Lost That Loving Feeling – and have no idea why?

I often wondered what made Jessica Simpson decide to break up with Nick Lachey. Sure, Rob (Director/ Head Counsellor of the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and my significant other) had been predicting their break up from when he first started watching their reality TV show and I was in agreement because I could feel their incompatibility. I missed however any information as to why they actually or officially broke up.

Then just recently, I finally had my answer. Jessica was having an interview with one of the nighttime entertainment shows where she explained that the reason why she left Nick was that she just felt like there was something missing and that there was something more out there for her.

Wow, I thought, someone who actually listened to her feelings and her intuition. This was backed up in one of Nick’s new songs where he was singing that he wished her the best in finding what it is that she is looking for.

The actress who was famous for asking if Chicken of the Sea was chicken has crossed to opposite side of the spectrum and showed a side of herself that was wise way beyond her years.

Many of us end up in relationships where we find ourselves no longer having that loving feeling and even more have that feeling of being unsettled and that something isn’t quite right, there is something missing.

Most people don’t listen to these feelings, masking or avoiding or distracting themselves from how they truly feel. Other people push head on to getting to the bottom of things and seek out ways to “fix their problem”. Others just sort of sit in a state of awe, curiosity and confusion as to where did their love and visions of the spending the rest of their lives with this person go?

So where did the loving feelings go?

The following are some possibilities:

COURTSHIP PHASE

In our Love by Design Book we talk about the courtship phase in the relationship. For our definition courtship phase is the stage in a relationship were both partners in the relationship do whatever it takes to get the person to fall in love with them and continue to love them until their relationship is taken to the next level of security. Security means different things for each individual. Some people consider getting married as the point where they feel secure that they will not lose their partner, other people feel the engagement is safe enough or just moving in together or for some even just going steady or meeting the parents.

During this courtship phase the partners, usually at an unconscious level will do whatever it takes to woo the other partner and give them whatever they need in the relationship to keep them and show them that they are the highest and best partner for them.

The fuel to keep their courting is incredible it like the old Hercules cartoon when Hercules puts on his special ring or when Popeye eats his spinach; people have superpowers when they are in the courtship phase. For example, people who do not tend to go out to movies or give gifts, tend to do these things. Those who tend not to do understand are very understanding in the beginning. Even those who tend not to be huggy or touchy freely people become very touchy feely whereas when they are actually in their natural state they are aloof, cool and don’t like physical contact.

The landing or securing of the mate often signifies the ending of the series of courtship behaviors that both partners were expressing up until that time. For example that person who normally is not talkative goes back to their non-talkative state. The non touchy freely person returns to their more aloof self, and the person who all their life was totally friendship centered, but dropped all their friends to focus one on one with you, is now going out every second night with their buddies.

Sometimes the changes are not that noticeable and the partners are close enough in the natural state compatibility wise that they relationship is fine. For couples that are not compatible the differences will begin to show over time. For others it’s instant like a splash of cold water. For these people they are asking questions like “Who is this person? Where did that romantic, attentive person go? I didn’t sign up for this? Look I have proof, that my partner is romantic, here are the love letters they wrote to me 6 months ago!”

If the changes aren’t noticeable right away, eventually the relationship will grind to a halt if the partners are not compatible because the partners are not getting their needs, wants and requirements fulfilled and there isn’t a free flow of energy circulating in the relationship. It is this inertia of energy that feels like you have lost that loving feeling.

GREAT DIVIDERS OF LOVE

In our Love by Design Book, we talk also talk about the Great Dividers of Love which are built up emotions in a relationship that cause a separation of love. These emotions are caused by the accumulation of experiences such as revenge or judgment, loss of respect, loss of trust, and disappointment resulting in closed, numb and frozen hearts, that make it harder and harder to love and relate with your partner whether your compatible or not.

If you have experienced any of the above Dividers of Love you may have a build up of emotions which of course make it hard if not impossible to feel love for your partner like you once did.

YOUR INTUITION MAY BE TELLING YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT IN YOUR HIGHEST AND BEST RELATIONSHIP

Aside from getting caught up in the courtship phase, we also often get a gut feeling or a knowing that there is something not quite right with the relationship but we ignore this feeling, usually because we haven’t been trained to recognize our intuition, we have been taught not to trust our feelings or discouraged from listening to our feelings because they are illogical.

Then of course some people are afraid of conflict, hurting someone’s feelings and are afraid of the social pressure of family, friends, their religion and society especially if you are already engaged or been with each other’s for a long time. So you ignore or bury that feeling.

However, if you are not in your highest and best relationship, those feelings will begin to resurface again or if you have learned what you need to learn in your current relationship and it is time to continue on into another relationship you will be begin to get these feelings for the first time. The following are what some of the feelings will feel like:

- The relationship feels stale.
- You feel unsettled.
- You are asking is that all there is?
- You feel that something is missing.
- You are daydreaming about your perfect mate.
- Something just doesn’t feel right; something feels off although you can’t put a finger on it.
- Both you and your partner can’t seem to get ahead in any area of life.

