Help- My Partner Is A Big Flirt- What Do I Do?

You and your partner are out at a social event with a mutual group of friends, your partner is running around flirting with every member of the opposite sex, and is openly rating their body parts with their friends right in front of you.

You are angry and bewildered because you have told your partner time and again that you don’t like it when they conduct that kind of behavior in front of you. You have said that it hurt your feelings; you find it disrespectful and embarrassing for you. Your partner thinks it’s not big deal, it’s all in good fun and assures you that they would never follow through on their behavior.

So what is going on and what can be done about it? You are not getting your needs met and it is potentially causing a build-up of resentment towards your partner.

In this instance, there are two major issues going on:

1) You both have different belief systems about flirting.
2) Your partner may not understand that there is a problem.


I’ll go over each issue, and then explain where you can go from there.

YOU BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT BELIEF SYSTEMS ABOUT FLIRTING

If a couple have a different belief or understanding about an issue there it is guaranteed that there will be miscommunication or communication that will not be received by the other partner like two ships passing in the night. No one in the partnership will know the other person is talking about something totally different even though they are both using the same terminology such as the word flirting.

The following are questions for you and your partner to ask each other in order to find out if you are on the same wavelength.

1) What is your definition of flirting?
2) Ask your partner, what is their definition of flirting.
3) What does flirting mean to you?
4) Ask your partner what does flirting mean to them?
5) How does it make you feel when you partner is flirting with others?
6) Ask your partner how do they feel when you are flirting with others?

Now that both of you are aware of what each others definitions are, what they mean and how it makes both of you feel, you can then carry on to the next step.

YOUR PARTNER MAY NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM

If you have tried countless times to tell your partner that you have an issue with their flirting and you expressed how you feel and what it means to you, but it doesn’t phase them still, this may mean that you partner simply doesn’t understand that there is a problem.


In our Love by Design Book, Rob, director/counsellor for the LMC Relationship Centre explains the importance of making sure that your partner is on the same page in understanding that there is a problem. Often there is an underlying power struggle between couples because one person is trying to discuss their problem with their partner, but the other partner is ignoring their problem or is resisting what the first partner is saying .

This is either because the second person doesn't believe what the first partner is saying is a problem or they are not on the same page, so they don't understand how what the first person is saying is a problem. To prevent this, Rob has developed a guideline to follow when a couple is having this problem; it is called the DADADADA formula, which goes as follows:

Discuss if there is in fact a problem.

Agree there is a problem or not.

Discuss what the problem is.

Agree as to what the problem is.

Discuss possible solutions.

Agree to solution or not.

Discuss when and how to take action on it.

Agree to when and how to take action on it.

In along this same lines, Rob has also had many clients come in for counselling, where one of the partners doesn't accept that there is a problem, where as the other member of the couple does see a problem. Rob and I realize that people have different definitions and ways with coping such as the following:

1) There are the people who try to avoid or deny problems, because they are afraid of not being able to handle the problem, they may be tired or just not interested in dealing with it.
2) There are the people who love problems, they see them as opportunities, challenges that they can tackle head on.
3) There are people who embrace problems because it feels familiar to them, and familiarity is comforting or to give them a feeling of accomplishment by taking on and solving the problem.
4) There are people who acknowledge that there is a problem but want to minimize it so it is not considered dramatic or a big deal since they do not like drama.

In our Love by Design Book (www.lovebydesignbook.com) we go over in more detail as to how the DADADADA formula works but for the purposes of this article, the important thing is to be able to explain to your partner that this problem of flirting is a problem, that it is effecting the relationship, so not only is it your own problem, it is a problem that will effect the flirting partner, especially in the long run.

The next most important thing is that your partner now agrees that there is a problem, that way; you can now continue to find solutions to the situation.

Once the reality of the belief systems and whether the partner agrees or disagrees with problem has been established, you may then decide one of three things about the flirting.

1) ACCEPT: If your partner decides that they want to continue their flirting in the way they want to, you may accept that that is who you are playing with. If you are in acceptance you will at least not be in resistance even though it may not have been what you originally wanted.

2) YOU CAN NEGOTIATE: You can negotiate, where both you give a little, or creative negotiation where you come up with ideas to work with the situation. For example you partner can to continue to flirt as they always have as long as it is not directly in front of you.

3) LEAVE: You can leave and find someone who shares the same beliefs as you do about flirting. This may seem drastic, but different people may have varying degrees of importance around the issue.

For example, in my 1st marriage, I had different belief systems around flirting than my husband. My husband was a huge flirt. His self-esteem and sense of freedom and fun was wrapped up in flirting. He wasn’t going to stop flirting without it effecting his freedom and fun.

I’m sure a lot of my beliefs about flirting are triggered by unresolved past issues, but all I know is that at the time, I couldn’t imagine myself spending the rest of my life with such a major flirt. (We were once at a nightclub and the DJ awarded my husband a prize that was supposed to originally be for a spot dance, because my husband was running around and kissing all the girls on their cheeks as they were dancing in a large circle.) Yes, it was funny, but it just wasn’t my vision for a relationship.

My first husband is remarried now, and I’m quite sure that his new wife has no issues about his flirting, since it is so much a part of who he is.

My present partner (Rob) is conscious and respectful on my views on flirting and ensures I feel comfortable in all social situations.

Find Your Soulmate!


Melody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design. She can be reached by email at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca or support@lovebydesign.com

What Is A Highest And Best Relationship?

By Melody Chase


At our centre we believe that there is a highest and best partner out there who will align with your areas of compatibility and level of relationship mastery, and as well will unconditionally love you just as you are in the present moment.

