Fait Du Complete

In many of our books and articles we talk about how certain personalities need their freedom more than other personalities. However, the truth of the matter is that all personalities will resist to different degrees when their freedom and their ability to make their own choices is involuntarily taken away.

One way how people’s freedom and choice is taken away is when one partner partakes in what we call a Fait Du Complete. For the purpose of this article we will be defining a Fait du Complete as being when one partner makes a decision that involves the other partner but doesn’t tell them about it until after they have made the decision.

If one partner uses the Fait Du Complete the partner on the receiving end of the FDC will react. Whether the reaction is great or small, the receiving partner is guaranteed to react.

The person who instigated the Fait Du Complete is usually wondering what the big deal is because they are getting what they and their own freedom and choices are not being taken away, so they have no idea what the other partner is going through.

So why do people use Fait Du Completes? The following are three possible reasons:

The C.A.P.

The C.A.P. Or Competitive Adverserial Paradigm is a belief system that the world is scarce there is a lack of abundance and not enough resources in the world for everyone, therefore everyone has to grab for the limited resources. They have been taught that the way to do that is to fight and compete for these limited resources and in order to survive and strive, they have to win. There is no such thing as a win, win, there is only win or lose.

People are so used to being in the C.A.P. and have been taught or just picked up the behaviors of others that they may be making final decisions on behalf of their partner without their partner’s input all the time and not even notice. They are oblivious to the idea that they are taking choice and freedom away from their partner. Even if the partner may have ended up agreeing with the partner who made to the decision without him, it is the uninformed partner who’s freedom and choice that has not been taken into consideration.

For example in the movie “You, Me and Dupree”, the husband pulled a FDC on his wife one night when he said ( I’m paraphrasing) “ Hi honey, I said to my best friend that he could sleep over… and oh yeah, by the way, he is already downstairs getting settled in.”

This of course took his wife by surprise and off guard- surprised that he made a hasty decision without her and- off guard because they were newlyweds and were not aware of Fait Du Complete and how to handle such a situation if it did come up. As for the husband, he was a nice guy and had a good intent, but he wasn’t aware of Fait Du Complete, he was just doing what everyone else does to him and to others in his environment, which became quite apparent as the movie continued.

Collateral Damage

Collateral damage is where the partner who is doing the fait du complete believes that it is for the other partner’s higher good in the long run and even though they are aware that their decision may potentially upset their partner, the long run outcome will out way the short-term damage or conflict. It is a form of caregiving, where the other partner’s power is being taken away and the partner who is doing the Fait Du Complete is still trying to get something out of what they are doing.

For example, say there is a couple, who we will call Mena and Chad.
Mena suffers from social anxiety and performance anxiety. So on days when she knows they are going to have guests or visitors come over, she spends most of the day stressed and goes through a whole anxiety ridden routine to prepare the home before people would come over.

So one time, Chad decides to give her a break and not tell her that someone was coming over till the last minute, that way she wouldn’t be fretting and going through a whole song and dance to get prepared. Deep down he also thought it was better for him because he found it annoying and distracting that she gets so worked up.

So sure enough, Chad didn’t tell her till 5 minutes before the guest arrived. So sure, Mena saved a day of fret and worry, but now she was shocked, taken off guard, unprepared, angry and felt betrayed. She was eventually able to work on her feet quickly, but she lost trust in Chad which is always a hard thing to regain.

No Choice

The partner doing the fait du complete feels like they have no choice in the matter and that if they told their partner what they were doing that the partner would not allow them to do so, so they are just going to have to do it anyway regardless of the outcome.

In most cases the person doing the Fait Du Complete is convinced that what they need to do is the only possible solution and they cannot see any other way. They also know in their mind that it is nonnegotiable with the other person, so if they want to do this very important thing or decision they are just going to have to do it.

An example would be with a couple we will call Callie and Stu. Stu is a spontaneous person, where as his wife Callie is more organized and cautious.

Stu one day came across the vehicle of his dreams. It was the type of vehicle that you’d only drive in the summer months; they lived in Winnipeg, what is notorious for cold, long winters. The car was also expensive. Stu knew that an impractical and expensive car was not going the get the ok from his wife, but he just had to have it.

They had a tight budget, but had just come into a sum of money from a relative, so Stu went and bought the car, then told Callie afterwards. Needless to say it didn’t go over very well with Callie.

So performing Fait du Complete takes a away the other person’s freedom, choice, sense of security, causes conflict and loss of trust, so is there anything for people can do stop themselves or their partners from using it?

Simple awareness sometimes works all by itself. Sometimes people are just not aware that they are using Fait Du Completes.

Being aware of the effects of using Fait Du Completes. Some people know that they are using it but just don’t understand the effects that it can have such as loss of trust, and preventing freedom and choice of the other person that can result in long term damage to the relationship.

Understand that there are always other choices and creative solutions, than trying to force or hide your intentions. Some solutions can be learning communication, conflict resolution and negotiation skills. If you are in a relationship with someone who is completely against negotiation, you may have to leave and find a partner who is more naturally compatible to your needs and wants or at the very least is open to negotiations.

You and/ or your partner can always draw in and create what you want in your environment by using the Law of Attraction and focusing on what you do want. This is seated in the Abundance Paradigm, where you can have whatever you want through creation versus trying to force or fight your way to what you want in the Competitive Adversarial way.

Having alternatives to Fait Du Completes is always beneficial to any relationship and help prevent any type of conflictual build up over time.

For more information about creating what you want in your relationship check out True Love on Demand at www.trueloveondemand.com. For more information on relationship mastery skills like communication, conflict resolution and negotiations check out Love by Design at www.lovebydesignbook.com.

~ Melody Chase

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