So whether Jessica’s decision to leave Nick was because she wasn’t in the highest and best relationship or because she had learned what she needed to learn and/or experienced what she needed to experience, it is safe say that she was a perfect role model of someone who trusted, listened to and valued the wisdom of her feelings.

Authentic Relationship And Marriage Counseling Would you like to KEEP Him or Her for life? Get ALL the answers in here! Disocver how you can bring NEW PASSION to a long time relationship, heal a broken heart, or even BREAK DOWN barriers that are keeping you and your partner apart! My strategies have been used successfully by people in the REAL WORLD, people who are facing REAL LIFE challenges just like you! Find out how we have helped thousands of couples and individuals find and keep their relationships. Click Here!

Relationship Mastery Online! Summary of our works, research and our passion! Click here for your Relationshpi Mastery today!

Make Your Dream Comes True! FREE magical eBook has changed thousands of lives all over the world! Download your free copy and get what you want in life the easy and magical WAY!

How To Draw In Someone Who Is Totally Into You

Have ever wished that you could find someone who is just totally into you, finds everything you do fascinating and is interested in all things your are?

Sounds too good to be true? Don’t worry; if that is what you want, that is what you can have.

In many of our books and articles we talk about the Law of Attraction that says what you focus on expands and as well as like attracts like, therefore if you love yourself and find yourself interesting and fascinating, then you can and will draw in people who love you, find you interesting and fascinating. In order words, if you are totally in to you, you will attract others will be totally into you too.

Since you are a unique individual, you have to decide what is important to you, but to give you some ideas, the following are some tips as some of the areas that you can focus and choose to love yourself in:

Respect Yourself: In any relationship, respect is needed in order to have a functional relationship and in order for anyone else including your partner to be able to respect you, you have to be able to respect yourself.

Find Yourself Interesting: You would be amazed how if you find yourself interesting other people will pickup on your enthusiasm and find you interesting as well, even if you are not verbally expressing what it is that you are finding interesting about yourself. Best of all, if you want to find someone who has the same interests as you, this is the way to do it.

Fall In Love With Yourself: Remember when you first fall in love with someone the magic in the air, the wonderful energy you feel and the how you feel so whole and perfect because someone is in love with you and loves you for who you are? Well you can recapture and maintain the state of bliss if you fall in love with yourself. So when you attract someone into your life who loves you because you love yourself it is like icing on the cake.

Admire Yourself: If you ever watch and listen to a person talk about their partner who they admire you can hear and see their amazement and sense of wonder like their partner is greatest hero who they happen to be in love with? What a perfect stage for an expansive and supportive relationship if you can draw in someone into your life who admires you. What is they best way to do that? Admire yourself of course.

Take Care of Yourself: If you make the time and the decision to take care of yourself whether that is healthwise emotionally, psychologically or spiritually, this will set to the tone for when you draw in the person of their dreams. If you decide to take care of yourself you will draw in someone who supports and understand the importance of you taking caring of yourself.

These are just but for few examples, the important thing is that by focusing on yourself you at the very least will be a healthy person who loves and takes care of yourself and with the Law of Attraction set in play, you will also draw in a partner who is not only is the love of your life but also loves to be in your life.

Authentic Relationship And Marriage Counseling Would you like to KEEP Him or Her for life? Get ALL the answers in here! Disocver how you can bring NEW PASSION to a long time relationship, heal a broken heart, or even BREAK DOWN barriers that are keeping you and your partner apart! My strategies have been used successfully by people in the REAL WORLD, people who are facing REAL LIFE challenges just like you! Find out how we have helped thousands of couples and individuals find and keep their relationships. Click Here!

Relationship Mastery Online! Summary of our works, research and our passion! Click here for your Relationshpi Mastery today!

Make Your Dream Comes True! FREE magical eBook has changed thousands of lives all over the world! Download your free copy and get what you want in life the easy and magical WAY!

How to Be an Active Listener

The following is an article on how you can be an active listener. For the purposes of this article by active listener I mean being a sounding board or a witness to the other person’s experiences. There may be a bit of validation or emotional empathy involved, but the main focus is just listening actively to your partner, and of course not offering suggestions or solutions.

So the following are what we would recommend:

1) Know who you are working with:

Although your main purpose is to purely be listening to your partner, you want to know what little clues you can communicate to your partner that that you care and that you are actively listening depending upon their communication mode. Before I give an example, the following is a brief overview of the four main types of communication modes.

Communication is the result you get. Different people are on different channels. We learn, we express love and communicate through different modes or combinations of modes. The following is a very basic definition of the Communication modes. You and your partner can be primarily one mode or a mixture of up to all four.

Visual people communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things.

Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you.

Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood.

Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. They move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activities and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched.

So an example of knowing who you are working with or listening to, a Visual would like to be able to see you when they are talking to you, and if you are walking or doing something together, do it in unison as you are listening and they are talking. Of course eye contact is important with all communication modes, but Visuals will really be looking for the eye contact. If you are uncomfortable about eye contact you can look slightly above their eyes at their eyebrows, just remember to blink regularly so it doesn’t look like you are staring off into space. Nodding is another good indication that you are listening, but it’s important to not to overdo it with the nodding.

I remember when I was taking my Applied Counselling courses, I was playing back a videotape recorded session of myself listening to my “client”. Back then I really didn’t have much of a clue how to comfortably look like I was listening to the other person, so I was nodding so much I looked like one of those bobblehead dolls.

For an Auditory, nodding doesn’t go over well, they really need to hear that you are listening, so even if it’s just “uh hums”, they need to be auditorily reinforced that you are listening. You don’t even have to be in the same room, just as long as you are giving verbal cues.

For Digitals, you need to throw in the occasional I know what you mean, I understand or I get it in order for them to feel like you are connected and understand what they are taking about.

For Kinesthetics they may need to be touched in whichever way they like to be touched, a hand on the shoulder, holding their hand, stroking their back or just a light touch on the hand on occasion. If they are really Kinesthetic they may already be seeking you out to touch anyway, so in that case, make sure to embrace their touch. I.E. If they reach for your hand or ask for a hug.

2) KEEPING YOUR REPONSES SHORT- “Um-hums”, “yeahs”, and “ohs” are your best friend:

In a good conversation, the Sender or communicator would be talking for 90% of the time and the listener or Receiver is talking 10%. A really good active listener can talk even less than 10% while having the Sender feel really satisfied and listened to.

So the occasional, “um-hums”, “oh”, “really?” goes a long way. If the occasion comes up when you do need to empathize keep it short like “Oh you must have felt really scared or that must have been horrible for you to be stuck with that rude person on the bus.” Also have a good vocabulary of emotion or feelings ready on hand. As well, keep the topic on the person, versus using the opportunity to switch the conversation onto you like “that must have been horrible for you, there was this time when something like that happened to me on the bus and ….”

This goes the same for if they ask you a question in the middle of the story like “do you get what I mean or do you understand?” First choice just answer enthusiastically is “Yes, I totally know what you mean or yes I really understand versus yes I totally know what you mean, one time at bank camp I…”. If they insist on finding out if you understand briefly feedback what you know or give a simple example like I know what you mean I had a rude man sit beside me on the bus last week.

Another way to make it sound like you are listening is give an example of how you understand the Sender by giving an example of a similar example starring the Sender such as “Yeah I know what you mean, it was just like that other time you got stuck on the bus with a rude person.”

3) PARROT:

In our 4 step communication technique, our first step is for the Receiver to Parrot what the Sender is saying such as “Oh, so you were stuck on the bus with a rude man”, do not over do it, but you would be amazed as to how people really believe you are listening just by repeating what they say. Since you are being a sounding board, in most occasions you will not be required to take what they are saying to a deeper level, only attempt it if they are asking and even then, keep it short.

4) GET THEM TO KEEP GOING WITH THEIR STORY:

Say things like “Really, then what happened?” “Go on,” or “what happened next?” Nothing sounds more like an active listener, then someone who encourages the person to continue with their story.

On the other hand, do not initiate questions relating to specific detail of the situation because this may actually put the person off from what they were trying to get out. Only if you get a gut feeling that this will enhance their storytelling experience should you ask for specific details.

5) DON’T FINISH THEIR SENTENCE UNLESS YOU ARE 100% SURE THAT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO SAY:

Even though your intention is to show you understand and are with them in their story, if you fill in their sentence with the wrong ending, it only frustrates the Sender and puts them off what they were saying. So only finish their sentences if you are really in tune with them.

6) MAKE A CHOICE TO LISTEN TO THEM:

I once went to a get together at a friend’s house where I met a friend of my friend. My friend’s friend asked me what I did for a living. At that time I was so used to being with people who weren’t really interested in what I had to say, I would try to rush through my story in hopes to get everything out. This woman was different right off the bat. She was totally in the moment and was totally there and ready to hear my story.

I realize now the difference was that this person was in the moment and ready to hear me. I felt like I had all the time in the world and felt really special because I didn’t have to worry that she was just going to get up and walk away or cut me off or ask me to speed up the story.

I realize that she had made a choice that she was going to listen, staying in the moment and not be in resistance to her circumstances. What I gift that was to me. I had always appreciated enthusiasm from people if they would get into the same level of cadence and enthusiasm as me, but in addition this person gave me to the gift of time, patience and her presence. I will never ever forget that time it was such a wonderful experience and contrast to how most people choose to listen.

