In a Relationship, Can One Partner Be More Successful Than The Other? The Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe Story

When I took Psychology and Social Psychology at University our Professors always said that relationships cannot be successful if one partner has a different level of education, different social status or even different level of intelligence. One area that wasn’t covered was what happens if one partner is more successful, such as in their careers than the other partner? Does having different levels of success also affect the success of the relationship?

There has been a lot of speculation as to why the movie stars Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe broke up. One of the main speculations is that Hilary Swank’s career as a star skyrocketed after the couple got married to a point where she had two Academy Awards and in major motion pictures and Chad Lowe on the other hand started off a popular movie star and TV star, won a Emmy, then just faded into the background. So was their breakup the result of Chad not being able to handle the success, popularity and accomplishments of Hilary?

Well, let’s go over some reasons as to why different levels of success may have an impact on a relationship.

Major change in a relationship: If one member of the relationship was successful going into the relationship, then at least the other partner had an idea of what they were going into, but if major success came for one of the partners after they got married, this could be considered a major life change. It’s as life altering a having a baby for the first time or changing careers.

It impacts both members of the couple and if one or both of them are not used to or haven’t learned how to adapt to change it can be a major source of stress and powerstruggle for both partners.

This is especially true if they are not consciously aware of the effects of such a major life change. They may try to carry on with their relationship as normal, but eventually the undercurrents will catch up to them or build up in the relationship.

Jealousy: In the case of Hilary and Chad, they both were movie and TV actors and both, I am quite sure had dreams of becoming Superstars and winning an Academy Award one day and having their star on Hollywood Boulevard. Well, that all came through for Hilary, but for Chad, it hasn’t happened yet.

Even the most stable, loving person in the world, would at a bare minimum feel at least a bit jealous and sad. Jealousy is usually around when a person feels like something is being taken away from them that one can’t replace, a belief that is seated in the Competitive Adversarial Paradigm or jealousy may also be around as a signal to a person’s soul that there is something that the other person is doing, or being that sparks a desire within themselves, something that they desire to be or do, but they feel powerless or that it is just out of their reach.

Many movie stars are what we call Expressive Personalities, they love people, they love to be the centre of attention, want to loved who they are and do not like to look bad. In the case of what happened with Hilary and Chad, all attention and love was turned and focused towards Hilary, plus I’m quite sure Hilary was also pulled away into a whirlwind of publicity and press which also took Hilary and her attention away (not intentionally of course, but just what goes along with the job) away from Chad, so not only was she moving forward more quickly then him towards her dreams, his needs for love and attention were being taken away as well.

A build up of jealousy is one of the Great Dividers of Love that we talk about in Love By Design Book at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

Great Dividers of Love are built up emotions in a relationship that cause a separation of love. These emotions are caused by the accumulation of experiences such as revenge or judgment, loss of respect, loss of trust, and disappointment resulting in closed, numb and frozen hearts, that make it harder and harder to love and relate with your partner whether your compatible or not.

The Couple’s vision may not align anymore or to begin with: Everyone, even if they may consciously not be aware of it have a vision of what they would like to see unfold in their lives.

Some couples verbalize to each others what their visions are, others assume that the other person has the same vision. In order to have a successful, compatible relationship, both couples need to have to same vision, since it is like a North Star that will lead them in the same direction.

So if one partner has a Vision of being successful in their career and the other person is aware and in agreement with it, then everything aligns, but if one member thinks they are the only one who is going to be successful and the other person is going to just wait on them hand and foot, and the other person is unaware and/or not in agreement to this arrangement, there is going to be some major fallout if both couples try to become successful.

The partner who thought they were the only ones going to be successful resist the other person’s success, the second partner who is trying to become successful too will feel this resistance from the other partner and feel the powerstruggle. If the success is sudden and unexpected this can also interfere with a couple’s original vision, especially if the suddenly successful partner is the one who agreed to take a backseat to the other partner.

Now I’m not saying that Chad was expecting to be successful person and Hilary was going to be in the background, but when they met and got together Chad was quite popular, he had excellent reviews for the character that he played in his TV series.

