Are You Controlling In Your Relationship, Yet Are Not Aware of It?

There are some personalities who are more sensitive and reactive to people who try to control them, whether the other person is doing this intentionally or not. Due to the fact that most of society is seated in the competitive adversarial paradigm, we have often picked up competitive ways to try to control or influence others without even knowing that we are doing it.

For some people it comes as a shock to them when they are accused of being controlling or trying to control others. They are genuinely confused because to them, in order to be controlling you would have be openly directive, bossy, aggressive, demanding and barking out orders.

However, a person can be much more subtle in their style of control and influence, yet still get to same intense reaction from the people who they are attempting to control who doesn’t like to be controlled.

This article will be divided into Two Parts; Part One is Awareness of the ways one can be controlling and Part Two alternatives to being controlling.

Part One – Awareness

The following is an overview of ways on how people can be influencing or controlling people without even knowing it; I will go over each in further detail after I Iist them.

Subconscious influencing words like “You” and “Should” and “Need”
Control Dramas including using guilt and social influence.

Fait Du Complete

Judgment and invalidation

Suggestions and problem solving.

Subconscious Influencing Words Like “You” and “Should” and “Need”

People often use influencing words and words that directly affect the subconscious without realizing that they are doing it. Trained sales people and people who know a lot about the subconscious mind also may use these types of words intentionally.

The most common influencing word is “You”; second biggest is “should”. For example if a person is having a discussion or an argument people may say things like” You are paranoid” “You are the one with the problem.” “You should take care of your kids “You should stop blaming me” “You need to decide what is best for the kids.” “You should listen to what I say.” If these words are used enough, it can have an effect on even the strongest willed person and for a person who is sensitive to being controlled they will react right away because they are being told what do, say or be.

Control Dramas

What is a Control Drama? A control drama is a way or technique that people use to try to get what they want which often causes conflict and is usually learned or developed unconsciously. Although the ways that the people are using control dramas may appear to work for them in the moment, often it doesn’t achieve their goals and causes damage in the relationship. For people who had no idea that the following are actually forms of control, may have been just using them all along thinking that this is just the normal stuff that people do when they are arguing, upset or not getting what they want. The following are control dramas:


· Criticism or guilt
· Charm, gifts, doing stuff for another
· Crying
· Yelling or Screaming
· Threats, verbal or physical
· Pulling away, shutting down or not talking to your partner
· Hurting themselves, breaking things (consciously or unconsciously) or throwing things
· Being nice
· Giving affection or sex
· Using security, children, money, relatives, using social pressure, or any combination of people, places and things to get what you want.


One of the forms of control dramas mentioned above is social pressure, which is often used by the Expressive Personality, people who use this control drama technique will say things like “What will you Mother think if you don’t do ___” or “What will your friends think if you do ___” “Your children are going to think ___ of you if you don’t do ___.” It is a very strong way of influencing or guilting you into doing whatever it is that they want you to do.

Fait Du Complete

A Fait du Complete is where someone decides something that effects you without your say in it that is too late for you to do anything about. What better way for a person to get what they want then by doing what they want then telling you about it after the fact, when it’s too late. For example, “ Oh, Honey, I know we didn’t discuss this, but here’s our new puppy that I picked up from the Human Society on the way home from work” Or “ Oh by the way, I just gambled $200 dollars at the casino on the way home from work. “ Sometimes, you may have a discussion, but they go off and do what you were discussing even if you didn’t come to a final decision about it.

In another article we mentioned often people use Fait du Completes because they are unaware that what they are doing is taking away freedom and choice from their partner and this is just what they do because everyone seems to do it. Other people feel they need to do Fait du Competes because it is in the best interest of their partner or because they feel like they have no choice because in their mind there is no way their partner is going to go along with their plans unless it is already too late.

Judgment and Invalidation

Another way people may feel like they are being controlled and influenced is by people who are in judgment and invalidate what the first person is doing, thinking, saying or deciding to do. Nothing sours a person’s enthusiasm, sense of self esteem and even their inner child more than having someone passing judgment on them or taking apart what they believe. Sometimes people are intentionally doing this in order to stop the other person in their tracks and prevent them from going down a certain route or they may be jealous of them and will try to disempower the other person. The majority of the time though, people just do not know how to disagree without disapproval or how to disagree without sounding like disagreeing. As well, some people are just naturally what we call mismatchers, which is a metaprogram where they come from a perspective of seeing difference in everything versus seeing things as having things in common. As well, there are people who are highly Analytical who are very logical and need to point out things that are not logical, however in doing so, they are potentially controlling they other person’s viewpoint and perspective on things even though that is not their intent.

Suggestions and Solutions

At our centre we have a system which is designed for a couple to be able to problem solve together called the DADADADA system. In the system the beginning steps involve finding out if both partners are aware that there is a problem and whether both partners agree that there is a problem. In order to continue with the rest of the steps, both partners have to agree that there is a problem. What often happens in couples that are not aware of the DADADADA system, one partner will decide that there is a problem and without checking to see if the other person understands or agrees that there is a problem will start giving suggestions or solutions to the problem. These suggestions usually begin with “You Should ” and the other partner if they are sensitive to being controlled are going to be in resistance to any suggestions or solutions because they haven’t agreed that there is anything wrong or agreed to do anything about it. They just have this partner coming at them with a bunch of things that they think they should do, be or think.

Part Two – Alternatives

Now the following are some alternatives to using control and influencing techniques:

Awareness: Sometimes just the awareness that you are doing it is enough. It’s actually kind of neat when you catch yourself using a control drama for example, it can take you to a new level of understanding of yourself and how we often do things on automatic pilot.

“I Feel” Statements: Using “I feel” statements takes away the influence factor of the “You should”. “I feel” statements signals that you are taking ownership of the statement and that you are expressing how you feel, not giving a directive or a suggestion.

Disagreeing Without Disagreeing: The following is an example of a technique that we use, to be able to disagree with your partner without sounding like you are disagreeing as well as still supporting your partner’s ideas.

Say to your partner:

1) Your idea is fine.
2) I see that you are excited about your idea.
3) In truth, it wouldn’t work for me but it’s a great idea and I totally support you with what you think.

This way your partner feels totally good and supported about their idea, yet they know that you have a difference of opinion. The communication is kept open and no one feels offended.

Since the partner with the idea does not feel judged and feels supported, this highly increases the chances of them being open to negotiation and/or hearing your ideas or point of view as well.

The system may seem simple, but it can go a long way towards keeping the
creativity and expansion in your relationship open and alive.

DADADADA System

Last but not least, here is a brief overview of the DADADADA system.

Discuss if there is in fact a problem.

Agree there is a problem or not.

Discuss what the problem is.

Agree as to what the problem is.

Discuss possible solutions.

Agree to solution or not.

Discuss when and how to take action on it.

Agree to when and how to take action on it.

At the point where your partner and yourself agree or disagree that there is a problem, if they disagree that there is a problem, you cannot continue on to the next steps, or freely jump into giving suggestions or solutions. You will have to start over and again discuss whether there is a problem again, at the present time or again in the future when your partner is up to it, until then, do not go ahead with suggestions or solutions.

The steps may seem like a lot, however trust us, the difference between a partner who is sensitive to being controlled being open to problem solving is directly related their acknowledgment, and agreement to the problem as well as their agreement to solutions and problem solving, otherwise any advances from you with will be interpreted that you are trying to control them.

For more information about the DADADADA system as well as other communication and conflict techniques check out Love by Design Book at www.lovebydesignbook.com or contact Dr. Robby Bilton at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca.

~ Melody Chase

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