Relationship Quiz

Do You Know What Your Partner Wants? What They Really, Really Want?

All relationships are what we at the Centre For Life Management/ LMC Relationship Centre call a mutual fulfillment of needs. A mutual fulfillment of needs means that in order to have a successful and functional relationship, we need to give our partner what he/she wants, in the way that he/she truly wants it.

However what often happens is that we give our partners what WE think our partner would want in the way WE would want it not knowing that everyone, including our partners are unique people with their own needs, wants and requirements.

Let’s use a married couple by the name of Nick and Nancy as an example. Nick would feel cared for by being financially provided for and by being given material things like clothes and nice cars. He thinks that is how Nancy would feel cared for as well, so Nick works overtime, is rarely at home and gives it his all to provide money and nice material things for his wife. Nick is very proud of how hard he is working to show Nancy how he cares for her.

Nancy however, unbeknownst to Nick, actually feels cared for when someone spends time and centres their full attention on her. So even though Nick is trying to show her how much he cares for her in the way he thinks she would because they how he likes to be cared for, she is not aware of this.

Nancy is lonely and feeling uncared for because Nick is working all the time, so she complains to him that she doesn’t feel like he cares for her or wants to care for her.

Nick, totally taken aback whenever she complains, complains right back at her by saying of course he cares for her, look how he’s working so hard to give her what she wants.

Nancy tries explaining to him, that she doesn’t want material things, she just wants him to spend time and pay attention to her. Nick doesn’t understand why she would want that, because he sure wouldn’t want that, and Nancy doesn’t understand that he is trying show her that he cares, because she can’t understand why anyone would want material things.

So hopefully you get the point of how important it is to truly know what you partner needs, wants and requirements are.

Instructions

The following is a quiz for you and your partner to take. How it works is that without looking at each other’s answers, you answer Quiz A, and your partner will answer Quiz B.

When both of you are done, you can check how many of your answers you got right by comparing your Quiz A answers to your partner’s answers from Quiz B. Then if you like, your partner can then take Quiz A, and you can answer Quiz B in order to see if your partner knows what your needs, wants and requires are as well. There is no scoring system because there can be more than one answer per question, the quiz’s main purpose is to be able to see how well you know you partner, and an opportunity to learn something about your partner that you may or may not have known before.

QUIZ A – Do You Know What Your Partner Really Wants?

1) How Does Your Partner Feel Loved? (You can circle more than one answer)

a) By being touched, such as hug, being caressed, kissed, holding hands, or by placing a hand on his/her knee, back or shoulder.
b) By being told they are loved.
c) By receiving gifts or having things done for them.
d) By being understood.

2) How Does Your Partner Give or Show Love? (You can circle more than one answer.)

a) By being touched, such as hug, being caressed, kissed, holding hands, or by placing a hand on his/her knee, back or shoulder.
b) By being told they are loved.
c) By receiving gifts or having things done for them.
d) Being understood.

3) How Does Your Partner Feel Cared For? (For example does your partner feel cared for when he/she is provided with material things, when your partner is paid attention to, when you think of your partner before you make decisions, when you are thoughtful or do things for your partner without him/her having to ask you first etc.)

4) How Does Your Partner Show That They Care?

5) In Order For Your Partner To “Get In The Mood” Which Of The Following Would Get Their Fire Started? (You can circle more than one answer)

a) Being touched such as kissed, hugged, caressed etc.
b) Being talked to or having you whisper in his/her ear.
c) You dressing up, doing a little striptease or you providing a romantic scene like candles or rose peddles on the bed.
d) Have a deep philosophical discussion with you.
e) Being exposed to their favorite scents such as a scented candle, perfume or cologne.

6) What Is The Main Reason Why Your Partner Would Go On A Vacation - Is It For: (You can circle as many as applies)

1) The Food
2) The People
3) The Music
4) The Shopping
5) The Traveling
6) The Scenery/Sightseeing
7) Getting To Talk With You
8) Exploring New Places/New Cultures
9) What He/She Learns/Learning Something New
10)Spending Alone Time With You
11) Playing Sports/Doing Activities With You
12)Spending Time Relaxing, Resting/and or Lounging

7) How Would Your Partner Celebrate His/Her Birthday If They Could Plan Their Own Birthday? (You can circle as many as applies)

1) Celebrate With a Birthday Cake.
2) Going Out For Dinner.
3) Going Out To A Movie.
4) Going Out To a Sporting Event.
5) Staying In and Renting Movies With You.
6) Celebrating With Family and Friends.
7) Having a night of passion with you.
8) Going Out To a Night Club.
9) Going for a walk and talk.
10) Just sitting around and talking.


QUIZ B – What Do You Want? (Have Your Partner Answer This Quiz)

1) How Do You Feel Loved? (You can circle more than one answer)

a) By being touched, such as hug, being caressed, kissed, holding hands, or by placing a hand on his/her knee, back or shoulder.
b) By being told they are loved.
c) By receiving gifts or having things done for them.
d) By being understood.


2) How Do You Show Love? (You can circle more than one answer.)

a) By being touched, such as hug, being caressed, kissed, holding hands, or by placing a hand on his/her knee, back or shoulder.
b) By being told they are loved.
c) By receiving gifts or having things done for them.
d) Being understood.


3) How Do You Feel Cared For? (For example do you feel cared for when your partner provides you with material things, when your partner pays attention to you, when your thinks of you before they make decisions, when your partner is thoughtful or does things for you without you to having to ask first etc.)

4) How Do You Show That You Care For Your Partner?

