How to allow your partner to have their say

You’re an Expressive, Analytical personality which means you do not like to look bad and you want to be right. You are having an argument with your partner who in one breath is invalidating or at the very least in judgment of your point of view but is wanting you to understand and validate their point of view. They are dominant and persistent too – you feel like spontaneously combusting because you can’t validate your partner because you feel you are justified and right. In lieu of smoking a certain type of plant or developing a disassociative disorder you wonder what are you going to do?

All communication techniques you have seen, learned, tried or read about says that as the receiver you are suppose to “wait your turn” and not take anything personally. You are there to listen to the sender of the communication. However, there are times when every time the sender opens their mouth you want to cut-in and say “Yeah, but-.”

Under normal circumstances you would agree to disagree and back off to your own corners, but this time you are in a heated debate and both of you are determined to be right and justified. Is there anything you can do before the situation ends up like the final scenes of the movie, “War of the Roses?”

Well, let’s step back a bit, and then we will return to the heat of the moment. Under normal circumstances as we mention in our book Love by Design (www.lovebydesignbook.com) the following are common reasons why we want to be right.

WHY PEOPLE NEED TO BE RIGHT.

1) People believe they are protecting their needs and that they have their best interests in mind.

2) If the other person gets the approval of being right, especially if it is acknowledge before themselves, then that must mean that they themselves would have to be wrong.

3) We have grown up in a win-lose society, where everything is colored in a positive or negative way, if someone wins, that means that some one would have to lose and suffer a loss.

Your personality also has an influence as to how important it is for you to be right. For example Driver personalities want things to be done their way in the way they want it -right away. Expressive personalities don’t want to look bad so they will defend themselves if they feel like they are going to look bad and Analytical personalities main need is to be right. (For more information on personalities check out our Love by Design book or signup for our free E course on the Top Ten Compatibilities for Relationship Success at www.lovebydesignbook.com.)

Sometimes we may also have the need to get your point across before listening to your partner because you have unresolved issues relating to not being able to express yourself. For example Rob, (Director of the Centre for Life Management/LMC Relationship Centre and my significant other) has pointed out to me that when I used to interrupt him all the time that this behavior could be traced back to a childhood wound. I grew up in an environment where you were not allowed to argue back, especially with my parents because they were brought up in environments where you were not to argue with their parents. Since I felt safe with Rob, I was trying unconsciously to correct the wound by attempting to say me piece even if it was not a functional way to go about it. Becoming aware of my wound I was able to release the need to do so in most argument opportunities.

Now in a normal argument, a person, such as yourself is at a high enough level of consciousness to recognize how and why you are feeling the way you are feeling and can choose to use a Relationship Mastery Technique to be able to comfortably play out your role as the receiver and patiently wait your turn in order to get your points of view heard.

You understand that in respect to relationships, all because a person has a different perspective or way of approaching life DOES NOT mean that you or they are WRONG.
Given both of your background, genetics, personalities, experiences and beliefs, you are BOTH RIGHT, both of you being RIGHT, doesn’t mean that ONE of you are WRONG.

However, it’s when it is an argument that triggers you into an intense emotional reaction that also makes it extremely hard to hold your analytical side back that then makes you want to “should” and “but” your partner to death.

The following are some tips to help you in a trigger situation.

1) Be Aware That You Are Triggered: If your Expressive need not to look bad and your need for being right is practically jumping out of your body at your partner – you are triggered.

2) Accept That You May Not Be Able to Help Your Partner at This Time: The reality is sometimes we are triggered it is too hard to be able to have a civil conversation or resolve your partner’s issues so you may have to back off and/or leave. If you have a partner who is really dominant and aggressive and does not allow you to take a break you may be in an abusive relationship and you may need to take necessary measures to protect and/or get yourself out of the relationship.

3) Do Something Physical: If your partner does understand that the best thing for you is to step away and you choose to continue the conversation at a later time, go do something physical – the trigger has caused an adrenal fight or flight reaction in your body. Burning it off or “shake it off” as Mariah Carrey would say will help you return to a normal and calmer state and helping to distract your Analytical mind from spinning. It is also good for your body’s overall health and well-being.

4) Understand You Will Get Through This and Let Go: By antagonizing your partner you are just prolonging the agony you are in. Validating your partner will either: 1) Get them to pipe down and get to a state where they can listen to you or 2) If they can’t validate or listen to you by you letting it go the universe will correct your partner for you. It really works. In the moment it’s really hard to believe especially with your Expressive and Analytical sides just wanting to tear a hole in our partner. (So you can stuff your point of view in.) But by letting go the universe prove your point of view for you, if you are correct. The universe was designed to be easy and effortless – we have been taught by society (fed by our ego’s need for a purpose) that we need to fight and prove our points of view. It doesn’t have to be a struggle. I have tons of examples, here are a few:

Rob and I were having a disagreement about how a certain part of the mail system works. For some reason we were both triggered by our intense beliefs that our own point of view were correct. I finally decided to let it go, which brought the argument to a close. The very next day we had a mailman come in as a client and we found out that I was correct.

For our next example the following is a brief overview of our personality system:

At our Centre, we have a Personality Chart that we use, that involves 4 basic personality types that can have 16 variations when the personalities are mixed together. To keep my example simple, the following is a very basic overview of the four main types (For an extensive understanding, check out our Love by Design Book at www.lovebydesingbook.com )

Drivers: Are bottom line aggressive people who like results, tasks, control dominance and authority. They are independent, goal oriented, bossy, and sometimes even rude.

