Narcissist Series Part 4 - Realizing It Is Not A Quick Fix

Hi Everyone,

I am finally back on schedule for the continuation of our Narcissist Series. There will be 3 more videos to the series which have been inspired by the correspondence between one of our Counsellor in a Box Customers by the name of A.W.

The topics A.W. discusses and the way of how he explains his views and experiences is amazing so I just had to share and continue on with the series in order to be able to get his information and messages out to everyone.

For today's video called Narcissist Series Part 4 - Time: Realizing That This Is Not a Quick Fix is exactly what the title says, I have included the Transcript of the Video below as well as the 1st email by A.W. by the same title.

Click on the Link Below To View The Video:

http://youtu.be/rn3_xZJXUSs

Transcript

Hi It is Melody Chase, Co-author of our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program. (http://www.counsellorinabox.com)

The next 3 parts of our Narcissist Series is going to be based on a series of emails by A.W. one of our Counsellor in a Box Customers whose wife left him for a Narcissist.

A.W. sent me an email called Time: Realizing This Is Not a Quick Fix and he really captured the feeling and reality of what it is like to realize that whatever caused your partner to become ensnared into the Narcissist's web is going to take a long time to unravel itself and the Narcissist is the Effect but the cause is a mixture of what was going on in your relationship, what was going on with you and what was going on with your partner.

So it is going to take patience and a lot of healing and courageousness on your part if you choose to remain open to getting back together with to your ex-partner.

We had another Counsellor in a Box Customer not A.W. but a female Customer who was prone to panicking and arguing and trying to prove to her ex-partner that they belonged together - after about 6 months she realized all she was doing was pushing her partner away more into the web that the Narcissist has spun.

Our customer was able to detach and her and her ex-partner got into a comfortable balance where her ex-partner after trying to do the best he could to push her away, once given the space came to her and was more honest about his feelings for her and that even though he always wanted to be with someone like this other woman - that had this other woman not hit all the right buttons to ensnare him that he never would have left his partner and that he did still love her and thinks about her all the time.

He was honest in believing that he could never leave the other woman because he was too wrapped up in her and he was sure that this is what he wanted but at least he was no longer saying whatever he could to push our customer away and our customer was at peace knowing that if one day if he was able to overcome his ego desires and fears as well as subconscious mind programs and imprinting and chose self-love over the Relationship addiction or external fix, distraction and searching as a result of his mid-life crisis that she knew he knew she was his home and she was his home as well.

So the two of them got along separately for the next year, the customer had moments where she would panic but for the most part she was living life to the fullest, working on her career and taking care of family, catching up with old friends and making lots of new ones.

Then at about the 1 and 1/2 year mark something began to shift in the customer - it is often common that after a break up at the 1 and 1/2 year point the person who is left behind gets to a point where they are ready to potentially carry on - although others say there is a correlation between how long you are in a relationship as to how long it takes a person to get over the relationship - we will be going over in more detail on that in one of our upcoming Narcissist Series Videos.

In any case the customer was at a new level of detachment and even though the customer is still in-love with her ex-partner she is feeling neutral about seeing other guys and even though it still fulfilling in other ways than with her ex-partner with these other men - at least she is open to whatever unfolds and has companionship.

Then a funny thing happened - instead of further detaching the Customer began to get impatient and demanding instead with her ex-partner and began trying to push him and use the fact that she had guys lined up down the street to force him to take action quicker.

Instead all she got was a devastating repeat of her ex-partner telling her the truth as to why he would never leave the other woman as if no progress had been made in the year and a half and this almost devastated our customer especially since she had been doing so well on focusing on removing a lot of her fears and patterns that had an influence on why they broke up in the first place and everything was thrown back fresh in her face again.

Since reading our Counsellor in a Box Program she knew it was her subconscious mind puppeting her ex, especially because of all the progress she was making, her subconscious mind which has a default program to keep things at a status quo (we all have this built in system) regardless whether this was beneficial to her or not - so if she was making a lot of progress this was an opportune time for the subconscious mind to throw whatever it could at her and see if she would break.

She recovered quite quickly but she realized in that moment whether she likes it or not - there is a process to healing and a process as well that her ex-partner has to go through in order to be able to resolve his mid-life crisis and until both of them are at the same level of higher consciousness and vibration and self-love and unconditional love that she was going to have to settle in and know and not be in resistance to the fact that the situation was not a quick fix and she was going to have to pace herself and be okay with time passing and know that if they are meant to be all of this will all be worth it at the end of the day.

In regards to mentioning that she was now interested in other men - she was being honest about it and this part of the discussion did work in her benefit because for the 1st time her ex-partner realized that there is a potential of her carrying on and he now did truly have to make decisions as to what he wanted to do in his life? - so the best thing she can do now from this point is allow events to unfold while having the confidence and patience that everything will work out for the Highest and Best.

The other question that a person may have is - well, if her getting another boyfriend may have caused a turning point with her ex-partner why didn't she just do this right away when her ex-partner 1st left for the other woman?

Although we will never know for sure chances are the ex-partner was too wrapped up in the other woman and did not have enough time to find out what he was in for with the Narcissist so nothing would have got through to him at that early stage of the game and being so soon after the break-up this would have created a situation where our customer would have been susceptible to a rebound relationship or being a target of an Narcissist herself due to the level of hurt and vulnerability she would have been in at the time.

At least at this point she has time to recover, find herself and her gain her confidence back and more and is able is able to determine whether she is ready to date and know what she is getting herself into.

We will go into more detail about whether a person should date or not when still interested in getting back with their ex-partner in an upcoming Narcissist Video.

In order to find more about the email that inspired this video - please see the comments section on my http://www.counsellorinabox.com/blog and http://www.lovebydesignbook.com below this video.

If you have any questions you can contact me or Robby at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Thank you, have a wonderful day and bye for now!

Melody Chase
http://www.trueloveondemand.com
http://www.lovebydesignbook.com
http://www.counsellorinabox.com
http://www.retrievealover.com
http://www.relationshipbeach.com
http://www.lifequestpublishing.com
Email: relationshipcentre@shaw.ca
(204)475-0323

Here is the Email mentioned in the Video by A.W.