In this highest and best relationship both parties are easily and effortlessly able to support and allow the other person to be a full expression of themselves and their soul.

In our relationship system there are 37-40 areas of compatibility. The more areas of compatibility one has in common, the more energetic and expansive the relationship will be.

People have asked “What is Relationship Mastery and why do I have to increase my level of Relationship Mastery and Consciousness.

Relationship Mastery refers to the mindset as well as the tools and skills that a person develops to be able to relate to another in a Relationship. These include abilities and acquired talents such as communication, conflict resolution techniques and what we call the 7 Principles of Relationship Success.

Relationship mastery may also be needed to help a gap in compatibility come closer together. So even if you find you and your partner have some issues around compatibility but still want to stay together a greater Relationship Consciousness and Mastery will help create a good Relationship.

Another important factor about relationship mastery is each partner’s willingness to learn relationship mastery skills. If some one or both partners are not keen on learning and training that will impede ones success, however one partner can do significant evolution that will impact the Relationship for both.

If a couple has low compatibility and poor relationship mastery skills then their relationship will have high levels of toxicity and deficiencies. A Relationship Toxicity is a bad love habit. A Relationship Deficiency is lack of a relationship skill, mindset or attitude.

A deficiency is also a need or want that you are not getting in a relationship.

So a partner cause of their Relationship Deficiency can create a deficiency for their partner. For example if your partner is a poor communicator and lacks support skills you will feel empty and deficient cause you are craving emotional support , communication and validation.


The farther apart in compatibilities and relationship mastery, the lower the chances of a couple having a successful, fulfilling relationship where one can be a full expression of oneself.

Therefore at the centre we also believe that a square peg doesn’t need to be forced into a round hole. This is because we have a different paradigm than most of society.

We teach and believe that there is an abundant universe and everyone can, and will find someone that is highest and best for them. It’ s a matter of becoming clear and use laws of attraction to draw what best for you in.

You do not have to settle out of fear of never finding anyone, societal pressures or fear of hurting their present partner.

In regards to hurting your present partner, if you are not with your highest and partner you will cause more hurt to your partner as well as yourself because of the continuous build up of toxicities and deficiencies. As well, you will both block each others from being full expressions of oneself. This blockage effects all areas of your life including health, wealth, and your dharmic path.

For example in my first marriage to Travis, we were teenage sweethearts, then got married in our early 20s. We were not compatible in many areas and because we has low relationship mastery skills, for 6 years we lived in quiet desperation, neither one of us understanding just how unfulfilling our relationship and our lives were.

The energetics of this situation impacted many other areas of our lives as well.

We had dead end jobs that seemed to us that we couldn’t escape, we had constant financial problems, sex problems, and we kept putting off having children because we felt like we wouldn’t be able to provide for them.

Travis became addicted to videogames and started smoking pot. I was very lonely and empty because Travis had different value centre than I. Travis was friend and family centred meaning that he likes to focus his energy and time on friends and his relatives. I was relationship centred, meaning that I would rather spend one on one time with Travis.

We also had different communication modes, so I didn’t receive love from him in my communication modes, even though he would be trying to give love to me through his communication modes.

When I finally came into consciousness that we were not in our highest and best relationship with one another and that the relationship mastery wouldn’t be enough to close the gaps in our incompatibility, I was still really hesitant about leaving him/and or telling him.

He was at a particularly low point in his life and was suffering from low self esteem. I was afraid that I would really hurt him, kicking him while he was down and I was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to recover.

Well, he was upset of course at first. However, he was able to recover. Today, he is remarried, now to his soulmate, he has renovated his home, he has a new high paying job, is out of financial debt and I bet I’ll be hearing any time now that he’ll be having a little family.

For me, I was able to find my dharma (which I never thought I was ever going to find) which happened literally because of leaving Travis, and I have found my highest and best relationship and soulmate.

Had I not made the decision to allow both Travis and I to let go and find our highest and best relationship, we would have been blocking each other from our dharma and our true soulmates from entering into our lives.

So in any relationship there are three decisions to make, once you are aware of where you stand in regards to compatibility and relationship mastery in your relationship.


Stay and Accept

There are positive and negative aspects of staying and accepting even if you know the relationship is not in yours or your partner’s highest and best interest.

On the negative side, as individuals you can only expand to a certain point. Then, from there you cannot be a full expression of yourself because you are not being authentic and you are not in an environment that is going to support yourself being yourself, the same for your partner.

At least one benefit of staying and accepting is that at least you are no longer in resistance to who your partner is and the environment that you find yourself in.

Also, you can love your partner without trying to force them to change and have the opportunity to appreciate them just as they are. Staying and accepting also saves you a lot of energy that could be wasted hoping and trying to get them to change, you can except that different people have different games and rhythms. Is staying and accepting healthy? It can be healthy in the sense that you are no longer in resistance and stress to your reality, but it is not healthy in the sense that it is not in the highest and best for yourself.

Attempt to Change

Most people have their own rhythms, differences and limitations. Attempting to change can be healthy when skills and new abilities are added on to their personalities. For example, a non-auditory person can learn communication techniques, a dominant person can learn conflict resolutions skills, as could an amiable person learn conflict resolution and assertiveness techniques.

It is unhealthy when how you are attempting to change the other person is taking something away or their authenticity is being denied or disowned. As the person trying to change the other person, you will also experience a lot of stress resisting how the other person is authentically, especially if the other person doesn’t want to change, and you want them to even for the sake of the relationship.

