Are You Playing The Relationship Victim? Take Our Test to Find Out!

Many of the couples that come to see us at the centre spend a great deal of time explaining and complaining about everything that they are going through, all of their the trials and tribulations. Each partner will take turns about how they are suffering and all the work and sacrifice that they are doing to work and save their relationship. They will point out that the other partner is causing all the problems, is selfish, has a bad intent and is not dedicated to changing or saving the relationship.

Rob, the Director/Head Counsellor of the LMC Relationship Centre, when he first starts seeing couples explains right off the bat that he works differently then most couples counsellors in the sense that he isn’t there to sit and listen for hours empathizing with the couple, but he is there to give them to knowledge to create what they want both individually and as a couple.

One of the ways he goes about that is by pointing out that couples often play the victim game in the relationship. If people don’t completely understand what he is trying to say they will often become offended thinking that he is either trying to invalidate their feelings or experiences or worst yet, that he suggesting that somehow they have a hand in their present relationship situation.

Rob explains to them, that yes they do have a hand in their present situation, but it isn’t a bad thing, in fact having this new awareness is actually the best thing that can happen to them because then they will have the power to create the relationship that they want whether that is with their current partner or with their next partner.

Most of us go through life on automatic pilot, not realizing that there is certain Universal Laws that are in effect as well as unconscious patterns. Two examples of Universal Laws include the Law of Attraction and Law of Vibration. The Law of Attraction is where what is that you focus on you attract to yourself and The Law of Vibration is where what you are vibrating act is what you attract.

These two laws are constantly in the works, so basically anything you think about or focus on you end up drawing in or creating into your life.

So if you have certain negative belief systems about relationships you will draw that in, if you are focused on what you don’t want in a relationship you will draw that in and if you are in resistance to anything, often what we call a shadowside you will also draw that in. For example, if you consider yourself a nice person, you believe everyone needs to be nice and cannot accept that there are people out there, who are not nice, that’s who you will draw in.

Then if you have had childhood wounds or traumas that are unresolved, for example if your father abandoned you and your family when you were young, you may draw in partners into your life who abandons you. Then, there are patterns, which are often the most subtle than childhood wounds because we are so used to the pattern we won't recognize it right away. We pick up patterns from early childhood, generational patterns (Which can also include DNA patterns passed on thorough genes.) and experiences as we go through life.

All of these potential areas of don’t wants that may pop up and linger in your relationships, if you are not aware of them may seem to be things that they are coming from external circumstances, they are put upon you and you have no control or power against all these negative things that swirl around you.

So if you have no control over all these uncontrollable circumstances what else is there to do but to fight against the powers that be and try to protect yourself. However, often no matter how hard you work at it, no matter how you try to fight, you can’t seem to win, so you end up feeling like a victim.

As long as you believe you are a victim, even an innocent victim, you will not be able to truly change your circumstances; you will just be on the receiving end of whatever shows up in your life.

However, when you understand the fact that you are creating your reality, by your own thoughts and beliefs, as well as the beliefs put upon you and incorporated into your being is when the table is turned around.

If you are involuntarily creating your reality, that also means you can voluntarily and consciously create what you want, you hold all the power and you always have, it’s just it has never been revealed to you before.

So once you can go from the “Victim Paradigm”, to “I’m responsible for my reality Paradigm”, you know you hold your own power.

The following are the steps that are the most important steps to take as you return to your empowerment.

1) Awareness of whether you are in the Victim Paradigm:

Do you feel or do any of the following?

Feel Noble?
Feel like you are doing all the work?
You are doing all the sacrificing?
Your partner is the one who needs to change.
You are hard done by and put upon by your partner.
Your partner is the bad guy.
You are a nice person.
You are an innocent victim of circumstance and/or bad luck.
Can talk non-stop for 8 hrs about all the things that your partner is or isn’t doing to/for you.
Can talk for 8 hours nonstop about all the things you are doing to save or improve the relationship

If you answered yes to any of the above, you may be in the Victim Paradigm.

2) Taking Responsibility: Take responsibility for your life from this point onward.

3) Find Out Who You Are: Find out who you are and what your needs, wants and requirements.

4) Find Out What Your Childhood Wounds, Patterns and Any Negative Beliefs About RelationshipsThat You May Have Picked Up From Others Are: Next, embrace, heal , remove and replace these dysfunctional beliefs with functional beliefs so you can be authentically who you are and not influenced by the past and other people’s beliefs.

5) Learn about Universal Laws: If which ones are automatic and which ones you need to align or incorporate in order to create the highest and best relationship.

For more information about finding out who you are checkout our Love by Design Book at www.lovebydesignbook.com and for more information about creating your life and relationship of your dreams check out www.trueloveondemand.com.

~ Melody Chase

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