Rebuilding Relationships Through Unconditional Love -The Importance of Unconditionally Loving All Aspects of Yourself

Dwight is a client who came to see us for Relationship Counselling because he had cheated on his wife Chloe. Dwight was caught cheating, he ended the relationship with the woman he was having an affair with, who we will call Eve, returning to his wife. Dwight apologized and promised on his life to his wife that he will do whatever it takes to make it up to her as well as repair and improve their marriage.

This is why he initially came to see us, with his wife for counselling. However, much to his own horror and to the distress of his wife, he wasn’t happy and found himself at a crossroads, he had discovered what he was missing in his marriage and it was what the woman he had an affair with had to offer. He was afraid that he couldn’t be authentic in his marriage anymore now since he discovered what he was missing.

Dwight came from a family who had repressed their Expressive sides. Expressives are people who are emotionally based, love people, are dominant and friendly, love appreciation, approval, centre stage, change their minds a lot, are charming, humorous and fun. They have excellent people skills.

Dwight’s family was seated in the Old C.A.P. which is a paradigm based on the belief that the world is scarce, there are limited resources and not enough for everyone so you have to fight to survive, it is either win or lose and failure is not option.

So in his family there was no time and no benefit to having fun and there was no such thing as freedom, only scarcity and hard work.

Dwight’s parents have been married for many years. Dwight felt that if he left his wife he would be a failure – after all his parents had survived together all these years.

Whether his parents were naturally compatible or not or whether they kept together by the Old C.A.P. and stubbornly refused to get divorced I don’t know, but that is actually a side issue.

The deeper issue is that Dwight has a repressed Expressive side and he had attracted a High Expressive by the name of Eve into his life in order to feel whole and vicariously live through her since he wouldn’t be able to accept and love himself if he expressed his Expressive side. This is because his parents wouldn’t have unconditionally loved him as a child if he had expressed himself and if he tried to have fun because of their Old C.A.P. got strive to survive belief system.

Now his wife Chloe has an Expressive side to her, that is why he was initially attracted to her but once their courtship was over, the patterns and emotional wounds from his parents kicked in and now he won’t allow and unconditionally love his wife’s Expressive side either.

So like his parents consciously or unconsciously – he is now preventing his wife from being Expressive also. What is interesting, is that Chloe’s own parents didn’t allow her to be Expressive either, they taught her that she had to be mature and responsible all the time, so she was looking for permission to have fun, but her pattern fits hand and glove with her husbands so once again, she is being forced to be mature and responsible all the time.

The result was that Dwight and Chloe have a muted, inauthentic, boring relationship because Dwight cannot accept his wife’s or his own Expressive side.

Eventually though, Dwight’s Expressive side was seeking fun and freedom which lead to his affair with a High Expressive in order to seek wholeness within himself.

Having so much fun and satisfaction with his Eve, he can now no longer go back to his mundane life with his wife Cloe even though he wants to stay with her because he loves her and was initially attracted to her.

The thing is, his wife Chloe has an Expressive side to her so there is a possibility that Dwight could have that spontaneous and fun life with her.

However regardless of whoever he chooses to be with or whoever his natural highest and best relationship is, he needs to heal his childhood patterns, wounds and any judgments he has about the Expressive personality in order to accept and unconditionally love that aspect of himself.

This is because otherwise he will continue to seek it outside of himself and once he does find that Expressive person outside himself, he will start to repress that other person’s Expressive side just as he did with his wife until the relationship is as stale and muted as his marriage is now.

When our Counsellor Leslie who was working with both Dwight and Chloe explained to them about their repressed Expressive sides, the importance of unconditionally loving themselves and what their wounds and patterns were, everything was so clear and obvious to them to the both of them, Dwight and Chloe agreed to put their relationship on hold and to both get individual therapy to heal and learn to unconditionally love themselves.

I’ll keep you posted on their evolution in a future article.