Time: Realizing It Is Not A Quick Fix

Hello again Melody,

These points keep coming to me, this morning as I drive to work....

Time...when this situation explodes we (men at least) are in a hurry to fix, we panic and try to fix everything immediately.
In my experience I asked 'how long will this process take?'

It seems that there is possibly some science involved with calculating your recovery time related to how long you have been in your relationship, but nobody that I am aware of has done this research.

Anyway I was told that there was a correlation between the age your partner is when they slip of the rails and how long it lasts, but when I think about it there is probably also of a link between age and the length of the relationship. I was told that the duration for my wife (aged 50) was likely to be 3-4 years. Younger and it will be shorter, as if this thing has been brewing since childhood and finally pops.

It will be interesting if it is accurate.

When I heard this (3-4 years) I was horrified and wanted to just give up because it was so traumatic and I wanted it over and I was reactionary and almost insane. At age 58 you think you don??t have the time to waste, but this is not waste it is time to understand.

But what you must realize, as a partner, is that the process started a long time before you were aware. Thirty percent of this process has been brewing while you were dreaming. Now you are awake and in panic and calming down for the middle 30 percent (probably at least a year of turmoil) and then either you have killed the relationship dead (yes you) or you have detached and view the situation from a position of strength.

When (if) your partner comes out of this they will be looking for your strength and understanding, your unconditional love and forgiveness. It is not their fault, not your fault.

This is human development that skipped a stage and processes it later in life. (this is my view) .

I say all these things but I am not sure my own outcome will be positive, or if I will want to be with my partner of 30 years. But I will always love her in some way, that is clear and what I see in the past is all positive. a 30 year marriage is some success.

Actually even now the outcome is positive. I feel younger, have a more light attitude and I am more relaxed. It is a huge learning process, painful but I would not have missed it for the world.

Finally I understand more about women. But that is another subject.

~A.W.~

Relationship Advice: What To Do When Your Partner Left You For a Narcissist – Part 3

Hi Everyone,

In This Part 3 of the 3 Part Video Series – Relationship Advice: What to Do When Your Partner Left You for a Narcissist – I explain how wanting to be back together with your ex-partner when the other man or woman is a Narcissist is a unique situation and what is the right thing to do and what is the right Mindset to have during the Meantime as you wait for your partner to return.

Click Here For Video Part #3:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22dIzv8Dbeg

Video #3 Transcript

Hi Everyone,

It is Melody Chase.

Welcome to Part 3 of our Relationship Advice Series Video #3 – What Do to When Your Ex-partner has left your for an Narcissist.

If you haven’t watched Part 1 and Part 2 of this Series I would recommend watching those videos first and then join us here for Part 3.

In Part One I described what a Narcissist is, in Part 2 I explained how they managed to basically kidnap your partner and how they are keeping the hold on our partner as your partner is under the Narcissist’s control.

Now for Part 3 I will explain why being someone who wants to get back with the ex-partner who is with a Narcissist is unique and what it is that you have to do in order to wait out the Meantime Process in order to get back with your ex-partner.

When people find out you are holding a candle for your ex-partner most people think you are crazy, your partner is not deserving of having you back since they did chose to be with this other man or woman plus your partner originally initiated a relationship with this other man or woman.

Most People don’t understand what you are talking about when you say a “Narcissist kidnapped your partner” or the Stockholm Syndrome is in effect” – they pretty much think your relationship is a lost cause, you just don’t want to admit defeat, your partner is simply happier with someone else and it is time for you to carry on and find someone who will unconditionally love you for you and will make you happy.

However, a Counsellor in a Box Customer who is in this situation right now with his own wife who chose to be with another man who is a Narcissist explained the situation in the best way I ever heard, he said:

“A person in my position can accept that a Mid Life crisis is a mental lapse and potentially something that lasts a few years, often connected to hormonal changes (both men and women) and that many individuals are damaged by insensitive treatment as children which results in them becoming Narcissists in adulthood who seek out people who are vulnerable to becoming a source of Narcissistic Supply such as someone going through a Mid-life Crisis – others would be able to understand then and realize that you need tolerance and understanding as you cannot change progress, but only by not reacting to make things worse is the route that one can take until the process runs its course.”

So this situation is real, it is much more common then a person imagines but you and many other partners like you out there find yourself isolated and alone because no one understands what you are going through and can’t figure out why you just don’t give up or give your ex-partner an ultimatum – it’s eithor you or the other man or woman and that’s it.

Unfortunately, unlike a normal situation where a person has left for another man or woman and it is simply a matter of an ultimatum or waiting on the contrast effect for their partner to come back kicks in – give you ex-partner an ultimatum between you and the Narcissist or do anything rash or confrontal your ex-partner will not only chose the Narcissist they will be ensnared closer to the Narcissist.

If Narcissists feel threatened in anyway they will eithor seek to destroy the threat like the Terminator in which ever way they can (and they know how to use the Court system because they have used it to their advantage many times before so always be careful not to threaten the Narcissist yourself even if the Narcissist threatens first – just keep your own records of events or report any threats to the police but never initiate anything yourself) or if the Narcissist sees you as a threat the Narcissist will reign in your ex-partner even closer and go so far as to even threaten to get a Private Investigator to keep an eye on you and your ex-partner (tapping phones is not beyond the scope of ideas) and will request to see your partner’s phone-bills to a be able to account for anything that you ex-partner is doing and the Narcissist can totally get away with doing this because they hold your ex-partner over the barrel by threatening to leave if he or she doesn’t agree to the Narcissist’s terms.

The Narcissist will also often use the excuse that they have been taken advantage off and cheated on so many times in the past they just can’t handle being cheated on so they have to protect themselves and it is nothing personal to your ex-partner

The emotional terrorism also creates a negative association to you – it is so scary and stressful for your ex-partner to have contact with you even if they desire to do so gets to a point where it doesn’t feel like it is worth it to do so any longer and you are seen as the source of their unhappiness and/or potential unhappiness instead of Narcissist.

The Narcissist’s stories of woe about having been so wrongfully hurt in the past by partners will also convince your ex-partner that is it morally wrong to go behind the Narcissist’s back.

