Is Your Partner in Constant Need of Attention? (Part 2 OF 4)

YOUR PARTNER MAY BE EXPRESSIVE:

In our Love by Design Book we discuss the four main types of personalities and what the needs are of the different personalities. One of the personality types is what we call an Expressive. Expressive people are emotionally based, love people, dominant and friendly, love appreciation, approval, centre stage, change their minds a lot, and are charming, humorous and fun. They have excellent people skills.

One of the major needs of an Expressive to be the Centre of Attention. It is just naturally who they are and what they need. To another personality, with different needs, and focuses it may be hard for them to understand.

YOU ARE CODEPENDENT SO YOUR PARTNER IS DEPENDENT

Codependency is a condition that results from dysfunctional patterns based on unhealthy relationships. A Codependent person will give to others in hopes that the other people will give them what they want in return.

Because this is a dysfunctional pattern, a codependent person who will usually try to care take people in order to get what they want will often draw in someone who is dependent. The dependent person is unconsciously looking for someone to take care of them and who better than someone who is willing to do so.

So it is a good possibility that if you find that your partner is needy and always in need of attention it may be because they are dependent and you are codependent. Are you doing anything in your relationship that you really don’t want to do or is not authentically you, but you are doing it in hopes to get what you want from the other person by doing it?

For example are you giving in to your partner’s neediness even though you don’t want to, but you are in order prevent a conflict? And each time you do, they just seem to get needier? This may be because you are not being authentic and are resisting your reality and your partner is picking it up even if you are going through the motions of giving them what they want.

YOU MAY HAVE A PATTERN:

As we mentioned under reason number one, you may have a pattern. Likewise or just separately on your own, you may have your own pattern of drawing in needy people or people who are in constant need of attention.

My Mother as an Expressive personality needed attention as a child and her father abandoned the family when she was a young girl. She therefore needed constant attention from the people in her life and I absorbed being on the receiving end of that, so for the rest of my life until I recognized the pattern in my early 30s I was surrounded by people who needed major attention. My nephew who came to live with me when I was growing up, my ex husband, a large portion of my friends, my dog, all of them used dramatic control dramas to stranglehold my attention. Once I finally understood that, I replaced that pattern which I will explain about in Part two.

YOU MAY HAVE A SHADOWSIDE:

For the purposes our this article I will explain Shadowsides as the idea that there are all aspects and energies of people within ourselves There are sides of ourselves that are either not dominant or are repressed and/or there are aspects about ourselves that we think that we cannot love for many different reasons. It is called the Shadowside because it is our hidden side, and also because people are often repressing or denying an aspect of themselves that they see in others. They may also consider it a Shadowside because it appears to be dark or negative to them.

We often will draw in people, places and things into our lives so we can become aware, understand, accept, appreciate and even forgive that aspect of ourselves

So it is not surprising that we often draw in partners that seem opposite to our personalities, or have values or do things that we feel we would never do or ever think of doing. Therefore it is possible if you have drawn in a partner who is need of constant attention then there may be an aspect of yourself that you can cannot accept around needing attention. How do you feel about people who need constant attention?

YOU MAY NOT GIVE YOURSELF ATTENTION

Another area to think about is that often what is going on in your environment is a reflection of what you are thinking internally. So if you partner is in constant need of attention that may be a sign that you are in need of attention. In other words you may not be giving yourself enough attention.

YOU MAY LACK BOUNDARIES:

Since the world is all about balance, if you are not maintaining your own boundaries, for example if you are being passive, a gap or an unbalance is created, and the gap or unbalance will be filled by someone who is aggressive or is either unconsciously or consciously trying to invade another person’s boundaries, so the passive person and aggressive person will fit hand and glove.

In a similar fashion, if a person who is really needs or strives for attention and is seated in the Competitive Adversarial Paradigm they will go out and try to force others to give them what they want, in other words they are being aggressive. If you are being passive or not maintaining your own boundaries they are going to be at you like a metal to a magnet and if you give them what they want, they will continue to do so because they know that they can get away with it with little resistance.

YOU MAY NOT BE FULLY IN THE MOMENT:

If you say you are giving your partner the attention that they want and yet they still seem to need more this may be because you are resisting giving it to them. If you are resisting giving it to them you are resisting you present moment, therefore you are not fully present in the moment. Your partner will pick this up and feel unfulfilled even if you are in fact giving them the attention they want.

Next time we will continue with Part Three – Action, suggestions on how to work with and embrace a partner who is in constant need of attention.

To be continued…

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