Hilary got fired on 90120 and although she made her mark as Buffy’s side Kick in the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer Movie, her next major movie Karate Kid 2 was considered a flop. So at the very least, the couple was expecting their life to be a little more even and uneventful then what ended up happening with Hilary

Values Conflict: Values can be described as something that is important to you. It is something that you are willing to focus on, and put attention and time into in order to maintain.

Our values play an integral part in determining the compatibility and success of our relationships. Values are the glue that holds people together. Lack of compatible values can be the undoing of a relationship.

Often when one person in the relationship becomes successful it puts a lot of pressure on the values that the partners already had in common.

For example if a couple were both relationship centred (meaning that their main focus and energy was focused on each other) followed by both being work centred or career centred, then the couple will get along fine because they do not have competing values or powerstruggles.

However, if one partner becomes highly successful, the demands of their success may become a higher priority then the relationship. Now it becomes a powerstruggle because the other partner is still relationship centred and is trying to get their needs met for a one on one relationship with their partner, but the successful partner is now focusing on their work first.

This may be what happened with Hilary and Chad. They went for marriage counselling before getting married so they could get their marriage off to a healthy start, but they were probably not expecting Hilary to become as popular and successful. Hilary, who took her marriage and relationship seriously was still pulled by the publicity, media, film roles and even preparation for roles that she would be playing.

There is an interview were Chad said in a joking manner on how it was funny that once your wife wins an academy award you have to wait in line and make an appointment to be with her. Then of course, there was the famous incident when Hilary won her first Golden Globe for Boys Don’t Cry, where she forgot to thank her husband for his support. For ever after that she always made sure she didn’t forget her husband, but even then it can be seen how the power of success can potentially put a strain on people’s value hierarchies.

Different Role Requirements: Sometimes with success there is a change in the roles and responsibilities of the other partner. If they were aware and on board with the partner’s upcoming success then they may be more prepared. For example, the wife of the next future president pretty much has a good idea of what their role and responsibilities would be. However, with sudden success one partner may find themselves in a role they weren’t originally planned on playing.

For example with Hilary, Chad started off as a fellow actor and loving husband, but as Hilary became more popular and in demand, he found himself as the loving and supportive husband, helping her as she prepared for roles, being there for emotional support and attending her award ceremonies. It may not have been what he originally wanted to do.

So then, what can a couple do if one partner is more successful or becomes more successful than the other?

The following are some suggestions.

Be aware that change has an impact on the relationship: Being aware that change can have a major strain on a relationship is important. Finding out how you react and how your partner reacts to change, then find out the highest and best ways to embrace and heal from the effects of the change.

Jealousy: Being honest and upfront about feeling jealous is very important in a relationship to prevent build up of emotions and separation of love in a couple.

For Chad and Hilary, when they separated, they did go for marriage counselling to patch things up. Chad may have been carrying around feelings of jealousy and disappointment but because he was a loving, caring and supportive husband he may have keep this to himself. One of the speculations was that he had a substance abuse problem that he kept hidden from Hilary and this breach of trust was one of their downfalls.

One of the reasons for the substance abuse may be because he was trying to avoid feelings and emotions that he had, either because they were so strong and overwhelming and/or he felt guilty or embarrassed about them. However, by holding them to himself, he broke the trust in the relationship instead of taking the risk and being honest about how he felt.

Find Out What Yours and Your Partners Values and Visions Are: Find out and discuss what yours and your partner’s values and visions are and see if you are aligned to begin with and if not how far apart you are. If yours and you partner’s visions and values are not too far apart, negotiations may be able to fill the gap. If they are farther apart, you then may have to reevaluate whether you are the highest and best for each other.

Discuss With Your Partner What to Do if One Partner Does Become More Successful: Just as a household discusses what to do incase of a fire in the household, there is no reason why a couple can’t plan together and come up with creative solutions to deal with one partner becoming successful, including what each partners roles and responsibilities will be. That way if one day a major life change does occur, the couple at least prepared instead of completely being taken off guard.

For Hilary and Chad we may never know what was the actually cause of their break up. I do know that they went into their marriage determined to have a strong foundation and tried very hard to save their marriage once they separated. This article was inspired by their dedication.

~ Melody Chase

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Help! My Partner Wants To Leave The Relationship – What Should I Do?