What the Narcissist is really doing is using your ex-partner as a source of? Narcissistic Supply by putting your partner between a rock and a hard place generating overwhelming guilt from your ex-partner to a point where there are too emotionally exhausted to even come to a win-win solution to order to have contact with you.

The Narcissist will also be keeping regular tabs on their Narcissistic Supply even without any reason so it will seem as if they have a 6th sense and will interrupt any contact you will attempt to have with your ex-partner anyway.

The only direction you can go in this situation then is not to be a Narcissistic Supply yourself (chances are you, yourself are also vulnerable to Narcissists so it was both you and your partner who drew the Narcissist in, in the first place) and do not further create opportunities for your ex-partner to be a source of Narcissistic Supply as well.

So what you need to do is not give the Narcissist the time of day and do not react to anything that the Narcissist and your ex-partner are doing together – protect your health, peace of mind, family, business and finances – otherwise let your ex-partner come to his or her own realizations of the situation that they are in.

So if you can keep some contact with you ex-partner and when in contact be polite, warm, friendly and loving plus if you can use the chance to resolve any old issues the two of you have had (this creates bonding and a clearing of blocked energy for the two of you) otherwise just let your ex-partner be.

It may seen throughout the course of this Video Series that we are being really dis-empowering to your ex-partner as if they don’t have a mind of their own – but by letting them be they will find out for themselves whether they are truly happy or not with this Narcissist -it is not your place to point it out to them – it is your place to offer them a supportive place to go if they chose to get out and that you will always love them and you are going to make the best of your life in the meantime and stay healthy and strong and be successful so that if he or she chooses to come back they will come back to a person who is whole, healthy and ready to rebuild a relationship with him or her.

The biggest challenge is that it may take longer than you were expecting to wait for your partner to come back – but as Bono from U2 once said “Love is patient, and what the soul loves the soul is willing to wait for” and you will find strength that you never new existed within you and you will find resources to support you along the way.

Speaking of resources – in the Youtube Write-up along with with in our Counsellor in a Box Blog at counsellorinabox.com/blog and our Love By Design Blog at lovebydesignbook.blogspot.com I list some further resources about Narcissists for you in a variety of different areas.

As well anyone who orders our Counsellor in a Box Program at counsellorinabox.com and Love by Design Program at lovebydesignbook.com you receive a Free Session via Skype, Phone or Email with Robby, The Director of the Centre for Life Management and receive unlimited email access to myself where we can give you further support and information about how to manage the meantime while your ex-partner is with a Narcissist.

If you have any questions you can contact myself or Robby at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Thank you, have a Wonderful Day and Bye for Now!

Melody Chase

A Special Message From the Counsellor in a Box Customer Mentioned in Part 3 of our Video Series

Upon watching Part 3 of our Series the Customer Who I mentioned in the Video was inspired to share this very important message with those who are dealing with Partners Who Have Left To Be With a Narcissist

“What I notice is that when the narcissist thinks he has won, he will rest. He thinks he has done it. If you have followed the plan as outlined by Melody, then is the time to still be distant, still give the impression of being ‘defeated’, but be completely agreeable to everything your partner requests (within boundaries) so that your partner feels safe and secure with you but without thinking that you want them back. Be their best friend but be wanting nothing in return.

In this way you have your self respect as you are a strong independent individual, BUT YOU ARE SO STRONG that you can be able to accept requests that are of no consequence to your position.

People considering this, in the previous stages that I have been through, will think this is rubbish because they may not have reached the stage of detachment yet. The pain will still be too strong. But we all get there… be patient, it will come.

For me this agreeable position was to allow my wife more money monthly. I was actually stepping away from the relationship but giving her more. In this way you give ground but take it back by giving the knowledge that you want nothing but the well being of your partner.

You see this is unconditional love AND the narcissist cannot do that. Narcissists only love themselves (because of their past trauma) and cannot genuinely show empathy.

What you do, after the pain has subsided in giving is a genuine act of love which is purity. Oh my God I have found religion.

But you cannot do this until it feels right AND you MUST give yourself time. We cannot all do this, it is the feature of a strong person. But there are enough of us out there.

The very nature of reading this or watching Melody’s videos mean that YOU ARE a strong person.

Weak people walk away from marriage when it gets rocky.

This is the difference between a good marriage and a narcissist captivating your partner. Unconditional love a narcissist cannot compete with, because it is not part of their fabric.

Thank you Melody, I cannot tell you what an inspiration these videos are.”

~A.W.~

Further Information and Resources on Narcissists:

The link for the full definition of the Narcissist Personality Disorder from wiki. answers.com is:

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_definition_of_the_Narcissistic_Personality_Disorder#ixzz1H4dvOnD

Part 1 “I, Psychopath” a Video Documentary about a Psychopath/Malignant Narcissist named Sam Vaknin who has dedicate his life helping others to understand Psychopaths and Narcissists.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKn4IYpXK6g

Narcissism: The Web of Illusion, Discover The Truth About Narcissism By Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismmalignant.com/

Love Fraud: How To Know When Love Is A Con Website

http://www.lovefraud.com/\

Malignant Self- Love: Narcissism Revisited

http://samvak.tripod.com

You Can Save This Marriage – Larry Bilotta’s Marriage Expert Website (Recommended by our Customer mentioned in Part 3 – Larry was able to assist our Customer? in learning how to block negative feelings and enhance positive – something that is key in order to be happy and successful during the Meantime Process as your partner goes through his or her process with the Narcissist)

http://www.youcansavethismarriage.com/

Reality Transurfing – By Vadim Zeland ( Also Highly Recommended by Our Customer Mentioned in Part 3 – he says in the section of the book that talks about Pendulums – the book explains about how easy it is to recognize Narcissists and how to deal with them)

http://zelands.com/e_book1.htm

Toxic Parenting: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

http://www.susanforward.com/author.htm

Recover From Narcissistic Abuse!- Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismfree.com/

How To Survive Cheating and Narcissism Healing From an Addiction To a Narcissist – By Maria Ava

http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/how-to-survive-cheating-and-narcissism-healing-from-an-addiction-to-a-narcissist-996354.html

Narcissistic Abuse by Anne Brady

http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/

Other Websites Mentioned:

Counsellor in a Box Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com and Love By Design Program at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

Any questions you can reach Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Relationship Advice: What To Do When Your Partner Leaves You For a Narcissist – Part 2

Hi Everyone,

Here is Part 2 of the Relationship Advice Video: What To Do When Your Partner Left You For a Narcissist.

