss of love, the more far-gone the leaving partner will be.
The following are the 3 Levels or Stages of How Far-gone a Partner Can Be:
1. Hand on the Door Knob: The leaving partner’s main emotion is fear that the relationship is breaking down or that they are not going to ever get their needs met in the relationship. Their main motivation is to see if the relationship can be saved and are willing and open to learn what they need to learn. They have a build up toxicities and deficiencies within them in order to put their hand on the doorknob but they have enough love flowing within them to give it a go to “save” or create a more healthy relationship with you.
A Hand on the Doorknob is truly a gift because it can jumpstart you into the reality of the relationship before your partner becomes too far gone. They are willing to play still, so together as a couple you can find out if the reasons why your partner is unhappy whether that is because the two of you have compatibility issues or just relationship mastery issues. Finding out the answers is much easier when your partner is still on board.
2. One Foot out the Door: The leaving partner’s main emotion is anger; they don’t feel like playing anymore and don’t want to take anymore toxicity or deficiency. They have very low frustration level which prevents them from being flexible in the relationship anymore.
For the most part they now feel it is easier to abandon the relationship them to try to fix it, hold it together or create a healthy relationship. The anger is blocking most of the love from flowing in the relationship which is making it harder to stick with the relationship and if it the anger gets turned inwards then depression and hopelessness kicks in which drains away any fight for the relationship that they had.
At this stage, if you want to try to save the relationship you will basically have to give them anything they want at first, because they don’t have anymore energy to give or any energy to play fair and give you want you want.
If they are not too far gone, the temporary inauthenticity or suspension of your own needs in order to focus on giving them what they want, will eventually balance out as they regain their own energy, regain trust and develop a healthy flow of energy exchange between the two of you.
If you are high enough in compatibility, develop relationship mastery skills and prove to them that you respect and love them enough by understanding, accepting and appreciating their needs, then they will take their foot out of the door.
It will be a slow process, just as the process of them getting to that point was, so consistency is very important.
If you go for counselling they will spend a lot of time complaining and expressing how angry and burnout out they are with you. However, as long as they are expressing their feelings that means there is still love there because deep under anger there is love.
Ways on how you may still lose your partner if you begin to withdraw giving them their needs, constantly being inconsistent with giving them their needs, (since the building of their trust is a very sensitive thing for them that needs building over time.) or if they have found someone else who is more compatible and more consistent than you in their ability to give them what they want.
3. Both Feet out the Door: At this stage, your partner is too far gone, their main emotion is indifference, they have shutdown and shut you off. They have made a finally decision to write you off and there is no turning back or turning on their love for you.
They will tell you that they have made the decision that it is over. (Versus a One Foot in the Door partner who will say they are leaving or going to leave). They walk around with a distant look in their eye, and if they go to counselling with you they are just going through the motions for social obligation, they will politely listen to what the counsellor has to say but they will not engage, just nod and get out as soon as they can.
If there is someone else involved, they have decided to leave you for them, and if there isn’t, they still have just a strong decision to leave, they are no longer open to learning or saving the relationship.
In this case, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself, there is no way to encourage, force or influence them to come back to you.
Work on your own self development, get grief or support counselling, seek out closure in whichever way you can and carry on.
If your partner decides they want to come back to you, time will be your best ally.
In the meantime, just release and let your partner go, its just like the saying, let them go and if they are meant to be, they will come back.
Whether they do come back or if another person, potentially your soulmate enters your life, by taking care of yourself, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually and by letting go of the past, you will be in the perfect position to be in a healthy, whole relationship.
In the case of the couple that we mentioned at the beginning of the article, the wife is teetering between One Foot out the Door and Both Feet out the Door.
The wife has a “Platonic Male Friend” waiting in the wings for her, although she says she is not having a physical affair with him. She has come to the counselling sessions both for their couple session and her individual session with the distant look in her eye, she doesn’t have anything to say, she’s just tired and isn’t arguing, she is coming across as indifferent, which instinctively, although we haven’t’ explained the 3 stages to her husband yet, is what is scaring the husband so much.
The difference between this wife and other partners at this third stage is that she hasn’t officially stated it’s over. She says she is undecided, when a person is indecision, they can also have that checked out look about them, so she still may be at the One Foot Out The Door Stage, she may not even know what she wants, which makes it harder for her partner to be able to find out what she wants and to be able give it to her.
So because of the sensitive timing, her husband may have to take action both in the One Foot out the Door and Both feet out the Door stages.
He’ll have to be dedicated to finding out what it is that she wants and be consistent in giving it to her as well as understanding, accepting and appreciating her needs, yet at the same time prepare for the potential of her leaving him for good, so he will be ready and not devastated and not be in a constant state of agony as he waits for the potential shoe to drop.
~ Melody Chase
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