Is Your Partner's Nickname "Bamm-Bamm Rubble" From The Flinstones? If So, Here Are The Top Five Tips For Dealing With The Adult Tantrum.
By Melody Chase
People want what they want in the way they want it and will do what they know or have been taught on how to get what they want either consciously or unconsciously. Sometimes the way people may try getting their needs and wants met is through having tantrums.
However there may be other factors going on that may encourage the tantrums as well, so before we go write-off our partners or other adults in our lives that have tantrums, we need to seek to understand why they are doing what they do.
So the following are 5 possible reasons for the “Adult Tantrum.”
1) It’s the Only Way They Know on How To Get Their Needs Met: Many people who have tantrums may have learned, picked up or absorbed this way of trying to get their needs met, usually from early childhood and early caregivers in their lives. Often this tantrum is what is called a control drama.
A control drama is a way or technique that people use to try to get what they want which often causes conflict and is usually learned or developed unconsciously. Although the ways that people are using control dramas may appear to work for them in the moment, often it doesn’t achieve their goals and causes damage in the relationship.
Common control dramas include crying, yelling, screaming, hurting themselves, (consciously or unconsciously) breaking things or throwing things or even criticism or guilt-tripping.
Your partner may be choosing to use control dramas either consciously, because it is all he or she knows or unconsciously and are just going on automatic pilot.
What you can do as the witness or the partner of the control drama king or queen is not to judge him or her, just allow your partner to be who he/she is, understanding that your partner either does not know what he/she is doing or is choosing to do so because he/she doesn’t know of any other way to get his/her needs met.
The next most important thing is while acknowledging your partner’s needs and his/her tantrum, understand that it is a control drama and do not give in to him or her all because your partner is trying to be dramatic and intense in order get you to do what he/she want you to do.
Lastly, as a couple, offer to go for Communication and Conflict Resolution Classes or Courses or read some books together so both of you can learn alternate ways on how to get each other’s needs met, but do it together so it doesn’t look like it is your partner who has the problem.
2) People Have Learned That Life is all About Survival: Similar to people who use control dramas, most people have been taught to believe that they need to fight, struggle and be aggressive because they have been conditioned to believe that the world is not abundant and there is limited resources so in order to strive they have fight, it is either win or lose in life.
In a case like this, one of the best ways to deal with an aggressive partner, who flips his or her lid, is not to react or retaliate back, be a silent role model of how one gets their needs met without being aggressive. I don’t mean ignore your partner, but just don’t up the ante to your partner’s level if you are having a disagreement or a discussion or not getting what you want.
It’s really hard to have a big argument with someone if you are not fueling the fire, eventually your partner will defuse because he or she is not getting any resistance from you.
3) They have a Trigger: When a person has an unresolved emotional wound, usually from childhood, what often happens is that they will be “triggered” when something reminds them or makes them feel like they did when they had the original emotional wound happen to them.
You can tell if a person has been triggered because they will overreact way out of proportion to the situation at hand.
For example, your partner was ignored by his/her parents as a child, and today you didn’t respond to your partner’s question because you didn’t hear him/her and he/she go off they deep-end thinking that you are intentionally ignoring him or her.
So your partner needs to release and heal the original emotional wound. Your partner can get therapy of course, but you can also talk with him/her and ask him/her what other time in his/her life did he/she feel the way he/she does when he/she has been triggered.
Having you listen and be a witness to your partner’s pain, and especially if you can validate and empathize with him or her, that may be enough for him/her to be able to heal and no longer be triggered anymore.
In the meantime, if you know what your partner’s trigger is, try not to antagonize him or her with it.
4) Their Personality Is More Pre-dispositioned To Getting Angry or Blowing Up: There are many different types of personality styles and ways of testing personalities, but for the purposes of this article, let’s talk about two types of personalities that are more prone to be emotional or flipping their lids known as Driver Personalities and Expressive Personalities.
Just a brief explanation, Driver Personality people are bottom-line, aggressive people who like results, tasks, control, dominance and authority. They are independent, goal-oriented, bossy, and sometimes even rude.
Expressive people are emotionally based, love people, dominant and friendly, love freedom and appreciation, approval, centre stage, change their minds a lot, are charming, humorous and fun. They have excellent people skills.