In This Video I explain how the Narcissist ensnares your Partner and keeps a hold of him or her.

Click on The Link Below To Watch Video Part 2:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79EaTdA1nyg

Video #2 Transcript:

Hi – It it Melody Chase – Welcome to Part 2 of our Relationship Advice Videos Series #3 called What To Do If Your Partner of Has Left you for a Narcissist.

For a definition of a Narcissist see Video #1.

Now for Part 2 let’s discuss How the Narcissist Ensnares Your Partner.

So the way how the Narcissist works is that they seek out potential partners who are vulnerable and susceptible to being codependent and a source of Narcissistic Supply – this is someone who can be controlled by fear, guilt and shame in order for the Narcissist to get the attention fix they desire.

Anyone of any personality or level of education and life experience can become a source of Narcissist Supply – we all have our Kryptonite – something that creates fear in us and the Narcissist knows how the find our Kryptonite and especially if we have been the Narcissistic Supply for a Narcissistic Parent when we were growing up this increases our chances of drawing in Narcissistics that we can be vulnerable to as adults.

So the Narcissist will penetrate a couple by starting off as friends, business associates or an employee with one or both members of the couple – it is just as important to befriend and gain the trust of you as it is your partner in order to pump information out of you about your partner and to gain your trust and unlimited access to your partner.

In The beginning stages there is a lot of information gathering and a Narcissist will be your partner’s number one fan – admiring him or her and be 100% supportive of your partner and your partner’s beliefs and what they offer to the world.

Then with all information gathered in regards to your partner’s history and vulnerabilities especially since your partner is going to tell this new fan every little detail about their life and history because your partner is just loving all this attention, admiration and support – The Narcissist will now lie in wait for however long it takes for you and your partner to hit a low point in your relationship.

Usually it doesn’t take long since if the Narcissist has been drawn into your lives your partner has already been suffering from low-self esteem since “like attracts like’ and underneath the charm and the well-groomed presentation of the Narcissist they cover the fact that they have low self-esteem and in fact have a self-loathing towards themselves.

This is often because as children they came from abusive or neglectful homes and experienced a lot of trauma and they end up having so much hate built up towards themselves and their parents they are not willing to forgive or heal which is how the Narcissist Personality Disorder develops and continues to exist for them.

Speaking of well-groomed presentation – the Narcissist is going to be putting their best foot forward during the lying in wait stage – how they look, how efficient and functional they are – your partner is impressed by how successful and amazing the Narcissist is and if there is any adjustments to the Narcissist’s appearance that is needed to insure that that your partner will be attracted to them they will do – for example lose weight, wear certain clothing, dye their hair to the color that your partner desires and they will also be incorporating the same values and interests as your partner.

Then when you and your partner are at a low – often if there is a job loss or a dip in income or the two of you have to move in with in-laws, you are sick, you are your partner is suffering from post-partum depression, a Mid-life Crisis has begin for one or both of you, Empty Nest Syndrome etc and you and your partner are arguing a lot or have grown distant or distracted this is when the Narcissist strikes and starts oozing out sexual energy.

This sexual energy creates a chemical fog on your partner so all that they can think about is the Narcissist and then the Narcissist begins their series of “Take-Aways” – they disappear for periods of time and each time they do this, this wears away on your partner’s will until they can no longer deny that they cannot be without the Narcissist – the Narcissist when they come back from their “Take – Aways” showers your partner with attention, attraction and praise so that it is even worse being denied of this during the next take-away.

It is a form of Emotional Terrorism and at the same time the Narcissist is also making sure to come across as someone in need of being rescued, the strong front that they started off with is giving way to this vulnerable side where the Narcissist’s own spouse is being horrible and your partner needs to rescue him or her from them and all these other horrible events going on in their life (often they will wrap the take-aways into this drama of theirs so they have a genuine excuse for the take-away)and your partner is their only hope for a better life.

So now your partner is on a mission to save the Narcissist and this gives him or her a purpose and a drive that was lacking in the relationship with you. Now not only does this create undying dedication to rescuing the Narcissist it is keeping your partner distracted and 100% focused on the Narcissist. Worse yet everyone becomes a barrier and distraction from their role of saving the Narcissist so this “us versus them” bond is created between the Narcissist and your partner.

By this time you are wondering where the heck did your partner go? He or she is being dismissive and arrogant with you and you start fighting more and more – pretty much pushing your partner right into the Narcissists arms now.

Then one final perfectly timed “Take-away” fueled by pressure from the Narcissist to get rid of you now and your partner is toast – your partner has now given all power away to the Narcissist, he or she is then forced to be with him or her instead of you.

Once your partner leaves you -the Narcissist’s true colours come out but it is too late for your partner to do anything – he or she is too far invested and the Narcissist can do whatever they want now and your partner is at their mercy and if you are a threat of any sort to the Narcissist, the Narcissist will assure that your partner can not have anything to do with you – even if you share children or a business – contact will be minimum and the Narcissist will threaten to leave your partner anytime your partner complains about needing to have contact with you – in fact anything that the Narcissist doesn’t like about your partner’s behaviour the Narcissist will threaten to leave.

