How To Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Ex- Partner - Part 1

At our LMC Relationship Centre we had a question from a man (who we will call Paul for the purposes of our article) who was in a really difficult and sticky relationship situation.

Paul had divorced his wife (who we will call Danielle) and his wife Danielle was in a new relationship.

However, Paul and Danielle were still enmeshed with each other because of several factors including:

1. That they share custody of their children.
   
2. They were used of being each other’s support system during crisis situations and both of them were having a period of crisis with relatives so they were naturally still drawn to support each other.
3. They still had romantic and/or sexual chemistry together.

The enmeshment causing factors wasn’t bothering Danielle because she was in another relationship but this was driving Paul crazy especially knowing the Danielle was with someone else.

Paul didn't know how to sever ties with Danielle - he had to share the children and was so used to being there for Danielle and Danielle’s family that Paul couldn't fathom not supporting Danielle emotionally anymore and no longer receiving emotional support from Danielle as well.

Paul was afraid it was only a matter of time before he was going to give in and want to be in a relationship with Danielle again or worse yet end up having an affair with Danielle.

So whether you are in a situation like Paul or Danielle and especially when there are other people involved like children and new partners, it is only fair to everyone involved to learn ways on how to break the enmeshment and create new, healthy boundaries.

So we have developed some practical suggestions on how to create boundaries which include:

1) Having a Letting Go Ceremony

2) Creating Boundaries

3) Seeking Support Elsewhere

4) Reminding Yourself It Is An Abundant World

I have split this article into a 4 Part Series so we can go over in more detail each of the suggestions above.

For Part 1 of our Series let’s go over ‘Having a Letting Go Ceremony'.

1) Having A Letting Go Ceremony:

In another article I wrote I talked about the importance of being able to let go of your ex-partner and offered some exercises that can help symbolically cut the ties emotionally, physically, intellectually and even energically between you and your ex-partner. These same exercises can be applied here in the case of mutual enmeshment. It may sound simplistic but do not underestimate the power of putting on a production- this is why all cultures have symbolic ceremonies such as weddings, funerals and graduations to name a few.

So some creative ways to have a “Letting Go Ceremony” in order to symbolically let your relationship go would be writing a good-bye letter. A letter is also a good way to get anything that is unresolved about the relationship that you need to get off your chest.

If it doesn't feel right to give the letter to you ex-partner, you can always burn it or bury it like Ugly Betty did with her ex-boyfriend Henry's things that they shared together at the beginning of the T.V. Series Ugly Betty Season Two. You can take anything that represents your relationship to symbolically dispose of as well.

In Part 2 of our 4 Part Series we will be discussing the importance of creating boundaries.

If you have any questions, you can email us at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Is He or She Your Destiny?

If You Are Looking For a Proven System to Help You Decide Whether You Should Stay or Go In Your Relationship? Check-out our Love By Design Program Now at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com