Is There Stress in Your Relationship Because Your Children Just Don’t Listen?

By Tanis Nicole Wright

Is there a lot of stress and strain in your relationship because your children just don’t listen? Does your relationship with your partner fall to the wayside because you spend the majority of your waking moments chasing after your children because they are not listening to you and you feel like you have to micro-manage?

Do you have no energy left for romance let alone being able to spend quality time with your partner because all your energy is spent being frustrated and blocked by your children’s apparent inability to follow orders?

Well, the good news is you may be able to get back your time and energy and a balanced family life simply by understanding what the communication block is between you and your children.

Of course every child is unique, some children need their freedom more than others, some children enjoy structure and some do not but what they all do have is 1, 2, 3 or 4 communication modalities or communication modes in common.

What is a communication modality or mode?

As Dr. Robby (Director of the Life Management Centre/LMC Relationship Centre and Developer of the Better Parents, Better Kids Program) explains:

“Communication is the result you get. Different people are on different channels. We learn, we express love and communicate through different modes or combinations of modes. It is important to know who you are playing with, what channel they are playing on or else your communication will not be very effective. We basically all want to get what we want. If you cannot get your message through of what your needs, wants, dreams, goals and visions are, you will be very frustrated and stressed. So an understanding of communication modes is a basic skill for relationship success whether that is a relationship with a partner, your children, friends, family or coworkers.”

The following is a very basic definition of the Communication modes. You can be primarily one mode or a mixture of up to all four.

Visual people communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things. They learn by seeing and doing.

Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you. They learn by hearing.

Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood. They learn by understanding.

Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. They move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activities and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched. They learn through touch and through experience.

So children are not any different. If you are giving children orders or directions and they are not picking up your orders because it is in your own communication mode and not their own communication mode, they will genuinely not pick up or learn what you are trying to tell them or teach them. They are not being stubborn or defiant, they genuinely aren’t receiving it, it’s like you are talking on an AM radio station and you children is receiving on an FM radio station.

For example, my youngest son is a Visual child and I used to have to repeatedly tell him to pick up his cloths and clean his room, but to him my auditory orders is basically like the teachers on the Charlie Brown cartoons, just a series of muffled noises. However, after learning about communication modes, I realized that if I wanted to get across to him what I wanted, I had to show him what I wanted him to do or do it with him, since a Visual child, just like a Visual adult like doing things with you as does a Kinesthetic child. The result is now I never have to repeat myself with my son; he picks up and understands my visual cues.


For an Auditory child, if you are a Visual parent and you are showing your child how to clean and tidy up, it won’t have an impact on them unless you tell them what you want and/or narrate as you are doing it. This works for a Digital child as well, if you explain step by step what you are doing so they understand the whole process.

For a Kinesthetic child, let them do a run through themselves or let them hold on to or touch what it is that you are teaching or getting them to do. Kinesthetic children learn and remember through touch. Even though a Visual child likes doing, a Visual child can learn by just seeing and watching, where as a Kinesthetic child has to go through the motions to truly learn.

There is a part of you (especially if you are Visual) saying “Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it, there is also a part of you that is also connecting the dots and saying “Yeah, that makes sense and that explains why my child does what they do that way.”

So go ahead and come up with creative ways to communicate with your children in their communication modes and see, hear, understand and/or feel what happens. You may just get the time for that romantic interlude with your partner yet.

If you have any questions or want to find out how to test your children’s communication modes check out our new book called Better Parents, Better Kids at www.betterparentsbetterkids.com/ or contact us at
relationshipcentre@shaw.ca. We also offer parenting coaching in our Better Parents Better Kids Program at www.betterparentsbetterkids.com/coaching.html

Tanis Nicole Wright is the Head Consultant/ Coach for the Better Parent, Better Kids Program as well as co-author of Better Parents, Better Kids E-book (www.betterparentsbetterkids.com). She can be reached by email at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

If Giving Is So Good, Why Do I Feel So Bad?

Everywhere in our society we are told that giving is very important. In many of our articles we express the importance of giving and receiving in order to have good circulation of energy and a healthy balanced relationship.

However, in your case you are constantly giving but you do not feel good afterwards contrary to what everyone says. You give then you just feel depleted, tired, empty, even resentful or angry at times. You wonder, what is going on? If giving is so good, why do I feel so bad?

The following are some possible reasons why giving isn’t working for you:

You are not giving freely: You are giving in order to get something in return, just as a codependent person would, whether that is for peace of mind, safety, security, love or a sense of self worth. Giving out of obligation, out of fear or giving because you feel like you have no choice or that giving is the right thing to do also falls under not giving freely.

You are not being authentic: You want to give, but you are not being authentic in how you are giving. Instead of listening to yourself and giving in an area that makes you feel good, you are giving in ways that others are giving or because you feel that this is only way or the proper way to give.

You are not giving in the way others can receive: If you are not aware that others are different and that they give and receive in different communication channels you may give and give but the other person cannot receive it. This may be because you are not open to the fact that others are different, or you may feel that there is something wrong with you because you are not like them. You may also be afraid that you will not be able to give them what they want in the way they want it whether that is because you feel flawed or that you may hurt yourself.

You are not open to receiving: You may be giving to others and they may want to return the energy exchange by thanking you, being grateful and happy or give back to you, but if you cannot receive, you will not be able to feel or embrace the wonderful result of gift giving. The result of not receiving will be that you will feel depleted because the circulation has been blocked. Usually low self esteem issues, deservability issues and self worth issues are at the heart of not being able to receive, although just not being consciously aware of the importance of receiving or not being aware that others are communicating in their own communication mode can also be reasons.