Expressives: Are emotionally based, love people, dominant and friendly, love appreciation, approval, centre stage, change their minds a lot, charming, humorous and fun. They have excellent people skills.

Amiables: Are friendly, like people, not aggressive, tend to promote harmony, safety, security, like to blend in and not make waves, accepting.

Analyticals: Analyticals like to work alone, precise, accurate, have rules, standards and procedures, finicky. Judgmental, critical and sometimes negative.

Rob is Driver, Expressive, Analytical and I’m an Amiable, Analytical. Due to our individual personality combinations, we had different way of approaching people early in our relationship. Rob, since conflict wasn’t a big deal to him, though that approaching people with kindness and being nice was overrated and not really necessary. We had an argument about it because he thought I was just oversensitive and naturally defensive by his comment. I decided to drop it and let go. Ta Da – the next day Rob was at a bookstore and was drawn to a book called “Whale Done” that explained how if people just treated people the way how whales were trained best which was with positive reinforcement that everyone would be happy and productive. Rob soon after reading the book admitted I was right.

Now this just isn’t an opportunity to prove that I’m right all the time. I have an example where Rob too was right. We were going to sell a house we had been living in. Finances were tight so we had to figure out what is the best use of our money to prepare the house. I was like “Rob, we just HAVE to replace the kitchen floor. It’s scraped and curled, and faded and looks really dirty and you can’t clean it.” (It really did look horrible – I swear ((In my opinion)) Rob was like “No, it’s no big deal, no one will notice.” We started and argument, I was loaded with 20 TLC and HGTV shows to back my argument and interrupt Rob with but I decided to drop it. This time Rob was right. Forty showing later (we were private selling it, then switched to a realtor) in all the feedback not 1 person mentioned commented, or noticed the kitchen floor. What a waste of time that would have been if I continued to fight to be right.

So sometimes I have been wrong, the universe doesn’t favor people, it just reveals the truth and was is highest and best for people. So just decide to choose the easy and effortless way and you will stop torturing yourself as well as your partner by going to competitive adversarial route to getting your point across.

Melody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design. She can be reached by email at support@lovebydesign.com

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When Counselling Isn’t Working – Now what do you do? (Part 1)

You have gone to several different relationship counsellors, read the best relationship help books and watch Dr. Phil everyday, yet your relationship with your partner isn’t getting any better.

The best communication techniques and relationship repair strategies that apparently work for other couples isn’t working for you and your partner. You wonder, what is going on?

The answer? You and your partner may have functionality problems.

At our Centre, and in our relationship books such as Love by Design, (www.lovebydesignbook.com) and Counsellor in a Box, (www.counsellorinabox.com, (coming soon.)) We talk about function and dysfunction in a relationship.

We have discovered is that no matter how much insight and Relationship Mastery Skills one has if you and/or your partner have dysfunctional behaviors, you will not be able to have a functional relationship.

Anyone who does any gardening knows that aside from using chemicals, the only way to get rid of a weed is to pull it up by the roots; otherwise the same weed will grow back. Taking the dysfunction out of a relationship works the same way; you have to get to the root of the problem.

At our Centre, when Rob (Director and Counsellor of the Centre for Life Management/LMC Relationship Centre) finds a couple at a stand-still and our normal 4 step system isn’t working, Rob will start seeing the individual members of the couple separately, in order to work on each individual's dysfunctional behaviors. Then once they are individually functional he will start seeing them together again as a couple to rebuild their relationship.

So as a person reading this article, the important thing to do is to first become aware of the dysfunction, then take action by deciding to change it.

Therefore our article will separated in to 2 parts. PART ONE is called AWARENESS, PART TWO is called ACTION.

PART ONE - AWARENESS

The following are some types or forms of dysfunction in a relationship. They can range from different categories such as the following:

1) CODEPENDENCY, DEPENDENCY, CAREGIVING AND ADDICTIVE PERSONALITIES

Codependency, dependency, caregiving and addictive personalities are ways that people develop to get their needs met in relationships that are dysfunctional not only for themselves but to the other people that they draw in to create a dysfunctional cycle. For example, a person who is codependent will attract someone who is dependent and visa-versa. A caregiver often attracts an addictive personality to take care of and the addictive person draws in someone to take care of them so they are pursue their addictive tendencies.

Let’s examine codependency as an example. Codependency is a condition that results from dysfunctional patterns based on unhealthy relationships. These dysfunctional patterns are socially learned patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting which result in dependency on other people, places, organizations, things and events to create approval, appreciation, self worth, love, a sense of safety, self esteem, purpose and identity.

The following are some reasons as to why codependency is dysfunctional in a relationship:

People who are codependent:

Do things that are not authentic

Will draw in a dependent and will continue the pattern with them by making decisions based in codependency. Will be angry, depressed or repressed because they are not doing or being what they truly are or want to be which will lead to health problems or emotional outbursts or will draw in angry people who will burst their anger out on them.

This is why relationship counseling with codependents is hard because the codependent person isn’t being truthful or honest about what they really want whether that is with the counselor, their partner or even themselves. Codependency can stall any growth during counseling.

2) PERSONALITY DISORDERS

More serious personality disorders such as Borderliners, Paranoia and Narcissistic personalities can create a dysfunctional relationship. These types of personality disorders usually don’t need to be on medication, but do cause a lot of complications in a relationship. For example a Borderliner because of usually early childhood trauma revolving around abandonment, they often react strongly to the fear of abandonment, take extra measures to insure that people don’t abandon them, and often have trouble feeling safe, secure or settled. They will also often turn on the people they love to prevent from being hurt or because they are feeling hurt because they feel like they are being abandoned. Their partner gets pushed back and forth between feeling smothered and being pushed away.

