In a Relationship, Can One Partner Be More Successful Than The Other? The Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe Story

When I took Psychology and Social Psychology at University our Professors always said that relationships cannot be successful if one partner has a different level of education, different social status or even different level of intelligence. One area that wasn’t covered was what happens if one partner is more successful, such as in their careers than the other partner? Does having different levels of success also affect the success of the relationship?

There has been a lot of speculation as to why the movie stars Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe broke up. One of the main speculations is that Hilary Swank’s career as a star skyrocketed after the couple got married to a point where she had two Academy Awards and in major motion pictures and Chad Lowe on the other hand started off a popular movie star and TV star, won a Emmy, then just faded into the background. So was their breakup the result of Chad not being able to handle the success, popularity and accomplishments of Hilary?

Well, let’s go over some reasons as to why different levels of success may have an impact on a relationship.

Major change in a relationship: If one member of the relationship was successful going into the relationship, then at least the other partner had an idea of what they were going into, but if major success came for one of the partners after they got married, this could be considered a major life change. It’s as life altering a having a baby for the first time or changing careers.

It impacts both members of the couple and if one or both of them are not used to or haven’t learned how to adapt to change it can be a major source of stress and powerstruggle for both partners.

This is especially true if they are not consciously aware of the effects of such a major life change. They may try to carry on with their relationship as normal, but eventually the undercurrents will catch up to them or build up in the relationship.

Jealousy: In the case of Hilary and Chad, they both were movie and TV actors and both, I am quite sure had dreams of becoming Superstars and winning an Academy Award one day and having their star on Hollywood Boulevard. Well, that all came through for Hilary, but for Chad, it hasn’t happened yet.

Even the most stable, loving person in the world, would at a bare minimum feel at least a bit jealous and sad. Jealousy is usually around when a person feels like something is being taken away from them that one can’t replace, a belief that is seated in the Competitive Adversarial Paradigm or jealousy may also be around as a signal to a person’s soul that there is something that the other person is doing, or being that sparks a desire within themselves, something that they desire to be or do, but they feel powerless or that it is just out of their reach.

Many movie stars are what we call Expressive Personalities, they love people, they love to be the centre of attention, want to loved who they are and do not like to look bad. In the case of what happened with Hilary and Chad, all attention and love was turned and focused towards Hilary, plus I’m quite sure Hilary was also pulled away into a whirlwind of publicity and press which also took Hilary and her attention away (not intentionally of course, but just what goes along with the job) away from Chad, so not only was she moving forward more quickly then him towards her dreams, his needs for love and attention were being taken away as well.

A build up of jealousy is one of the Great Dividers of Love that we talk about in Love By Design Book at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

Great Dividers of Love are built up emotions in a relationship that cause a separation of love. These emotions are caused by the accumulation of experiences such as revenge or judgment, loss of respect, loss of trust, and disappointment resulting in closed, numb and frozen hearts, that make it harder and harder to love and relate with your partner whether your compatible or not.

The Couple’s vision may not align anymore or to begin with: Everyone, even if they may consciously not be aware of it have a vision of what they would like to see unfold in their lives.

Some couples verbalize to each others what their visions are, others assume that the other person has the same vision. In order to have a successful, compatible relationship, both couples need to have to same vision, since it is like a North Star that will lead them in the same direction.

So if one partner has a Vision of being successful in their career and the other person is aware and in agreement with it, then everything aligns, but if one member thinks they are the only one who is going to be successful and the other person is going to just wait on them hand and foot, and the other person is unaware and/or not in agreement to this arrangement, there is going to be some major fallout if both couples try to become successful.

The partner who thought they were the only ones going to be successful resist the other person’s success, the second partner who is trying to become successful too will feel this resistance from the other partner and feel the powerstruggle. If the success is sudden and unexpected this can also interfere with a couple’s original vision, especially if the suddenly successful partner is the one who agreed to take a backseat to the other partner.

Now I’m not saying that Chad was expecting to be successful person and Hilary was going to be in the background, but when they met and got together Chad was quite popular, he had excellent reviews for the character that he played in his TV series.

Hilary got fired on 90120 and although she made her mark as Buffy’s side Kick in the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer Movie, her next major movie Karate Kid 2 was considered a flop. So at the very least, the couple was expecting their life to be a little more even and uneventful then what ended up happening with Hilary

Values Conflict: Values can be described as something that is important to you. It is something that you are willing to focus on, and put attention and time into in order to maintain.

Our values play an integral part in determining the compatibility and success of our relationships. Values are the glue that holds people together. Lack of compatible values can be the undoing of a relationship.

Often when one person in the relationship becomes successful it puts a lot of pressure on the values that the partners already had in common.

For example if a couple were both relationship centred (meaning that their main focus and energy was focused on each other) followed by both being work centred or career centred, then the couple will get along fine because they do not have competing values or powerstruggles.

However, if one partner becomes highly successful, the demands of their success may become a higher priority then the relationship. Now it becomes a powerstruggle because the other partner is still relationship centred and is trying to get their needs met for a one on one relationship with their partner, but the successful partner is now focusing on their work first.

This may be what happened with Hilary and Chad. They went for marriage counselling before getting married so they could get their marriage off to a healthy start, but they were probably not expecting Hilary to become as popular and successful. Hilary, who took her marriage and relationship seriously was still pulled by the publicity, media, film roles and even preparation for roles that she would be playing.

There is an interview were Chad said in a joking manner on how it was funny that once your wife wins an academy award you have to wait in line and make an appointment to be with her. Then of course, there was the famous incident when Hilary won her first Golden Globe for Boys Don’t Cry, where she forgot to thank her husband for his support. For ever after that she always made sure she didn’t forget her husband, but even then it can be seen how the power of success can potentially put a strain on people’s value hierarchies.

Different Role Requirements: Sometimes with success there is a change in the roles and responsibilities of the other partner. If they were aware and on board with the partner’s upcoming success then they may be more prepared. For example, the wife of the next future president pretty much has a good idea of what their role and responsibilities would be. However, with sudden success one partner may find themselves in a role they weren’t originally planned on playing.

For example with Hilary, Chad started off as a fellow actor and loving husband, but as Hilary became more popular and in demand, he found himself as the loving and supportive husband, helping her as she prepared for roles, being there for emotional support and attending her award ceremonies. It may not have been what he originally wanted to do.

So then, what can a couple do if one partner is more successful or becomes more successful than the other?

The following are some suggestions.

Be aware that change has an impact on the relationship: Being aware that change can have a major strain on a relationship is important. Finding out how you react and how your partner reacts to change, then find out the highest and best ways to embrace and heal from the effects of the change.

Jealousy: Being honest and upfront about feeling jealous is very important in a relationship to prevent build up of emotions and separation of love in a couple.

For Chad and Hilary, when they separated, they did go for marriage counselling to patch things up. Chad may have been carrying around feelings of jealousy and disappointment but because he was a loving, caring and supportive husband he may have keep this to himself. One of the speculations was that he had a substance abuse problem that he kept hidden from Hilary and this breach of trust was one of their downfalls.

One of the reasons for the substance abuse may be because he was trying to avoid feelings and emotions that he had, either because they were so strong and overwhelming and/or he felt guilty or embarrassed about them. However, by holding them to himself, he broke the trust in the relationship instead of taking the risk and being honest about how he felt.

Find Out What Yours and Your Partners Values and Visions Are: Find out and discuss what yours and your partner’s values and visions are and see if you are aligned to begin with and if not how far apart you are. If yours and you partner’s visions and values are not too far apart, negotiations may be able to fill the gap. If they are farther apart, you then may have to reevaluate whether you are the highest and best for each other.

Discuss With Your Partner What to Do if One Partner Does Become More Successful: Just as a household discusses what to do incase of a fire in the household, there is no reason why a couple can’t plan together and come up with creative solutions to deal with one partner becoming successful, including what each partners roles and responsibilities will be. That way if one day a major life change does occur, the couple at least prepared instead of completely being taken off guard.

For Hilary and Chad we may never know what was the actually cause of their break up. I do know that they went into their marriage determined to have a strong foundation and tried very hard to save their marriage once they separated. This article was inspired by their dedication.

~ Melody Chase

Learn my proven strategies to choosing your RIGHT companion and to even KEEP him/her for life! Get access to all of the BEST relationship systems, methodology and technologies ALL IN ONE PLACE, plus I'll reveal to you the EXACT SAME system I've taught all my successful clients at my relationship Centre. You too CAN stop hunting down those Coaches or Counsellors, and learn ALL their trade secrets, including THOSE which they have been holding back from You! Click here!

Discover how you can easily get your true love on demand by learning the proprietary information in this ebook! Used and tested with success by thousands of people over the last 15 years, we are going to come clean and reveal the "formula" in this tell-all manual! You can stop failing in your relationship right from the start! Click here to get your true love ON DEMAND!

What's your Self-Esteem level? Research suggests the higher your self-esteem the happier a life you will have. Indeed, it appears your self-esteem level affects almost, if not every aspect of your psychological self. Knowing your self-esteem level may be very helpful in explaining behaviors you have displayed but don't really understand. Self-esteem also plays a major role in how we act in relationships without peers. Take our FREE assessment today and help yourself discover your Esteem level! Click here to Test Your Self Esteem Level Today!