Are You An Indirect Feelings Communicator?

In our Love by Design book (www.lovebydesignbook.com) we touch on the topic of indirect communication and how some people chose or have learned that by trying to communicate indirectly may help prevent getting a negative reaction from the person they are communicating with.

We explained in the book that indirect communication was not a functional form of communication because more often than not the person who you are talking to will either not pick up or will misinterpret what you are trying to say which could lead to further conflict anyway as either you or your partner will become frustrated from the miscommunication.

A specific area that a person may use indirect communication is in the area of feelings and expressing feelings. Rob, Director/ Head Counsellor of the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre said he has noticed that many people who come in for counselling will send copious amounts of time rehashing or describing situations that they have had with their partner but never would discuss how they feel.

What ends up happening is they spend a lot of time saying nothing, hoping at some level that their partner will pick up on how they are feeling. However, most people do not have the natural ability or the training to be able to read between the lines or practice a deeper level of listening.

The following are some of the reasons why people are hesitant to describe how they feel:

Are not aware that they are using indirect communication.

Believe that if they describe a situation people will understand how they feel without stating it.

They are afraid of the reactions of the people they are talking to if they directly explained how they feel.

May feel vulnerable or others will think they are weak or emotional if they openly admit how they feel.

May be emotionally shutdown and they can only describe how they feel through events rather than through feelings.

Have been taught by others that there is no benefit to expressing how they feel.

Have been punished for showing emotions.

For people who are afraid of the reactions of others, often these people are highly sensitive or has had traumatic experiences (usually from early childhood or what we call childhood wounds) so they are very hesitant to directly say how they are feeling.

People who are indirect feeling communicators may also have issues about reactive people so they will draw in people who are reactive, so it is a genuine conflictual situation when they are trying to express their feelings.

Also if the person who is the indirect feelings communicator, is emotionally shutdown themselves (usually because of childhood wounds or because of learned behavior for examples coming from a emotionally shutdown family environment) you may draw in a partner who is emotionally shutdown and cannot handle emotions themselves or only know how to invalidate versus validate, again causing the original communicator to hesitate to express their feelings.

The following then are some suggestions for breaking the indirect communication habit.

1) Awareness: Sometimes simply being aware or simple awareness is all you need to make the switch. So when you being to tell a story, you can think oh yeah and just saying what you are feeling instead.

2) Using I Feel Statements and Conflict Resolution Techniques: may help in certain situations. Other people are able to handle people’s expressions of feelings and emotions when they are stated in ways where nothing is taken personal and the communicator is owning their own feelings.

3) Find Out What You Are Afraid Of and Heal and Resolve The Reason: It is important to find healing techniques or ways to heal your wounds. By doing this it allows you your freedom to make a decision in the present that isn’t based or influenced by the past.

4) Accept the Reality That There Are Reactive People In The World: It is also important to accept reality that there are reactive people in the world since, that way what you resist won’t persist then you can create what you want by focusing on what you do want.

5) Accept Your Own Feelings: Lastly, it is also important to accept you own feelings and emotions, and realize it is important and that it is your own right to express your feelings. That way since we attract others at the same level of vibration that we are vibrating at, if you accept your own feelings and emotions you will draw in others who will support and accept your feelings. You will then feel supported when you do directly communicate your feelings.

So directly expressing your feelings may seem like just a small area in the relationship as a whole, but in fact directly expressing your feelings is an important piece of a functional, healthy relationship.

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