5) In Order For You To “Get In The Mood” Which Of The Following Would Get Your Fire Started? (You can circle more than one answer)

a) Being touched such as kissed, hugged, caressed etc.
b) Being talked to or having you whisper in your ear.
c) You dressing up, doing a little striptease or you providing a romantic scene like candles or rose peddles on the bed.
d) Have a deep philosophical discussion with you.
e) Being exposed to their favorite scents such as a scented candle, perfume or cologne.

6) What Is The Main Reason Why You Would Go on a Vacation, Is It For: (You can circle as many as applies)

1) The Food
2) The People
3) The Music
4) The Shopping
5) The Traveling
6) The Scenery/Sightseeing
7) Getting To Talk With You
8) Exploring New Places/New Cultures
9) What He/She Learns/Learning Something New
10) Spending Alone Time With You
11) Playing Sports/Doing Activities With You
12) Spending Time Relaxing, Resting/and or Lounging

7) How Would You Celebrate Your Birthday If You Could Plan Your Own Birthday? (You can circle as many as applies)

1) Celebrate With a Birthday Cake.
2) Going Out For Dinner.
3) Going Out To A Movie.
4) Going Out To a Sporting Event.
5) Staying In and Renting Movies With You.
6) Celebrating With Family and Friends.
7) Having a night of passion with you.
8) Going Out To a Night Club.
9) Going for a walk and talk.
10) Just sitting around and talking.

So how did you and your partner do? If you already know your partner really, really wants – Congratulations! If there were new things that you learned about your partner and that your partner learned about you, congratulations is in order as well, because as we mentioned at the beginning of the article, relationships are all about and giving your partner what they want in the way they want it, and the more you know about your partner, the more easily both of you will be able to continue in having a successful, happy and fulfilling relationship.

For more information and examples of how you and your partner are unique as well as strategies to improve your relationship, check out our new Home Study E- book Program Counsellor In A Box at http://www.counsellorinabox.com/.

Melody Chase

Is There Stress in Your Relationship Because Your Children Just Don’t Listen?

By Tanis Nicole Wright

Is there a lot of stress and strain in your relationship because your children just don’t listen? Does your relationship with your partner fall to the wayside because you spend the majority of your waking moments chasing after your children because they are not listening to you and you feel like you have to micro-manage?

Do you have no energy left for romance let alone being able to spend quality time with your partner because all your energy is spent being frustrated and blocked by your children’s apparent inability to follow orders?

Well, the good news is you may be able to get back your time and energy and a balanced family life simply by understanding what the communication block is between you and your children.

Of course every child is unique, some children need their freedom more than others, some children enjoy structure and some do not but what they all do have is 1, 2, 3 or 4 communication modalities or communication modes in common.

What is a communication modality or mode?

As Dr. Robby (Director of the Life Management Centre/LMC Relationship Centre and Developer of the Better Parents, Better Kids Program) explains:

“Communication is the result you get. Different people are on different channels. We learn, we express love and communicate through different modes or combinations of modes. It is important to know who you are playing with, what channel they are playing on or else your communication will not be very effective. We basically all want to get what we want. If you cannot get your message through of what your needs, wants, dreams, goals and visions are, you will be very frustrated and stressed. So an understanding of communication modes is a basic skill for relationship success whether that is a relationship with a partner, your children, friends, family or coworkers.”

The following is a very basic definition of the Communication modes. You can be primarily one mode or a mixture of up to all four.

Visual people communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things. They learn by seeing and doing.

Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you. They learn by hearing.

Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood. They learn by understanding.

Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. They move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activities and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched. They learn through touch and through experience.

So children are not any different. If you are giving children orders or directions and they are not picking up your orders because it is in your own communication mode and not their own communication mode, they will genuinely not pick up or learn what you are trying to tell them or teach them. They are not being stubborn or defiant, they genuinely aren’t receiving it, it’s like you are talking on an AM radio station and you children is receiving on an FM radio station.

For example, my youngest son is a Visual child and I used to have to repeatedly tell him to pick up his cloths and clean his room, but to him my auditory orders is basically like the teachers on the Charlie Brown cartoons, just a series of muffled noises. However, after learning about communication modes, I realized that if I wanted to get across to him what I wanted, I had to show him what I wanted him to do or do it with him, since a Visual child, just like a Visual adult like doing things with you as does a Kinesthetic child. The result is now I never have to repeat myself with my son; he picks up and understands my visual cues.


For an Auditory child, if you are a Visual parent and you are showing your child how to clean and tidy up, it won’t have an impact on them unless you tell them what you want and/or narrate as you are doing it. This works for a Digital child as well, if you explain step by step what you are doing so they understand the whole process.

For a Kinesthetic child, let them do a run through themselves or let them hold on to or touch what it is that you are teaching or getting them to do. Kinesthetic children learn and remember through touch. Even though a Visual child likes doing, a Visual child can learn by just seeing and watching, where as a Kinesthetic child has to go through the motions to truly learn.

There is a part of you (especially if you are Visual) saying “Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it, there is also a part of you that is also connecting the dots and saying “Yeah, that makes sense and that explains why my child does what they do that way.”

So go ahead and come up with creative ways to communicate with your children in their communication modes and see, hear, understand and/or feel what happens. You may just get the time for that romantic interlude with your partner yet.

If you have any questions or want to find out how to test your children’s communication modes check out our new book called Better Parents, Better Kids at www.betterparentsbetterkids.com/ or contact us at
relationshipcentre@shaw.ca. We also offer parenting coaching in our Better Parents Better Kids Program at www.betterparentsbetterkids.com/coaching.html

Tanis Nicole Wright is the Head Consultant/ Coach for the Better Parent, Better Kids Program as well as co-author of Better Parents, Better Kids E-book (www.betterparentsbetterkids.com). She can be reached by email at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca