Hi Everyone,
In This Part 3 of the 3 Part Video Series – Relationship Advice: What to Do When Your Partner Left You for a Narcissist – I explain how wanting to be back together with your ex-partner when the other man or woman is a Narcissist is a unique situation and what is the right thing to do and what is the right Mindset to have during the Meantime as you wait for your partner to return.
Click Here For Video Part #3:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22dIzv8Dbeg
Video #3 Transcript
Hi Everyone,
It is Melody Chase.
Welcome to Part 3 of our Relationship Advice Series Video #3 – What Do to When Your Ex-partner has left your for an Narcissist.
If you haven’t watched Part 1 and Part 2 of this Series I would recommend watching those videos first and then join us here for Part 3.
In Part One I described what a Narcissist is, in Part 2 I explained how they managed to basically kidnap your partner and how they are keeping the hold on our partner as your partner is under the Narcissist’s control.
Now for Part 3 I will explain why being someone who wants to get back with the ex-partner who is with a Narcissist is unique and what it is that you have to do in order to wait out the Meantime Process in order to get back with your ex-partner.
When people find out you are holding a candle for your ex-partner most people think you are crazy, your partner is not deserving of having you back since they did chose to be with this other man or woman plus your partner originally initiated a relationship with this other man or woman.
Most People don’t understand what you are talking about when you say a “Narcissist kidnapped your partner” or the Stockholm Syndrome is in effect” – they pretty much think your relationship is a lost cause, you just don’t want to admit defeat, your partner is simply happier with someone else and it is time for you to carry on and find someone who will unconditionally love you for you and will make you happy.
However, a Counsellor in a Box Customer who is in this situation right now with his own wife who chose to be with another man who is a Narcissist explained the situation in the best way I ever heard, he said:
“A person in my position can accept that a Mid Life crisis is a mental lapse and potentially something that lasts a few years, often connected to hormonal changes (both men and women) and that many individuals are damaged by insensitive treatment as children which results in them becoming Narcissists in adulthood who seek out people who are vulnerable to becoming a source of Narcissistic Supply such as someone going through a Mid-life Crisis – others would be able to understand then and realize that you need tolerance and understanding as you cannot change progress, but only by not reacting to make things worse is the route that one can take until the process runs its course.”
So this situation is real, it is much more common then a person imagines but you and many other partners like you out there find yourself isolated and alone because no one understands what you are going through and can’t figure out why you just don’t give up or give your ex-partner an ultimatum – it’s eithor you or the other man or woman and that’s it.
Unfortunately, unlike a normal situation where a person has left for another man or woman and it is simply a matter of an ultimatum or waiting on the contrast effect for their partner to come back kicks in – give you ex-partner an ultimatum between you and the Narcissist or do anything rash or confrontal your ex-partner will not only chose the Narcissist they will be ensnared closer to the Narcissist.
If Narcissists feel threatened in anyway they will eithor seek to destroy the threat like the Terminator in which ever way they can (and they know how to use the Court system because they have used it to their advantage many times before so always be careful not to threaten the Narcissist yourself even if the Narcissist threatens first – just keep your own records of events or report any threats to the police but never initiate anything yourself) or if the Narcissist sees you as a threat the Narcissist will reign in your ex-partner even closer and go so far as to even threaten to get a Private Investigator to keep an eye on you and your ex-partner (tapping phones is not beyond the scope of ideas) and will request to see your partner’s phone-bills to a be able to account for anything that you ex-partner is doing and the Narcissist can totally get away with doing this because they hold your ex-partner over the barrel by threatening to leave if he or she doesn’t agree to the Narcissist’s terms.
The Narcissist will also often use the excuse that they have been taken advantage off and cheated on so many times in the past they just can’t handle being cheated on so they have to protect themselves and it is nothing personal to your ex-partner
The emotional terrorism also creates a negative association to you – it is so scary and stressful for your ex-partner to have contact with you even if they desire to do so gets to a point where it doesn’t feel like it is worth it to do so any longer and you are seen as the source of their unhappiness and/or potential unhappiness instead of Narcissist.
The Narcissist’s stories of woe about having been so wrongfully hurt in the past by partners will also convince your ex-partner that is it morally wrong to go behind the Narcissist’s back.
What the Narcissist is really doing is using your ex-partner as a source of? Narcissistic Supply by putting your partner between a rock and a hard place generating overwhelming guilt from your ex-partner to a point where there are too emotionally exhausted to even come to a win-win solution to order to have contact with you.
The Narcissist will also be keeping regular tabs on their Narcissistic Supply even without any reason so it will seem as if they have a 6th sense and will interrupt any contact you will attempt to have with your ex-partner anyway.
The only direction you can go in this situation then is not to be a Narcissistic Supply yourself (chances are you, yourself are also vulnerable to Narcissists so it was both you and your partner who drew the Narcissist in, in the first place) and do not further create opportunities for your ex-partner to be a source of Narcissistic Supply as well.
So what you need to do is not give the Narcissist the time of day and do not react to anything that the Narcissist and your ex-partner are doing together – protect your health, peace of mind, family, business and finances – otherwise let your ex-partner come to his or her own realizations of the situation that they are in.
So if you can keep some contact with you ex-partner and when in contact be polite, warm, friendly and loving plus if you can use the chance to resolve any old issues the two of you have had (this creates bonding and a clearing of blocked energy for the two of you) otherwise just let your ex-partner be.