So if you are not up to listening to someone, either remove yourself until you are ready or just choose to take a moment and be in the moment and not in resistance to your reality. The Sender will totally pick up on the difference and even if they are only talking for 2 minutes, the Sender will feel like they have centre stage for hours because it’s just that powerful.

7) MATCH ENTHUSIASM:

Matching enthusiasm, without being sarcastic, just makes it fun for the Sender and helps to build to creation of their story and I know this may sound cheesy, but as a the listener you may just get caught up in the fun yourself.

So there you have it, even just trying one of the above suggestions can make you a professional active listener and give your partner a wonderful gift of your time, attention and connection.

Authentic Relationship And Marriage Counseling Would you like to KEEP Him or Her for life? Get ALL the answers in here! Disocver how you can bring NEW PASSION to a long time relationship, heal a broken heart, or even BREAK DOWN barriers that are keeping you and your partner apart! My strategies have been used successfully by people in the REAL WORLD, people who are facing REAL LIFE challenges just like you! Find out how we have helped thousands of couples and individuals find and keep their relationships. Click Here!

Relationship Mastery Online! Summary of our works, research and our passion! Click here for your Relationshpi Mastery today!

Make Your Dream Comes True! FREE magical eBook has changed thousands of lives all over the world! Download your free copy and get what you want in life the easy and magical WAY!

Hope Versus Creating The Relationship of Your Dreams – Which is the highest and best way to get what you want in your relationship?

I was talking to Tanis, a fellow Counsellor about how she used to try to influence her husband in order to get what she wanted in a relationship. Of course, she was in the Competitive Adveriseral Paradigm at the time and she was under the impression that if you kept forcing what you on someone repeatedly, they will eventually get it.

In her situation that approach didn’t work for a variety of reasons from the fact that they had different communication modes that they were not aware of to missing basic relationship mastery skills such communication techniques and because the two of them had not established that there any problems that they were aware of or agreed to.

The result was Tanis ended up spending a lot of time nagging, repeating herself and having arguments to get what she wanted across which just increased their relationship problems.

So that got me thinking, how did I try to get my way back when I was still married to my first husband? I didn’t really remember having a lot of arguments or nagging him. So what was my Competitive Adversial technique?

I then remembered that I actually used a form of codependency were I was nice, easy going and allowed him to do what he wanted in most situations, and then just hoped that he would give me what I wanted. However, that never occurred and I just continued to lose in two ways 1) that I wasn’t getting what I wanted, and 2) I was getting even more of what I didn’t want by agreeing to do whatever my husband wanted.

So in the present day, I understand that if I didn’t tell him what I wanted, no wonder why he didn’t comply, after all he wasn’t a mind reader. Yet, would I have really got what I wanted? After all Tanis told her husband over and over what she wanted and she didn’t get what she wanted, so then what is the true answer?

I decided to ask Rob (Director/ Head Counsellor of the LMC Relationship Centre and my significant other), as Rob would explain it would be that you have to create the relationship of your dreams and develop the relationship mastery to support your creation.

Upon having this discussion with Rob, I had to ask him about hope. I explained to him that I had hope that my husband would do what I wanted, how was it different that creating the relationship of my dreams?

Rob explained that hope was a useless emotion because you release your power to an outside source, versus taking responsibility, being aware and making a choice to create what you want. Hope is like throwing a penny in a wishing well versus using your own creative power to create what you want.

In many of our articles and books we talk about the Law of Attraction and that you have the power to create your reality.

It is this same ability that allows us to be able to create the reality and the relationship that we desire. So instead of trying to force people in your environment to do what you want, try to manipulate indirectly by using codependency techniques or just hoping that you will be taken care of by someone or something outside yourself, you can just draw in people, environments and situations to support what you want.

If the person you are with is your highest and best, then they will shape into what your desire and if not, they will fall away so someone new will enter your life. In either case, creating what you want is a nonconfrontational, gentle enlightening process for everyone involved than trying to force, influence or use codependency techniques.

In the case of Tanis what she decided to do in order to create the relationship she was looking for included:

Finding out who she was and what her highest and best needs are.
Made a decision to create the relationship of her dreams.
Gave herself permission to have what she wanted in the way she wanted.
Finding out who her husband was and being able to understand, accept, forgive and appreciate him for he was in order to create a mutual fulfilling of needs and not in be resistance to who he was.

Developed relationship mastery skills to support her creation.

What then happened was in areas that the two of them were compatible everything fell into place, without having to force her husband and without him having to go through a lot of counselling or personal development.

In areas where Tanis and her husband weren’t compatible, she was able to release and be in nonresistance to those areas and was able to apply relationship mastery skills to assist working with her husband in these areas. As Tanis put it, she went from a relationship where she was only at 30% happiness and compatibility to 90% happiness and compatibility in her relationship.
In my case, I had done the same steps above because I had taken two of Rob’s relationship courses, and in my case, my highest and best relationship was with someone else other than my husband. Going from a powerless position of hope to an empowering position of creation worked out not just for myself, but for Rob, as well as for my ex-husband who was then free to find someone who was not only more compatible with him but is also his soul-mate.