If you find yourself using control dramas, (i.e. getting really angry, arguing, and crying) even subtle ones all time, then you know there is too much that you are trying to change in the person. It is also important to note, that even if you managed to get your way and have them change in the way you want them to, if they are being inauthentic every change you force them to make damages them. It is like your partner is a flower that you like to look at and enjoy their scent. However, every time you force them to change, you are stomping on the flower. In the end, you can not enjoy your flower anymore, because the flower is dead.

Letting Them Go

The unhealthy aspects of letting your partner go are temporary and the more you are aware of what is going on the quicker you, your partner, friends and family can heal.

When you know the relationship is not the highest and best for either of you, yet you are not letting them go, you are basing your decision to stay on fear.

Basing your decision on fear is far unhealthier than temporary transition stage of parting ways. Fear of disrupting the children, fear of disrupting the family, fear of disrupting the friends, fear of change, fear of losing your belongings, your home, your way of life, your happy memories, fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of hurting your partner, fear of the unknown, fear of financial loss, fear of social standing in the community. That’s a lot of fear.

What happens if you approach this from a self love perspective for a moment? If you were a Mom and your soul job was to love yourself, what your Mom self want you to do? Would you want yourself to be happy? Do you want yourself to be a full expression of yourself? Would your Mom self want you to be authentic? Would your Mom self want to support your purpose? Would you Mom self want you to be healthy? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, then as a person who loves themselves, then you would then be able to make a decision based on love, instead of fear.

From there, although I can’t prove it, until you try it, everything will fall into its natural place. Just as what happened with Travis and I, our transitions may have been a little rocky, because we were afraid, but when we did go through with letting our partners go, everyone benefited.

When I was making my decision to leave Travis, I would have to admit, a lot was based on the knowledge that I wasn’t the highest and best for him, and on the faith that he was going to be o.k., but there must have been some self-love in there too, because at the time, I was seeing myself as a person who needed someone like myself to make a decision in love.

If you want more information on whether you should stay or go take a look at my book “Love by Design”! You can attract your true love and find your soulmate in life!
Warm Regards

Melody Chase
Relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

The Importance of Being Nice in a Relationship - The Top 5 Reasons for Being Nice

I was watching a late night talk show where the host was asking the male celebrity guest who was celebrating his 50th anniversary what his secret was to a happy marriage.

“We are nice to each other.” Answered the celebrity.

Over the years at our Centre we have realized that indeed one of the important secrets is, in fact being nice to each other.

Each individual has their own definition as to what nice means. For example, for me being nice means being respectful towards me, emotionally supportive and speaking gently to me. For Rob, (Director of the Centre and my significant other), being nice would mean being cooperative and going along with what he wants to do without resistance and supporting what it is that he wants to do.

The best way then to find out what nice means for you and your partner is for both of you to explain to each other in as much detail as possible.

Once you are aware of what nice means for your partner you can now reinforce the importance of being nice with the following


Top 5 Strategies for Being Nice in a Relationship.

1) POSITIVE UPSTATE:

At our Centre we have what we call the 7 Principles of Relationship Success. One of the Principles is Positive Upstate which goes as follows:

PRINCIPLE #3: Be Responsible For Maintaining a Positive, Up Emotional State.

This doesn't mean being phony but rather learning to shift into a more resourceful state when appropriate. Successful people have mastered state change.
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"Each of us has a responsibility to manage our own emotional state."

A relationship is public relations. If one partner is repeatedly negative in any way, the other partner becomes programmed to expect it and feels bad as soon as their face shows up, hears the other person or even with a touch. The trigger doesn't matter. It is what ever is consistently paired with the negative feeling.

Most friendships and relationships can survive some dumping and down times but not much.

Only dysfunctional people tolerate a lot of negativity. If you know that the time spent with someone is going to be all negative, you eventually begin to avoid that person.

Look for solutions to problems together but don't just talk about what's wrong all the time. It's like water dripping from a rock - eventually it wears the rock away. Remember Pavlov and his dogs?

If you or your partner is negative and the other is in the immediate environment, you will develop negative conditioning to one another, which will cause you to drift apart. The good news is this works the other way around as well. Yes, you can condition each other positively so that as soon as you hear the other's voice, see their face or experience a touch, you feel good.

Practice emotional management and learn the tools of positive influence to create good feelings in yourself and others. By the way, learning to be happy alone first, is important to achieve happiness and peace of mind in a relationship. Take responsibility for how you feel, create happiness within yourself and share your joy with others. Great relationships are a synergistic energy exchange.

Of course realistically and authentically we cannot always be positive, however being nice to your partner will help in the positive upstate department.

2) OPEN UP YOUR PARTNER TOWARDS BEING MORE GIVING TOWARDS YOU:

Relationships are made up of energy exchange between partners. The more energy that flows freely back and forth in a relationship, the healthier the relationship. When one partner gives freely without any strings attached by being nice in the way the other partner likes gives the receiving partner more energy in order to give back freely to the first partner. Energy saved in not being upset or angry allows a continual flow of energy. If you have noticed that when your partner is nice to you, you feel energized and uplifted. You may also feel like doing something nice for them. It’s not a coincidence; it’s called a healthy relationship exchange.

3) HELP SHIFT THE RELATIONSHIP AWAY FROM A COMPETITIVE ADVERSIAL PARADIGM:

The competitive adversarial Paradigm or C.A.P. is a belief system that the world is scarce there is a lack of abundance and not enough resources in the world for everyone, therefore everyone has to grab for the limited resources. They have been taught that the way to do that is to fight and compete for these limited resources and in order to survive and strive, they have to win. There is no such thing as a win, win, there is only win or lose.