So then a strange thing happens – at first your ex-partner is in a euphoric state because against all odds he or she is now with the “man or woman” of his or her dreams – then reality hits that the Narcissist was totally lying about everything and isn’t at all what they presented originally and was just mirroring your partner in order to nab their Narcissistic Supply – however your partner is completely enmeshed, bonded and attracted to this Narcissist so your ex-partner is completely stuck and their brain can’t handle the truth so they go into denial still believing that they are with the person that they first fell in love with (and they did fall in love with this persona and there was physical attraction – this is real in your partner’s perception so you cannot argue or discount how your partner felt or is feeling)

So it is quite confusing because one time you talk to your ex-partner and he or she is high as a kite and happy as can be and saying that this is what they had always wanted (although it is the complete opposite to how you imagined your partner’s lifestyle to be like) and the next time you talk he or she is complaining about how chaotic the Narcissistic is and that if the Narcissist threatens to leave once more your ex-partner isn’t going to take it anymore. Your ex- partner will tell you it is like living in a Mine Field – anything can set the Narcissist off. As well in the most serious of cases if the your ex-partner gives any hints of wanting to leave the Narcissist will threaten to pursue them to the ends of the earth creating fear on the opposite end of the spectrum as well.

Yet in reality your partner is no where near ready to get out of the relationship – you think it looks like it’s about to come crashing down around them but then then next time you talk to your ex-partner he or she is all happy and enthused about the relationship again.

What is really happening is that he or she is caught in the Narcissist’s abuse cycle and your partner is swept back into denial in the make-up and honeymoon stages and because of the Narcissist’s need for continuous drama the cycle spins through very quickly at times.

So then what do you do in the meantime?

Join me in Part 3 of our Relationship Advice Video #3 Series – I will be discussing why dealing with both your ex-partner and the Narcissist is so unique and what? is the best approach and mindset to have during the Meantime Process.

As well – please refer the the Youtube Write-up, our Counsellor in a Box Blog at Counsellorinabox.com/Blog or my Love By Design Blog at lovebydesignbook.blogspot.com for the List of further Resources and Information about Narcissists.

If you have any questions so far for Robby or myself you can contact us at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca .

Thank you – looking forward to connecting with your again in Part 3

Have a Wonderful Day and Bye for Now.

Melody Chase

Further Information and Resources on Narcissists:

The link for the full definition of the Narcissist Personality Disorder from wiki. answers.com is:

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_definition_of_the_Narcissistic_Personality_Disorder#ixzz1H4dvOnD

Part 1 “I, Psychopath” a Video Documentary about a Psychopath/Malignant Narcissist named Sam Vaknin who has dedicate his life helping others to understand Psychopaths and Narcissists.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKn4IYpXK6g

Narcissism: The Web of Illusion, Discover The Truth About Narcissism By Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismmalignant.com/

Love Fraud: How To Know When Love Is A Con Website

http://www.lovefraud.com/\

Malignant Self- Love: Narcissism Revisited

http://samvak.tripod.com

You Can Save This Marriage – Larry Bilotta’s Marriage Expert Website (Recommended by our Customer mentioned in Part 3 – Larry was able to assist our Customer? in learning how to block negative feelings and enhance positive – something that is key in order to be happy and successful during the Meantime Process as your partner goes through his or her process with the Narcissist)

http://www.youcansavethismarriage.com/

Reality Transurfing -? By Vadim Zeland ( Also Highly Recommended by Our Customer Mentioned in Part 3 – he says in the section of the? book that talks about Pendulums – the book explains about how easy it is to recognize Narcissists and how to deal with them)

http://zelands.com/e_book1.htm

Toxic Parenting: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

http://www.susanforward.com/author.htm

Recover From Narcissistic Abuse!- Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismfree.com/

How To Survive Cheating and Narcissism Healing From an Addiction To a Narcissist – By Maria Ava

http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/how-to-survive-cheating-and-narcissism-healing-from-an-addiction-to-a-narcissist-996354.html

Narcissistic Abuse by Anne Brady

http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/

Other Websites Mentioned:

Counsellor in a Box Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com and Love By Design Program at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

Any questions you can reach Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Relationship Advice: What To Do When Your Partner Left Your For A Narcissist – Part 1

Hi Everyone,

Here is Video #3 of our Relationship Advice Video Series called “Relationship Advice: What to Do When Your Partner Left You For a Narcissist – Part 1″

The overall theme of this video is to assist people in understanding the unique situation they are in when getting back with their ex-partner when the other man or woman is a Narcissist. In Part 1 I explain what a Narcissist is.

At the end of this Blog after the Video and Transcript of the Video there is a Link to the Complete Definition of the Narcissist Personality Disorder as well as further Information and Resources about Narcissists.

Click on the Link To Watch Part 1:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzRtZwks-14

Here is the Transcript For Part 1:

Hi Everyone,

It is Melody Chase -Welcome to our Relationship Advice Video #3 – Part 1

Video #3 is going to be split into 3 Parts but the over-all theme I am going to be talking about is what to do when your ex-partner has left you for a Narcissist.

Over the last year or so I have noticed that with every single person I have talked to that is having Relationship difficulties there has been a Narcissist involved in the mix whether it was the other man or woman, a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend or even their partner.

Therefore for Relationship Advice Video #3 of our Series I would like the discuss the unique circumstances that you may find yourself in if your partner has left your for a Narcissist.

In the case where your partner had an affair with another man or woman and the other man or woman isn’t a Narcissist your partner will come to their senses and come back to you in a fairly quick amount of time.

If your ex-partner is involved with a Narcissist it becomes a stale-mate situation because the Narcissist has spun a web of illusion keeping your partner at bay and whenever there is any sign of your partner coming to their senses or any pressure from you to get your ex-partner back the Narcissist has fail-safe ways of reigning your ex even closer to him or her.

For Part 1 of Relationship Advice Video Series #3 I will be explaining what a Narcissist is, Part 2 I will explain how your the Narcissistic Ensnares Your Partner and in Part 3 I will have suggestions as to what you need to do for now and what Mindset you need to have to get through this time period or what I often call “The Mean-time.”

According to The American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-IV-TR they define a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts, such as family life and work.”

The DSM specifies nine diagnostic criteria. Five (or more) of these criteria must be met for a diagnosis of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder to be rendered.

I found this answer from wiki. answers.com there are amendments included and I shortened some of the definitions – for the full definition I will include the Website Link in the Youtube Video description and on my Blogs so I will read the shortened version of this list – even the shortened version of the list is quite long but I wanted to assist you in understanding all aspects of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder because it helps to explain how the Narcissist is able to pull the wool over people’s eyes and once having gained power over another person how they maintain their power.

