Why Isn’t My Partner Increasing in Awareness or Relationship Skills?

You and your partner have been going to counselling together. You are absorbing everything that you are learning like a sponge and taking action to incorporate your new insights into your relationship and everyday life.

Your partner on the other hand doesn’t seem to be going along the same route or pace as you. They show up for the counselling appointments, they go through the motions and/or actually seem interested in what’s going on.

Then once they leave the office, it’s like everything they just experience is erased from their memory. This of course, makes it harder for you to work with your partner and you have no choice but just to work on yourself. Sometimes this gets hard because your partner isn’t supporting you are you as try to work on yourself, so you wonder, what is going on? Why does my partner have the memory span of a goldfish? (A goldfish has a memory span of 5 seconds).

More often than not, this is happening because of what we call C.A.M.U. This stands for Capable, Awareness, Motivation, and Understanding. In other words they may not be increasing in awareness or relationship skills because of they are not capable, they lack awareness, lack motivation or do not understand something. I will go over each one in turn as well as give some suggestions to as to who to work with these areas.

Capable: Sometimes people may not be able to understand or do what it is that is being asked of them. Aside from having a certain level of intelligence; it is often because people have certain communication modes. The following is a brief overview about Communication Modes

We learn, we express love and communicate through different modes or combinations of modes. You and your partner can be primarily one mode or a mixture of up to all four.

Visual people communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things.

Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you.

Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood.

Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. They move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activities and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched.

As an example about being capable is a person who is a Visual person who is into doing, seeing and taking things at face value may not understand what it means to understand a Digital person, since a Digital person is all about being understood. Another example would be a person who isn’t Kinesthetic and who is very uncomfortable with touching or being physically comfortable may not be able to fulfill the Kinesthetic’s needs which is to be touched, touched constantly or touched in a certain way. So no matter how much the partner or the counsellor explains to the non-kinesthetic partner that there partner needs to be touched, they are just not going to do it naturally or be comfortable about it.

Suggestions: Find out what your partner’s communication modes are and find out what your communication modes are in order to see whether your partner is capable of communicating in your communication mode.

Awareness: Would be where a partner doesn’t understand the cause and effect of their behavior or doesn’t believe, understand or agree that there is a problem. The partner therefore isn’t going to do anything about the situation because they don’t understand the consequences or doesn’t agree that there is a problem to begin with.

Suggestions:

1) Ask your partner if they understand the cause, effects and consequences of their behavior or lack of behavior.

2) Ask them if they know what they problem is and if they are in agreement with the program.

Motivation: Similar to awareness, if there isn’t anything to motivate the partner to change, work with their partner or learn something new, then they are not going to put the effort in and/or there will be not enough motivating them to continue with the awareness and learning process. Basically, if they are pleasure centred and there is nothing that appears more pleasurable about what they are learning that moves them towards pleasure, then they will want to keep their current situation. If the partner is Pain Avoidance centred and the change that is expected of them seems too painful they will not more towards the change, but try to avoid it.

Often, whether the partner is pain or avoidance centred, often the motivation gets ac activated when their partner actually leaves the relationship.

Suggestions:

1) Ask your partner if they are pleasure centred or pain avoidant.

2) Ask them what would motivate them in the relationship.


Understanding: At the centre what we have found is that we may be teaching or having discussions in the wrong communication mode for the partner to understand. So one partner may understand because they are on the same communication mode that we are talking in, but other partner is not picking it up, retaining or learning anything.

For example, we may be talking on an Auditory and Digital channel during a session, but one of they partners is Visual Kinesthetic. When asked, they explained that they learn the best by watching role plays, participating in role-plays or going and reading material on their own.

Or if we were dealing with a Digital person and just gave role-plays without explaining why we are doing what we are doing, a Digital person would get stumped and not able to pick up anything because they would need to understand first, as well taking material home to read, that also explains the system, and meaning of what we are doing and why.

Suggestion: Ask your partner which way they feel that they would be able to learn the best.

Our suggestions may sound simple enough, however sometimes simple is all you need in order to be able to find out if your partner can increase in awareness and join you in your relationship and life journey.

For more information about communication modes and how to test for communication modes check out our free e-course called the Top Ten Compatibilities for Relationship Success at www.lovebydesignbook.com .

~ Melody Chase

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