When Counselling Isn’t Working – Now what do you do? (Part 2)

PART TWO - ACTION

What they all have in common when people use these dysfunctional behaviors is that they are trying to get their needs met, but the ways they have developed or have picked or learned from others are not serving them in the highest and best way. In fact the dysfunctional behavior will eventually destroy them instead of protect them.

So without years and years of therapy, what are the most common ways of removing dysfunctional behavior?

The following two steps are what we recommend:

1) Use the 4 Steps to Unconditional Love Technique.
2) Decide to change the dysfunction and replace the gap with a functional behavior.

1) 4 Steps to Unconditional Love

In our Love by Design Book (http://www.lovebydesignbook.com/) we go over our four steps to be able to have a loving relationship with your partner. The same steps can be used to heal any dysfunctional behavior you may have.

The four steps are:

1) Understanding
2) Acceptance
3) Forgiveness
4) Appreciation

I’ll go over how they can be applied to healing dysfunctional behavior:

1) UNDERSTANDING: Understand that you have been hurt or traumatized or have not been getting your needs met in the way you wanted them met. You did the best you could under the circumstances and with you had available at the time. Likewise the person who hurt, traumatized or didn’t allow you to have your needs met were doing the best they could with the information that they had available at the time.

2) ACCEPTANCE: Acceptance that your dysfunctional behavior was trying to serve and protect you even though it may not have been in the best way for you.

3) FORGIVENESS: Forgiveness is important in order to let go of the hurt and trauma and make room for new experiences and new decisions. So you may forgive the person who hurt or traumatized you as well as forgive yourself for not knowing a different way that may have served you better.

4) APPRECIATE: Appreciate that even using your dysfunctional behavior helped you get around in life, you have survived and where able to get to this new level of consciousness and where you are today.

2) Decide to change the dysfunction and replace the gap with a functional behavior.

Now since you have gotten to a point of appreciating the dysfunctional behavior, you can now “choose”, yes choose or make a choice to change the dysfunction without being in resistance to it. Making a decision is a very powerful force, and you will be supported in your environment. You will find that you will draw into your life the material, resources, and support that you need not only to change the behavior, but also to help you find the highest and best functional behavior to replace the dysfunctional behavior with.

To get you started the following is Rob’s Super Pattern Blaster that can be used to remove a dysfunctional behavior, after listing the steps, I have included some functional behaviors examples that you can choose to replace the dysfunctional behaviors:

SUPER PATTERN BLASTER

The following is Rob’s Super Pattern Blaster exercise to repattern reoccurring patterns:

1) Identify the Pattern.

2) Understand that the pattern is just one of action of many, many potential patterns, a mosaic or tapestry that you can pull from even though you may have only been set up for one by your family of origin or society etc. It also means that there is a polarity or opposite pattern.

3) Accept and Appreciate the polarity as it is part of many possibilities of divine perfection- accept and appreciate the pattern, love, accept and appreciate the existing patterns.

4) Make a decision that you don’t want the pattern anymore (The decision is final, you won’t accept it anymore, won’t allow it, if you see it starting up you will stop it.)

5) Choose the polaristic pattern or another pattern that suits you life better.

6) Install and integrate and become one with the new pattern.

7) In life any pattern can exist, but for you, you are now someone who always chooses the new pattern, it is how you are now.

8) You assumed the identity of someone who has assumed the new pattern.

FUNCTIONAL BEHAVORIAL PATTERNS EXAMPLES

The following are some functional behavior patterns that you can chose to replace the old dysfunctional behavior:

1) MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON YOUR AUTHENTIC FEELINGS: Make a decision to make decisions based on authentically what makes you feel good, what is fun, light, bright and peaceful for yourself. You are perfect so any decision that you make based on what feels good to you (instead of decision based on how to appease other people in order to get what you want) will automatically be what is highest and best for you and everyone around you.

2) DEVELOP AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE BASE FOR YOURSELF: Develop an unconditional love base with yourself so no matter what you do or don’t do, think or don’t think, be or not be you will unconditionally love yourself without judgment or expectation of yourself. Create your own base of security that is rock solid and not based on the conditional up and down love, judgments and expectations of other people.

3) USE FUNCTIONAL COMMUNICATION TECHNIQUES: Use functional communication techniques such as our 4 Step Communication Technique or Conflict Resolution Technique and find out what both your partner’s and your own communication modes are so you are on the same page in order to communicate. If you decide to, you will draw in whichever functional communication technique that is the highest and best for both you and your partner.

This article only touches on the topic of dysfunction and how to change it, but with a new awareness and understanding of the potential reasons for any stall in your relationship, you will now be able to draw in or search out what you need to resolve it if you or your partner do in fact have dysfunctional behaviors.

~ Melody Chase

Authentic relationship counseling – Marriage advice – Marriage tips
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