For more information on creating the relationship of your dreams checkout Rob
‘s book called True Love on Demand at www.trueloveondemand.com. For more information of compatibility check out the book Rob and I co-wrote called Love by design at www.lovebydesignbook.com and for more information of relationship mastery skills, check out Rob’s book called Counsellor in Box at www.counsellorinabox.com.

Authentic Relationship And Marriage Counseling Would you like to KEEP Him or Her for life? Get ALL the answers in here! Disocver how you can bring NEW PASSION to a long time relationship, heal a broken heart, or even BREAK DOWN barriers that are keeping you and your partner apart! My strategies have been used successfully by people in the REAL WORLD, people who are facing REAL LIFE challenges just like you! Find out how we have helped thousands of couples and individuals find and keep their relationships. Click Here!

Divorce Help – Divorce Tips Discover how to deal with the pain and trauma of divorce and get useful divorce tips from a relationship expert today! Click Here for Divorce Tips!

Is Your Partner in Constant Need of Attention? (Part 4 OF 4 – Final)

RECOGNIZE THAT YOU HAVE A COMPLIMENTARY PATTERN:

So with the example that I have in Part One, I had a complimentary pattern to people in my life where I would draw people into my life people who need a lot of attention. So I had to recognize the pattern, accept and appreciate the pattern, chose to release and then replace it with a functional pattern. For me I decided to replace the pattern by creating an environment where people are whole and functional who have a strong sense of self love so they do not need to fulfilled by people outside themselves.

Of course some people like Expressives, their natural value is to be the centre of attention, but the difference between a healthy Expressive is that the attention is a want instead of a need and they are still healthy and functional if they do not get it from an outside source. Any attention from others is like icing on the cake not the cake itself.

DO YOU PAY ATTENTION TO YOURSELF?

Take a moment, to check in with yourself. Do you actually pay attention to yourself? It’s not something we normally think about, but we do try to get our own attention. The important thing is to be able to notice the signs. As we mentioned in Part One, we sometimes attract people because it’s a reflection as to what is going on inside.

So a good way to find out if you are paying attention to yourself, is to ask yourself how would you like others to pay attention to you? Then ask yourself do you pay attention to yourself in that same way? For example:

Is it important for people to listen to you? Do you listen to yourself?

Is it important for people to pay attention to how you feel? Do you pay attention to how you feel?

Does paying attention to you mean noticing how you look or what you are doing? Do you pay attention to what you are doing or how you look?

Does paying attention mean being with you or spending alone time with you? Do you just be with yourself or spend alone time with yourself?

Hopefully these examples make sense.

ASSERT YOUR BOUNDARIES WITH CONVICTION:

You probably have read books or at least heard of the importance of maintaining your boundaries and that it’s ok to say no.

You are probably thinking, yeah, well I say no and my attention seeking partner still doesn’t listen or amps up the control dramas. So if I am being assertive, why doesn't it seem to be working?

In addition, other people are just afraid of the conflict that may happen because of being assertive.

The important thing to remember when you are being assertive is to believe that you deserve to be assertive and say it and mean it with 100% conviction. If you have any hesitancy, fear or guilt, your partner (especially if they are Expressive) will pick up on it and if they come from the C.A.P. they will instinctly feed off your vulnerability. They will either use your hesitancy, fear or guilt to their advantage or not really take you seriously anyway because you may give in or suffer from your fear, causing you not to be assertive the next time. This is not usually going on a conscious level on the part of your partner, but their subconscious mind is working for them.

So you would be surprised how by being assertive without fear really stops people right in their tracks.

BE FULLY PRESENT:

Last but not least, when you do choose to give your partner attention, it is extremely important to choose to do so and be in nonresistance to your reality. If you embrace your present circumstances then you are fully in the moment, you are completely there mind, body and soul. Your partner will therefore feel like you are totally there with them and will be able to truly feel your attention. They will then be able to fully feel your attention.

If you ever watch American Idol, sometimes you will have singers performing where the judges like Simon, Paula and Randy, complain that they just couldn’t feel the performer. It is guaranteed that if the singer gets that feedback it is because they were nervous or in resistance to what they were singing. In either case, there were in resistance to their situation, therefore they were not fully present, when they are not fully present other people cannot connect or feel their energy.

The next time you watch American Idol or any other show with singers watch to see whether they are in the moment or not and feel the difference in energy that you feel from them.

CONCLUSION:

This is just a brief overview of some actions that you can take. Take to time to see if any of these relate to you and or you and your partner. The results will be a relationship were both of you will be able to have what you truly want one way or another.