So these criteria include:

The Narcissist Feels grandiose and self-important;

Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or unequaled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special therefore only wants to treated and associate with other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (often defined as Narcissistic Supply);

Feels entitled, Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;

Is “inter-personally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

Devoid of empathy, Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration;

Suffers from the beliefs that they are being pursued (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;

Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and has magical thinking;

Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.

In Part 2 I will be back to explain about how the Narcissist Ensnares Your Partner and keeps a hold on him or her.

I will be including a Transcript of all Three Parts on my Counsellor in a Box Blog at counsellorinabox.com/blog and our Love By Design Blog at lovebydesignbook.blogspot.com

If you have any questions you can talk to Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Thank You and Bye for Now!

Melody Chase

Further Information and Resources on Narcissists:

The link for the full definition of the Narcissist Personality Disorder from wiki. answers.com is:

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_definition_of_the_Narcissistic_Personality_Disorder#ixzz1H4dvOnD

Part 1 “I, Psychopath” a Video Documentary about a Psychopath/Malignant Narcissist named Sam Vaknin who has dedicate his life helping others to understand Psychopaths and Narcissists.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKn4IYpXK6g

Narcissism: The Web of Illusion, Discover The Truth About Narcissism By Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismmalignant.com/

Love Fraud: How To Know When Love Is A Con Website

http://www.lovefraud.com/\

Malignant Self- Love: Narcissism Revisited

http://samvak.tripod.com

You Can Save This Marriage – Larry Bilotta’s Marriage Expert Website (Recommended by our Customer mentioned in Part 3 – Larry was able to assist our Customer in learning how to block negative feelings and enhance positive feelings – something that is key in order to be happy and successful during the Meantime Process as your partner or ex-partner goes through his or her process with the Narcissist)

http://www.youcansavethismarriage.com/

Reality Transurfing - By Vadim Zeland ( Also Highly Recommended by Our Customer Mentioned in Part 3 – he says in the section of the book that talks about Pendulums – the book explains about how easy it is to recognize Narcissists and how to deal with them)

http://zelands.com/e_book1.htm

Toxic Parenting: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

http://www.susanforward.com/author.htm

Recover From Narcissistic Abuse!- Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismfree.com/

How To Survive Cheating and Narcissism Healing From an Addiction To a Narcissist – By Maria Ava

http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/how-to-survive-cheating-and-narcissism-healing-from-an-addiction-to-a-narcissist-996354.html

Narcissistic Abuse by Anne Brady

http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/

Other Websites Mentioned:

Counsellor in a Box Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com and Love By Design Program at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

Any questions you can reach Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Toxic Communication: How To Tell If You Are A Toxic Communicator - Part Two

In Part One of our Toxic Communication: How To Tell If You Are A Toxic Communicator we discussed six ways of being a toxic communicator.

Now for Part Two let’s cover the next six ways of being a Toxic Communicator then I’ll give some suggestions on what to do if you are a Toxic Communicator yourself.

7) Negative Intent Implicator:

This is more of a feeling that your partner is going to pick up from you where you are basically accusing your partner of having a negative intent - this accusation is felt when you ask questions of your partner such as "When are you going to do___? Why aren't you doing _? Did you do this yet?

In these cases the underlying assumption is that you believe that your partner has no intent of doing what is being asked of him/her instead of being patient, trusting or giving him/her the benefit of the doubt.

Often you may be even more direct in blaming or accusing your partner by saying you did this or you didn't do that without checking things out first with open curiosity and the assumption that he/she has a positive intent and/or just waiting it out to see if he/she does what she or he has been asked, offered or agreed to do.

8) The Intensity Over-driver:

Check your body language, your level of emotional intensity, your tone and facial expression - basically are you too scary to have a conversation with? If you don't believe that any of these factors can make it an uncomfortable experience for your partner and your partner is just being overly sensitive then have your partner hold up a video camera towards you the next time you are in an intense discussion and then play back the video to get an idea of what it is like from the perspective of your partner.

9) Psychic Vampirism:

You may be a Psychic Vampire in the area of communication and not even know it. Psychic Vampires feel that they need to take other people's energy or at least prevent others from expressing their own energy thinking at some level that there is not enough energy to go around and that their partner is going to steal their energy if they don't steal their partner's energy first.

So the Psychic or Energy Vampire will use disempowerment, control dramas, aggressiveness and powerful negative emotions like guilt and shame to break their partner down and not only take the wind out of their partner's sails but take this energy for themselves.

Most people are not aware that they are Psychic Vampires, they have picked it up from a competitive adversarial society and paradigm where there is a lack of resources and one must fight for the limited resources or else they will perish - it is a fight for life and survival even at the expense of someone they love.

So just to check, do you ever feel uncomfortable when your partner is happy and excited about something and is throwing out positive energy but once you verbally knock your partner down a few pegs you feel much more comfortable, at ease and invigorated? If so you may be a Psychic and /or energy vampire.

10)The Constant Complainer:

Every time you see your partner the first thing that pops out of your mouth is a complaint or something negative, this includes making noises such as sighs, grumbles and ouches.

These complaints can be about your partner, what you are thinking or feeling or something that happens to you or with others. Often it is so automatic the negativity doesn’t even match the situation. It is like your partner comes home and says “Hi” and your response is “Oh my back hurts” or “You didn’t take out the garbage”

In our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Course (http://www.counsellorinabox.com) we talk about the 7 Principles of Relationship Success and Principle #3 is about being Responsible For Having a Positive Emotional Upstate.

This is a Principle because too much negativity creates toxicity and impresses your partner to associate you with something that is negative and painful. People, including your partner will either want to move away from pain or move towards pleasure – either way it won’t be towards you if you are negative all the time.

This by the way is one of the major reasons why partners have affairs because they find someone who is pleasant and is in a positive upstate most of the time which is so much easier and enjoyable to be around.

11) The Invalidator/Mismatcher:

Often unconscious of what they are doing, this type of communicator is invalidating you in order to be right all the time or mismatching you because he/she is not interested in anyone’s information until he/she has had time to think it through and decide if he/she wants to agree or not.