Special Note: By serendipity when I went to save this article I accidentally saved it under a different title then the one I originally was going to name it, the title that came up was “Rebuilding Relationships through Unconditional Love”. I don’t believe it was an accident, I forgot to include that couple healing and learning about unconditional love individually is actually the true way on how to rebuild a relationship because everyone gets to start on a clear slate that is not influenced by their past. With a clear slate people can truly find out if they are compatible and if they are, they can be full and authentic expressions of themselves in the relationship.

For more information on rebuilding your relationship and personal work or therapy, check out our new Counsellor Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com/

Melody Chase

Relationship Quiz

Do You Know What Your Partner Wants? What They Really, Really Want?

All relationships are what we at the Centre For Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre call a mutual fulfillment of needs. A mutual fulfillment of needs means that in order to have a successful and functional relationship, we need to give our partner what he/she wants, in the way that he/she truly wants it.

However what often happens is that we give our partners what WE think our partner would want in the way WE would want it not knowing that everyone, including our partners are unique people with their own needs, wants and requirements.

Let’s use a married couple by the name of Nick and Nancy as an example. Nick would feel cared for by being financially provided for and by being given material things like clothes and nice cars. He thinks that is how Nancy would feel cared for as well, so Nick works overtime, is rarely at home and gives it his all to provide money and nice material things for his wife. Nick is very proud of how hard he is working to show Nancy how he cares for her.

Nancy however, unbeknownst to Nick, actually feels cared for when someone spends time and centres their full attention on her. So even though Nick is trying to show her how much he cares for her in the way he thinks she would because they how he likes to be cared for, she is not aware of this.

Nancy is lonely and feeling uncared for because Nick is working all the time, so she complains to him that she doesn’t feel like he cares for her or wants to care for her.

Nick, totally taken aback whenever she complains, complains right back at her by saying of course he cares for her, look how he’s working so hard to give her what she wants.

Nancy tries explaining to him, that she doesn’t want material things, she just wants him to spend time and pay attention to her. Nick doesn’t understand why she would want that, because he sure wouldn’t want that, and Nancy doesn’t understand that he is trying show her that he cares, because she can’t understand why anyone would want material things.

So hopefully you get the point of how important it is to truly know what you partner needs, wants and requirements are.

Instructions

The following is a quiz for you and your partner to take. How it works is that without looking at each other’s answers, you answer Quiz A, and your partner will answer Quiz B.

When both of you are done, you can check how many of your answers you got right by comparing your Quiz A answers to your partner’s answers from Quiz B. Then if you like, your partner can then take Quiz A, and you can answer Quiz B in order to see if your partner knows what your needs, wants and requires are as well. There is no scoring system because there can be more than one answer per question, the quiz’s main purpose is to be able to see how well you know you partner, and an opportunity to learn something about your partner that you may or may not have known before.

QUIZ A – Do You Know What Your Partner Really Wants?

1) How Does Your Partner Feel Loved? (You can circle more than one answer)

a) By being touched, such as hug, being caressed, kissed, holding hands, or by placing a hand on his/her knee, back or shoulder.
b) By being told they are loved.
c) By receiving gifts or having things done for them.
d) By being understood.

2) How Does Your Partner Give or Show Love? (You can circle more than one answer.)

a) By being touched, such as hug, being caressed, kissed, holding hands, or by placing a hand on his/her knee, back or shoulder.
b) By being told they are loved.
c) By receiving gifts or having things done for them.
d) Being understood.

3) How Does Your Partner Feel Cared For? (For example does your partner feel cared for when he/she is provided with material things, when your partner is paid attention to, when you think of your partner before you make decisions, when you are thoughtful or do things for your partner without him/her having to ask you first etc.)

4) How Does Your Partner Show That They Care?

5) In Order For Your Partner To “Get In The Mood” Which Of The Following Would Get Their Fire Started? (You can circle more than one answer)

a) Being touched such as kissed, hugged, caressed etc.
b) Being talked to or having you whisper in his/her ear.
c) You dressing up, doing a little striptease or you providing a romantic scene like candles or rose peddles on the bed.
d) Have a deep philosophical discussion with you.
e) Being exposed to their favorite scents such as a scented candle, perfume or cologne.