Authentic Relationship And Marriage Counseling Would you like to KEEP Him or Her for life? Get ALL the answers in here! Disocver how you can bring NEW PASSION to a long time relationship, heal a broken heart, or even BREAK DOWN barriers that are keeping you and your partner apart! My strategies have been used successfully by people in the REAL WORLD, people who are facing REAL LIFE challenges just like you! Find out how we have helped thousands of couples and individuals find and keep their relationships. Click Here!

Divorce Help – Divorce Tips Discover how to deal with the pain and trauma of divorce and get useful divorce tips from a relationship expert today! Click Here for Divorce Tips!

Is Your Partner in Constant Need of Attention? (Part 3 OF 4)

In the first part of our article we went over understanding your partner and yourself in regards to your partner being in constant need of attention.

Now in Part Two, we will go briefly go over some suggestions on how to embrace and work with a partner who needs a lot of attention.

UNDERSTAND, ACCEPT, FORGIVE AND APPRECIATE YOUR PARTNER:

It is important to understand you partner such as some of the examples that we give in Part One such as they may have childhood wounds, they may be relationship centred or be an Expressive personality.

Next you have to accept, forgive and appreciate them for who they are. This is where your partner is at. If it is a childhood wound, unmet need or a pattern, this is what they have experience, learned or what has been passed on to them. If they where to know of a better way, trusted that it would work and know how to install it they would use it. It is also important to embrace your partner for where they are at because 1) what you resist persists. 2) Your partner will be able to pickup and feel that you are in judgment and resistance of them.

CODEPENDENCY:

There are many ways on how to deal with Codependency but one of the simplest ways is the deal with the caregiving aspect of it. When a person is caregiving another, in other words taking care of the other person for one reason or another, this dies-empowers the other person, hence why even people who may not have started off as being dependent over time can become dependent. If they are connected to a caregiver, they just lose all their power over the time. So the best thing you can do if you are a codependent caregiver is to picture you partner as being a whole, functional, empowered person, this way you are sending them empowering energy instead of disempowering energy. For more information about Codependency we have a mini book called “Do You Still Love Me?” that is part of our Love by Design package. (www.lovebydesignbook.com)

SHADOWSIDE EXERCISE:

The following is a brief shadowside exercise that you can use to help deal with any shadowside issues that you may have around attention or neediness.

SHADOWSIDE EXERCISE

List Three Things that really irk or trigger you about your partner.

_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________

Now picture yourself doing each of the three irks/or triggers yourself. Pay attention to how you feel. Chances are you feel resistance, and are saying, "No I just couldn't do that." Now think about why you think you shouldn't do that. What it will usually come down to is that you have learned from either society, family, experience or your own rules that if you do that activity or be that way that one way or another someone will withdraw love from you, whether that is another person or even yourself. However, because we have all aspects of personalities within us, by repressing this aspect of yourself, you are automatically withdrawing love from yourself. So you can do one of two things,

1) You can either accept your child for who they are or
2) You can accept that there is that part of you in you.

FIND OUT IF YOU ARE COMPATIBLE:

If you are not relationship centred and you are a different personality other than Expressive, on top of understanding, accepting, forgiving and appreciating your partner you also have to have be honest with yourself as to whether this is the type of relationship you want to have and also honestly evaluate whether you can give you partner what they want, especially if you have widely different values.

Like with all situations you have three main choices you can:

ACCEPT: Accept and allow you partner to be authentically who they are without resistance and without trying to change them. Allow them to be a full expression of themselves.

NEGOTIATE: Negotiate with your partner in areas where you are not compatible by either coming up with creative win-win situations or negotiations where both you give a little. Both of you have to change a bit, and/or gift give in order to fill the incompatibility gaps.

LEAVE: Decide to leave the relationship and find someone you are 100% compatible with or closer to 100% in compatibility where both of you can authentically give each others what you want in the relationship.

Authentic Relationship And Marriage Counseling Would you like to KEEP Him or Her for life? Get ALL the answers in here! Disocver how you can bring NEW PASSION to a long time relationship, heal a broken heart, or even BREAK DOWN barriers that are keeping you and your partner apart! My strategies have been used successfully by people in the REAL WORLD, people who are facing REAL LIFE challenges just like you! Find out how we have helped thousands of couples and individuals find and keep their relationships. Click Here!

Long Distance Relationship Adivce iscover how you can survive a long distance relationship and get to know the truths of a long distance relationship and what to expect from it. Discover how you can survive a long distance relationship!

Is Your Partner in Constant Need of Attention? (Part 2 OF 4)

YOUR PARTNER MAY BE EXPRESSIVE:

In our Love by Design Book we discuss the four main types of personalities and what the needs are of the different personalities. One of the personality types is what we call an Expressive. Expressive people are emotionally based, love people, dominant and friendly, love appreciation, approval, centre stage, change their minds a lot, and are charming, humorous and fun. They have excellent people skills.