3) TRIGGERS AND PATTERNS

Triggers can be caused by past traumas like being emotionally invalidated as a child so when you are with your partner you fly off the handle if they are invalidating. Patterns are often more subtle than triggers because we are so used to the pattern we won't recognize it right away. We pick up patterns from early childhood, generational patterns (Which can also include DNA patterns passed on thorough genes.) and any experience during the course of our lives.

They can be so subtle that we can draw in people into our lives to recreate a pattern from childhood without noticing the pattern especially at first. The person will feel so familiar you will not recognize the pattern until it’s well established in the relationship. These feelings of familiarity may also block a person from making highest and best decisions.

For example you draw in someone who you are not compatible with just like the relationship your parents had. You know you should go, but it just feels so familiar that it is comfortable even if you are suffering. There may also be pattern induced arguments that you and your partner have together that just seem unresolvable and intense. The reality is the argument can’t be resolved until the pattern is discovered, removed and replaced with a more functional pattern.

4) POOR COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Poor communication skills or lack of communication skills like cutting each other off, indirect communication, counterattacking or avoiding communication all together can cause a lot of dysfunction in a relationship. Some people may grow up in households were it was perfectly normal to talk over each other, sure you may be having your say but that may not necessarily mean that anyone is listening or understanding what you are saying. Other people may not know how to handle a conflictual situation and may just react instead or choose not to say anything in fear of other people’s reactions.

Counseling and rebuilding a relationship is next to impossible if the couple can not communicate with each other or be willing to learn and apply correct and functional communication techniques.

5) TOXICITIES AND DEFICIENCIES

A Relationship Toxicity is a bad love habit. A Relationship Deficiency is lack of a relationship skill, mindset or attitude. Toxic and deficient behaviors for the purposes of this example would be such as being verbally, physiologically, physically or emotionally abusive or being emotionally unavailable or emotionally shutdown.

Abusive behaviors are often taught or picked up from others as the means to getting what they want. The abuser have never been shown or introduced to handling situations any other way and they continue to use the abusive behavior, even if the other partner is complaining or unhappy by their approach. The abuser knows no other way so they just think there is something wrong with their partner not them.

It is hard to counsel a couple if one or both partners are convinced that abusive behavior isn’t abusive because they are not open to learning other ways.

Melody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design. She can be reached by email at support@lovebydesign.com

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How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable

Even the most compatible couple will find themselves at one time or another faced with a situation where they disagree about something, whether that is an idea or an item or a situation.

Of course it is perfect fully healthy to disagree and have one’s own opinions in order to be authentic and have a balanced relationship.

However, for some people knowing how to disagree without popping their partner’s balloon doesn’t come naturally. If a couple constantly interrupts each others ideas and points of view, this can to lead to communication problems.

Often if the person with the idea is constantly slammed, invalidated or overruled they may start hesitating or stop suggesting or bring up ideas. If the person who is disagreeing with the idea gets the fallout of an angry and hurt partner whose ideas are being challenged, they may stop disagreeing and just go along to avoid the conflict. For either partner, this can lead to the couple not being authentic as well as a build up of hurt, anger, disappointment and/or resentment.

So we at the centre, have developed a simple little system in order to be able to disagree with your partner without disagreeing as well as still supporting your partner’s ideas.

Say to your partner:

1) Your idea is fine.
2) I see that you are excited about your idea.
3) In truth, it wouldn’t work for me but it’s a great idea and I totally support you with what you think.

This way your partner feels totally good and supported about their idea, yet they know that you have a difference of opinion. The communication is kept open and no one feels offended.

Since the partner with the idea does not feel judged and feels supported, this highly increases the chances of them being open to negotiation and/or hearing your ideas or point of view as well

The system may seem simple, but it can go a long way towards keeping the
creativity and expansion in your relationship open and alive.

Melody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design. She can be reached by email at support@lovebydesign.com

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How do you know how much to give in a relationship?

You may have heard about how codependency and care giving is not good for a relationship for many reasons ranging from exhausting yourself, being inauthentic and creating dependency and feelings of disempowerment in your partner.

At the same time, a relationship is about two people relating and the importance of energy freely flowing back and forth between the partners. If one partner is giving and the other person isn’t it interrupts the flow of energy causing staleness, anthropy and needs not getting met in a relationship.

So then what is the right amount of giving to sustain a healthy, balanced and energetic relationship?

The following are some guidelines:

1) Only do things that feel light, fun, energetic, and peaceful. If you are doing or giving anything to your partner that feels heavy, dark, or forced then you are doing something that you feel you should be doing versus would be highest and best for everyone.

2) Only do something that you have the energy to do, if you are tired don’t do it. Recharge then do only what you feel like doing.

3) Ask yourself am I giving to my partner because I feel I need to or because I want to? If is because you want to - go for it, if it’s a need or should - don’t do it.

4) Find out what your partner’s communication modes are so you can get the most bang for your buck. There is no use giving if your partner can’t receive your gift because you are not communicating it in their communication mode.

5) Develop routines that will spice up your partner’s day yet not exhaust you, they will just come as natural to you are brushing your teeth in the morning. For example, I always say goodnight and that I love Rob, my significant other before I go to sleep. It is part of my routine just the same as someone would say their prayers or combs their hair before going to bed.

I also make sure to pay attention when Rob comes home and always slip in sometime throughout the day how much I appreciate him and what he is doing for the relationship. Then there is affectionate touching scattered throughout the day too so I’ve connected in all his communication modes and energy has been sent out to him, but since I developed a routine it’s absolutely no skin off my back. It is as natural as driving a car or riding a bike. It takes a little time to adapt to a routine, but once it’s in, it’s in.

