Can I Get What I Want If I Threaten To Leave The Relationship?

We had a woman come to see us at the Centre in order to find a way on how to cope in regards to leaving her partner. At first we thought she either needed encouragement or backup for her choice for leaving and /or emotional validation. To our surprise we found out what she really wanted was a coping strategy in order to be able to carry out her plan.

Plan? Yes, she had a plan that she was going to threaten to leave the relationship, and if her partner didn’t do what she wanted him to do, she would leave, he would then be forced to change and do what she wanted him to do.

The trouble was she had never tried this before and she was afraid that if she left he may take the opportunity to leave the relationship and her plan would backfire. She wanted to find a coping strategy to deal with the anxiety caused by the unpredictability of the situation.

This woman came from a Competitive Adversarial Paradigm where she believed that the only way that you can get what you want is by forcing the other person into it and getting them to change.

Apparently any strategy that she had tried before coming to see us didn’t appear to be working, so she decided the best strategy would be to threaten her partner. Her mind was made up and she wasn’t interested in learning any new paradigms such as relationships are a mutual fulfilling of needs, learning about highest and best relationships or even basic relationship mastery skills, she truly believed using the “take-away” technique would be the best way to go.

Since we came from a different paradigm than her, we weren’t able to help her. She didn’t return after the first session. After the session was over, I asked Rob (Director/ Counsellor of the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre) if threatening to leave the relationship was a common practice in relationships.

Rob said yes, in fact it is often the reason why couples end up coming to counseling in the first place, because one of the partners is threatening to leave. The partner, who is threatening to leave, is planning on using the counseling session as leverage and the partner who is being threatened often end up coming to the session because they are scared. So I asked Rob, well if the woman that just came to see us is so convinced that threatening or leaving the relationship is the most effective way to get what she wants, why is she having so much anxiety about it?

Rob explained that besides the fact that she has never actually left before so it is something completely new to her, the anxiety may be a sign that at some level this isn’t the highest and best way for her to go, but she is just not willing to listen because she hasn’t be taught any other way in order to get her needs met.

So then, if there is so many people out there who believe or thinking about leaving their partner as a way to get want, the next natural question would be, can they really get what they want going that route?

Through Rob’s and mine's experience over the years, the answer to that question may be “yes” in the short-term, but “no” in the long term.

The question really lies in the reasons as to why the partner isn’t getting what they want? Is the threat of leaving enough of an eye opener for the threatened partner and if it is, is the other partner really being authentic or are they just giving the leaving partner what they want to prevent them from leaving?

There are several reasons why the threatened partner was originally not giving the leaving partner what they want including:

They may not be aware of what the partner wants.

They may not be aware that there is a problem, or they may not agree that what their partner considers to be a problem.

They may not be able to give their partner what they want because of incompatibilities such as different communication modes, values or visions.

They may not have relationship mastery skills, such as conflict resolution and how to be emotionally validating.

They have dysfunctional or toxic tendencies such as emotional baggage, emotionally shutdown or borderline personality.

They may simply not want to or be interested in giving the leaving partner what they want in the way they want it.

They may not be getting their own needs met.

So once the leaving partner has the attention of the threatened partner, now what? Is the threatened partner acting authentically or just out of fear? Will the original issues reoccur overtime if not addressed?

Unless the partner simply wasn’t aware and now understands and authentically can give the threatening partner what they want, indeed the issues will return eventually.

Of course, there is also the potential that threatened partner may be thinking of having an affair or already is, and a threat of their partner leaving is just the out that they need, so again threatening may not always be the best route to go. If the threatened partner is considering wanting to get out themselves, again it is important to find out why they are unhappy and also incase it may be areas that can be resolved like relationship mastery skills.


Even if for the simple purpose of finding out that you are incompatible, it is in both partners’ best interest to find out what is really going on. So whether they end up staying or going, at least everything is out in the open and what can be learned about them and their partner can be applied to any relationship in the future.

Melody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design. She can be reached by email at support@lovebydesign.com

~ Melody Chase
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