6) What Is The Main Reason Why Your Partner Would Go On A Vacation - Is It For: (You can circle as many as applies)

1) The Food
2) The People
3) The Music
4) The Shopping
5) The Traveling
6) The Scenery/Sightseeing
7) Getting To Talk With You
8) Exploring New Places/New Cultures
9) What He/She Learns/Learning Something New
10)Spending Alone Time With You
11) Playing Sports/Doing Activities With You
12)Spending Time Relaxing, Resting/and or Lounging

7) How Would Your Partner Celebrate His/Her Birthday If They Could Plan Their Own Birthday? (You can circle as many as applies)

1) Celebrate With a Birthday Cake.
2) Going Out For Dinner.
3) Going Out To A Movie.
4) Going Out To a Sporting Event.
5) Staying In and Renting Movies With You.
6) Celebrating With Family and Friends.
7) Having a night of passion with you.
8) Going Out To a Night Club.
9) Going for a walk and talk.
10) Just sitting around and talking.


QUIZ B – What Do You Want? (Have Your Partner Answer This Quiz)

1) How Do You Feel Loved? (You can circle more than one answer)

a) By being touched, such as hug, being caressed, kissed, holding hands, or by placing a hand on his/her knee, back or shoulder.
b) By being told they are loved.
c) By receiving gifts or having things done for them.
d) By being understood.


2) How Do You Show Love? (You can circle more than one answer.)

a) By being touched, such as hug, being caressed, kissed, holding hands, or by placing a hand on his/her knee, back or shoulder.
b) By being told they are loved.
c) By receiving gifts or having things done for them.
d) Being understood.


3) How Do You Feel Cared For? (For example do you feel cared for when your partner provides you with material things, when your partner pays attention to you, when your thinks of you before they make decisions, when your partner is thoughtful or does things for you without you to having to ask first etc.)

4) How Do You Show That You Care For Your Partner?

5) In Order For You To “Get In The Mood” Which Of The Following Would Get Your Fire Started? (You can circle more than one answer)

a) Being touched such as kissed, hugged, caressed etc.
b) Being talked to or having you whisper in your ear.
c) You dressing up, doing a little striptease or you providing a romantic scene like candles or rose peddles on the bed.
d) Have a deep philosophical discussion with you.
e) Being exposed to their favorite scents such as a scented candle, perfume or cologne.

6) What Is The Main Reason Why You Would Go on a Vacation, Is It For: (You can circle as many as applies)

1) The Food
2) The People
3) The Music
4) The Shopping
5) The Traveling
6) The Scenery/Sightseeing
7) Getting To Talk With You
8) Exploring New Places/New Cultures
9) What He/She Learns/Learning Something New
10) Spending Alone Time With You
11) Playing Sports/Doing Activities With You
12) Spending Time Relaxing, Resting/and or Lounging

7) How Would You Celebrate Your Birthday If You Could Plan Your Own Birthday? (You can circle as many as applies)

1) Celebrate With a Birthday Cake.
2) Going Out For Dinner.
3) Going Out To A Movie.
4) Going Out To a Sporting Event.
5) Staying In and Renting Movies With You.
6) Celebrating With Family and Friends.
7) Having a night of passion with you.
8) Going Out To a Night Club.
9) Going for a walk and talk.
10) Just sitting around and talking.

So how did you and your partner do? If you already know your partner really, really wants – Congratulations! If there were new things that you learned about your partner and that your partner learned about you, congratulations is in order as well, because as we mentioned at the beginning of the article, relationships are all about and giving your partner what they want in the way they want it, and the more you know about your partner, the more easily both of you will be able to continue in having a successful, happy and fulfilling relationship.

For more information and examples of how you and your partner are unique as well as strategies to improve your relationship, check out our new Home Study E- book Program Counsellor In A Box at http://www.counsellorinabox.com/.

Melody Chase