So what is the solution?

1) Listen to yourself and tune in to your feelings, only give when you feel like it. Specifically give when it feels light and fun and spontaneous. Do not worry about what your way of giving is going to be and do not compare yourself to others and how they give or how often they give, they are unique just like you are and all because the majority of people may give a certain way doesn’t mean that you have to do it that way. Since you are unique, you are the only person on the planet that can give your gift whatever and whenever that may be, so you are doing the world a disservice if you are trying to pretend that you are someone you not.

2) When you are getting the feeling that you shouldn’t give, in a certain situation, honour your feeling, it may seem like you are going to lose out or that the person you are not giving to is going to lose out, but giving when it is not free or out of obligation or fear never turns out to be the highest and best for anyone and often the results are apparent right away.

3) Being open to giving is important so you can be genuine, authentic and spontaneous as well as understanding that as long as it feels light and fun it is ok to give to others in their own communication mode or channel, there is nothing wrong with you, we just all have different channels for different purposes.

4) Lastly, in order for giving to be successful it is just as important for you to be able the receive in order to complete the energy exchange of giving and receiving and also in order that you have plenty of energy after you given energy, so you will never feel depleted.

Ways to be able to tell when you are listening to yourself and following your feelings is that when you give freely, when it feels light, fun and spontaneous, you will feel light and energized right away as you are giving and afterwards even if there is no instant feedback. Many times though, you will also receive positive feedback right away, people thank you and are so happy that you almost have to take a step back, often you will receive a gift back instantaneously or will receive tenfold what you gave out. You can practice this for yourself by observing times when you give when it feels good and light compared to when you give when you are feeling pressured or scared or obligated.

For me, I began to observe this after a few instances where I had a spontaneous, fun, light urge to give, and the powerful feedback I was receiving.

One Halloween, I was sitting at home, with a bunch of candy left over since the neighborhood we had moved to didn’t have that many kids. It was later in the evening, Dr. Robby (my significant other and Director/Head Counsellor of the LMC Relationship Centre) and I decided that we should go to our neighborhood Blockbuster. We were regulars and I knew the two guys that would be working that night. I suddenly turned to Dr. Robby and said, “Hey, we should bring the guys some candy at Blockbuster, the poor guys are missing out on Halloween.

Rob thought that was a great idea, so I packed some candy and off we went.

When I presented my container of candy to the guys, I had never seen two young men so happy before, they were like, “Thank you so much…hey, here have this poster, we were going to take it home, but we would like you to have it instead.”

As they happily munched on the candy, they explained that they just loved working on Halloween and they always schedule themselves in, the candy just topped their evening off just perfect.

As for the poster, it ended up being from my favorite movie at the time, “Lilo and Stitch”, there was absolutely no way that they could have known it was my favorite movie, I just love Stitch.

Then there was this time just before Christmas, I was at the mall, there was a man from the Salvation Army ringing a bell and had his donation container ready. Usually I was always like “Should I or shouldn’t I? How much should I give? Do I have any change or oh, I got to go get change.” That day though, it was like, “Oh wouldn’t that be fun to give a donation, hey look I have a Looney.” (A Canadian dollar). Without hesitating, with a big smile, I plunked in my Looney.

The man returned my big smile and with a genuine thank you, he started giving me a whole pile of stuff. Here’s some stickers, here’s a button, here is a calendar…I was thinking to myself “I love stickers, I love buttons and hey I needed a calendar, but he’s already giving me way more than the $1.00 I gave him, maybe I should just tell him to keep it for the next person.” But I could already feel my energy dropping, I knew I had to receive gracefully, so I said thank you and Merry Christmas and carried on my way.

My last story is with fond memory of my late Great Uncle Steve. My Bubba, (Grandma),Uncle Walter, Great Uncle Steve and Great Aunt Anne all live in Dauphin, Manitoba, about 200 miles Northwest of Winnipeg.

All my life my Dad, Mom and I would go to Dauphin to visit everybody, we would stay at my Bubba’s who lived with my Uncle Walter. We would go to visit my Great Aunt Anne and on occasion we would visit my Great Uncle Steve. Uncle Steve (we liked to call him Uncle Steve, even thought he was my Dad’s uncle), in his early 90s lived at Happy Haven, a retirement home. His apartment was small and there was no air conditioning. He was born with a lisp and it was very hard to understand him, but his enthusiasm and light energy always made him wonderful to be around. Sometimes though, it felt like an obligation when we had to visit, and it seemed that the visits seemed awkward and short.

When my Bubba, Steve’s older sister passed away, I was at the funeral reception, having coffee, when I suddenly turned to my Mom and Travis, my husband at the time and said, “Hey wouldn’t it be fun to go visit Uncle Steve? Let’s go get him and we can take him home.”

They both agreed, we found Uncle Steve and took him home.

When we got back, we bumped into one of his neighbors, he came over to, and we laughed and laughed and stayed all afternoon. We had the greatest and funniest visit ever.

It was so light and wonderful, we felt great even after we left. It was the last time we got to see Steve, because he ended up passing away a month later, but it really felt like we had giving him a special afternoon and I felt that he really appreciated it too.

So try out giving freely for yourself, take note of when you truly feel like giving and see how things turn out and how you feel. Your partner and relationship isn’t any different then a stranger you may meet on the street, the same principles apply, true giving will always feel good for you and everyone involved.

Melody Chase