We had a couple who came to see us, where the wife said she wanted to leave the relationship and the husband still wanted to make the relationship work. We decided to see each member of the couple individually and as a couple.

When we had the husband come in to see us for his individual counselling, he stated upfront he was hesitant to trust us because he got the impression that we support couples breaking up.

We explained that it wasn’t that we supported couples to break up; we were just supportive of people being in their highest and best relationships versus people forcing themselves to stay together even if they are not in their highest and best relationship.

However, we did understand where he was coming from, he wasn’t ready to hear that his relationship may be over and he didn’t yet understand the concept about a highest and best relationship and the world was an abundant place where he could have exactly what he wanted.

Where he was at, when he came to see us was he was confused, he was scared, he was losing his wife, the person he loves, he felt powerless and he felt like he was flailing around like a person in the middle of the ocean during a storm.

I started looking through my archives of articles and materials and realized that we didn’t really have anything to help or bring any insight or comfort to someone whose partner is wanting to leave them.

So I thought a good way to start is to explain that there a different levels of relationship breakup, depending on how far-gone the partner is, which is in direct correlation as to the chances of saving the relationship or at least working out whether the relationship can be saved. In addition, at each level of how far-gone the partner is, there are different activities or actions that the other partner has to follow through on.

In any relationship, if one partner is unhappy it is usually because they are not getting their needs met, since all relationships are a mutual fulfilling of needs. Needs are usually not met because a couple are not close in compatibility or because they lack relationship mastery skills.

If it is just a lack of relationship mastery skills and if both partners are interested in learning, the relationship will be in good shape. If it is because of a lack of compatibility, depending how far apart the compatibility is will determine whether the relationship will fail or not.

If needs are not being met, the partner who is not getting their needs met will either suffer from toxicity or deficiency in their relationship.

Too much toxicity or deficiency in a relationship will develop emotions, often anger, disappointment, resentment, or judgment and loss of respect for the other partner. These build ups of emotions build up into what we can the Great Dividers of Love. The Great Dividers of Love is exactly what it sounds like they divide love, and block love from flowing. Without love flowing in the relationship, the love or glue and emotional connectedness between the partners that keep them together is severed, blocked and dissipated.

So the less love that is flowing in the relationship, the deeper the separation of the partners and the more severe the combination of the toxicities, deficiencies, build up of emotions and loss of love, the more far-gone the leaving partner will be.

The following are the 3 Levels or Stages of How Far-gone a Partner Can Be:

1. Hand on the Door Knob: The leaving partner’s main emotion is fear that the relationship is breaking down or that they are not going to ever get their needs met in the relationship. Their main motivation is to see if the relationship can be saved and are willing and open to learn what they need to learn. They have a build up toxicities and deficiencies within them in order to put their hand on the doorknob but they have enough love flowing within them to give it a go to “save” or create a more healthy relationship with you.

A Hand on the Doorknob is truly a gift because it can jumpstart you into the reality of the relationship before your partner becomes too far gone. They are willing to play still, so together as a couple you can find out if the reasons why your partner is unhappy whether that is because the two of you have compatibility issues or just relationship mastery issues. Finding out the answers is much easier when your partner is still on board.

2. One Foot out the Door: The leaving partner’s main emotion is anger; they don’t feel like playing anymore and don’t want to take anymore toxicity or deficiency. They have very low frustration level which prevents them from being flexible in the relationship anymore.

For the most part they now feel it is easier to abandon the relationship them to try to fix it, hold it together or create a healthy relationship. The anger is blocking most of the love from flowing in the relationship which is making it harder to stick with the relationship and if it the anger gets turned inwards then depression and hopelessness kicks in which drains away any fight for the relationship that they had.

At this stage, if you want to try to save the relationship you will basically have to give them anything they want at first, because they don’t have anymore energy to give or any energy to play fair and give you want you want.

If they are not too far gone, the temporary inauthenticity or suspension of your own needs in order to focus on giving them what they want, will eventually balance out as they regain their own energy, regain trust and develop a healthy flow of energy exchange between the two of you.
If you are high enough in compatibility, develop relationship mastery skills and prove to them that you respect and love them enough by understanding, accepting and appreciating their needs, then they will take their foot out of the door.