The suggestions may seem simplistic but that is truly how easy it is to be able to have a healthy relationship that is energetically balanced.

Melody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design. She can be reached by email at support@lovebydesign.com

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When Counselling Isn’t Working – Now what do you do? (Part 2)

PART TWO - ACTION

What they all have in common when people use these dysfunctional behaviors is that they are trying to get their needs met, but the ways they have developed or have picked or learned from others are not serving them in the highest and best way. In fact the dysfunctional behavior will eventually destroy them instead of protect them.

So without years and years of therapy, what are the most common ways of removing dysfunctional behavior?

The following two steps are what we recommend:

1) Use the 4 Steps to Unconditional Love Technique.
2) Decide to change the dysfunction and replace the gap with a functional behavior.

1) 4 Steps to Unconditional Love

In our Love by Design Book (http://www.lovebydesignbook.com/) we go over our four steps to be able to have a loving relationship with your partner. The same steps can be used to heal any dysfunctional behavior you may have.

The four steps are:

1) Understanding
2) Acceptance
3) Forgiveness
4) Appreciation

I’ll go over how they can be applied to healing dysfunctional behavior:

1) UNDERSTANDING: Understand that you have been hurt or traumatized or have not been getting your needs met in the way you wanted them met. You did the best you could under the circumstances and with you had available at the time. Likewise the person who hurt, traumatized or didn’t allow you to have your needs met were doing the best they could with the information that they had available at the time.

2) ACCEPTANCE: Acceptance that your dysfunctional behavior was trying to serve and protect you even though it may not have been in the best way for you.

3) FORGIVENESS: Forgiveness is important in order to let go of the hurt and trauma and make room for new experiences and new decisions. So you may forgive the person who hurt or traumatized you as well as forgive yourself for not knowing a different way that may have served you better.

4) APPRECIATE: Appreciate that even using your dysfunctional behavior helped you get around in life, you have survived and where able to get to this new level of consciousness and where you are today.

2) Decide to change the dysfunction and replace the gap with a functional behavior.

Now since you have gotten to a point of appreciating the dysfunctional behavior, you can now “choose”, yes choose or make a choice to change the dysfunction without being in resistance to it. Making a decision is a very powerful force, and you will be supported in your environment. You will find that you will draw into your life the material, resources, and support that you need not only to change the behavior, but also to help you find the highest and best functional behavior to replace the dysfunctional behavior with.

To get you started the following is Rob’s Super Pattern Blaster that can be used to remove a dysfunctional behavior, after listing the steps, I have included some functional behaviors examples that you can choose to replace the dysfunctional behaviors:

SUPER PATTERN BLASTER

The following is Rob’s Super Pattern Blaster exercise to repattern reoccurring patterns:

1) Identify the Pattern.

2) Understand that the pattern is just one of action of many, many potential patterns, a mosaic or tapestry that you can pull from even though you may have only been set up for one by your family of origin or society etc. It also means that there is a polarity or opposite pattern.

3) Accept and Appreciate the polarity as it is part of many possibilities of divine perfection- accept and appreciate the pattern, love, accept and appreciate the existing patterns.

4) Make a decision that you don’t want the pattern anymore (The decision is final, you won’t accept it anymore, won’t allow it, if you see it starting up you will stop it.)

5) Choose the polaristic pattern or another pattern that suits you life better.

6) Install and integrate and become one with the new pattern.

7) In life any pattern can exist, but for you, you are now someone who always chooses the new pattern, it is how you are now.

8) You assumed the identity of someone who has assumed the new pattern.

FUNCTIONAL BEHAVORIAL PATTERNS EXAMPLES

The following are some functional behavior patterns that you can chose to replace the old dysfunctional behavior:

1) MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON YOUR AUTHENTIC FEELINGS: Make a decision to make decisions based on authentically what makes you feel good, what is fun, light, bright and peaceful for yourself. You are perfect so any decision that you make based on what feels good to you (instead of decision based on how to appease other people in order to get what you want) will automatically be what is highest and best for you and everyone around you.

2) DEVELOP AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE BASE FOR YOURSELF: Develop an unconditional love base with yourself so no matter what you do or don’t do, think or don’t think, be or not be you will unconditionally love yourself without judgment or expectation of yourself. Create your own base of security that is rock solid and not based on the conditional up and down love, judgments and expectations of other people.

3) USE FUNCTIONAL COMMUNICATION TECHNIQUES: Use functional communication techniques such as our 4 Step Communication Technique or Conflict Resolution Technique and find out what both your partner’s and your own communication modes are so you are on the same page in order to communicate. If you decide to, you will draw in whichever functional communication technique that is the highest and best for both you and your partner.

This article only touches on the topic of dysfunction and how to change it, but with a new awareness and understanding of the potential reasons for any stall in your relationship, you will now be able to draw in or search out what you need to resolve it if you or your partner do in fact have dysfunctional behaviors.

~ Melody Chase

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Can Two Captains In A Relationship Run The Ship Together?

In our Love by Book (http://www.lovebydesignbook.com/) as well as many of our articles we talk about power struggles. One of the common power struggles include both couples in a relationship wanting to be in charge of the relationship, or what we like to call the Captain of the Ship. We have discussed in our Love by design Book how to develop systems to work with couples where one partner is the Captain and the other partner is the Crew but we have not gone over the question, can two Captains in a relationship run a ship together?

The answer is yes, if they have as many as possible of the following factors in their relationship.

1) The same values and visions

2) Understand that their partner has a good intent.

