Will My Partner Be Angry If I Am No Longer Codependent in Our Relationship?


A major concern for people who have decided to no longer be codependent in a relationship is that they are afraid that their partners will be angry at them, after all, many people have picked up the codependency cycle in the first place in an attempt to get what they wanted without getting others angry, so they wonder, how by suddenly stopping all things codependent are they going to avoid conflict?

Just to review, codependency simply put is when a person such as yourself chooses to do something for someone in order to try to get something back in return from the other person but what your chose to do may in turn hurt you. It is a condition that results from dysfunctional patterns based on unhealthy relationships.

A certain form of codependency is called caretaking. Caretakers are people who grew up learning and believing that you are good to the extent that you take the responsibility for other people; that it is your responsibility that everybody is happy and successful.

When a person is a codependent or a caretaker they create dependents as well as “takers” and condition the people they are being codependent towards to believe that they (the codependent/caretaker) will do everything for the other person even a their (the codependent/ caretaker’s) own expense.

So the reality is that as a codependent breaks their cycle, the dependent person, such as their partner can and potentially will get angry. The way how they are used to living is suddenly changed and they are no longer getting what they have been getting all along.

Anger is often a sign of loss and the partner may feel loss because they are not getting their way or they feel something is being taken away. They may also be using anger as a control drama, since we have often been conditioned in life that that way that we try to get what we want is to try to control and force other people to do what want them to do.

They may also feel a loss at an energetic level as you are breaking the codependent chord with them even though they wouldn’t be able to pinpoint where this feeling or loss or even abandonment is coming from.





This feeling of abandonment may be even more predominant if the other partner is a Borderliner. Our definition of a Borderliner is a personality disorder that involves a person having a deep seated fear of abandonment.





A Borderliner often reacts strongly to the fear of abandonment, takes extra measures to insure that people don’t abandon them, and often have trouble feeling safe, secure or settled. They will often turn on the people they love to prevent from being hurt or because they are feeling hurt because they feel like they are being abandoned. A person usually becomes a Borderliner when there is been an unresolved traumatic event in their past relating to abandonment.

So if you are no longer codependent, your partner may feel you energetically pulling away. If they are a Borderliner, this may trigger their loneliness and abandonment issues and they will try to hold on to the old Codependency/ Dependency cycle.

So what can be done to deal with potential conflict as you adapt to your new life without codependency? The following is an overview; I will go into further detail after the list.

~ Empathize and validate how your partner is feeling.
~ Love them and their reactions without judgment.
~ Tell them that you unconditionally love them and although it may feel like they are being abandoned, you will never abandon them.
~ Accept that your partner may need some time to adapt to the new you.
~ Picture your partner as whole, healthy and independent.

Empathize and validate how your partner is feeling:

No matter how unreasonable or selfish your partner may appear, the way how they are feeling is real. Explain to them that you understand that they feel a sense of loss, abandonment, even betrayed because you have conditioned your partner to expect certain things from you and all of a sudden you have decided to change the game on them.

Also, explain that you understand that this is a big change in their life, and although you may not be able to do everything that they want you do anymore, you do support their transition and their need to adapt to a new way of living.

Validating how your partner is feeling also prevents them from trying to pump up the control dramas and create even more conflict.

~ Love them and their reactions without judgment:

~ It is important to love and not be in resistance to your partner’s reactions.

Our society for the most part does not teach us how to express and support our feelings or how to resolve how we feel when we are upset. Then add to that most people are seated in the Competitive Adversarial Paradigm; people have been taught that the way you try to get you needs met is by trying to force people.


Most common way is through control dramas such as yelling, screaming, crying, threatening, take-aways or guilt. When these factors are all combined it is not hard to imagine why when a person is upset and not getting what they want, they will use conflictual techniques to try and get what they want.



The person just doesn’t know any alternative ways until they come across it themselves or someone else teaches it to them.

So by loving your partner’s reactions and understanding that they are using control dramas, the control dramas have no control or power over you.

Tell them that you unconditionally love them and although it may feel like they are being abandoned, you are not abandoning them:

In addition to validating your partner for the feelings they may have that we already have mentioned, it is very important for you to explain that you understand that they may feel abandoned and feel a sense of loss, then assure them that you are not abandoning them and that you love them unconditionally.