One of the major needs of an Expressive to be the Centre of Attention. It is just naturally who they are and what they need. To another personality, with different needs, and focuses it may be hard for them to understand.

YOU ARE CODEPENDENT SO YOUR PARTNER IS DEPENDENT

Codependency is a condition that results from dysfunctional patterns based on unhealthy relationships. A Codependent person will give to others in hopes that the other people will give them what they want in return.

Because this is a dysfunctional pattern, a codependent person who will usually try to care take people in order to get what they want will often draw in someone who is dependent. The dependent person is unconsciously looking for someone to take care of them and who better than someone who is willing to do so.

So it is a good possibility that if you find that your partner is needy and always in need of attention it may be because they are dependent and you are codependent. Are you doing anything in your relationship that you really don’t want to do or is not authentically you, but you are doing it in hopes to get what you want from the other person by doing it?

For example are you giving in to your partner’s neediness even though you don’t want to, but you are in order prevent a conflict? And each time you do, they just seem to get needier? This may be because you are not being authentic and are resisting your reality and your partner is picking it up even if you are going through the motions of giving them what they want.

YOU MAY HAVE A PATTERN:

As we mentioned under reason number one, you may have a pattern. Likewise or just separately on your own, you may have your own pattern of drawing in needy people or people who are in constant need of attention.

My Mother as an Expressive personality needed attention as a child and her father abandoned the family when she was a young girl. She therefore needed constant attention from the people in her life and I absorbed being on the receiving end of that, so for the rest of my life until I recognized the pattern in my early 30s I was surrounded by people who needed major attention. My nephew who came to live with me when I was growing up, my ex husband, a large portion of my friends, my dog, all of them used dramatic control dramas to stranglehold my attention. Once I finally understood that, I replaced that pattern which I will explain about in Part two.

YOU MAY HAVE A SHADOWSIDE:

For the purposes our this article I will explain Shadowsides as the idea that there are all aspects and energies of people within ourselves There are sides of ourselves that are either not dominant or are repressed and/or there are aspects about ourselves that we think that we cannot love for many different reasons. It is called the Shadowside because it is our hidden side, and also because people are often repressing or denying an aspect of themselves that they see in others. They may also consider it a Shadowside because it appears to be dark or negative to them.

We often will draw in people, places and things into our lives so we can become aware, understand, accept, appreciate and even forgive that aspect of ourselves

So it is not surprising that we often draw in partners that seem opposite to our personalities, or have values or do things that we feel we would never do or ever think of doing. Therefore it is possible if you have drawn in a partner who is need of constant attention then there may be an aspect of yourself that you can cannot accept around needing attention. How do you feel about people who need constant attention?

YOU MAY NOT GIVE YOURSELF ATTENTION

Another area to think about is that often what is going on in your environment is a reflection of what you are thinking internally. So if you partner is in constant need of attention that may be a sign that you are in need of attention. In other words you may not be giving yourself enough attention.

YOU MAY LACK BOUNDARIES:

Since the world is all about balance, if you are not maintaining your own boundaries, for example if you are being passive, a gap or an unbalance is created, and the gap or unbalance will be filled by someone who is aggressive or is either unconsciously or consciously trying to invade another person’s boundaries, so the passive person and aggressive person will fit hand and glove.

In a similar fashion, if a person who is really needs or strives for attention and is seated in the Competitive Adversarial Paradigm they will go out and try to force others to give them what they want, in other words they are being aggressive. If you are being passive or not maintaining your own boundaries they are going to be at you like a metal to a magnet and if you give them what they want, they will continue to do so because they know that they can get away with it with little resistance.

YOU MAY NOT BE FULLY IN THE MOMENT:

If you say you are giving your partner the attention that they want and yet they still seem to need more this may be because you are resisting giving it to them. If you are resisting giving it to them you are resisting you present moment, therefore you are not fully present in the moment. Your partner will pick this up and feel unfulfilled even if you are in fact giving them the attention they want.

Next time we will continue with Part Three – Action, suggestions on how to work with and embrace a partner who is in constant need of attention.

To be continued…

Authentic Relationship And Marriage Counseling Would you like to KEEP Him or Her for life? Get ALL the answers in here! Disocver how you can bring NEW PASSION to a long time relationship, heal a broken heart, or even BREAK DOWN barriers that are keeping you and your partner apart! My strategies have been used successfully by people in the REAL WORLD, people who are facing REAL LIFE challenges just like you! Find out how we have helped thousands of couples and individuals find and keep their relationships. Click Here!

Long Distance Relationship Adivce Discover how you can being back the love of your life with our underground strategies and tips! Read successful stories and rave reviews from passionate readers from all over the world! Discover how you can survive a long distance relationship!

Is Your Partner in Constant Need of Attention? (Part 1 OF 4)

These instructions and strategies are going to come in 4 parts. Be sure to check back often to read the latest tips and tutorials!