3) Have an interest and openness to learn new systems

I’ll go over each factor in more detail.

1) The Same Values and Visions

Having the same values and visions is what will determine whether the couple will fight like cats and dogs are not. Values can be described as something that is important to you. It is something that you are willing to focus on, and put attention and time into in order to maintain. A vision is what a person targets as a focus and future goal to move towards. It can be a way of life, a specific goal, a timeline or anything that moves a person towards something and causes a person to focus concentrated energy on.

In any relationship if a couple doesn’t have the same values and visions there will open and hidden power struggles as well as one or both partners not getting what they want.

When two Captains don’t have the same values and visions it can be explosive because both are dominant and unless they understand that there are others ways to get what they want other than forcing a person, they will continue to force the other person to do what they want to do.

Other personalities such as people who like to be a member of the crew can handle the Captain’s directive approach, but if another Captain is not on the same agenda, there is no way the other Captain is giving over the reins. So the couple spends all their time fighting and arguing and doing their own thing, so nothing is productive or is really getting accomplished. They are both subjecting themselves to a toxic and deficient environment. Yes, Captains are more immune to conflict and often enjoy it, but even they after a certain point can get worn down from the constant aggravation of the power struggle.

An example of this is a couple that Rob (Director/ Counsellor Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre) sees at our Centre who we will can Roman and Pam. They are a married couple in their 40s with children. Both are very successful career people. Both of them are Driver Analytical personalities although Pam is also Expressive. To explain personalities, at our Centre, we have a Personality Chart that we use, that involves 4 basic personality types that can have 16 variations when the personalities are mixed together. To keep my example simple, the following is a very basic overview of the four main types (For an extensive understanding, check out our Love by Design Book at (http://www.lovebydesignbook,com/ )

Drivers: Are bottom line aggressive people who like results, tasks, control dominance and authority. They are independent, goal oriented, bossy, and sometimes even rude.

Expressives: Are emotionally based, love people, dominant and friendly, love appreciation, approval, centre stage, change their minds a lot, charming, humorous and fun. They have excellent people skills.

Amiables: Are friendly, like people, not aggressive, tend to promote harmony, safety, security, like to blend in and not make waves, accepting.

Analyticals: Analyticals like to work alone, precise, accurate, have rules, standards and procedures, finicky. Judgmental, critical and sometimes negative.

Roman is work and relationship centred. Pam on the other hand is work centred, family then relationship centred. Even though their values almost align, the problem occurs between the family centredness for Pam and the relationship centeredness with Roman which causes a constant power struggle. Since both of them are dominant personalities neither one of them are going to back down on what it is that they want to do.

Now contrast that to two captains (who are in their 40s) who have the same values and visions. Take my brother and sister in law for example. They are not clients; in fact they have never had any need to go for counselling. Both of them are Driver Analyticals, both of them are very talented and very successful careers. They got married in their 20s and had 3 children while in their 30s.

They love to argue with other people and always held positions of leadership in any occupation they had. Yet they never argue with each others. They get along like two peas in a pod. Why? Because they both share the same values and visions. They are always aiming for the same goal so no one is getting in the way other the other person’s needs or forcing the other to do something they don’t want to do when they don’t want to do it.

2) Understand that their partner has a good intent

The Competitive Adversarial Paradigm (C.A.P.) is a belief system that the world is scarce, there is a lack of abundance and not enough resources in the world for everyone, therefore everyone has to grab for the limited resources. They have been taught that the way to do that is to fight and compete for these limited resources and in order to survive and strive, they have to win. There is no such thing as a win, win, there is only win or lose.

The C.A.P., (which is what the majority of our society is in,) has a large effect on how one partner will view the other partner. Since they believe the world is a scarce place, people are going to be trying to take something away from them, especially if the partner in judgment is a Driver personality. One of the Driver’s greatest fears is not to be taken advantage of. Any actions that appear like they are being taken advantage of will come across to the Driver that they are dealing with a bad person, an enemy. The other personalities aren’t off the hook either, for an Expressive, if they think their partner is trying to make them look bad or intentionally trying to take their freedom away, they will judge their partner as bad or that they have a bad intent. An Amiable person will think their partner is bad or has a bad intent if they don’t promote harmony or are willing to go along with the Amiable’s balancing act. An Analytical will think their partner has a bad intent if they are not following the Analytical’s rules and order.

The key here is understanding. With the exception of dealing with a character disordered person, their partner is only trying to get what they want in the way they know how. It is nothing personal, it is not that they are intentionally doing something to hurt you and it is an abundant universe so you can replace anything that they appear to be taking away. As long as both partners understand this, then there will be no need to go into battle against each other, build up protective barriers or constantly be on the defense. This frees up energy, drive and focus to deal with their task at hand instead of battling each other.

3) Have an interest and openness to learn new systems

Even with couples that are not that compatible but decide to stay in their relationships for the time being can successfully get along, be functional and effective if they are open to new systems. This is the same for two Captains in a relationship.

At our centre we often have couples where both members are Captains and the difference between the couples that get stalled in their counselling and the couples that make progress are that the couples that are open to learning and accepting responsibility for themselves. Partners who believe that there is nothing wrong or they don’t have hand in the issues in the relationship or who are not interested in learning do not get anywhere.

Even with Roman and Pam, for the first three months of seeing us, Roman didn’t think he had to change or learn everything; it was Pam who had to change. The relationship counselling wasn’t going anywhere after three months, Roman tried blaming us saying that we didn’t have anything to offer them that could help their relationship. Pam was picking up our system, but Roman wasn’t convinced that he needed learn or change any way of thinking.