It will be a slow process, just as the process of them getting to that point was, so consistency is very important.

If you go for counselling they will spend a lot of time complaining and expressing how angry and burnout out they are with you. However, as long as they are expressing their feelings that means there is still love there because deep under anger there is love.

Ways on how you may still lose your partner if you begin to withdraw giving them their needs, constantly being inconsistent with giving them their needs, (since the building of their trust is a very sensitive thing for them that needs building over time.) or if they have found someone else who is more compatible and more consistent than you in their ability to give them what they want.

3. Both Feet out the Door: At this stage, your partner is too far gone, their main emotion is indifference, they have shutdown and shut you off. They have made a finally decision to write you off and there is no turning back or turning on their love for you.

They will tell you that they have made the decision that it is over. (Versus a One Foot in the Door partner who will say they are leaving or going to leave). They walk around with a distant look in their eye, and if they go to counselling with you they are just going through the motions for social obligation, they will politely listen to what the counsellor has to say but they will not engage, just nod and get out as soon as they can.

If there is someone else involved, they have decided to leave you for them, and if there isn’t, they still have just a strong decision to leave, they are no longer open to learning or saving the relationship.

In this case, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself, there is no way to encourage, force or influence them to come back to you.

Work on your own self development, get grief or support counselling, seek out closure in whichever way you can and carry on.

If your partner decides they want to come back to you, time will be your best ally.

In the meantime, just release and let your partner go, its just like the saying, let them go and if they are meant to be, they will come back.

Whether they do come back or if another person, potentially your soulmate enters your life, by taking care of yourself, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually and by letting go of the past, you will be in the perfect position to be in a healthy, whole relationship.

In the case of the couple that we mentioned at the beginning of the article, the wife is teetering between One Foot out the Door and Both Feet out the Door.

The wife has a “Platonic Male Friend” waiting in the wings for her, although she says she is not having a physical affair with him. She has come to the counselling sessions both for their couple session and her individual session with the distant look in her eye, she doesn’t have anything to say, she’s just tired and isn’t arguing, she is coming across as indifferent, which instinctively, although we haven’t’ explained the 3 stages to her husband yet, is what is scaring the husband so much.

The difference between this wife and other partners at this third stage is that she hasn’t officially stated it’s over. She says she is undecided, when a person is indecision, they can also have that checked out look about them, so she still may be at the One Foot Out The Door Stage, she may not even know what she wants, which makes it harder for her partner to be able to find out what she wants and to be able give it to her.

So because of the sensitive timing, her husband may have to take action both in the One Foot out the Door and Both feet out the Door stages.

He’ll have to be dedicated to finding out what it is that she wants and be consistent in giving it to her as well as understanding, accepting and appreciating her needs, yet at the same time prepare for the potential of her leaving him for good, so he will be ready and not devastated and not be in a constant state of agony as he waits for the potential shoe to drop.

~ Melody Chase

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Help! I’m Jealous of My Partner!

My ex-husband Travis is an in the moment person, where as I am a process centred person. In the Moment people are people who have no structure at anytime, they move freely in the moment and do not plan at all. Everything they do comes to them in the moment and they feel no need for planning. Process centred people need to do things in a step by step process in order to do something. They need to prepare, process and organize their thoughts in their head. (And often down on paper as well.)

At one time in our marriage we were both going to the same College.

Travis was taking a Management Course and I was taking one of my Applied Counselling Courses. I had a really homework intense Instructor who would disperse tons of really deep and detailed assignments. I had a paper that I had been working on for 1 week straight. My husband had classes the same night as me. He had an oral presentation. He didn’t work on it all week. He put it together 20 minutes before it was time to go class.

A week later, I got my results back for my paper, I got an A. Travis got his results back from his presentation, he also got an A. He proceeded to laugh and point at me saying “Hah, Hah, I got the same mark as you, it took me 20 minutes to put my assignment together and you had to work on yours for a whole week.”

I was jealous, on many levels. I was jealous that he had no trouble with oral presentations. For me, if I had to do a presentation back then, I would be worried sick. I was also jealous because he could leave things to the last minute without worrying about it, I was jealous that what he needed to say and put together could come together that quickly and easy.