Do you find that your partner is in constant need of attention? It’s just not your imagination because they will act out and try to get your attention in any which way possible from trying to pick arguments to hurting themselves.

Our article will be separated into two parts, part one will be about understanding your partner and part two will be about what you can do in order to work with and embrace a partner who is in constant need of attention.

PART ONE UNDERSTANDING

The first step is to understand your partner and even yourself before being able to take action. The following are some possible reasons why your partner is the way they are:

IT COULD BE A CHILDHOOD WOUND, A CHILDHOOD NEED, REOCCURING PATTERN OR LEARNED BEHAVIOR FROM EARLY CHILDHOOD

If your partner is in need of attention, a childhood wound or childhood need is almost a guarantee to be the origin of the need.

Childhood wounds are unresolved emotional traumas that we have developed or experienced from our childhood and early life.

In extreme cases if the early childhood trauma is severe enough, it may possibly be one of the reasons why some people develop the Borderline Personality.

Borderline personality is a type of personality disorder that a person usually doesn’t need to be on medication, but it does cause a lot of complications in a relationship.

A person with a Borderline Personality usually because early childhood trauma revolving around abandonment often react strongly to the fear of abandonment, take extra measures to insure that people don’t abandon them, and often have trouble feeling safe, secure or settled. They will also often turn on the people they love to prevent from being hurt or because they are feeling hurt because they feel like they are being abandoned. Their partner gets pushed back and forth between feeling smothered and being pushed away.

Unmet childhood needs are areas of needs usually based upon the child’s unique combinations of their personalities, communication modes, metaprograms and body types that were not met in childhood so they continue they need to fulfill that needs into adulthood. The need almost comes consuming because they feel so unfulfilled.

Patterns are often more subtle than wounds or unmet needs because we are so used to the pattern we won't recognize it right away. We pick up patterns from early childhood, generational patterns (Which can also include DNA patterns passed on thorough genes.) and any experience during the course of our lives.

They can be so subtle that we can draw in people into our lives to recreate a pattern from childhood without noticing the pattern especially at first. The person will feel so familiar you will not recognize the pattern until it’s well established in the relationship. A common pattern for the people who naturally need a lot of attention is growing up in a family where at least one of the parents where not into giving attention to their spouse or children.

This pattern is passed down to the children, now the child who is still in need of attention draws in a mate who is not into getting attention. Chances are this mate also happens to have a pattern where one of the parents was in constant need of attention and was constantly trying to get it from the child. So the two children as adults have complimentary patterns running so they are drawn to each other unconsciously to carryout their ongoing childhood patterns. In part two we will give some suggestions on how to deal with this.

YOUR PARTNER MAY NOT BE RECEIVING THE ATTENTION IN THEIR OWN COMMUNICATION MODE:

At our centre we talk about the four basic communication modes at our Centre. Different people are on different channels or modes. We learn, we express love and communicate through different modes or combinations of modes. It is important to know who you are playing with, what channel they are playing on or else your communication will not be very effective. If you are trying to give your partner attention but it is not in your partner’s communication mode, then it is like being on different radio frequencies, your partner is not going to be able pick up, or understand that form of attention and will not feel fulfilled. For more information on Communication modes, and how to test for them check out our Love by Design book (http://www.lovebydesignbook,com/) or sign up for our free mini-course called Top Ten Compatibilities for Relationship Success also at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com/.

YOUR PARTNER MAY BE RELATIONSHIP CENTRED:

At our Centre we talk about values which are our ideas and beliefs about the relative worth of things in our lives, it is what you are willing to focus on, and put attention and time into in order to maintain.

They are not facts, but choices we have made as we matured. When our actions match our Values, we experience emotional balance; when they don’t match, we feel frustrated and experience emotional imbalance.

Our Values play an integral part in determining the compatibility and success of our relationships. Values are the glue that holds people together. Lack of compatible Values can be the undoing of a relationship.

A relationship centred person’s main focus or value is on a one on one relationship with their partner. Now if both partners are relationship centred then it feels normal, but if your top value is not relationships, you may feel a little smothered by the relationship partner hence believing that they are just needy or in need of attention, when in reality this is just their values.

To be continued…

Authentic Relationship And Marriage Counseling Would you like to KEEP Him or Her for life? Get ALL the answers in here! Disocver how you can bring NEW PASSION to a long time relationship, heal a broken heart, or even BREAK DOWN barriers that are keeping you and your partner apart! My strategies have been used successfully by people in the REAL WORLD, people who are facing REAL LIFE challenges just like you! Find out how we have helped thousands of couples and individuals find and keep their relationships. Click Here!

Save Relationship – Save Marriage – Keep a True Love Discover how you can being back the love of your life with our underground strategies and tips! Read successful stories and rave reviews from passionate readers from all over the world! Click Here!