Just before Roman was about to call it quits with the counselling, he finally decided to be open to learning some of our concepts. He then began to understand and suddenly he couldn’t get enough information. Roman wanted to start coming in for individual counselling and even though Roman and Pam still had some issues to deal with regarding their value clashes, they were now both open to understanding each other as well as learning relationship mastery skills in order to be able to enhance their ability to both be captains in their relationship.

So then you may be asking, in addition to relationship mastery skills and a shift in their paradigm from the C.A.P. what are the most important understanding and or system that Captains need to know? For starters, Rob said the couple need to:

• Understand what their areas of conflict are including their values and visions
• The couple needs to setup up a structure where they have a division of labour or else they will step on each other’s toes.

With all of the above factors, two Captains can share the helm and have a creative, expansive, productive and yes, even peaceful relationship together.

Melody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design. She can be reached by email at support@lovebydesign.com

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Can I Get What I Want If I Threaten To Leave The Relationship?

We had a woman come to see us at the Centre in order to find a way on how to cope in regards to leaving her partner. At first we thought she either needed encouragement or backup for her choice for leaving and /or emotional validation. To our surprise we found out what she really wanted was a coping strategy in order to be able to carry out her plan.

Plan? Yes, she had a plan that she was going to threaten to leave the relationship, and if her partner didn’t do what she wanted him to do, she would leave, he would then be forced to change and do what she wanted him to do.

The trouble was she had never tried this before and she was afraid that if she left he may take the opportunity to leave the relationship and her plan would backfire. She wanted to find a coping strategy to deal with the anxiety caused by the unpredictability of the situation.

This woman came from a Competitive Adversarial Paradigm where she believed that the only way that you can get what you want is by forcing the other person into it and getting them to change.

Apparently any strategy that she had tried before coming to see us didn’t appear to be working, so she decided the best strategy would be to threaten her partner. Her mind was made up and she wasn’t interested in learning any new paradigms such as relationships are a mutual fulfilling of needs, learning about highest and best relationships or even basic relationship mastery skills, she truly believed using the “take-away” technique would be the best way to go.

Since we came from a different paradigm than her, we weren’t able to help her. She didn’t return after the first session. After the session was over, I asked Rob (Director/ Counsellor of the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre) if threatening to leave the relationship was a common practice in relationships.

Rob said yes, in fact it is often the reason why couples end up coming to counseling in the first place, because one of the partners is threatening to leave. The partner, who is threatening to leave, is planning on using the counseling session as leverage and the partner who is being threatened often end up coming to the session because they are scared. So I asked Rob, well if the woman that just came to see us is so convinced that threatening or leaving the relationship is the most effective way to get what she wants, why is she having so much anxiety about it?

Rob explained that besides the fact that she has never actually left before so it is something completely new to her, the anxiety may be a sign that at some level this isn’t the highest and best way for her to go, but she is just not willing to listen because she hasn’t be taught any other way in order to get her needs met.

So then, if there is so many people out there who believe or thinking about leaving their partner as a way to get want, the next natural question would be, can they really get what they want going that route?

Through Rob’s and mine's experience over the years, the answer to that question may be “yes” in the short-term, but “no” in the long term.

The question really lies in the reasons as to why the partner isn’t getting what they want? Is the threat of leaving enough of an eye opener for the threatened partner and if it is, is the other partner really being authentic or are they just giving the leaving partner what they want to prevent them from leaving?

There are several reasons why the threatened partner was originally not giving the leaving partner what they want including:

They may not be aware of what the partner wants.

They may not be aware that there is a problem, or they may not agree that what their partner considers to be a problem.

They may not be able to give their partner what they want because of incompatibilities such as different communication modes, values or visions.

They may not have relationship mastery skills, such as conflict resolution and how to be emotionally validating.

They have dysfunctional or toxic tendencies such as emotional baggage, emotionally shutdown or borderline personality.

They may simply not want to or be interested in giving the leaving partner what they want in the way they want it.

They may not be getting their own needs met.

So once the leaving partner has the attention of the threatened partner, now what? Is the threatened partner acting authentically or just out of fear? Will the original issues reoccur overtime if not addressed?

Unless the partner simply wasn’t aware and now understands and authentically can give the threatening partner what they want, indeed the issues will return eventually.

Of course, there is also the potential that threatened partner may be thinking of having an affair or already is, and a threat of their partner leaving is just the out that they need, so again threatening may not always be the best route to go. If the threatened partner is considering wanting to get out themselves, again it is important to find out why they are unhappy and also incase it may be areas that can be resolved like relationship mastery skills.


Even if for the simple purpose of finding out that you are incompatible, it is in both partners’ best interest to find out what is really going on. So whether they end up staying or going, at least everything is out in the open and what can be learned about them and their partner can be applied to any relationship in the future.

Melody Chase is a Writer and Counsellor at the Centre for Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design. She can be reached by email at support@lovebydesign.com

~ Melody Chase
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Why Can’t My Partner Treat Me Right?

PART ONE

By Melody Chase

“Why can’t he just be nice and treat me right?” Iris asked, as she wiped the tears from her eyes with a tissue.

Iris had come to see us for relationship counselling at our Centre with her husband Archie. Among several compatibility and relationship Mastery issues that the couple was experiencing the one issue that Iris was having the most trouble with was that Iris didn’t like the way Archie treated her. Specifically, it was the way he would talk to her including having an angry tone, raising his voice, correcting her, sarcasism, trying to teach her the “right way” and just trying to control her in general.