A person with this belief system will incorporate this paradigm into all areas of their life including relationships. They will be on guard and competitive with their partner, they will try to “win-over” or force their partners into giving them what they want. This includes tactics such as yelling, belittling, teaching, correcting, even insulting their partner in order to gain power by attempting to take away their partner’s power.

Although the results of their behavior may hurt their partner, the intention was not to hurt their partner, it’s just that they have been never been exposed to or taught any other way to get their needs met. If you are one of these people, here is an opportunity to try another approach to getting your needs met that doesn’t involve taking your partner’s power away or hurting them.

There are situations where people do intentionally try to hurt someone thinking it’s collateral damage. If the partner is hurt then they will have learned their lesson and either do or don’t do what they are doing again. This may work for certain personalities, but not all of them, even if they get the point, they will be suffering from the hurt, long after the person who dished it out has already forgotten about it. This hurt will come back one way or another on the first partner.

4) UNDERSTAND THE EFFECT OF KARMA

For a long time, I discounted Karma, because I had heard that there are ways to transcend Karma, so I thought that meant that Karma no longer counted. There is still Karma, in order to cancel it out you have to actively transcend it, otherwise the same Law of Cause and Effect is still in effect.

So how does it relate to you? How you treat your partner will come back to you, sometimes real quick too.

Many years ago I had a boyfriend who thought it would be funny to see how long I could last when I had to go to the bathroom. We were traveling by car to the Rocky Mountains. I mentioned that I had to go to the washroom badly. He gleefully drove right through the nearest town without stopping; it was another 29 minutes before I found a rest stop.

Later that day, we had reached the Rockies. My boyfriend suddenly had an intense urge to use the washroom. Unfortunately for him, we were going up a winding mountain that only had a one way single lane, no turn offs, just sheer cliff drop-offs, so he couldn’t stop the car at all until he reached the park about 30mins away at the top of the mountain.

The moral? Treat you partner in the way that they like to be treated.

5) CREATE HEALTH FOR YOU & YOUR PARTNER

We are assuming that you want to spend your whole life with your partner.
Not being nice to your partner may cause your partner to be on guard causing them stress or an adrenalised fight or flight reaction. Being in a constant adrenalized state isn’t good for the partner’s body. It can have an effect on their health in many ways, from organ damage, nervous system disorders, diabetes, high blood pressure, even weight problems since the stress of being on guard causes cortisol – cortisol forms fat in most body types. For people who don’t have much fat cells, the cortisol will pull calcium from their bones that can lead to osteoporosis.

So of course a healthy lifestyle is the key to a long life, being nice to you partner will definitely assist in your partner having a healthy and happy life with you.

So being aware of what nice means to your partner is the first step towards a happy relationship, from there if you ever forget the importance, just remember the Top Five Strategies for Being Nice.

Attract True Love. Attract Soulmate. Click here!

RELATIONSHIP ADDICTION When You Can’t Let Go of Toxic Love & Emotional Pain

In this article we talk about “How to Recognize Relationship Addiction” and “How to Transform Yourself” to “Create the Life & Relationships of Your Dreams.

When being in love means being in pain, you know and feel at some level something is not right, but you seem powerless to fix it or leave.

In our last article I was sharing the story of when I was trapped in dysfunctional addictive relationships.

Before we start lets define some terms so we are all on the same page.

Addictive means that you keep wanting and craving something that in the long term is not good for you cause in the short term it gives you some pleasure and relief. Usually the more you interact with an addictive substance or person you always feel less satisfied and the good times get less and less.

Dysfunction means “not functional” which means doesn’t work long term.

Toxic means hurtful to you, dangerous and or damaging short and or long term

Codependent means you are putting your needs ahead of someone else in a way that is toxic and or hurtful to you.

Dependent means you need something for your peace of mind, happiness and or emotional/physical balance

Relationships are a mutual filling of needs and healthy happy relationships have both parties getting what they want in the way they want it. As well good Relationships are absent of getting a lot of stuff you and your partner don’t want in the way they don’t want it as well.

People and Relationships need to be functional, available and compatible.

A model we look at when we look at Relationships is what we call the Toxicity & Deficiency Model.

When you don’t get what you want in a Relationship you are in a “Deficient state”. When you get a bunch of stuff you don’t want in the way you don’t want it you are in a “toxic state”

Deficient and or Toxic states creates Relationships that don’t work in other words a “Dysfunctional Relationships “

As we defined earlier “Dysfunctional Relatoinships don’t work long term.

If someone is not available that doesn’t work and creates deficiency.
If someone is not functional and hurtful to you that is toxic and hence dysfunctional.

If you are with someone who is not compatible for you then you are faced with lots of deficiencies and usually some toxicity

In Melody’s book Love by Design at www.lovebydesignbook.com .
Melody goes over 30 areas of compatibility that exist in a relationship.

In my latest ebook and program “Counsellor in a Box” at www.counsellorinabox.com I go over Toxicity and Deficiency in Relationships and how to deal with them. As well we look at how to create compatibility and deal with availability issues.

Now if you are in a deficient and or toxic relationship with someone who is either not compatible, functional and or available as I was when I dated Virginia and host of others in my “having lousy relationships phase of my life” you are probably in the pain of Relationship Addiction.

When you cant let them go then that’s not Love that’s Addiction.
So when being in Love means being in pain then you need to get out of your mindset and understand the true nature of Relationships, Love and Realtiy.

Relationship Addiction means you are addicted to Relationships that don’t fulfill you and or are hurtful and toxic to you.

In other words you are trapped by these “dysfunctional” relationships with people who are not right for you , but you stay out of love and or fear.