If you are an Invalidator/Mismatcher, even if your partner’s facts are correct you are going to mismatch anyway - your partner would say “The Grass is Green” and you will say no it not, even if you know that your partner is correct - you just have to urge to disagree.

I know Mismatchers and they can be quite annoying, it will be like the Mismatcher will ask “Who is that actress that stars in Pretty Woman?”

I’ll answer by saying “Julia Roberts”

The Mismatcher will say “No… but she is also in Erin Brockovich.”

I’ll say “Yes, you mean Julia Roberts”

The Mismatcher will then say “No. Let me think, she was also in Mystic Pizza – I know Julia Roberts.”

I’ll say “That’s what I said Julia Roberts”

Does this sound familiar? Be honest.

12) The Ante-upper:

For Ante-uppers, they can’t seem to be satisfied with anything coming to a close or a finish, so it feels to their partner like a conversation or any area of discussion will never be finished.

If you are an Ante-upper your partner begins to feel discouraged and disheartened because there never seems to be an end in sight no matter what he/she does to resolve the issue at hand.

It would be like your partner says “I took the garbage out.”

You respond by saying “Yeah but you didn’t put the bag in and the garbage bins need to be organized.”

Or you complain all the time that your partner doesn’t listen, so now your partner is listening and your partner even says “I’m listening”

Your response is: “Yes, but now I need you to talk more.”

Part Three – If You Are a Toxic Communicator…

The main purpose of this article is awareness and understanding so you can recognize if you are a Toxic Communicator.

Now if you have discovered that you are Toxic Communicator here are a couple of suggestions for dealing with being a Toxic Communicator:

Give your partner the courtesy of saying that you would like to talk and that you need to clarify something then state the topic, give an estimated length of time for the talk and ask if it is a good time for the discussion.

If your partner says yes, honor both the time and the topic that you stated you are going to talk about and not switch topics.

If you want to change topics go through the same procedure again – say you have another topic you would like to discuss, state topic, length and then ask whether it is a good time to continue talking.

If you accidentally go off topic, admit to it, reset and go back to the originally agreed upon discussion first.

If you have to walk away or you are triggered, to prevent a control drama, admit to being triggered, explain that you love your partner; your intent is that you do want to continue the conversation at a later time when you have regrouped.

As well, take responsibility for being upset before going into the conversation, if you are upset go for a walk first, do something physical, breathe, drink water, make sure your blood sugar is good and you are well-fed and if you still can’t help being upset confess to it and own it versus blaming your partner for how you are feeling.

The another important thing that you need to do is find Functional, Successful, Healthy Forms of Communication to replace the dysfunctional, toxic ones such as the types of communication that we teach about in our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program.

What makes our forms of communication special is that they are based on unconditional love, abundance and creativity instead of communication taught in our society’s competitive adversarial beliefs such as there is scarcity and not enough resources so everyone has to fight to survive and strive.

For more information about Toxic Communication, Toxic Communicators and what can be done to change what is often simply a habit of communication you can reach Dr. Robby or I at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca or check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Toxic Communication: How To Tell If You Are A Toxic Communicator – Part One

Does your partner seem to want to avoid having discussions with you at all costs? When you are about to start talking do you see your partner’s eyes fill with fear? Do you wonder why it’s like trying to pull teeth to get your partner to open up with you when you are attempting communication with him or her?

If any of these questions sound familiar it may be because you are a Toxic Communicator and you may not even know it.

Most people when they think about having conversations with their partner think that the conversation is simply an auditory experience.

However, the reality is conversations are also an intellectual, emotional, mental, physical and energetic event. There is much more than just what you can hear and see that is going on which is why any toxicity that is involved in a conversation can have multi-layered effects for all involved.

What makes it even more intense is if the person giving the toxicities has no idea what they are doing so they will end up using their toxic communication and if what they are trying to get across doesn’t seem to be working they will just unknowingly amp up the toxicity or switch to another toxic form of communication.

This can lead to severe communication issues as the partner on the receiving end of the toxicity begins to pull away, react or get defensive all the time and at the extreme end will be so overwhelmed by the toxicities that he/she will start looking elsewhere to get his/her needs met and end up having affairs or leaving his/her partner for someone who doesn’t have these toxic tendencies.

So it is a serious issue and it is no one’s fault if you are a toxic communicator, the best functional types of communication are not taught by society and most of the time people pick up bad habits and toxic ways of communicating from the competitive adversarial society they live in as well as from the family and social environment they grew up in. Often toxic communication can even be passed down from one generation to the next.

So the following are a list of different forms or types of toxic communication that Toxic Communicators use that not many people may have heard of or be aware of that is important to put a stop to in order to have a Functional and Successful Relationship in the area of communication:

1) The Bait and Switch:

You start off with a safe topic that you announce that you want to talk to your partner about so that your partner is open and ready to have this topic of discussion with you then you suddenly shift to another topic out of the blue causing your partner to be totally taken off balance, confused and off guard.

2) The No Win Situation Provider:

You have a no win situation of yours and regardless of whether your partner is involved or can do anything about this no win situation, you tell him or her anyway.

However you are so confused, in limbo and all over the map because of the no win situation that this puts your partner into a situation where his/her hands are tied and he/she is helpless to help you in anyway other than being able to listen and validate you - yet even though a Mensa member wouldn't be able to solve your situation in the current way you are looking at it you are expecting and demanding that your partner save you and solve your dilemma.

Worse yet, there may be times when you really don't want a solution or are not willing to do what is really needed to be done to resolve the situation so you just keep telling your partner about it so you can relieve stress.

So not only is this a lot of pressure on your partner it is toxic because your partner feels bad for your dilemma yet feels helpless to do anything about it - it is even more toxic if your partner is part of the no win situation.

3) The Spinner:

You spin by jumping to so many topics in rapid precession your partner is overwhelmed and confused and his/her head is spinning. Then if your topics of conversation involve negativity and personal attacks towards your partner it is like you are a machine gun hitting your partner with round after round of painfully toxic emotional, physical and energetic bullets.

4) The Drama King or Queen:

You use “control dramas” to keep control of the situation and conversation by reacting to anything that you don't like by bursting out crying, running away, going silent, back talking, sarcasm, invalidation, mismatching, changing topics and even eye rolling in order to keep control of what you want to talk about and to try and influence your partner.

