How To Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Ex- Partner - Part 1

At our LMC Relationship Centre we had a question from a man (who we will call Paul for the purposes of our article) who was in a really difficult and sticky relationship situation.

Paul had divorced his wife (who we will call Danielle) and his wife Danielle was in a new relationship.

However, Paul and Danielle were still enmeshed with each other because of several factors including:

1. That they share custody of their children.
   
2. They were used of being each other’s support system during crisis situations and both of them were having a period of crisis with relatives so they were naturally still drawn to support each other.
3. They still had romantic and/or sexual chemistry together.

The enmeshment causing factors wasn’t bothering Danielle because she was in another relationship but this was driving Paul crazy especially knowing the Danielle was with someone else.

Paul didn't know how to sever ties with Danielle - he had to share the children and was so used to being there for Danielle and Danielle’s family that Paul couldn't fathom not supporting Danielle emotionally anymore and no longer receiving emotional support from Danielle as well.

Paul was afraid it was only a matter of time before he was going to give in and want to be in a relationship with Danielle again or worse yet end up having an affair with Danielle.

So whether you are in a situation like Paul or Danielle and especially when there are other people involved like children and new partners, it is only fair to everyone involved to learn ways on how to break the enmeshment and create new, healthy boundaries.

So we have developed some practical suggestions on how to create boundaries which include:

1) Having a Letting Go Ceremony

2) Creating Boundaries

3) Seeking Support Elsewhere

4) Reminding Yourself It Is An Abundant World

I have split this article into a 4 Part Series so we can go over in more detail each of the suggestions above.

For Part 1 of our Series let’s go over ‘Having a Letting Go Ceremony'.

1) Having A Letting Go Ceremony:

In another article I wrote I talked about the importance of being able to let go of your ex-partner and offered some exercises that can help symbolically cut the ties emotionally, physically, intellectually and even energically between you and your ex-partner. These same exercises can be applied here in the case of mutual enmeshment. It may sound simplistic but do not underestimate the power of putting on a production- this is why all cultures have symbolic ceremonies such as weddings, funerals and graduations to name a few.

So some creative ways to have a “Letting Go Ceremony” in order to symbolically let your relationship go would be writing a good-bye letter. A letter is also a good way to get anything that is unresolved about the relationship that you need to get off your chest.

If it doesn't feel right to give the letter to you ex-partner, you can always burn it or bury it like Ugly Betty did with her ex-boyfriend Henry's things that they shared together at the beginning of the T.V. Series Ugly Betty Season Two. You can take anything that represents your relationship to symbolically dispose of as well.

In Part 2 of our 4 Part Series we will be discussing the importance of creating boundaries.

If you have any questions, you can email us at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Is He or She Your Destiny?

If You Are Looking For a Proven System to Help You Decide Whether You Should Stay or Go In Your Relationship? Check-out our Love By Design Program Now at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

Do You Know How To Tell If Your Partner Is Into You?

Dr. Robby (Director of the Centre For Life Mamagement ) recently did a short radio interview with Winnipeg Radio Personality Laurie Lancaster about the Movie “He’s Just Not That Into You.” (Produced by Flower Films 2008, Directed by Ken Kwapis, Written by Abby Kohn & Marc Silverstein)

Although Dr. Robby and I have not seen the movie yet, Dr. Robby did explain that not recognizing that the person you are seeing is into you is not only a female thing but a male thing as well.

I recently was answering a reader’s question from the Counsellor in a Box Ask The Wizard Series and Blog (http://www.counsellorinabox.com ) about how to tell whether someone truly loves you and how to get your partner to admit to that you that he/she loves you.

In my answer I explained that many people may think that the only way to say that they love someone is to actually say “I love You” but everyone has their own way of expressing or showing how they love someone, plus the way how each partner says or shows love to each others may be interpreted differently by each partner.

So in order to truly find out if your partner loves you or to make sure you are not missing your partner’s attempts of expressing that he or she loves you is to learn about what we call Communication Modes.

It is through studying Communication Modes that you can also find out whether the person you are seeing or dating is in to you or not with or without verbal confirmation.