We fear because we feel that we love these people and that we cant replace them cause we think they are our Soulmate or only one for me

All that is an illusion, however before I gained Relationship Mastery which is the material in Melody’ Love by Design Book at www.lovebydesignbook.com and Counsellor in a Box Principles found at www.counsellorinabox.com I did not realize how wrong it is to stay in a Relationship out of love, attraction, and commitment.

I was with “unqualified people” who were, either not available, functional and or compatible. When I learned these concepts I really started to look at Relationships with a different point of view.

This “Paradigm Shift” is important to creating success in your life and relationships.

The Second Paradigm Shift I had to make in order to “Create the Life & Relationships of my Dreams” was to understand how the life and the universe works.

I had to get out of fear and realize I there were higher and better people for me and I could actually attract and deserter to be in a relationship with them.

I actually also had to belief that they could be better than what I had because I was trapped in the mindset that they were the one and only Soulmate for me which was an illusion as well.

Its not about being with your Soulmate its about being with your Highest and Best Soulmate who you can not only have great love , attraction and connection with but a healthy functional happy relationship with.

Get it ???

In my ebook and program “True Love on Demand” at www.trueloveondemand.com I talk about how to shift to place of understanding how Relationships and the Universe works so you can draw in your “Highest and Best” Soulmate.

If I can speak to you in plain language, the fact was I thought Relationships were supposed to be struggle and that Love conquered all.

Love doesn’t conquer a bad choice. It will allow you though to get out of it if you understand the principles of true love and how one can have that and an ideal relationship as well.

I didn’t realize that I had attracted dysfunctional relationships with people who either not compatible functional and or available cause that is what I learned from my family and society what love was.

Love is not a healthy relationship. You can love people who are not right for you and have a sense of a Soulmate connection but this does not make a good relationship.

I had to learn that I could have the love and attraction with a functional relationship with someone who was available, functional and compatible I did not learn that till I learned about Metaphysics and how the Universe worked.

When I learned that I could create a “essence vibrational blueprint” of what was highest and best for me and draw it in.

I had to lose my Relationship Addiction which was based on fear and scarcity and a misunderstanding of the Relationship Game and how the Universe and Life really works.

So when I got the Relationship Game and the Universal Attraction System I could then create the “Relationship and Life of My Dreams “

If you have any questions contact me at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca and check out our 3 ebooks at www.relationshipmasteryonline.com to gain Relationship and Universal Mastery and “Create the Life &
Relationships of Your Dreams”

Warm Regards

Dr. Robby

How To Find LOVE The Right Way

Finding love in this day and age is becoming harder and harder. Ask any single, and they will tell you that the stresses and demands of work mean they have little spare time to spend on the social circuit. It’s hard enough finding time for ourselves these days, let alone fitting in time to meet new people.

In fact, a lot of couples don’t realize just how hard it is to meet new friends. These days we live such hectic and individualized lives that the possibility of connecting with that ‘someone special’ is becoming more and more remote. And let’s face it, the usual haunts like pubs and clubs are generally the last place you can really talk and get to know someone. Are you really likely to meet that magical woman of your dreams during happy hour at the local watering hole?

Or is it realistic that you will run into that unique, caring man you hope to meet on the dance floor of a sweaty, noisy nightclub? The truth is that many of the usual encounters these days between men and women may well lead to sex, but they rarely lead to meaningful, long term relationship where the couple have similar interests, core values and dreams. It is frustrating, demoralizing and can cause people to throw their hands up in despair.

In actual fact, you don’t have to give up on love, because there are plenty of novel and less known ways of meeting people that you may not have thought about before. Here’s are few ideas for finding that special person you’ll want to share your life with.

How do I meet someone special?

Meeting a woman or man that is attractive to you and on your wavelength is probably the hardest part of finding new love. The old adage “there are plenty of fish in the sea” might be true, but the trick is finding new ways to go fishing successfully! Innovative ways of meeting potential new love mates are the key.

When it comes to meeting someone who is similar to you, try writing a list of the past-time and hobbies that interest you and then go from there. For example, if you are an art lover, your best bet of meeting a person who shares your passion for art is by joining a club at the local art gallery or by attending new exhibitions and openings.

You will be surprised at how many people you will meet, and the faces that will soon become familiar over time. By just talking about your favorite topic you will soon make plenty of connections with fascinating members of the opposite sex. The same applies if you are a sports buff or outdoors lover. Just by joining clubs, associations or engaging in activities where there will be people with similar interests as yourself, you will naturally increase your chances of meeting someone who shares the same passions and drives as you.


Asking that special someone out on a date

Once you have found someone who you like and are attracted to, don’t be shy about making the first move. Whether you are a man or a woman, asking your new friend out on a date is imperative because you need to show your interest for the other party to reciprocate. It’s hard asking someone out on a date because we all fear rejection.

That said, people are naturally captivated by those among us that are confident and self-assured. So before you ask that special person out on a date try reciting some internal mantras to yourself. They will help bolster your confidence and raise your self-esteem. Say to yourself over and over: “I am an attractive, special and unique person. I am fascinating and fun to be with. I am worthy of love.” By believing in your own loveability, others will too.

Making that first date a success

Once you have gotten the “thumbs up” from your new friend, the next step is going on the first date. The first date is a really critical time – it’s when you and date get to know one another and determine whether you want to take your friendship to the next level.
Making an impression on a first date is easy when you remember these tips.