The feeling of abandonment and loss is largely at an energetic level, so unless you bring this up yourself they may not be able to verbalize or recognize what they are feeling.

Accept that your partner may need some time to adapt to the new you:

The reality is that when a person decides to no longer be codependent or a caretaker it becomes a transition point or a point of change. The degree of how smooth a transition or change in life is will be dependent on how flexible and open to change a person is, not only of the change for themselves, but how flexible they are to the other partner’s adaptation to change as well.

Picture your partner as whole, healthy and independent:

In our Minibook on Codependency called “Do You Still Love Me? (hop on to Love By Design for more details) We have a little exercise to assist codependent people in breaking the codependency and caretaking cycle by picturing the person you are breaking the cycle with as being a whole, healthy and independent person.

This same exercise can be used to assist your partner in the healing process as they heal from the chord that has been cut between the two of you and as the your partner adapts to having to take responsibility for themselves instead of you doing whatever it was that you were doing for them before that wasn’t in your highest and best interest.

The important thing to remember is that even if there is a little bit of conflict, it will smooth out over time especially the more loving, accepting and open to your partner’s transition you are and what you will have in the end is an authentic life that will be happy and healthy and as perfect as your authentic self.



~ Melody Chase
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Can Constant Changes Cause Damage To a Relationship? The Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Story

Lately in entertainment news there has been a lot of speculation as to whether Brad Pitt can handle the constant changes that are happening while being in a relationship with Angelina Jolie.

Angelina is constantly traveling with her humanitarian work, often with her children, both her and Brad have moved several times, she has recently adopted another little boy even after just having a baby of her own with Brad not even a year ago and both Angelina and Brad are always involved in new movie projects.

A major life change or event can be stressful on its own, but when there is several going on, on a continuousness basis as it is in the life of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, many people are wondering if the couple is going to be able to hang in there, especially speculations of whether Brad came keep up with Angelina Jolie.

The answer is yes; their relationship can remain strong if they have as many as they can of the following factors when it comes to a relationship that has continuous change in it.

I will go over each in turn.

1) If both partners signed up for the same vision:

If one partner went in to a relationship thinking that they were going to settle down, have children, get a 9-5 job and live in the same house for the next 50 years, but the other partner want to the travel the world, have four separate homes that they visit all year around and adopt 5 children one right after the other, there is definitely going to be powerstruggles and one partner is definitely going to have a lot more of job adjusting to all the changes that they were not expecting to have in the relationship.

In the case of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt chances are they did have the same vision to start off with in the relationship, Brad seen the type of lifestyle and vision Angelina lived and agreed to join her vision. So at least from that aspect, he wouldn’t be in as much resistance to their constantly changing lives as opposed to someone who didn’t know what they were getting themselves into.

2) If they have a high ability to adapt to change and a high level of flexibility towards change:

Certain personalities and combinations of personalities do not adapt to change as easily as other people. For example an Amiable personality is someone who likes harmony, routine and has the hardest time adapting to change as other personalities.

If Brad was completely an Amiable he wouldn’t have lasted more than a few months into their relationship. Analytical personalities who are into rules, regulations and like doing things in a certain order, step by step would also have trouble if a lot of things in their life is constantly changing with no rhyme or reason.

The personality that adapts the easiest to change is an Expressive personality who is into spontaneity, freedom and fun. Since Brad is an actor, it is guaranteed that there is at least some Expressive personality in him, so he will be able to adapt to change easier than most personalities.

Regardless of a person’s personalities, a person’s openness to change goes a long way as well. Even an Amiable personality if they approach change as more of adventure instead of a threat can go a lot further towards being able to handle a lot of change in a relationship.

3) If both partners have the ability to respect the adaptation period for change of the other partner:

Another important factor to the success of a couple that has a lot of change in their life is both partners’ ability to respect the adaptation period of the other person. If they understand that the other partner doesn’t adapt as quickly as them, they may try slowing the amount of change down a bit to help the other partner catch up, and at the very least understand that the other person needs to adapt so they are not in judgment of them or try to force them to do something before they are ready.

