Start Your Relationship Anew For Valentine’s Day!

Are you and your partner having relationship difficulties and the last thing on your mind that you feel like doing is celebrating Valentine’s Day?

Well, I may have a suggestion as to how and why to celebrate Valentine’s Day in a way like you may never have thought of before.

If you are having relationship difficulties and you feel like your relationship has ground to a stand-still – why not use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to re-start or start your relationship anew and see your romantic night out or cozy night at home together as the very first date of your new relationship and life together.

At our Centre For Life Management/LMC Relationship Centre we talk about how often when couples have a lot of deficiencies or toxicities in their relationship that after a while all the life gets sucked out of the relationship and the relationship starts spiraling down until it comes to a standstill and there is no where else for the relationship itself to go like a spiral circling inwards.

So what happens when you have no where else to go in the center of the Spiral? Your only choice is to turn around and start traveling outwards and the benefit of this is that a spiral going outwards has room to spiral out to infinity.

A Relationship has this same opportunity when the couple realizes that the direction and choices that they are making in the relationship is taking them to a dead end so all they have to do to start over is to do the opposite of whatever they are currently doing and choosing to do.

The best way to get this process started is by bringing the old relationship including the rules, agreements, expectations and habits to an end in order to start a fresh, clean foundation upon which to create new rules, agreements, expectations/preferences and habits that are functional, life enhancing, inspiring and creates a mutual fulfillment of needs for both partners since relationships are a mutual fulfillment of needs.

Another benefit of ending the original relationship as well is that no one can blame their partners anymore for what they are not getting or getting too much of in the relationship since the old ways are no longer in effect.

Your relationship is a brand new relationship, so just as you wouldn’t bring the baggage or issues about an Ex into your new relationship, you no longer need to bring up and focus on the issues of the past with your partner, unless it can be used as a contrast effect or as a sign-post towards what you do want in your new relationship or simply for healing or closure purposes otherwise the past is the past and you have a brand new relationship to create together.

So why use Valentine’s Day as a launching pad or starting point for your new relationship?

You want to symbolically and energetically release your old relationship so what better symbolic celebration than one that is based on the promise of everlasting love and hope of the relationship and life of your dreams as well as the celebration of the love you already share with your partner – past, present and future.

So some suggestions for closing of the old relationship and beginning of a new one are:

Making a toast over dinner – toasting to the end of the old relationship and a toast to the new relationship and new beginnings.

Replacing your old set of rings with a new set of rings,

Writing on a piece of paper “Old Relationship” then ripping up, burying, burning and throwing the paper away and then write on a new piece of paper “New Relationship” and have both of you sign the paper then frame it or keep it with you all the time or throw out, bury, burn etc anything that has a symbolic meaning to the both of you and then choose something new to symbolize your new relationship.

Go for a walk together and crossover a bridge representing crossing over into a new relationship.

Re-write new vows and read them to each other.

Even renew your marriage or get remarried – anything that is creative, symbolic, meaningful and romantic for the two of you.

So the first step then is to end your old relationship, the 2nd is to celebrate the beginning of your new relationship.

From there you will begin your journey of discovery to find out what relationship systems work and are functional, healthy, and life enhancing for the two of you such as our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program (http://www.counsellorinabox.com ) that helps couples to re-build their relationship based on a foundation created out of the understanding of the uniqueness of you and your partner and how to not only find out what each of your unique Requirements, Needs and Wants are but how to give these unique Requirements, Needs and Wants to your partner.

If you have any questions about how to end and/or begin the Rebuilding Process of your Relationship you can contact Dr. Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Happy Valentine’s Day! Speaking of Valentine’s Day we are having a 50% Off Valentine’s Day Sale From Feb 14^th 9:00am EST to Feb 20 Midnight EST for Our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program - Click On The Link Below To Purchase and/or For More Information: http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Toxic Communication: How To Tell If You Are A Toxic Communicator - Part Two

In Part One of our Toxic Communication: How To Tell If You Are A Toxic Communicator we discussed six ways of being a toxic communicator.

Now for Part Two let’s cover the next six ways of being a Toxic Communicator then I’ll give some suggestions on what to do if you are a Toxic Communicator yourself.

7) Negative Intent Implicator:

This is more of a feeling that your partner is going to pick up from you where you are basically accusing your partner of having a negative intent - this accusation is felt when you ask questions of your partner such as "When are you going to do___? Why aren't you doing _? Did you do this yet?

In these cases the underlying assumption is that you believe that your partner has no intent of doing what is being asked of him/her instead of being patient, trusting or giving him/her the benefit of the doubt.

Often you may be even more direct in blaming or accusing your partner by saying you did this or you didn't do that without checking things out first with open curiosity and the assumption that he/she has a positive intent and/or just waiting it out to see if he/she does what she or he has been asked, offered or agreed to do.

8) The Intensity Over-driver:

Check your body language, your level of emotional intensity, your tone and facial expression - basically are you too scary to have a conversation with? If you don't believe that any of these factors can make it an uncomfortable experience for your partner and your partner is just being overly sensitive then have your partner hold up a video camera towards you the next time you are in an intense discussion and then play back the video to get an idea of what it is like from the perspective of your partner.

