How to Be an Active Listener

The following is an article on how you can be an active listener. For the purposes of this article by active listener I mean being a sounding board or a witness to the other person’s experiences. There may be a bit of validation or emotional empathy involved, but the main focus is just listening actively to your partner, and of course not offering suggestions or solutions.

So the following are what we would recommend:

1) Know who you are working with:

Although your main purpose is to purely be listening to your partner, you want to know what little clues you can communicate to your partner that that you care and that you are actively listening depending upon their communication mode. Before I give an example, the following is a brief overview of the four main types of communication modes.

Communication is the result you get. Different people are on different channels. We learn, we express love and communicate through different modes or combinations of modes. The following is a very basic definition of the Communication modes. You and your partner can be primarily one mode or a mixture of up to all four.

Visual people communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things.

Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you.

Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood.

Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. They move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activities and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched.

So an example of knowing who you are working with or listening to, a Visual would like to be able to see you when they are talking to you, and if you are walking or doing something together, do it in unison as you are listening and they are talking. Of course eye contact is important with all communication modes, but Visuals will really be looking for the eye contact. If you are uncomfortable about eye contact you can look slightly above their eyes at their eyebrows, just remember to blink regularly so it doesn’t look like you are staring off into space. Nodding is another good indication that you are listening, but it’s important to not to overdo it with the nodding.

I remember when I was taking my Applied Counselling courses, I was playing back a videotape recorded session of myself listening to my “client”. Back then I really didn’t have much of a clue how to comfortably look like I was listening to the other person, so I was nodding so much I looked like one of those bobblehead dolls.

For an Auditory, nodding doesn’t go over well, they really need to hear that you are listening, so even if it’s just “uh hums”, they need to be auditorily reinforced that you are listening. You don’t even have to be in the same room, just as long as you are giving verbal cues.

For Digitals, you need to throw in the occasional I know what you mean, I understand or I get it in order for them to feel like you are connected and understand what they are taking about.

For Kinesthetics they may need to be touched in whichever way they like to be touched, a hand on the shoulder, holding their hand, stroking their back or just a light touch on the hand on occasion. If they are really Kinesthetic they may already be seeking you out to touch anyway, so in that case, make sure to embrace their touch. I.E. If they reach for your hand or ask for a hug.

2) KEEPING YOUR REPONSES SHORT- “Um-hums”, “yeahs”, and “ohs” are your best friend:

In a good conversation, the Sender or communicator would be talking for 90% of the time and the listener or Receiver is talking 10%. A really good active listener can talk even less than 10% while having the Sender feel really satisfied and listened to.

So the occasional, “um-hums”, “oh”, “really?” goes a long way. If the occasion comes up when you do need to empathize keep it short like “Oh you must have felt really scared or that must have been horrible for you to be stuck with that rude person on the bus.” Also have a good vocabulary of emotion or feelings ready on hand. As well, keep the topic on the person, versus using the opportunity to switch the conversation onto you like “that must have been horrible for you, there was this time when something like that happened to me on the bus and ….”

This goes the same for if they ask you a question in the middle of the story like “do you get what I mean or do you understand?” First choice just answer enthusiastically is “Yes, I totally know what you mean or yes I really understand versus yes I totally know what you mean, one time at bank camp I…”. If they insist on finding out if you understand briefly feedback what you know or give a simple example like I know what you mean I had a rude man sit beside me on the bus last week.

Another way to make it sound like you are listening is give an example of how you understand the Sender by giving an example of a similar example starring the Sender such as “Yeah I know what you mean, it was just like that other time you got stuck on the bus with a rude person.”

3) PARROT:

In our 4 step communication technique, our first step is for the Receiver to Parrot what the Sender is saying such as “Oh, so you were stuck on the bus with a rude man”, do not over do it, but you would be amazed as to how people really believe you are listening just by repeating what they say. Since you are being a sounding board, in most occasions you will not be required to take what they are saying to a deeper level, only attempt it if they are asking and even then, keep it short.

4) GET THEM TO KEEP GOING WITH THEIR STORY:

Say things like “Really, then what happened?” “Go on,” or “what happened next?” Nothing sounds more like an active listener, then someone who encourages the person to continue with their story.

On the other hand, do not initiate questions relating to specific detail of the situation because this may actually put the person off from what they were trying to get out. Only if you get a gut feeling that this will enhance their storytelling experience should you ask for specific details.

5) DON’T FINISH THEIR SENTENCE UNLESS YOU ARE 100% SURE THAT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO SAY:

Even though your intention is to show you understand and are with them in their story, if you fill in their sentence with the wrong ending, it only frustrates the Sender and puts them off what they were saying. So only finish their sentences if you are really in tune with them.

6) MAKE A CHOICE TO LISTEN TO THEM:

I once went to a get together at a friend’s house where I met a friend of my friend. My friend’s friend asked me what I did for a living. At that time I was so used to being with people who weren’t really interested in what I had to say, I would try to rush through my story in hopes to get everything out. This woman was different right off the bat. She was totally in the moment and was totally there and ready to hear my story.

I realize now the difference was that this person was in the moment and ready to hear me. I felt like I had all the time in the world and felt really special because I didn’t have to worry that she was just going to get up and walk away or cut me off or ask me to speed up the story.

I realize that she had made a choice that she was going to listen, staying in the moment and not be in resistance to her circumstances. What I gift that was to me. I had always appreciated enthusiasm from people if they would get into the same level of cadence and enthusiasm as me, but in addition this person gave me to the gift of time, patience and her presence. I will never ever forget that time it was such a wonderful experience and contrast to how most people choose to listen.

So if you are not up to listening to someone, either remove yourself until you are ready or just choose to take a moment and be in the moment and not in resistance to your reality. The Sender will totally pick up on the difference and even if they are only talking for 2 minutes, the Sender will feel like they have centre stage for hours because it’s just that powerful.

7) MATCH ENTHUSIASM:

Matching enthusiasm, without being sarcastic, just makes it fun for the Sender and helps to build to creation of their story and I know this may sound cheesy, but as a the listener you may just get caught up in the fun yourself.

So there you have it, even just trying one of the above suggestions can make you a professional active listener and give your partner a wonderful gift of your time, attention and connection.

Authentic Relationship And Marriage Counseling Would you like to KEEP Him or Her for life? Get ALL the answers in here! Disocver how you can bring NEW PASSION to a long time relationship, heal a broken heart, or even BREAK DOWN barriers that are keeping you and your partner apart! My strategies have been used successfully by people in the REAL WORLD, people who are facing REAL LIFE challenges just like you! Find out how we have helped thousands of couples and individuals find and keep their relationships. Click Here!

Relationship Mastery Online! Summary of our works, research and our passion! Click here for your Relationshpi Mastery today!

Make Your Dream Comes True! FREE magical eBook has changed thousands of lives all over the world! Download your free copy and get what you want in life the easy and magical WAY!