Otherwise if they don’t, there will be powerstruggles and resentment from both partners as they are not getting their needs met.

In the case of Angelina Jolie, the entertainment gossip always assumes that Angelina Jolie is making all these decisions and major life changes without Brad’s consent. However, considering everything that they have been through so far, from traveling, to adopting, to having their own child to even Angelina’s Mother recently passing away, if Brad didn’t have a say in anything and if Angelina wasn’t aware if he had any needs in regards to adapting to change, then they wouldn’t have lasted this far.

So will Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt continue with having a successful relationship or are the media’s assumptions about the potential of their relationship breaking down a possible reality? Time will tell, however, if they have any of the factors that we have discussed in this article, then they will have a very good chance of continuing a happy, healthy relationship and family together.

~ Melody Chase

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What Happened to Britney Spears? Part 3

In Part Two of What Happened to Britney Spears we talked about Theory # 2 An Expressive Personality Rebound, now for Part Three we will talk about Theory # 3, A Pattern, possibly a family pattern.

Theory #3 – A Pattern, possibly a family pattern.

Last but not least, Britney and K-fed may have been caught in a pattern together. In order to explain a pattern, we need to explain the subconscious mind. Wikipedia describes the notion of the subconscious to be” the deepest level of consciousness, that individuals are not directly aware of, but still affects conscious behavior.”

More important than what it actually is, is what it does and how it affects our conscious behavior. The subconscious mind is a broadcaster; it is also the keeper of emotions, the keeper of memories and the keeper of habits and patterns. The subconscious mind is also the keeper of all energies. It is just a field, it is like a hard drive on your computer and like how a hard-drive stores and runs programs that you download into your computer, your subconscious mind stores and runs a collection of patterns and programs it that it is imprinted with.

How it develops it’s collection of patterns or programs is that the subconscious mind is very impressionable, it absorbs emotions and memories and events and traumas, it then broadcasts these emotions, memories, events and trauma in their energy form(since everything is made up of energy). Then because of the Law of Attraction, we will draw in people, places, things, events and emotions that are vibrating at that same level of energy that will cause patterns and programs to form and/ or repeat itself.

The Law of Attraction is a Universal Law that states that like attracts like and we will draw into are life what ever energy or vibration that we are vibrating at.

Since the Subconscious mind works like the hard-drive in a computer, when a pattern has been installed, it will continue to play over and over again until the pattern is uninstalled and replaced with a new pattern.

Often these patterns are self destructive and dysfunctional which will affect the person and the person’s family as well as passing these self destructive and dysfunctional patterns on to their own children by the children’s own subconscious mind absorbing the person’s patterns by being in their environment. So even if the child has made a conscious effort to not repeat the behaviors of their parents that they are consciously aware of and have observed, if they have absorbed the pattern, it needs to be taken out of their subconscious mind and replaced with another pattern otherwise the pattern is still running under the radar, they will still find themselves repeating the patterns of their parents much to their disappointment and frustration.

There are highest and best patterns and patterns that are not in your highest and best.

Often two peoples’ patterns will fit hand and glove together. If it is a negative pattern or a not a highest and best pattern for both people involved (regardless of what the actual pattern is) they will often feel stuck, their careers come to a halt (even if they are on Dharma) and people around them are often not in approval of what they are doing or who they are together with.

This definitely may have happened for both Britney and Kevin. Both were constant media fodder, Britney’s career was put on hold, Kevin’s rapping career stalled and both developed an overall negative view among society.

For Britney, now since they are on their way to divorce, is still getting quite a lot of fallout, however for Kevin, people appear to be seeing be seeing him in a new light. He has cleaned up in appearance, interviewers are even saying he’s an o.k. guy and I predict an acting career in his future.

However, for Britney, I have a feeling that as she returns to her dharma, (she’s working on her new album) she will have a comeback also. Hopefully, if there is a negative pattern, she will recognize it, and find ways on how to embrace, let go and develop a new highest and best pattern for herself. In the meantime returning to her dharma while learning how to be free is what will be highest and best for her.

~ Melody Chase

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