How do you know how much to give in a relationship?

You may have heard about how codependency and care giving is not good for a relationship for many reasons ranging from exhausting yourself, being inauthentic and creating dependency and feelings of disempowerment in your partner.

At the same time, a relationship is about two people relating and the importance of energy freely flowing back and forth between the partners. If one partner is giving and the other person isn’t it interrupts the flow of energy causing staleness, anthropy and needs not getting met in a relationship.

So then what is the right amount of giving to sustain a healthy, balanced and energetic relationship?

The following are some guidelines:

1) Only do things that feel light, fun, energetic, and peaceful. If you are doing or giving anything to your partner that feels heavy, dark, or forced then you are doing something that you feel you should be doing versus would be highest and best for everyone.

2) Only do something that you have the energy to do, if you are tired don’t do it. Recharge then do only what you feel like doing.

3) Ask yourself am I giving to my partner because I feel I need to or because I want to? If is because you want to - go for it, if it’s a need or should - don’t do it.

4) Find out what your partner’s communication modes are so you can get the most bang for your buck. There is no use giving if your partner can’t receive your gift because you are not communicating it in their communication mode.

5) Develop routines that will spice up your partner’s day yet not exhaust you, they will just come as natural to you are brushing your teeth in the morning. For example, I always say goodnight and that I love Rob, my significant other before I go to sleep. It is part of my routine just the same as someone would say their prayers or combs their hair before going to bed.

I also make sure to pay attention when Rob comes home and always slip in sometime throughout the day how much I appreciate him and what he is doing for the relationship. Then there is affectionate touching scattered throughout the day too so I’ve connected in all his communication modes and energy has been sent out to him, but since I developed a routine it’s absolutely no skin off my back. It is as natural as driving a car or riding a bike. It takes a little time to adapt to a routine, but once it’s in, it’s in.

The suggestions may seem simplistic but that is truly how easy it is to be able to have a healthy relationship that is energetically balanced.

Melody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design. She can be reached by email at support@lovebydesign.com

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