So for this article I’m going to give a brief description of the four types of Communication Modes, how people can give indications as to whether they are in to you through their Communication Modes and then some tips as to how to spot whether your partner or the person you are dating is into you or not using the Communication Modes as a guide.

The following is a quote from Dr. Robby from our Counsellor in a Box (http://www.counsellorinabox.com ) Mini-book about Communication Modes:

“Communication is the result you get. Different people are on different channels. We learn, we express love and communicate through different channels or modality love strategies (modes for short) or combinations of modes.”

“It is important to know who you are playing with and what channel they are playing on, or else your communication will not be very effective.”

So not only is an understanding of communication modes or love strategies a basic skill for relationship success it is also important in order to help you determine whether your partner is expressing love for you or in the early stages of a new relationship whether your partner is in to you or not.

In the paragraph above, I mentioned Love Strategies - there is an article by Bob Scheinfeld about Love Strategies that he had learned from Tony Robbin’s “Three Days to Unlimited Power Program.” In Bob Scheinfeld’s article, he explains how a person in each communication mode would like to be loved.

Bob Scheinfeld has an explanation for Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic people; however, he has left out the Digitals, so we have added some information on Digitals to his explanation.

There are 4 main Communication Modes and a person can be a blend of 1, 2, 3 or all 4 and some Communication Modes may be stronger than others.

Visual Communication Mode: Visual people communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things. They learn by seeing and doing.

People who are in the Visual love strategy need to “see” that you love them. “Seeing” takes the form of receiving flowers or gifts and/or seeing you do unexpected thoughtful acts for them (like a special romantic evening or getaway, a massage, a day of pampering, etc.). People with this strategy need to see “evidence” or “proof.”

If you partner is Visual, he or she may think you are as well and will be showing you love or that he or she is into you by doing any of the love strategies above for you.

Has your partner being doing any of the above strategies with or for you?

Auditory Communication Mode: Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab and are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words “I love you”. They learn by hearing.

People with the Auditory love strategy need to hear the words “I love you” (or similar words) to feel totally and completely loved. The also want to connect through conversation. Talk, talk, and more talk.

Depending how far into your relationship you are, it may be too early for your partner to actually say “I Love You” however does he/she seek out conversation with you and always loves to chat with you? He/she may be not emotionally comfortable yet or it may be too early into the relationship to actually tell you that he/she loves you, but he may be trying to express that he/she is into you in a round about way by wanting to talk with you all the time.

Does your partner want to talk with you all the time?

Kinesthetic Communication Mode: Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. They move, feel and express through their bodies and love doing physical activities. Kinesthetics love to touch and are very touchy-feely. They feel loved when they are touched.

They learn through touch and through experience. People with the Kinesthetic love strategy need to be touched in certain ways or in certain places to feel totally and completely loved. It might be massaging the scalp a certain way, kissing a certain spot under the neck, rubbing an ear just so, etc. It should be noted that this strategy rarely if ever involves touch of a sexual nature.

If your partners loves you or is in to you he/she will want to touch you and be touching you all the time but not in a sexual way, he/she may want to hold hands, snuggle close, touch you face or your hair all the time, in a natural comforting way.

Does your partner want to touch you all the time?

Digital Communication Mode: Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. They find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood. They learn by understanding.

Digitals seek to understand and to be understood in order to feel loved. They would like to connect with their partner at an emotional, intellectual and spiritual level.

If your partner is Digital and loves you or is in to you he/she will want to connect with you all the time, he/she will want to understand you and seek to understand you.

Does your partner want to connect with you and understand you?

So our article may not be as entertaining as the “He’s Just Not That Into You Movie” however the more information you have the more aware you can be as to what is truly going on in your relationship,

For more information on Communication Modes, especially on how to find out what yours and your partner’s communication modes are - check-out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Plus

Are You Looking For The Perfect Gift For Your Partner On Valentine’s Day? Check-out my favorite Valentine’s article from our past Valentine’s Day called “The Art of Gift-Giving: How To Give Your Partner The Perfect Gift For Valentine's Day” at http://lovebydesignbook.blogspot.com/2008_02_01_archive.html

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Melody Chase