It may seen throughout the course of this Video Series that we are being really dis-empowering to your ex-partner as if they don’t have a mind of their own – but by letting them be they will find out for themselves whether they are truly happy or not with this Narcissist -it is not your place to point it out to them – it is your place to offer them a supportive place to go if they chose to get out and that you will always love them and you are going to make the best of your life in the meantime and stay healthy and strong and be successful so that if he or she chooses to come back they will come back to a person who is whole, healthy and ready to rebuild a relationship with him or her.
The biggest challenge is that it may take longer than you were expecting to wait for your partner to come back – but as Bono from U2 once said “Love is patient, and what the soul loves the soul is willing to wait for” and you will find strength that you never new existed within you and you will find resources to support you along the way.
Speaking of resources – in the Youtube Write-up along with with in our Counsellor in a Box Blog at counsellorinabox.com/blog and our Love By Design Blog at lovebydesignbook.blogspot.com I list some further resources about Narcissists for you in a variety of different areas.
As well anyone who orders our Counsellor in a Box Program at counsellorinabox.com and Love by Design Program at lovebydesignbook.com you receive a Free Session via Skype, Phone or Email with Robby, The Director of the Centre for Life Management and receive unlimited email access to myself where we can give you further support and information about how to manage the meantime while your ex-partner is with a Narcissist.
If you have any questions you can contact myself or Robby at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca
Thank you, have a Wonderful Day and Bye for Now!
Melody Chase
A Special Message From the Counsellor in a Box Customer Mentioned in Part 3 of our Video Series
Upon watching Part 3 of our Series the Customer Who I mentioned in the Video was inspired to share this very important message with those who are dealing with Partners Who Have Left To Be With a Narcissist
“What I notice is that when the narcissist thinks he has won, he will rest. He thinks he has done it. If you have followed the plan as outlined by Melody, then is the time to still be distant, still give the impression of being ‘defeated’, but be completely agreeable to everything your partner requests (within boundaries) so that your partner feels safe and secure with you but without thinking that you want them back. Be their best friend but be wanting nothing in return.
In this way you have your self respect as you are a strong independent individual, BUT YOU ARE SO STRONG that you can be able to accept requests that are of no consequence to your position.
People considering this, in the previous stages that I have been through, will think this is rubbish because they may not have reached the stage of detachment yet. The pain will still be too strong. But we all get there… be patient, it will come.
For me this agreeable position was to allow my wife more money monthly. I was actually stepping away from the relationship but giving her more. In this way you give ground but take it back by giving the knowledge that you want nothing but the well being of your partner.
You see this is unconditional love AND the narcissist cannot do that. Narcissists only love themselves (because of their past trauma) and cannot genuinely show empathy.
What you do, after the pain has subsided in giving is a genuine act of love which is purity. Oh my God I have found religion. 
But you cannot do this until it feels right AND you MUST give yourself time. We cannot all do this, it is the feature of a strong person. But there are enough of us out there.
The very nature of reading this or watching Melody’s videos mean that YOU ARE a strong person.
Weak people walk away from marriage when it gets rocky.
This is the difference between a good marriage and a narcissist captivating your partner. Unconditional love a narcissist cannot compete with, because it is not part of their fabric.
Thank you Melody, I cannot tell you what an inspiration these videos are.”
~A.W.~
Further Information and Resources on Narcissists:
The link for the full definition of the Narcissist Personality Disorder from wiki. answers.com is:
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_definition_of_the_Narcissistic_Personality_Disorder#ixzz1H4dvOnD
Part 1 “I, Psychopath” a Video Documentary about a Psychopath/Malignant Narcissist named Sam Vaknin who has dedicate his life helping others to understand Psychopaths and Narcissists.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKn4IYpXK6g
Narcissism: The Web of Illusion, Discover The Truth About Narcissism By Kaleah LaRoche
http://www.narcissismmalignant.com/
Love Fraud: How To Know When Love Is A Con Website
http://www.lovefraud.com/\
Malignant Self- Love: Narcissism Revisited
http://samvak.tripod.com
You Can Save This Marriage – Larry Bilotta’s Marriage Expert Website (Recommended by our Customer mentioned in Part 3 – Larry was able to assist our Customer? in learning how to block negative feelings and enhance positive – something that is key in order to be happy and successful during the Meantime Process as your partner goes through his or her process with the Narcissist)
http://www.youcansavethismarriage.com/
Reality Transurfing – By Vadim Zeland ( Also Highly Recommended by Our Customer Mentioned in Part 3 – he says in the section of the book that talks about Pendulums – the book explains about how easy it is to recognize Narcissists and how to deal with them)
http://zelands.com/e_book1.htm
Toxic Parenting: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
http://www.susanforward.com/author.htm
Recover From Narcissistic Abuse!- Kaleah LaRoche
http://www.narcissismfree.com/
How To Survive Cheating and Narcissism Healing From an Addiction To a Narcissist – By Maria Ava
http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/how-to-survive-cheating-and-narcissism-healing-from-an-addiction-to-a-narcissist-996354.html
Narcissistic Abuse by Anne Brady
http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/
Other Websites Mentioned:
Counsellor in a Box Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com and Love By Design Program at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com
Any questions you can reach Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca
Warm Regards,
Melody Chase
