How to allow your partner to have their say

You’re an Expressive, Analytical personality which means you do not like to look bad and you want to be right. You are having an argument with your partner who in one breath is invalidating or at the very least in judgment of your point of view but is wanting you to understand and validate their point of view. They are dominant and persistent too – you feel like spontaneously combusting because you can’t validate your partner because you feel you are justified and right. In lieu of smoking a certain type of plant or developing a disassociative disorder you wonder what are you going to do?

All communication techniques you have seen, learned, tried or read about says that as the receiver you are suppose to “wait your turn” and not take anything personally. You are there to listen to the sender of the communication. However, there are times when every time the sender opens their mouth you want to cut-in and say “Yeah, but-.”

Under normal circumstances you would agree to disagree and back off to your own corners, but this time you are in a heated debate and both of you are determined to be right and justified. Is there anything you can do before the situation ends up like the final scenes of the movie, “War of the Roses?”

Well, let’s step back a bit, and then we will return to the heat of the moment. Under normal circumstances as we mention in our book Love by Design (www.lovebydesignbook.com) the following are common reasons why we want to be right.

WHY PEOPLE NEED TO BE RIGHT.

1) People believe they are protecting their needs and that they have their best interests in mind.

2) If the other person gets the approval of being right, especially if it is acknowledge before themselves, then that must mean that they themselves would have to be wrong.

3) We have grown up in a win-lose society, where everything is colored in a positive or negative way, if someone wins, that means that some one would have to lose and suffer a loss.

Your personality also has an influence as to how important it is for you to be right. For example Driver personalities want things to be done their way in the way they want it -right away. Expressive personalities don’t want to look bad so they will defend themselves if they feel like they are going to look bad and Analytical personalities main need is to be right. (For more information on personalities check out our Love by Design book or signup for our free E course on the Top Ten Compatibilities for Relationship Success at www.lovebydesignbook.com.)

Sometimes we may also have the need to get your point across before listening to your partner because you have unresolved issues relating to not being able to express yourself. For example Rob, (Director of the Centre for Life Management/LMC Relationship Centre and my significant other) has pointed out to me that when I used to interrupt him all the time that this behavior could be traced back to a childhood wound. I grew up in an environment where you were not allowed to argue back, especially with my parents because they were brought up in environments where you were not to argue with their parents. Since I felt safe with Rob, I was trying unconsciously to correct the wound by attempting to say me piece even if it was not a functional way to go about it. Becoming aware of my wound I was able to release the need to do so in most argument opportunities.

Now in a normal argument, a person, such as yourself is at a high enough level of consciousness to recognize how and why you are feeling the way you are feeling and can choose to use a Relationship Mastery Technique to be able to comfortably play out your role as the receiver and patiently wait your turn in order to get your points of view heard.

You understand that in respect to relationships, all because a person has a different perspective or way of approaching life DOES NOT mean that you or they are WRONG.
Given both of your background, genetics, personalities, experiences and beliefs, you are BOTH RIGHT, both of you being RIGHT, doesn’t mean that ONE of you are WRONG.

However, it’s when it is an argument that triggers you into an intense emotional reaction that also makes it extremely hard to hold your analytical side back that then makes you want to “should” and “but” your partner to death.

The following are some tips to help you in a trigger situation.

1) Be Aware That You Are Triggered: If your Expressive need not to look bad and your need for being right is practically jumping out of your body at your partner – you are triggered.

2) Accept That You May Not Be Able to Help Your Partner at This Time: The reality is sometimes we are triggered it is too hard to be able to have a civil conversation or resolve your partner’s issues so you may have to back off and/or leave. If you have a partner who is really dominant and aggressive and does not allow you to take a break you may be in an abusive relationship and you may need to take necessary measures to protect and/or get yourself out of the relationship.

3) Do Something Physical: If your partner does understand that the best thing for you is to step away and you choose to continue the conversation at a later time, go do something physical – the trigger has caused an adrenal fight or flight reaction in your body. Burning it off or “shake it off” as Mariah Carrey would say will help you return to a normal and calmer state and helping to distract your Analytical mind from spinning. It is also good for your body’s overall health and well-being.

4) Understand You Will Get Through This and Let Go: By antagonizing your partner you are just prolonging the agony you are in. Validating your partner will either: 1) Get them to pipe down and get to a state where they can listen to you or 2) If they can’t validate or listen to you by you letting it go the universe will correct your partner for you. It really works. In the moment it’s really hard to believe especially with your Expressive and Analytical sides just wanting to tear a hole in our partner. (So you can stuff your point of view in.) But by letting go the universe prove your point of view for you, if you are correct. The universe was designed to be easy and effortless – we have been taught by society (fed by our ego’s need for a purpose) that we need to fight and prove our points of view. It doesn’t have to be a struggle. I have tons of examples, here are a few:

Rob and I were having a disagreement about how a certain part of the mail system works. For some reason we were both triggered by our intense beliefs that our own point of view were correct. I finally decided to let it go, which brought the argument to a close. The very next day we had a mailman come in as a client and we found out that I was correct.

For our next example the following is a brief overview of our personality system:

At our Centre, we have a Personality Chart that we use, that involves 4 basic personality types that can have 16 variations when the personalities are mixed together. To keep my example simple, the following is a very basic overview of the four main types (For an extensive understanding, check out our Love by Design Book at www.lovebydesingbook.com )

Drivers: Are bottom line aggressive people who like results, tasks, control dominance and authority. They are independent, goal oriented, bossy, and sometimes even rude.

Expressives: Are emotionally based, love people, dominant and friendly, love appreciation, approval, centre stage, change their minds a lot, charming, humorous and fun. They have excellent people skills.

Amiables: Are friendly, like people, not aggressive, tend to promote harmony, safety, security, like to blend in and not make waves, accepting.

Analyticals: Analyticals like to work alone, precise, accurate, have rules, standards and procedures, finicky. Judgmental, critical and sometimes negative.

Rob is Driver, Expressive, Analytical and I’m an Amiable, Analytical. Due to our individual personality combinations, we had different way of approaching people early in our relationship. Rob, since conflict wasn’t a big deal to him, though that approaching people with kindness and being nice was overrated and not really necessary. We had an argument about it because he thought I was just oversensitive and naturally defensive by his comment. I decided to drop it and let go. Ta Da – the next day Rob was at a bookstore and was drawn to a book called “Whale Done” that explained how if people just treated people the way how whales were trained best which was with positive reinforcement that everyone would be happy and productive. Rob soon after reading the book admitted I was right.

Now this just isn’t an opportunity to prove that I’m right all the time. I have an example where Rob too was right. We were going to sell a house we had been living in. Finances were tight so we had to figure out what is the best use of our money to prepare the house. I was like “Rob, we just HAVE to replace the kitchen floor. It’s scraped and curled, and faded and looks really dirty and you can’t clean it.” (It really did look horrible – I swear ((In my opinion)) Rob was like “No, it’s no big deal, no one will notice.” We started and argument, I was loaded with 20 TLC and HGTV shows to back my argument and interrupt Rob with but I decided to drop it. This time Rob was right. Forty showing later (we were private selling it, then switched to a realtor) in all the feedback not 1 person mentioned commented, or noticed the kitchen floor. What a waste of time that would have been if I continued to fight to be right.

So sometimes I have been wrong, the universe doesn’t favor people, it just reveals the truth and was is highest and best for people. So just decide to choose the easy and effortless way and you will stop torturing yourself as well as your partner by going to competitive adversarial route to getting your point across.

Melody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design. She can be reached by email at support@lovebydesign.com

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