Drivers get especially upset if they are taken off task and if their A-B is disrupted, plus because they are what is called a task-centred personality versus people-centred, meaning tasks come first before people, they really aren’t focused or concerned if they offend or make other people upset. They are also a dominant personality, so they are more likely to use control dramas.
Then the Expressive personality, even though they are people-centred, are the Control drama kings and queens because they understand people, are very influencing, emotional, where their hearts on their sleeves and need their freedom, so they will react strongly when things aren’t going their way.
So once again, you need to love and allow your partner to be who he/she is instead of being in judgment of his/her personality, and when you can, try to assist your Driver partner in accomplishing his/her tasks and getting from point A-B and if your partner is Expressive, love him/her for who he/she is, compliment him/her and give your partner as much freedom and fun as you can.
5) They May Have a Medical Condition or Have a Low Frustration Level: An adult having a tantrum may also have a medical condition or be physically or mentally exhausted.
I walked around for years having Hypoglycemia without being aware of having it, until this one point in my life were I started having too much processed foods and refined sugar.
It caused my sugar to go out of whack and to my surprise (since I am usually a mellow and gentle person) I became a raving maniac when my sugar was plunging and there wasn’t anything I could do until I got my sugar up. Ask any Diabetic who would have the same problem and they’ll tell you what I am talking about.
As well, a person may snap if they are under a lot of continuous stress and if their nerves are frayed, they may not be as resilient as they used to be which can lead to low frustration levels.
You can’t force your partner to change his/her diet or lifestyle, but you can keep an eye out for him/her to see if he/she has eaten.
Often once someone’s sugar’s plunged and they are already really upset and angry they are not focused or interested in eating so you have to keep an eye out for them and encourage them to eat or help get them food or something to drink or help prepare food.
If you are arguing, step back and let them eat and resume your discussion at a later time - it is in both of your best interest.
Same thing for if you see your partner struggling on his/her last nerve either support him/her or give your partner some space, nothing is going to get resolved if your partner is having a tantrum for either of you.
As I always say, people always do things for a reason. When we give people the benefit of the doubt and seek to understand we can support and resolve both the people in our lives including our partner’s needs and our own needs with ease and comfort.
However there may be other factors going on that may encourage the tantrums as well, so before we go write-off our partners or other adults in our lives that have tantrums, we need to seek to understand why they are doing what they do.
So the following are 5 possible reasons for the “Adult Tantrum.”
1) It’s the Only Way They Know on How To Get Their Needs Met: Many people who have tantrums may have learned, picked up or absorbed this way of trying to get their needs met, usually from early childhood and early caregivers in their lives. Often this tantrum is what is called a control drama.
A control drama is a way or technique that people use to try to get what they want which often causes conflict and is usually learned or developed unconsciously. Although the ways that people are using control dramas may appear to work for them in the moment, often it doesn’t achieve their goals and causes damage in the relationship.
Common control dramas include crying, yelling, screaming, hurting themselves, (consciously or unconsciously) breaking things or throwing things or even criticism or guilt-tripping.
Your partner may be choosing to use control dramas either consciously, because it is all he or she knows or unconsciously and are just going on automatic pilot.
What you can do as the witness or the partner of the control drama king or queen is not to judge him or her, just allow your partner to be who he/she is, understanding that your partner either does not know what he/she is doing or is choosing to do so because he/she doesn’t know of any other way to get his/her needs met.
The next most important thing is while acknowledging your partner’s needs and his/her tantrum, understand that it is a control drama and do not give in to him or her all because your partner is trying to be dramatic and intense in order get you to do what he/she want you to do.
Lastly, as a couple, offer to go for Communication and Conflict Resolution Classes or Courses or read some books together so both of you can learn alternate ways on how to get each other’s needs met, but do it together so it doesn’t look like it is your partner who has the problem.
2) People Have Learned That Life is all About Survival: Similar to people who use control dramas, most people have been taught to believe that they need to fight, struggle and be aggressive because they have been conditioned to believe that the world is not abundant and there is limited resources so in order to strive they have fight, it is either win or lose in life.