Iris was trying to cope with his style but after a while she couldn’t take it anymore. She would tell him this, but he would dismiss her feelings saying that she was the one with the problem, she’s just too sensitive, emotional and insecure and that she has unresolved issues with her father. In his opinion it was perfectly fine the way he talked to her, in fact he talked like that to other people, including people at work and no one reacted or complained the way she does.

At our centre, this is a similar pattern we have seen between different personalities. Most common is where one partner is a task-oriented Driver and the other partner is one of the people-centred personalities such as an Expressive or an Amiable.

Before we continue, here is a brief overview of the 4 main personality types.

At our Centre, we have a Personality Chart that we use, that involves 4 basic personality types that can have 16 variations when the personalities are mixed together. To keep my example simple, the following is a very basic overview of the four main types (For an extensive understanding, check out our Love by Design Book)

Drivers: Are bottom line aggressive people who like results, tasks, control dominance and authority. They are independent, goal oriented, bossy, and sometimes even rude.

Expressives: Are emotionally based, love people, dominant and friendly, love appreciation, approval, centre stage, change their minds a lot, charming, humorous and fun. They have excellent people skills.

Amiables: Are friendly, like people, not aggressive, tend to promote harmony, safety, security, like to blend in and not make waves, accepting.

Analyticals: Analyticals like to work alone, precise, accurate, have rules, standards and procedures, finicky. Judgmental, critical and sometimes negative.

With our couple, Archie is a Driver, Iris is an Expressive. Archie often comes across as being not so nice to other personalities such as Iris because of any of the possible reasons or combination of reasons:

A Driver’s main drive is to get from A-B, one of their main values, and need is to be in control and most Driver’s have a metaprogram of the Big Picture versus Details;

Drivers are usually very successful in their jobs using the techniques that they use to talk to people.

Drivers are Task-centred Vs People-centred.

So what does this mean? It means that if have a partner who is a Driver, you will often get a partner who is not very nice to you especially if they are in TASK mode and focused on achieving the goal now.

Let’s go over each of these points in further detail:

1) A-B: Drivers want interactions to be short, to the point and without a lot of detail. This means that they would rather use techniques that can control people quickly versus taking the time to systematically deal with the other person. This means that even if they were consciously aware of the fact that he/she would need to validate, empathize and agree to disagree with their partner while unconditionally loving them, they would still rather cut to the chase. (In their mind thinking that it is still quicker route in order to get to their A-B.) Most commonly, the techniques that a Driver would use include teaching, correcting and raising their voice.

What they think is a shortcut is actually causing a prolonged interaction and/ or long-term damage to the relationship, depending on the personality of their partner.

2) SUCCESSFUL AT WORK: The Driver may be totally oblivious to the damage they are causing even if their partner is directly telling them so because they can get away with these techniques with other people and can be successful, especially in work situations. Driver’s often make logic based decisions, versus emotional based decisions, so their logical conclusion then, that since they don’t have any problems communicating with most other people that there is something wrong with their partner, not the way they are treating them. Their partner is too sensitive, too emotional, illogical, have issues. If the Driver is unaware that different personalities need to be treated differently, they will even use psychological terms or counselling terminology against the partner. i.e./ You have baggage, that’s how you were treated as a kid, anything to convince their partner that the partners are the one with the problem and everything would be fine if they just did what they want them to do.


3) TASK-CENTRED: Task-centred people are focused on Tasks, not people, so being courteous and nice is not in their consciousness; it’s getting the task done. To people-centred personalities, it is extremely hard for them to imagine that being nice to others wouldn’t come naturally. This is why Iris asked why Archie just couldn’t be nice to her. It was such a foreign concept for her that someone would not know that you can get more bees with honey. Iris often felt that Archie is personally or intentionally being mean to her.

So whether the Driver does not knows how to treat other personalities, or does know and just doesn’t think it is necessary, there are solutions for both partners in the relationship.

You may be in judgment of the driver however understand that in other situations you would be keen on having a driver. If you had toilet blow up and have a burst pipe you would appreciate the Drivers no nonsense task orientation.
If you were in a war zone you would appreciate a platoon of Driver type soldiers protecting you. If you are having a triple bypass hope your surgeon is a Driver Analytical.

So in relationships these guys and gals may lack some grace, however with training they can be very effective at communication and meeting your needs.

My partner Rob is a Driver personality and he is very skilled at emotional support and communication even though before knowing all the principle we teach now he was basically a bull in a china shop.

In Part two of our article we discuss what both partners can do to improve their situation while still remaining authentic.

PART TWO

FOR THE DRIVER PERSONALITY

If you are a Driver personality, please read this section:

No matter how much you try to force, control, correct or teach you are not going to get your way in the way you want it using your typical approach with every personality.

Certain personalities, and/or mixes of personalities are going to react to your approach by one of several different ways:

- Rebel, including arguing, defending, attacking or counteracting.
- Control Dramas including crying, yelling or leaving the room.
- Shutting down emotionally, withdrawing, or eventually leaving the relationship or seeking out others who will give them what they want.

None of the above reactions are going to give you what you want, in the way you want it.

Sure, you may be right, they may be reacting this way because they are insecure, are being triggered or are replaying patterns form their childhood, however pointing out these issues to them is still not going to give you what you want.

So what will get you what you want?

Relationship Mastery Skills are skills that can be learned and mastered over time. As a Driver we know you may need something quick, straight forward and to the point when you are in a pinch, the following is a “catch all” of sorts that you can draw on.

The first 2 Steps are from the book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality” by J. Kreisman, M.D. and Hal Straus, (Published Avon Books, Feb 01, 1991)

Say the following:

1) I am genuinely concerned about your feelings.
2) It must be horrible that you feel … or that … happened to you.
3) How can I support you?