I was basically jealous because his life seemed so much easier, simpler and worry free than me. He seriously didn’t have a single worry in his head about the presentation. This was because the combination of him being a Visual, Expressive personality, not being in Digital Philosophical communication mode, and being an in the moment person which also helped him to have great instinct and intuition.

Now given, because he wasn’t Digital Philosophical, he probably wouldn’t have been able to write the paper I wrote, in fact I had a better grasp of what I was writing about than a lot of people in my class, so I guess, all things were equal that way, but he just had so many aspects to his personality and being that I just wished I could have, it just didn’t seem fair and I couldn’t imagine back then that there was anything in the world I could do to be like him, so I was jealous and felt powerless.

Today though, I can look back at the situation and have a totally different way at looking at Travis and my jealousy. Of course I can never be exactly like him since we are both different and unique people with our own talents and mission in life, but at least today I can look at jealousy from a more positive and expansive point of view.

The following are six ways on how jealousy has helped me to raise my level of consciousness and authenticity:

1) Shadowside: A shadowside is part of yourself that you have to accept, or come into balance with.

The way the shadow side works is that there are aspects of all energies of all people in us. There are sides that are either repressed or not dominant and/or there are aspects about ourselves that we think that we cannot love for many different reasons.

Therefore jealousy may be a signal that a shadowside is in play and that you would need to accept and love that part of yourself in order to accomplish and embrace any of the following purposes of the shadowside:

Some people are attracted to one other because there is something they admire about their partner that they wished they had. It is also something that you may feel jealous about in the other person.

There are aspects about the other person that you need to learn, accept about yourself, and the other person.

There are aspects about each other that needs to be drawn out, balanced or complimented within yourself.

2) An opportunity to see how your partner attracts an environment that support who they are.

By being jealous of Travis, it drew my attention, (although I didn’t understand it at the time) to the fact that he went into a type of education where he can be spontaneous and where being Digital is not needed. Therefore he was a role model for someone going into an environment that supports who they are and not thinking twice about being in an environment that did not support who he was.

Travis had enrolled once in drafting courses because he had a brain where he could see everything in 360 degrees and he was excellent at drawing, but he turned to me and said one day that even though he was good at it, he just couldn’t stand the concentration and time it took to doing drafting exercises, (His Expressive side of his Personality couldn’t handle it) so he just got himself out of the course instead of trying to push through.

Now I was taking the course that I was really good at, but in the past I had taken courses that weren’t designed for me and I would try to push through them and feel bad about myself if I was struggling or failing at them. I would be jealous of how he could just drop a course but I realize today Travis was an example of someone who would only go towards environments that support who he was and never looked back or wasted time worrying about the courses that he dropped.

3) Learn to accept yourself for who you are just as your partner can accept themselves for who they are.

Travis was able to accept himself for who he was, so if I had just accepted myself for who I was there would have been no longer any need to be jealous of Travis’s spontaneity in both courses and how he carried out his assignments if I was just able to accept that I am the way how I am and he is just the way he is.

4) Opportunity to learn how to embrace and release your emotions even one that is not as commonly accepted as jealousy.

Emotions are a natural part of life, of course the less we think and the less judgment we have in life the less amount of emotions we will experience. However if we do experience an emotion it is important to recognize, embrace and release it otherwise it will stay in our bodies and eventually cause health problems or it will cause us to act out in irrational behaviors or act out in fear.

Jealousy is one of those types of emotions that are not highly approved of by others and we often do not want to mention that we are jealous to others very often. So jealousy would be a common emotion to get stuck in our bodies, so it needs to be treated like any other emotion. We need to recognize the emotion, find out what it is signaling to us, accept and embrace it, then let it go/ or release it.

5) An opportunity to explore your thinking process such as alerting you to the fact that you are coming from a Competitive Adversarial Paradigm.

The Competitive Adversarial Paradigm or C.A.P. is a belief system that the world is scarce there is a lack of abundance and not enough resources in the world for everyone, therefore everyone has to grab for the limited resources. They have been taught that the way to do that is to fight and compete for these limited resources and in order to survive and strive, they have to win. There is no such thing as a win, win, there is only win or lose.