Firstly, make sure you make regular eye contact with your date. Eye contact is an important part of flirting. In fact, research has shown that eye contact reveals a lot about honesty, openness and levels of interest. If you don’t make enough eye contact your date may see you as shifty, untrustworthy or lacking in interest. On the contrary too much eye contact can be interpreted as overly intense, pushy or downright creepy.

Other tips to remember are to plan your evening well. Ask your date what food he or she likes so that you can take them to a restaurant they will enjoy. Making sure you are dressed appropriately is also imperative. Over or underdressing can be embarrassing for both people. For example if you are going to a baseball game, don’t drag out your string of pearls and high heels. On the other hand if you are going to the opera, jeans and trainers are clearly a no-no. Thinking about the details of your evening lets you anticipate all eventualities so you will be prepared, comfortable and relaxed.

It is true that finding new love in this modern age is a challenge. But you can increase your chances of finding making new friends or perhaps finding your soul-mate by thinking more seriously about where you might meet likeminded people in the first place, as well as carefully planning your first date.

I’ll talk to you soon with more relationship tips!

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3 Ways to Deal with a Partner who has Commitment Phobia

A partner who has commitment phobia can be a gift in disguise. It is a signal that there is something "awry." It's a "heads up" that there may be something not right in the relationship. Whether this is because you are not compatible (hence, not in your highest and best relationship), or because your partner may have unresolved baggage from past relationships, it is important to find out the cause of the lack of commitment.

Therefore, it is important to find out why your partner has commitment phobia, and from there you will then be able to decide what to do (or not do) about it.

The top three potential reasons for commitment issues are as follows:

1) Different commitment levels.
2) Emotional baggage.
3) Consciously or unconsciously just not into you.

Let's examine each of the above reasons.

1) DIFFERENT COMMITMENT LEVELS

As simple as it sounds, sometimes people are at different levels of commitment and they don't know it, or they think they are at the same level of commitment as their partner, but their partner has a different interpretation, rules or definition of the commitment level, even though you are both using the same terminology.

Examples of commitment levels are casually dating, going steady, being engaged or married. Both partners may agree that they are going steady, but they have different interpretations as to what that means. For example, one member of the partnership may believe that going steady means only seeing the other partner exclusively, but the other partner may think that going steady means that you go out regularly, but that they can still see other people. The first partner may see the other partner's actions of seeing other people as a sign that they are not committed to the relationship, whereas it really just means they are at different levels of commitment and have different definitions of the same term, "going steady."

Another example may be that a steady relationship would mean that the partners should introduce each other to each other's parents, when the second partner may think that the best time to introduce the parents is at a deeper level of commitment, such as when they get engaged. The first partner may see that second partner as not being committed, and the second partner may see the first partner as jumping the gun by pressuring them to meet the parents.

So the bottom line ism don't take it for granted that your partner and yourself know each other's definitions, rules and regulations even if you are using the same terminology. It is important not only to be able to understand each other, but to find out if you are at the same level of commitment to avoid power conflicts, disappointment and to find out if you are compatible.

Some questions you can ask you partner are:

1) What level of commitment do you think we are at in our relationship?
2) What does that level of commitment mean to you?
3) What are some of the things you expect from me at this level of commitment?
4) What are some of the things that you think I should expect at this level of the relationship?
5) What are some of the things you don't want at this level of our relationship?
6) What are some of the things that you think that I don't want at this level of our relationship?

This should open pretty much anything that may be unclear, and that will get you and your partner thinking at a higher level of consciousness.

2) EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE

Everyone is a unique person, with their own personality combinations and life experiences. Often people have wants, needs or requirements going into a relationship that do not make them compatible with you.

These wants, needs or requirements may then become more exaggerated, more rigid and more prone the person to becoming triggered if they have unresolved emotional issues, wounds or traumas caused from past relationships. These wounds usually revolve around not wanting to be hurt again, not wanting to be taken advantage of, or control and/or freedom issues. Often people are emotionally shut down, build walls around themselves, or become overly protective of themselves, making them physically or emotionally unavailable, which may come across as commitment phobia (as they try to protect themselves).

A simple example of this would be in the movie Prime with Uma Thurman. Uma's character, who was in her late 30s in the movie, was having a life transition issue, among many other foundation compatibility issues, while she was having a relationship with a 23-year-old man. However, she was also having her own control and freedom issues about her own place or apartment.

Just recently divorced, she was extremely enjoying having her own place and the freedom it represented. When her younger boyfriend moved into her apartment with her, she felt her property was being encroached upon, and she tried to control everything that he did in the apartment, even who he was allowed to bring over. It is with this same intensity that people may not want other people to share their space with them, whether it is their own place or a new place that they will share together with this partner. This can be a major source of commitment phobia for someone.

Another example would be of emotional trauma dealing with freedom. In our Love by Design Book found at www.lovebydesignbook.com, we go over the four basic types of personalities. One of them is called the Expressive personality. One of their main requirements in life is freedom. If their freedom has been taken away, it can be very traumatizing for them. So if an Expressive was in a past relationship where their partner was controlling and abusive, they may become overly sensitive and protective of their freedom in their next relationship, hence having a fear of commitment.

One question you can ask your partner is...what are you afraid to lose if you further commit to this relationship?

So if it is a compatibility issue, and people are simply trying to get their wants, needs, and requirements met, then it is important to find out what your partner's and your own wants, needs and requirements are to see if you are compatible. However, if there is emotional baggage involved, it is harder to find out if you are compatible or not, so your partner, if they have been hurt or traumatized (it can be subtle, or built up over time, too) , needs to be willing to heal and find ways to release their emotions. If they are not willing to help themselves, or they think there isn't a problem, you may want to think twice about having a relationship with them, because as long as they have the baggage, they are not going to be able to have a healthy or committed relationship.

