Love Em or Leave Em: Hw to Deal With Reactive Partners – Part 1

This is the story of four women and how they deal with having a reactive partner.

At our Centre we often explain to couples that some personalities are more naturally reactive and conflictual and there are also some personalities who do not handle reactive or conflictual people well. What often happens is these opposite ends of the spectrum personalities end up together as mates. For example, reactive, conflictual in a nature Driver Personalities will attract a non-reactive, conflict avoidant Amiable and/or Expressive Personality.

Since we will be talking about personalities throughout the article the following is a brief overview of the four main types of personalities:

At our Centre, we have a Personality Chart that we use, that involves 4 basic personality types that can have 16 variations when the personalities are mixed together. To keep my example simple, the following is a very basic overview of the four main types (For an extensive understanding, check out our Love by Design Book at www.lovebydesignbook.com )

Drivers: Are bottom line aggressive people who like results, tasks, control dominance and authority. They are independent, goal oriented, bossy, and sometimes even rude.

Expressives: Are emotionally based, love people, dominant and friendly, love appreciation, approval, centre stage, change their minds a lot, charming, humorous and fun. They have excellent people skills.

Amiables: Are friendly, like people, not aggressive, tend to promote harmony, safety, security, like to blend in and not make waves, accepting.

Analyticals: Analyticals like to work alone, precise, accurate, have rules, standards and procedures, finicky. Judgmental, critical and sometimes negative.

So getting back to the topic at hand, in many situations as the Driver personalities continue to be their authentic selves, the Amiables and Expressives have trouble handling the Driver’s personality. The Amiables and Expressives are sensitive of the Driver’s reactiveness and are often in judgment or resistance to their partner.

For many Amiables and Expressives, they have been on the receiving end of reactive people all their lives. Their judgment and resistance as well as the constant reactiveness of others cause the Amiables and Expressives to reach a breaking point. At a minimum, they become just as reactive as their Driver counterparts and at the extreme end having nervous breakdowns or develop major health issues like breast cancer.

The Driver partners don’t start to notice or acknowledge that there is something seriously wrong until there are physical symptoms or the Amiables and Expressives are seriously impeding the Driver’s A-B or the Amiables and Expressives threatens or actually leaves the relationship. If it gets to any of these points, the Amiable or Expressive may be pretty burned out.

Another thing that also happens along the way with Amiables or Expressives is that at first, when they are children and as young adults they believe that they don’t have a choice in having to deal with reactive people, they just had to accept and take the reactiveness of people. However as they get older, at some point they decide they are just not going to take it anymore and make it their mission to protect themselves. However, because they are in resistance, they end up drawing in more reactive people or increase the intensity of the reactiveness of the people they already have contact with and/or will meet.

So when we have couples who come to see us where one partner is a Driver and the other is an Amiable and/or Expressive who is in the process of burning out due the reactiveness of the Driver (Often the Driver is a Driver/ Analytical or a Driver, Expressive Analytical combination) we teach them the following points about their relationship:

We get both parties, the Driver and their Amiable and/or Expressive to understand each other’s differences, wants, needs and requirements.

We will show the Driver personality how to be aware of how to treat Amiables and Expressives and how to show caring towards them.

For the Amiables we get them to understand the nature of the Driver, that the Driver does not have a bad intent so that once the Amiable and Expressives understand that they will be able to support the Driver’s needs as well.

We also explain to the Amiable and Expressives that they are actually playing the victim and in fact partly responsible for their situation.

Once the Amiable and Expressives understand that they are playing the victim role it frees them to understand that they actually have the power to chose and create their reality. They can create the relationship that they want.

Some common concerns for the Driver partner is that they are afraid that they can’t be themselves and that they may not be able to complete their tasks and goals or they may have to lower the bar for their future achievements in order to give their Amiable and/or Expressive partners what they want.

Amiables and Expressives often find themselves in an interesting dilemma of 1) Allowing their Driver partners to be themselves and release the need for a non-reactive and non-conflictual partner versus 2) Leaving their partner and drawing in exactly what they want in a partner since they can have what they want and it is an abundant universe.

Amiables and Expressives can be happy if they stay and accept their partner or try negotiating or by leaving. Their happiness is just dependant upon their degree of acceptance, nonresistance and non-judgment of their partner, their degree of burnout and their ability to release their need for their partner to treat them a certain way.

The following are four examples of Amiable and/ or Expressive women and where they are at in regards how they deal with their reactive partners depending upon their degree of acceptance, level of burnout and which counselling route or technique they decided to use.

(In part two will go over four examples of Amiable and/ or Expressive women and where they are at in regards how they deal with their reactive partners depending upon their degree of acceptance, level of burnout and which counselling route or technique they decided to use. We will also go over some final conclusions as to couples who are dealing with reactiveness in their relationships can do.

~ Melody Chase

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