WHY ARE PEOPLE TEMPTED TO CHEAT?
The Inside Scoop Into the Mind of Those Who Stray!

If you know someone who is contemplating cheating on his or her mate, or even if you find yourself tempted, the following is an article to help you understand what is going on.

We all know the potential consequences of cheating on your mate, including the potential of wrecking the trust in your relationship, which is more of an important foundation to a successful relationship than people may think. So before people decide go through with an affair, a good question for them to ask themselves is why are they being tempted? More specifically, I am doing this because:

1) I am not with my soul mate (or my highest and best relationship) whereas the new person in my life is; or

2) I am just missing certain needs in my life that I am either consciously or unconsciously trying to seek out and fulfill, which, if either myself or my present partner was just aware of, we would be okay.

In either case, if the person you know or yourself is being tempted, it is a sure sign that there are needs that are not being met.

So how does one tell if you are searching for your real soul mate or whether it is just relationship mastery that is needed in your current relationship? You owe it to both your soul and your present partner to find out before your life potentially becomes a lot more complicated.

There are books out there such as our book Love by Design (www.lovebydesignbook.com) where the purpose is to do exactly that; to find out if you are in your highest and best relationship, and whether the conflict or lack of fulfillment of needs is due to missing relationship mastery skills, or due to the fact you are truly not authentically designed to get your needs met with your present partner.

In a highest and best relationship, the majority of the relationship foundations align with each other. A foundation is a basic that, without it, puts the relationship in jeopardy. In our Love by Design book we cover all the relationship foundations and compatibilities.

As well, our free 10 Ten Compatibilities for a Successful Relationship Course can found on our Love by Design Website. Examples of foundations include: Personalities, Communication Modes, Character, Chemistry, Values and Visions. Grab it if you have not yet done so, the E-courses we are offering in there is a $97 Value!

The more foundations a couple has in common, the stronger the relationship or foundation. Your love by design relationship will be highest and best when the entire foundation is completely or almost rock solid.

There are also some foundations that support more weight than others. Consider these foundations like the piles or the retaining walls of a house. They have enough power to almost topple the walls, too. Values and Visions are two such important foundations.

Values can be described as something that is important to you. It is something that you are willing to focus on, and put attention and time into in order to maintain. The description seems simple and harmless enough, but Values can be a major foundation support or block.

Our ideas and beliefs about the relative worth of things in our lives are called Values. They are not facts, but choices we have made as we matured. When our actions match our Values, we experience emotional balance; when they don’t match, we feel frustrated and experience emotional imbalance.

Our Values play an integral part in determining the compatibility and success of our relationships. Values are the glue that holds people together. Lack of compatible Values can be the undoing of a relationship.

A Vision is what a person targets as a focus and future goal to move towards. It can be a way of life, a specific goal, a time line or anything that moves a person towards something and causes a person to focus concentrated energy on it.

A Vision is important for a couple to have a North Star that they are both heading for in a relationship. If a couple is unaware of each other’s Vision or if they have different Visions that they are not aware of, this will cause a lot of “power struggles” in the relationship. The hidden power struggles will come across as very confusing and frustrating for the couple, because neither of them will understand why or even be aware they are in a powerful struggle - but they will sure feel it.

Both Values and Visions have a major impact on what we call the foundation of a relationship.

How do Values and Visions contribute to affairs? Examples of this in action is where one person‘s top Value is relationship centredness, which means that a one-on-one relationship is front and centre and is where all their energy is.

If the relationship centred person is with a partner who is not relationship centred at all, and say, for example, their partner is work and friendship centred, if the second partner’s first priority and energy is centred on work and their own friends, the first partner begins to fill very lonely, empty and unfulfilled. Eventually partner #1 begins to look for other people to have an intimate one-on-one relationship. Does that sound like anyone you know?

For values, some negotiation can be developed if values are closer in alignment in their hierarchy of importance, but if they are far apart or not the same at all, as in the example of above, there is too much power struggle and needs not being met. One cannot change their values for another person and be authentically happy; therefore, this is an example of a relationship that is not in a highest and best relationship.

An example of vision would be Angela Jolie and Brad Pitt.