All emotions are a signal that you are thinking or feeling a certain way. Jealousy can be rooted in the C.A.P. if you believe that someone is taking something away from you or something that you can’t replace.

However, the ideal Paradigm to come from is the New C.A.P. or Creative, Abundance Paradigm where the world is abundant, there is enough of all resources for everyone and you can create your reality so no one can ever take anything away from you.

So if you are feeling jealousy, it can just key you in that you are thinking from the Old Competitive Adversarial Paradigm versus the New C.A.P.

6) An opportunity to see that there is something that your partner is doing that you are suppose to be doing. Now with this awareness you can focus on attracting an environment and ways for your to achieve the same thing or something similar for yourself. You are now empowered because you are now aware of what you would like.

In the case of Travis and I, he represented the part of me that needed to follow the path in life that was highest and best for me without feeling shame or guilt for not being or having the same talents as others.

Of course, there may have been aspects of my shadowside that I needed to draw out to become more balanced such as being more spontaneous or embracing new opportunities, I was still a Process Centred person but being open to change and new opportunities would definitely help me in the future and prevent a lot of unnecessary stress, stress being resistance to my reality.

There as been other examples, with other people too where jealousy was a clear example that what they were doing was what I was suppose to be doing.

For example, there was a time period where I wasn’t writing, where Rob and I had met an old friend of his who wasn’t able to work and was on some sort of Government financial aide. She was explaining on how she was having the time of her life because she got to stay at home and write all day long and send in funny stories to the newspapers.

Instead of feeling bad for her because she couldn’t work, or even jealous because she was getting paid not to work, I was more jealous at the fact that she got to write all day and was having so much fun. I even said the Rob that I was inspired by how enthusiastic and how much fun she was having, and that she was able to provide fun and entertainment to others.

I once heard that solutions lay within our problems. By embracing and discovering what jealousy was all about I was able to find insights as well as solutions to who I was and what I was all about.

~ Melody ChaseMelody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design.

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The inner knowings of intuition

Did you know that you can increase your intuition simply by quieting your mind?

And in these quiet moments, you offer a space for insight, for knowledge and
ideas to simply trickle in.

What do you really want? Why do you want it? Just let these questions be asked a few times throughout the day, but don't try to answer them let.

Learn to get into the habit of quieting your mind. A part of you, that right-brained part of you, has much to offer you as well. The right brain perceives in a holistic, solution-oriented way.

When we allow our left-brain chatterbox to run constantly,
the right-brain doesn't have the opportunity to share its wisdom.

Surely in your life you've had moments when suddenly, you knew the perfect answer to a problem you were working on. Suddenly, it was just there.

And you likely weren't even thinking about the problem at the time. This is the right-brain part of you, offering you its wisdom.

When we create consciously, it's important that we know what we'd like to create. Be open to knowing. Be open to the answers coming to you--and they will. And then you will have the wisdom and intuition with which to guide the power process of creating consciously.

Would you like to hear a little known Secret of Communication Directly with and from Source.

Well, lean a bit as I whisper this sacred mystery.

There are 2 ways I relate to the Universe to understand what is Highest & Best for me.

The first method is called Vision vs Visualization. We have a special report and Mp3 on that “Secret Method” to become “In Tune with the Infinite.”

It becomes available to you when you become a Customer and have purchased the True Love on Demand Program.

The second method is one where you can get a Clear Direct Download from the Universal Dream Machine. This method is fast and powerful and I use it everyday. These “Instant Awakenings” sometimes known as “Satori” in the Far East. I have developed an easy system you can apply right away to tap into infinite intelligence.

Others and myself have spent years chasing Ego Desires and Illusions which wasted a lot a time money and energy and in the end created a lot of heartache for me and those who I was involved with.

You can bypass all that by connecting and communicating with Source Directly.

Spend a few hours to learn these invaluable processes and save yourself years of disappointment and heartache.

As you master these simple, easy yet extremely powerful systems you can start to imagine now all your “Dreams Come True”

If you have any questions on applying these methods in your life contact me personally at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards

~ Dr. Robby

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