When Counselling Isn’t Working – Now what do you do? (Part 1)

You have gone to several different relationship counsellors, read the best relationship help books and watch Dr. Phil everyday, yet your relationship with your partner isn’t getting any better.

The best communication techniques and relationship repair strategies that apparently work for other couples isn’t working for you and your partner. You wonder, what is going on?

The answer? You and your partner may have functionality problems.

At our Centre, and in our relationship books such as Love by Design, (www.lovebydesignbook.com) and Counsellor in a Box, (www.counsellorinabox.com, (coming soon.)) We talk about function and dysfunction in a relationship.

We have discovered is that no matter how much insight and Relationship Mastery Skills one has if you and/or your partner have dysfunctional behaviors, you will not be able to have a functional relationship.

Anyone who does any gardening knows that aside from using chemicals, the only way to get rid of a weed is to pull it up by the roots; otherwise the same weed will grow back. Taking the dysfunction out of a relationship works the same way; you have to get to the root of the problem.

At our Centre, when Rob (Director and Counsellor of the Centre for Life Management/LMC Relationship Centre) finds a couple at a stand-still and our normal 4 step system isn’t working, Rob will start seeing the individual members of the couple separately, in order to work on each individual's dysfunctional behaviors. Then once they are individually functional he will start seeing them together again as a couple to rebuild their relationship.

So as a person reading this article, the important thing to do is to first become aware of the dysfunction, then take action by deciding to change it.

Therefore our article will separated in to 2 parts. PART ONE is called AWARENESS, PART TWO is called ACTION.

PART ONE - AWARENESS

The following are some types or forms of dysfunction in a relationship. They can range from different categories such as the following:

1) CODEPENDENCY, DEPENDENCY, CAREGIVING AND ADDICTIVE PERSONALITIES

Codependency, dependency, caregiving and addictive personalities are ways that people develop to get their needs met in relationships that are dysfunctional not only for themselves but to the other people that they draw in to create a dysfunctional cycle. For example, a person who is codependent will attract someone who is dependent and visa-versa. A caregiver often attracts an addictive personality to take care of and the addictive person draws in someone to take care of them so they are pursue their addictive tendencies.

Let’s examine codependency as an example. Codependency is a condition that results from dysfunctional patterns based on unhealthy relationships. These dysfunctional patterns are socially learned patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting which result in dependency on other people, places, organizations, things and events to create approval, appreciation, self worth, love, a sense of safety, self esteem, purpose and identity.

The following are some reasons as to why codependency is dysfunctional in a relationship:

People who are codependent:

Do things that are not authentic

Will draw in a dependent and will continue the pattern with them by making decisions based in codependency. Will be angry, depressed or repressed because they are not doing or being what they truly are or want to be which will lead to health problems or emotional outbursts or will draw in angry people who will burst their anger out on them.

This is why relationship counseling with codependents is hard because the codependent person isn’t being truthful or honest about what they really want whether that is with the counselor, their partner or even themselves. Codependency can stall any growth during counseling.

2) PERSONALITY DISORDERS

More serious personality disorders such as Borderliners, Paranoia and Narcissistic personalities can create a dysfunctional relationship. These types of personality disorders usually don’t need to be on medication, but do cause a lot of complications in a relationship. For example a Borderliner because of usually early childhood trauma revolving around abandonment, they often react strongly to the fear of abandonment, take extra measures to insure that people don’t abandon them, and often have trouble feeling safe, secure or settled. They will also often turn on the people they love to prevent from being hurt or because they are feeling hurt because they feel like they are being abandoned. Their partner gets pushed back and forth between feeling smothered and being pushed away.

3) TRIGGERS AND PATTERNS

Triggers can be caused by past traumas like being emotionally invalidated as a child so when you are with your partner you fly off the handle if they are invalidating. Patterns are often more subtle than triggers because we are so used to the pattern we won't recognize it right away. We pick up patterns from early childhood, generational patterns (Which can also include DNA patterns passed on thorough genes.) and any experience during the course of our lives.

They can be so subtle that we can draw in people into our lives to recreate a pattern from childhood without noticing the pattern especially at first. The person will feel so familiar you will not recognize the pattern until it’s well established in the relationship. These feelings of familiarity may also block a person from making highest and best decisions.

For example you draw in someone who you are not compatible with just like the relationship your parents had. You know you should go, but it just feels so familiar that it is comfortable even if you are suffering. There may also be pattern induced arguments that you and your partner have together that just seem unresolvable and intense. The reality is the argument can’t be resolved until the pattern is discovered, removed and replaced with a more functional pattern.

4) POOR COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Poor communication skills or lack of communication skills like cutting each other off, indirect communication, counterattacking or avoiding communication all together can cause a lot of dysfunction in a relationship. Some people may grow up in households were it was perfectly normal to talk over each other, sure you may be having your say but that may not necessarily mean that anyone is listening or understanding what you are saying. Other people may not know how to handle a conflictual situation and may just react instead or choose not to say anything in fear of other people’s reactions.

Counseling and rebuilding a relationship is next to impossible if the couple can not communicate with each other or be willing to learn and apply correct and functional communication techniques.

5) TOXICITIES AND DEFICIENCIES

A Relationship Toxicity is a bad love habit. A Relationship Deficiency is lack of a relationship skill, mindset or attitude. Toxic and deficient behaviors for the purposes of this example would be such as being verbally, physiologically, physically or emotionally abusive or being emotionally unavailable or emotionally shutdown.

Abusive behaviors are often taught or picked up from others as the means to getting what they want. The abuser have never been shown or introduced to handling situations any other way and they continue to use the abusive behavior, even if the other partner is complaining or unhappy by their approach. The abuser knows no other way so they just think there is something wrong with their partner not them.

It is hard to counsel a couple if one or both partners are convinced that abusive behavior isn’t abusive because they are not open to learning other ways.

Melody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design. She can be reached by email at support@lovebydesign.com

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