Both Angela Jolie and Brad Pitt have the same vision of saving the world and making a difference in the world. They are both prepared to do what that takes, including traveling all over the world, and potentially putting themselves in dangerous situations. If either one of them had a different vision, such as having a low key 9:00 to 5:00 job and relaxing on the weekends, they would not be able to have a relationship. I don't have the slightest idea what happened between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston; however, I can guarantee at least two things.
1) Certain needs were not being met in their marriage that caused Brad to become tempted by Angela Jolie (not that I am saying they had an affair, just that at the very least he was attracted enough by Angela Jolie to start a relationship right away versus playing the field first); and, 2) Brad was definitely drawn to Angela Jolie at least in the area of sharing the same vision.

Now, an example of Relationship mastery: Relationship Mastery would be where a couple for the most part is compatible and may be in their highest and best relationship. However, there are basic relationship skills or ways of relating to each other that are preventing each other from getting their needs met, and that is causing conflict. Sometimes the lack of relationship mastery actually prevents a couple from finding out if they are compatible are not. In our Love by Design book we go over communication skills and exercises like conflict resolution or negotiation skills, as well as the Seven Principles of Relationship Success. There are also some compatibility foundations that can go under Relationship Mastery that are fixable through training. For example, the following are the foundation known as Communication Modes:

Communication is the result you get. Different people are on different channels. We learn, we express love and communicate through different modes or combinations of modes. It is important to know who you are playing with, what channel they are playing on or else your communication will not be very effective.

We basically all want to get what we want. If you cannot get your message through of what are your needs, wants, dreams, goals and visions, you will be very frustrated and stressed. You will feel very empty if you cannot communicate the love you have, to give the love you want, so an understanding of communication mode love strategies is a basic skill for relationship success.

The following is a very basic definition of the Communication modes. You and your partner can be primarily one mode or a mixture of up to all four.

Visual people communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things.

Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words “I love you.”

Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood.

Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. They move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activities and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched.

Someone who is a Visual can be taught how to communicate with a Kinesthetic. For example, often a Kinesthetic person may feel unloved because the Visual is not into being touchy-feely and/or does not know where the Kinesthetic person likes to be touched or feel loved. (Not necessarily in a sexual way; for example, I love to be hugged and have my hand held in order to feel loved.) If a Kinesthetic person is touch deprived enough they will unconsciously or consciously start seeking out another person in order to feel loved again in their communication mode, even if the Visual person they are with is "showing" them in every which way they can that they love them.

For example, the Visual's way of receiving love is people doing things for them, buying them things, being with them and doing things with them. If they are unaware of the other communication modes, they will automatically assume that the way they receive love is how they give love to their partner. However, the other partner, in this case who is Kinesthetic, not Visual, is not receiving or picking up the love.

The good news here is that both partners, if they are open to learning and giving, can learn how to give and be aware of the other’s communication modes. The bonus is often little things that don't cause a lot of power struggle or being inauthentic for most people. For example, the Visual one will becoming aware of the Kinesthetic communication mode, asks how the Kinesthetic person feels loved.

Let's use me as an example. I tell the Visual I feel love when they hold my hand or give me hugs. The Visual now holds my hand and gives me hugs, and now I feel complete and loved, as long there are not a whole lot of other foundation incompatibilities. As simple as it sounds, this relationship mastery skill may the only thing that preventing your needs from being met in the relationship.

The only case where this may not work is if a Visual is with a Digital, because it is hard for Visuals to "connect" with Digitals because the Visual's brain is hardwired differently. For more detailed information about communication modes, including how to test for them, check out our book at www.lovebydesignbook.com.

Finally, in our Love by Design book, we also go over the importance of knowing whether you are in your highest and best relationship.

It is more beneficial to know the truth, even if that means that you and your present partner need to part ways. In our book we emphasize that the world is an abundant world and that there is the highest and best partner out there for both of you if you discover you are not compatible.

In any case, being aware and authentic with yourself and your present partner is a higher path to go rather than remaining in denial or pursing another person while you are with your present partner without at least understanding why you are doing what you are doing.

The truth of whether you are the highest and best for each other is waiting for you to discover. You have the opportunity to part ways with your current partner in peace and love if that is what is needed, or to gain the skills that are needed to expand your current relationship without having to go down the complicated and often painful route of the affair.

Melody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design. She can be reached by email at msmelody@shaw.ca or support@lovebydesign.com.

You can go to her site at www.lovebydesignbook.com, or to learn more about us and our research, visit RelationshipMasteryOnline.com.

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