In a case like this, one of the best ways to deal with an aggressive partner, who flips his or her lid, is not to react or retaliate back, be a silent role model of how one gets their needs met without being aggressive. I don’t mean ignore your partner, but just don’t up the ante to your partner’s level if you are having a disagreement or a discussion or not getting what you want.
It’s really hard to have a big argument with someone if you are not fueling the fire, eventually your partner will defuse because he or she is not getting any resistance from you.
3) They have a Trigger: When a person has an unresolved emotional wound, usually from childhood, what often happens is that they will be “triggered” when something reminds them or makes them feel like they did when they had the original emotional wound happen to them.
You can tell if a person has been triggered because they will overreact way out of proportion to the situation at hand.
For example, your partner was ignored by his/her parents as a child, and today you didn’t respond to your partner’s question because you didn’t hear him/her and he/she go off they deep-end thinking that you are intentionally ignoring him or her.
So your partner needs to release and heal the original emotional wound. Your partner can get therapy of course, but you can also talk with him/her and ask him/her what other time in his/her life did he/she feel the way he/she does when he/she has been triggered.
Having you listen and be a witness to your partner’s pain, and especially if you can validate and empathize with him or her, that may be enough for him/her to be able to heal and no longer be triggered anymore.
In the meantime, if you know what your partner’s trigger is, try not to antagonize him or her with it.
4) Their Personality Is More Pre-dispositioned To Getting Angry or Blowing Up: There are many different types of personality styles and ways of testing personalities, but for the purposes of this article, let’s talk about two types of personalities that are more prone to be emotional or flipping their lids known as Driver Personalities and Expressive Personalities.
Just a brief explanation, Driver Personality people are bottom-line, aggressive people who like results, tasks, control, dominance and authority. They are independent, goal-oriented, bossy, and sometimes even rude.
Expressive people are emotionally based, love people, dominant and friendly, love freedom and appreciation, approval, centre stage, change their minds a lot, are charming, humorous and fun. They have excellent people skills.
Drivers get especially upset if they are taken off task and if their A-B is disrupted, plus because they are what is called a task-centred personality versus people-centred, meaning tasks come first before people, they really aren’t focused or concerned if they offend or make other people upset. They are also a dominant personality, so they are more likely to use control dramas.
Then the Expressive personality, even though they are people-centred, are the Control drama kings and queens because they understand people, are very influencing, emotional, where their hearts on their sleeves and need their freedom, so they will react strongly when things aren’t going their way.
So once again, you need to love and allow your partner to be who he/she is instead of being in judgment of his/her personality, and when you can, try to assist your Driver partner in accomplishing his/her tasks and getting from point A-B and if your partner is Expressive, love him/her for who he/she is, compliment him/her and give your partner as much freedom and fun as you can.
5) They May Have a Medical Condition or Have a Low Frustration Level: An adult having a tantrum may also have a medical condition or be physically or mentally exhausted.
I walked around for years having Hypoglycemia without being aware of having it, until this one point in my life were I started having too much processed foods and refined sugar.
It caused my sugar to go out of whack and to my surprise (since I am usually a mellow and gentle person) I became a raving maniac when my sugar was plunging and there wasn’t anything I could do until I got my sugar up. Ask any Diabetic who would have the same problem and they’ll tell you what I am talking about.
As well, a person may snap if they are under a lot of continuous stress and if their nerves are frayed, they may not be as resilient as they used to be which can lead to low frustration levels.
You can’t force your partner to change his/her diet or lifestyle, but you can keep an eye out for him/her to see if he/she has eaten.
Often once someone’s sugar’s plunged and they are already really upset and angry they are not focused or interested in eating so you have to keep an eye out for them and encourage them to eat or help get them food or something to drink or help prepare food.
If you are arguing, step back and let them eat and resume your discussion at a later time - it is in both of your best interest.
Same thing for if you see your partner struggling on his/her last nerve either support him/her or give your partner some space, nothing is going to get resolved if your partner is having a tantrum for either of you.
As I always say, people always do things for a reason. When we give people the benefit of the doubt and seek to understand we can support and resolve both the people in our lives including our partner’s needs and our own needs with ease and comfort.
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Labels: anger management, communication, couples, love, relationship advice, relationship tips
posted by TrueLoveOnDemand @ 6:40 PM
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