9) Psychic Vampirism:

You may be a Psychic Vampire in the area of communication and not even know it. Psychic Vampires feel that they need to take other people's energy or at least prevent others from expressing their own energy thinking at some level that there is not enough energy to go around and that their partner is going to steal their energy if they don't steal their partner's energy first.

So the Psychic or Energy Vampire will use disempowerment, control dramas, aggressiveness and powerful negative emotions like guilt and shame to break their partner down and not only take the wind out of their partner's sails but take this energy for themselves.

Most people are not aware that they are Psychic Vampires, they have picked it up from a competitive adversarial society and paradigm where there is a lack of resources and one must fight for the limited resources or else they will perish - it is a fight for life and survival even at the expense of someone they love.

So just to check, do you ever feel uncomfortable when your partner is happy and excited about something and is throwing out positive energy but once you verbally knock your partner down a few pegs you feel much more comfortable, at ease and invigorated? If so you may be a Psychic and /or energy vampire.

10)The Constant Complainer:

Every time you see your partner the first thing that pops out of your mouth is a complaint or something negative, this includes making noises such as sighs, grumbles and ouches.

These complaints can be about your partner, what you are thinking or feeling or something that happens to you or with others. Often it is so automatic the negativity doesn’t even match the situation. It is like your partner comes home and says “Hi” and your response is “Oh my back hurts” or “You didn’t take out the garbage”

In our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Course (http://www.counsellorinabox.com) we talk about the 7 Principles of Relationship Success and Principle #3 is about being Responsible For Having a Positive Emotional Upstate.

This is a Principle because too much negativity creates toxicity and impresses your partner to associate you with something that is negative and painful. People, including your partner will either want to move away from pain or move towards pleasure – either way it won’t be towards you if you are negative all the time.

This by the way is one of the major reasons why partners have affairs because they find someone who is pleasant and is in a positive upstate most of the time which is so much easier and enjoyable to be around.

11) The Invalidator/Mismatcher:

Often unconscious of what they are doing, this type of communicator is invalidating you in order to be right all the time or mismatching you because he/she is not interested in anyone’s information until he/she has had time to think it through and decide if he/she wants to agree or not.

If you are an Invalidator/Mismatcher, even if your partner’s facts are correct you are going to mismatch anyway - your partner would say “The Grass is Green” and you will say no it not, even if you know that your partner is correct - you just have to urge to disagree.

I know Mismatchers and they can be quite annoying, it will be like the Mismatcher will ask “Who is that actress that stars in Pretty Woman?”

I’ll answer by saying “Julia Roberts”

The Mismatcher will say “No… but she is also in Erin Brockovich.”

I’ll say “Yes, you mean Julia Roberts”

The Mismatcher will then say “No. Let me think, she was also in Mystic Pizza – I know Julia Roberts.”

I’ll say “That’s what I said Julia Roberts”

Does this sound familiar? Be honest.

12) The Ante-upper:

For Ante-uppers, they can’t seem to be satisfied with anything coming to a close or a finish, so it feels to their partner like a conversation or any area of discussion will never be finished.

If you are an Ante-upper your partner begins to feel discouraged and disheartened because there never seems to be an end in sight no matter what he/she does to resolve the issue at hand.

It would be like your partner says “I took the garbage out.”

You respond by saying “Yeah but you didn’t put the bag in and the garbage bins need to be organized.”

Or you complain all the time that your partner doesn’t listen, so now your partner is listening and your partner even says “I’m listening”

Your response is: “Yes, but now I need you to talk more.”

Part Three – If You Are a Toxic Communicator…

The main purpose of this article is awareness and understanding so you can recognize if you are a Toxic Communicator.

Now if you have discovered that you are Toxic Communicator here are a couple of suggestions for dealing with being a Toxic Communicator:

Give your partner the courtesy of saying that you would like to talk and that you need to clarify something then state the topic, give an estimated length of time for the talk and ask if it is a good time for the discussion.

If your partner says yes, honor both the time and the topic that you stated you are going to talk about and not switch topics.

If you want to change topics go through the same procedure again – say you have another topic you would like to discuss, state topic, length and then ask whether it is a good time to continue talking.

If you accidentally go off topic, admit to it, reset and go back to the originally agreed upon discussion first.

If you have to walk away or you are triggered, to prevent a control drama, admit to being triggered, explain that you love your partner; your intent is that you do want to continue the conversation at a later time when you have regrouped.

As well, take responsibility for being upset before going into the conversation, if you are upset go for a walk first, do something physical, breathe, drink water, make sure your blood sugar is good and you are well-fed and if you still can’t help being upset confess to it and own it versus blaming your partner for how you are feeling.

The another important thing that you need to do is find Functional, Successful, Healthy Forms of Communication to replace the dysfunctional, toxic ones such as the types of communication that we teach about in our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program.

What makes our forms of communication special is that they are based on unconditional love, abundance and creativity instead of communication taught in our society’s competitive adversarial beliefs such as there is scarcity and not enough resources so everyone has to fight to survive and strive.

For more information about Toxic Communication, Toxic Communicators and what can be done to change what is often simply a habit of communication you can reach Dr. Robby or I at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca or check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase