Love Em or Lose Em – Part 2

In Part One we explained about the dynamics of Amiable and Expressive Personalities who are with reactive partners.

Now in Part Two the following are four examples of Amiable and/ or Expressive women and where they are at in regards how they deal with their reactive partners depending upon their degree of acceptance, level of burnout and which counselling route or technique they decided to use.

(In part two will go over four examples of …use. We will also go over some final conclusions as to couples who are dealing with reactiveness in their relationships can do. )

Tanis, who is our top relationship Counsellor, is in her early thirties, an Expressive, Amiable, Analytical with a husband who is a Driver. She originally came to see us as client. She has two sons who are now 4 and 7. When she first came to see us she had suffered from major stress and anxiety and was codependent. For most of her life she didn’t really have many problems with reactive and conflictual people, this is until she got married to her husband.

Then all hell broke lose for her because she didn’t know how to deal with her husband and he wasn’t interested as well as didn’t understand what she needed in a relationship or what she needed in order to feel supported raising children.

She tried control dramas to try to influence him but nothing seemed to work. She began to get more and more reactive to his reactions and the more he reacted the more stressed she became. Then she hit a crisis point and her body began to shutdown. She became so sick that she couldn’t get out of bed.

She came to see us with her husband desperate to find out something that would help her and her relationship. We explained to her everything that we had mentioned in regards to reality of living with a Driver and the reality of what her needs were. Because she was at the biggest crisis point than the rest of the women we will be introducing, she was open to changing her paradigm because she couldn’t live the way she was anymore.

Tanis was actually able to accept who her husband for who he is and release the need to have a husband who wasn’t reactive. Her husband didn’t continue counselling, but because she was at peace with herself and her husband, their relationship greatly improved. Things that used to stress her no longer effects her and she understood the concept that if her husband was upset it wasn’t anything personal and she felt no need to be upset and protect herself. This greatly reduced the majority of the stresses and conflicts in their relationship. Tanis now would only like her husband just to take some basic communication mastery skills; otherwise her relationship was now functional.

Natalie is a 34 year old Amiable, Analytical, Expressive living with a Driver, Expressive, Analytical. For most of her life she has been surrounded by reactive, conflictual people. She had done a lot of personal work towards accepting and understanding people who were reactive.

Although she was not in resistance to the fact the people get angry she was still in resistance to having people getting reactive towards her, and was now beginning to burn out from many years of being on the receiving end of people’s reactiveness, including her Driver partner who she had been together with for six years. She was now at the point that any reaction from her partner caused her to automatically react back which didn’t go over very well with her partner who has taken the same amount of relationship counselling as she did. He kept telling her that it was her job not to react if he slips up and gets reactive, since they had made negotiations to be nice to each other. Natalie explained to him that she can no longer help it, after so many years, she just snaps when other people do. Natalie understands the concept of victim hood, and accepting her partner for who he is which helps release the stress she is under as well as understanding that she has the power to create her relationship.

However, she is not quite ready to release and allow her partner to be reactive because she still at some level believes that she needs to protect herself and that it is just not right to be on the receiving end of people’s reactions. She also knows and believes that she could draw in someone that will fulfill her needs but just hasn’t come to a conclusion yet which way she wants to go. So for now until she at least ready to allow her partner to be a full expression, they have developed negotiations where both of them will try their best to be nice to each other and for the most part it is working well for them.

Julia is a 40 year old Expressive, Amiable, Analytical, who has been dating a Driver man who has 2 kids from his last marriage. The couple had come to see us because Julia was in the verge of a breakdown. She managed to keep it together at work, but her dysfunction in her relationship was causing enough of a disruption in her boyfriend’s life, that he recognized that they needed help. Julia, like Natalie spent most of her life surrounded by reactive, conflictual people many of them much stronger in intensity than Natalie. Julia over the last couple of years decided that she had enough and she was going to fight for what she wants and wasn’t going to allow people to be reactive anymore. Of course because she was in resistance to them, she would attract the same amount or even more reactive people into her life.

This came to a head with her boyfriend since he was a Driver. After several sessions, her boyfriend still wasn’t getting the concepts of what we were teaching them and Julia was beginning to get even more rundown. It wasn’t until Julia called for a timeout in the relationship, that her boyfriend began to take us seriously. Now he was willing to learn what it takes to give Julia what she wanted in the way she wanted, he understood it was going to be a slow process because what she was asking of him wasn’t in his natural nature and because of her burnout it was hard for her to give him much slack when he would return to his own ways and become reactive.

Although, she understands about allowing her boyfriend to be himself, she isn’t ready to release yet, she wants him to be nice and non-reactive first, before she can release herself from her need to protect her self. Therefore, although we are doing personal work on her, the majority of responsibility at this time is on her boyfriend to create the environment that she wants and in order for her to feel safe enough to trust that he is being sincere and supportive of what she truly desires. The result is that there are a lot more blow-ups and falling of the wagon than Natalie and her boyfriend, but Julia and her boyfriend are dedicated and slowly but surely making progress.

Last but not least, Jean is an Amiable in her early 60s. She has been married to a Driver for man for 12 years. They met after her kids were grown, so they have no kids together. Unlike Natalie and Julia, Jean had been living a life with no conflict or reactive people in her life; she was living the Amiable dream life that was until she met her latest husband. For the first time she was introduced to a reactive and conflictual person. She didn’t know what to make of it a first, because it was quite a shock to find out that there were people like that in the world. She then tried to live with it, but after 12 years, there was enough build up from being on his receiving end; she was shutting down sexually and pulling away from him.

They came into counselling together. They were making some progress at about the speed of Julia and her boyfriend. However, at one counselling session where we were explaining that it was important to accept and allow her husband to be who he authentically he was, she reached her breaking point, saying she wasn’t going to take being with a reactive person anymore. She left the session and decided she wasn’t going to settle. Since she had spent the majority of her life in harmonious environments, she knew that she could find that type of environment again. Will she find her harmony in her next relationship without accepting people who are reactive, is yet to be seen, but she did take action towards creating the relationship that she wants without compromise or negotiation.

So really, in conclusion, what it comes down to for anyone who is dealing with a reactive partner is being able to:

1) Accept, allow and appreciate people who are reactive.

2) Release and be in non-resistance of people when they do react.

3) Understand that it is nothing personal when someone is reactive, if they understood that there is a better way to deal with you, that they believe genuinely that it works and would be able to apply it, they would use it since they do have good intentions.

4) Working on your own personal issues will improve your relationship regardless of whether your partner is on board or not.

You will be at a higher level of consciousness so things that use to bug or you, cause you stress or to be reactive would bother you anymore.
Your partner will also raise in consciousness automatically.
Your partner will fall away and you will draw in someone who is your highest and best.

5) You can create your reality, you have the right to create you reality and it is alright to give yourself permission to create your reality. It doesn’t have to be accept or let go, you can accept and still choose what you want to create and whatever is best will unfold, whether that is your partner ending up being your highest and best, or if they fall away, in either way you are covered by being in nonresistance and being in the power position of creating your reality.

~ Melody Chase

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