If they are interested, there are plenty of material and places to help release emotions and heal. There are Barbara DeAngelis' books and tapes, the Sedona Method, EFT... The important thing is for them to get started and try anything that they can connect with.

3) CONSCIOUSLY OR UNCONSCIOUSLY JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

The reality is, sometimes, people are just not into you. It is important to come from a mindset that it is an abundant universe and that there is someone out there who will love you just as you are and for whom you are. With that kind of mindset, you can then see clearly when someone isn't really into and you can let them go and draw in someone who is. There are people out there, "The Players," who are just out to use you, or even people who are just not serious or at the same level of commitment as you are. Instead of resisting that reality, just embrace that there are people out there who are like that, and you don't need to try to force them or try to hang on to them. There is someone who is your highest and best waiting out there for the incompatible person to get out of the way, so they can be drawn into your life.

On a similar note, there may also be people who are consciously aware that they are not that into you, but they fear to tell you because they are afraid to hurt you, and are afraid of the social ramifications of family, friends or society.

If you're brave enough to have this type of conversation with your partner, tell them that you want to have a real heart-to-heart talk about whether they are truly into you or not, and gently explain that you understand that they may be concerned about hurting you, but it will actually hurt you more in the long-run if you are being prevented from being with someone who is truly compatible and truly into you.

Lastly, there are the unconscious commitment phobias, which may be caused by some gut feeling or knowing within them that there is something wrong with the relationship, but they can't pinpoint it, they can't verbalize it, or are not really conscious of it. The person will just do things unconsciously to keep the relationship at bay and delay deeper commitment. This may very well be our intuition, our higher self or our inner being, whichever you believe in, trying to signal to us that there is something not aligning in the relationship.

For example, in the movie Little Black Book (sorry if you haven't seen the movie yet), the Brittany Murphy character named Stacy, and her boyfriend, Derek, were living together and going out for a year. Derek never during this whole time ever invited Stacy over to meet his parents. Stacy asked him about that, because in her time line, especially when living together and dating for a year, it was overdue to meet his parents.

Derek told her that he doesn't have his girlfriends meet his parents. Near the end of the movie, Stacy finds out that his last girlfriend, Joyce (whom he never really got over), had met his parents. In fact, when he was going out with Joyce, she used to hang out with his parents. When Stacy questioned him on that in the middle of a heated argument, he blurted out that it was "different with Joyce." So the reality was whether Derek consciously was aware of it or not, he was holding back Stacy from meeting his parents, not because he had a "Don’t' meet his parents" rule, but because he didn’t feel the same about Stacy as he did his ex-girlfriend. He didn't want to commit to Stacy, and keeping his parents away would help to prevent a deeper commitment.

The reality was he was truly meant to be with his ex-girlfriend, and the lack of commitment with Stacy was a "sign" that he was unconsciously creating to prevent himself from getting further involved in this wrong relationship.
One way to get to the bottom is to ask your partner the following questions, using the following communication modes to make sure your partner is communicating on their own channel.

1) Do you see anything wrong with our relationship?
2) What would you say is wrong with our relationship, if anything?
3) Do you think there is anything wrong with our relationship?
4) Do you feel like there is anything wrong with our relationship?

If anything is brought up, then you can see if there are compatibility issues. If they get defensive or refuse to answer the question, this may be an issue in itself, since in a relationship you want to have someone who is willing to be open and expand in your relationship.

With the help of deeper understanding and trying out the questions above, you will have a better understanding of what is going on. You can then have a better idea of what to do and where you want to go with your relationship.

If you would like more information on Relationship Issues, check out our Relationship Mastery Site at www.relationshipmansteryonline.com and check out my book at www.lovebydesignbook.com.

Warm Regards,
Melody Chase
relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Helpful Tips on Coping with Divorce

It’s a sad fact that many people do not want to acknowledge but the truth is many marriages end in divorce. In fact, approximately one third of marriages these days will fail with spouses going their separate ways.

Divorce is a subject that makes people naturally uncomfortable because nobody like to think that their love affair is going to end badly. Discussing divorce is akin to talking about death – few people like to admit that it can affect their lives. Unfortunately the hard reality will mean that many of us will indeed have to deal with the pain and trauma of divorce.

If your marriage has come to an end, and you are facing the prospect of divorce, what things should you do, or expect to feel, during this very difficult time in your life? Following is a list of things you can do to make the period easier.

Understand your emotions

Despite the wealth of information about separation and divorce, it is still a highly under-rated event in people’s lives. Indeed many people do not realize that separation and divorce is frequently as traumatic as the death of a loved one. Divorce means you are losing the person that you have built your life with, and thought you would spend the rest of your days with.

When your relationship ends, you have to make enormous adjustments both emotionally, financially and practically to accommodate their absence in your life. Most people that go through separation should prepare themselves for the same stages of emotion that you would experience if a loved one did in fact die. You must allow yourself to grieve in order to get over the loss. What’s more you have to remember that the internal work of grief is a process, a personal journey that is unique to you. It does not simply end on a particular day or date, but rather you will “work through” your grief until your pain ebbs away. And there are five distinct stages to grieving that you are likely to encounter, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Counseling and support

Separation and divorce is such a tumultuous time that many people benefit from seeking the assistance of a counselor or joining a support group. While talking with friends is always normal, some people that are embroiled in a divorce can unwittingly lean too heavily on friends and family.