Tone is the key here, if you try carrying this out with a sarcastic tone (sarcasm being veiled hostility) you will be as successful as your normal approach.

Sincere, neutral tone works best and if you can master the ability to sound loving when you are saying it, the better.

Step 3 is important because as a Driver, you may want to get down to the bottom of things which means you may want to jump right into fixing the problem. This may not be what your partner is looking for. Some people may want you to emphasize with them, or want you to be a witness to their experience or a sounding board for example, without needing the problem fixed.

So simply asking your partner what they want takes the guessing out and increases the speed of their satisfaction. Sometimes even just the 1st two steps are needed in order for your partner to feel emotionally supported.

So bottom line, your task, for you, as a Driver, if you choose to accept is to:

1) Switch Paradigms – From everyone can be communicated to in the same way to different personalities need to be communicated in different ways.
2) You need to learn how to communicate in the way that the other person likes to receive it.


FOR THE PARTNER

As with any situation, you have three options, you can ACCEPT, NEGOTIATE, or LEAVE.

I’ll go over each in turn.

ACCEPT:

Whether you were consciously aware of it or not, if your partner is a Driver personality, that is who you signed up with. It is naturally who they are. A Driver is a Driver, just Like Rob’s favorite fable about the scorpion and the frog. A frog agrees to give a scorpion a ride across the river, the Scorpion promising the frog that he wouldn’t sting him, and then half way across the river he ends stinging the frog. The dying frog asked why the Scorpion went back on his word, the Scorpion replied “I can’t help it, it’s my nature, it is who I am.”

So before you attempt to change or negotiate with a Driver to become “More Nice” , first and foremost it is important to be able to understand, accept, forgive, love and appreciate them for who they naturally are.

There are several benefits to this including:

1) Shadowsides, we often attract our opposites so we will be able to love that hidden or unloved aspect of ourselves. So as long as you do not unconditionally love them, you will continue to draw in these “not so nice” Drivers into your life. What you understand and love you master. Allow other energies and personalities to exist in your and our world. Its all part of nature and the diversity of human beings.
2) Drivers, since they are all about control and not being taken advantage of will often react in extreme ways if they have been traumatized by being rendered powerless, or taken advantage of in the past. So the hidden secret is the more controlling the Driver, the more hurt and insecure they are inside. (They are really big teddy bears inside.) Of course don’t use that as a defense tactic (since that is counterproductive) but just remember that every time they accuse you of being insecure, they are actually protecting their own feelings, needs and values.
3) If you have any unresolved patterns regarding Drivers, especially from childhood, you may draw in a Driver to fill in the pattern. This too can cause a Driver to unconsciously alter their personalities to the dynamics of the relationship and pattern. For example, A Driver who is minorly controlling becomes a sarcastic dictator with you. You may even catch yourself saying “That’s not fair; you don’t treat anyone else like this.”

So regardless of any of these possibilities and regardless of whether you just decide to accept your Driver or try to change them, by understanding, accepting, forgiving and accepting them you will have all bases covered in case it has anything to do with yourself.

NEGOTIATE:

Getting your Driver to be “nicer” is a form of negotiating and potentially changing them, but if they are willing, it is a relationship mastery skill that they can use anywhere, work, home or play. What is important for you to do, as your Driver is learning how to deal with you is the following:

1) Have patience
2) Have no expectations
3) Be detached

For some Drivers, having to learn to approach different personalities is like learning to talk backwards, they get it for a while then reverse back. Like any new system or new pattern, it takes a while to engrain. If the Driver fully understands and embraces the new paradigm shift, it will make a world of difference in their process, but it is for your own peace of mind to have patience, no expectations and detachment.

For example, with Iris and Archie, Iris left one of our sessions with high hopes and great expectations. Archie appeared to have had a breakthrough and understand the new paradigm. His assignment was to “gift-give” and “be nice” to Iris for one week, until our next session. Iris caught herself many times going down certain old relationship patterns and was able to stop herself. She was thinking, since she could do it, plus Archie agreed to gift-give for the week, that everything was going to be just the way she always wanted it.

Within her expectations she left herself wide open for disappointment and hurt because Archie was only at the beginning of his adjustment period, so he quickly and easily went back to his old ways, after a few attempts. This took Iris completely off guard, but since she kept thinking that he agreed to change and expecting it to be instant she kept getting taken off guard by his old responses. Iris ended up feeling devastated, hurt and built up a wall to prevent feeling so vulnerable again. By our next meeting, she was very hesitant about continuing their counselling. Once we explained about how it was process and about how she would need to be patient, have no expectations and detached for her own peace of mind, it became a lot smoother growth experience for the both of them.

TO LEAVE:

In an extreme case, you may have a partner who has had too much past trauma, isn’t ready or not interested in the relationship, not interested in expanding consciousness at this time or is character disordered. In theses situations it is possible for you to carry on with raising your own level of understanding, awareness and consciousness. What will happen is that your partner will also rise in consciousness, or they will fall away in order to be able to draw in someone who is at your new level.

The key here is to be open to what is highest and best for you. What is highest and best for you will also be highest and best for everyone around you. It is also important to not be in judgment as to what is highest and best for your partner. This way you will be open to your feelings and you will know as to whether to remain in your relationship or not.

In conclusion, the good news is that the majority of Drivers although they may seem tough on the outside, are usually dedicated to you and your relationship, so once they are made aware and truly understand “How to be Nice” they will be dedicated to this task as they would any task that they take on.

I’ll talk to you again soon.

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