More importantly it is never appropriate to discuss the divorce and any related grievances with children of the relationship. It is imperative that parents do not involve their children in their disputes, so discussing any anguish, fights or pain with the kids is out! Likewise it is generally not advisable to bring your domestic problems to work. The best way to ensure that you get the emotional help and support that you need, without jeopardizing your work, friendships or relationship with your children is to “emotionally outsource” by visiting a counselor or attending a support group. The benefit of seeing a counselor or joining a support group is that the people you will be discussing your feelings are neutral, independent and not involved.

Legal advice

Often parties that are separating will not seek legal advice straight away. While this is common, it can have a serious impact on your future arrangements, especially with regard to children of the marriage. When it comes to custody and parenting arrangements, the law pays particular attention to the routine that you set up for your children post-separation.
The law is loath to upset any well-established pattern of custody and care. So, if the children informally start spending the majority of time with your partner, and only fortnightly weekend visits with you, you might find the courts will refuse to disturb that arrangement down the track.

Seeking legal advice with regard to custody and parenting arrangements is imperative when it appears clear that you and your partner are not going to reconcile. The same goes for property matters. Even though it is hard to face the details of separation straight away, the sooner you get your legal affairs in order, the better.

Stay healthy, busy with work and engage in new activities

Although separation is extremely hard, you will weather it! As hard as it is to be positive, try to see this as a juncture in your life whereby you will renew yourself and start over.

Once the pain and hardship of divorce is over, many people look at the experience and conclude it was a very constructive turning point in their life. Renewing your interest in hobbies, focusing on your health and taking up new past-times are some of the ways you can turn divorce into something very empowering. Like all trauma, separation and divorce can be a period of rebirth.

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A LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP- IS IT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?

I was asked to write an article about long-distance relationships. I personally haven’t had any experience with long-distance relationships, so I was compelled to ask my writing partners/editors what exactly is a long- distance relationship?

Dr. Robby in his past had a couple of long distance relationships and over the years has consulted and counselled many people who have been involved in a long distance love affair. On a regular basis Cucan my editor/publisher and the author of Retrieve a Love is consulted regularly on this question.

By asking the question, I realized that is really the key to finding out if a long-distance relationship is what a personal really wants.

I realized in order to have a healthy, long-distance relationship, both partners need to be on the same page and both of you need to have your needs met otherwise there may be toxicities or deficiencies in the relationship caused by hidden powerstruggles, unfulfilled expectations and/or needs not being met.

The following questions are designed to open communication with your partner as well as yourself to find out if the long-distance relationship is what you really want.

1) WHAT DOES A LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP MEAN TO YOU?

- What does a long-distance relationship mean to your partner?
- Does it mean that you will always have a long-distance relationship with this partner?
- Do you expect to get together with this partner ending the long distance part eventually, if so when? Does you your partner share the same time-line?

If the questions above are not clear between you and your partner, it will inevitably cause powerstruggles and unfulfilled expectations as well as a sense of longing.

2) IS ALL YOUR NEED BEING MET IN THE RELATIONSHIP?

For example, in our Love by Design book which teaches you how to attract your true love, we talk about values, values can be described as something that is important to you. It is something that you are willing to focus on, and put attention and time into in order to maintain.

Our ideas and beliefs about the relative worth of things in our lives are called Values. They are not facts, but choices we have made as we matured. When our actions match our Values, we experience emotional balance; when they don’t match, we feel frustrated and experience emotional imbalance.

Our Values play an integral part in determining the compatibility and success of our relationships. Values are the glue that holds people together. Lack of compatible Values can be the undoing of a relationship.

So for example, if you both have business or work-centred Values, then both of you will be happy and fulfilled having a relationship at distance. However, if one or both of you are relationship centred and crave being one on one every day, you may find the relationship unfulfilling because it is impossible to spend a great deal of time together, (even with excellent long-distance calling plans)

Speaking of long distance calls, another area that is of importance in a relationship are communication modes. The following is a brief description and overview about communication modes.

Communication is the result you get. Different people are on different channels. We learn, we express love and communicate through different modes or combinations of modes. It is important to know who you are playing with, what channel they are playing on or else your communication will not be very effective.

We basically all want to get what we want. If you can not get your message through of what your needs, wants, dreams, goals and visions, you will be very frustrated and stressed. You will feel very empty if you can not communicate the love you have to give the love you want, so an understanding of communication mode love strategies is a basic skill for relationship success.

The following is a very basic definition of the Communication modes. You and your partner can be primarily one mode or a mixture of up to all four.


Visual people communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things.

Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you.

Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood.

Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. They move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activities and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched.

So for a long distance relationship, obviously, an Auditory person will do better than most of the other communication modes, because as long as you are talking with it each you will be fine.

The other communication mode that is easily designed for long distance is Digital, because as long as you connect at a deep level whether that is by phone, email, texting, or letter writing, you will be satisfied. More than likely it is the Digital people who most often develop long distance relationships in the first place.

It is the other two Communication Modes that may not fair as well. Visuals need to do things and see their partners. After a while, or if the long-distance relationship is long term, they will begin to feel unfulfilled. Kinesthetic people need to touch and be touched in order to feel loved, so it’s pretty obvious that over time they will be begin to feel touch deprived and unfulfilled.

3) ARE YOU AT THE SAME COMMMITTMENT LEVEL?

For example, are you still allowed to date other people, or are you not allowed to date anyone else? Do you want to get married? Do you want to have family?

Understanding where you are at as far as commitment is important enough on its own in a relationship, but it is just as important to know where you are in a long-distance relationship so that you do not put your life on hold.

With these questions, it will help you sort out everything that is really going on in your relationship and from there you will be able to tell if it is truly what is that you want in a relationship.