5) The Ambusher:

Your partner is minding his or her own business and suddenly out of the blue you pounce and begin talking usually in an intense and upset manner - it's about as shocking to your partner as the shower scene at the end of the Psycho movie.

6) Subconscious Mind Influencer:

As with most of these toxic forms of communication people don't actually know what power they are having over people. For some people who come from the Competitive Adversarial Paradigm they just can feel that this technique works or they have used this technique successfully in the past, but in any case you may use Subconscious Mind Influencing Techniques that goes directly into your partner's mind practically forcing him/her to do things involuntarily or against his/her will.

Your partner may not know why you are having such an influence but after a while your partner begins to realize that he/she is vulnerable and easily influenced around you and will start to guard and protect him/herself by avoiding having discussions with you.

So examples of Subconscious Mind wording and influencing include "you should" "you ought" and “aren't you going to do_ and _?”

In Part Two of our Toxic Communication: How To Tell If You Are A Toxic Communicator we will be revealing another six types of toxic communication as well as offering some suggestions as to what to do if your discover you are a in fact a Toxic Communicator.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Want To Save Your Relationship? We have a free e-course, free video tutorials & free tips For You @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

Can Your Relationship Be Saved After Your Partner’s Midlife Crisis?

It is hard enough recovering, healing and regaining trust with your partner when he or she cheated on you but it becomes even harder if your partner has a midlife crisis and has left you for a period of time to be with someone else.

During the time of the midlife crisis you feel betrayed and abandoned, your partner doesn’t seem to care judging by his or her actions, everyone around you is mortified that your partner is doing this to you and your friends and family are hell-bent on making sure you don’t take your partner back ever.

The whole mid-life crisis seems so dark in nature and irreversible it almost seems impossible to even justify taking your partner back.

Yet there is something in your heart and soul that is telling you to hang in there and keep the eternal flame of your relationship lit.

Yet you wonder is it truly possible to have a future with your partner after so much potential damage has been done?

The answer is Yes – there are couples who have recovered from the mid-life crisis – the partner had to discover for him or her self what was truly in his or her heart and discover what was causing the emptiness in his or her life.

So once he or she is back, your next question will be – so where do I go from here?

The following are some important suggestions on how to successfully repair and rebuild your relationship.

1) Learn About What Causes Toxicities and Deficiencies in Relationships.

It’s nothing personal but a relationship is a mutual fulfillment of needs plus we are unique individuals with unique needs and have unique ways upon how we would like our needs to be met.

So you may have done everything in your power to give your partner what you think he/she needs or your partner may have even told you what his/her needs are or your partner may not even know what his/her needs are but in any case you may have been missing the mark in the area of successfully giving your partner what he or she wants in the way he or she wants it.

So now is the time to learn all about how people are unique and in particular what your partner’s needs, wants and requirements are. You also need to find out how to communicate clearly with your partner, learn creative negotiation techniques to fill in compatibility gaps as well as learn healthy, functional, unconditional love based approaches to having a relationship with your partner.

When all these areas are put in place not only will this help repair your relationship, but maintain and create a foundation for a new relationship to be created for you and your partner.

2) End Your Old Relationship and Start a Fresh New Relationship:

The reality is the original relationship that you had with your partner is never going to be the same and needs to be rebuilt from the ground or foundation up.

So it is best for the both of you to bring you old relationship to a close – all rules, agreements and past issues brought to an end and start fresh a new relationship where everything is created together by the two of you in ways that will work best for the both of you.

You can symbolically end your old relationship by removing, burying, throwing away or burning something that represents your old relationship and/or renewing your vows and deciding on something such as ring or a memento to represent your new relationship.

3) Maintain Your Social Network of Supporters

All because you and your partner are working on putting your relationship back together doesn’t mean that you don’t need your family, friends or support groups anymore.

There are times when you are going to need to talk about unresolved hurts and there are times when you will need to talk to others about how rebuilding your relationship is going so although you may be totally wrapped up in repairing your relationship with your partner, always remember to keep people around in your life to share with other than your partner.

4) Give Each Others Space When Needed

There is going to be a part of you that will feel like you never want to leave your partner alone for a second especially when you are just learning to trust your partner again.

However the reality is both of you (yes, even your partner) has been through a very trying and traumatic experience so if you or your partner feel like you need a little space to breathe it is important to honour these feelings.

Like anything in life, quality time is more important then the quantity of time so when both you are more relaxed and have the freedom to go at one’s own pace much more progress will occur in the rebuilding and repairing of your relationship.

5) Laugh and Have Fun Together

Every new moment is a new gift to create love, fun and happiness together so don’t miss out on opportunities to build wonderful memories of your renewed relationship.

Laughing, having fun and playing together recaptures the innocence of your relationship as well as reconnects the bond that the two of you once shared.

Following these five suggestions will all help to heal and inspire you and your partner towards having a new relationship that is safe and loving and once again the two of you will be able to share your eternal flame together.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

For more information on repairing and rebuilding your relationship including learning about your partner’s uniqueness, mutual fulfillment of needs and functional Relationship Mastery Skills such as Communication and Creative Negotiation Techniques check-out our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Relationship Program @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com as well as our Free Relationship Advice and Relationship Video Tutorial Blog @ http://counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

How To Prep For The Reality That Your Partner Is Cheating

If you suspect your partner is cheating then you need to prepare yourself and not just jump into telling your partner because it is not just your partner who is going to get caught with their pants down.

You are about to step into the biggest upheaval of your life and although you will never be completely prepared for what is about to unfold, at least you can do the best you can to prepare.

So the following are some important things you must do:

1) Open a Separate Banking Account

Open a separate banking account and start putting money in just in case your partner wants to play dirty or tries to blackmail you especially if his/her girlfriend/boyfriend is in the picture.

2) Contact a Lawyer

Just as important, make sure to find a lawyer and talk to a lawyer to ensure that your lawyer is on top of everything legally for you and so you are aware of what your legal rights are.

3) Keep An Emergency Exit Plan

Keep money and change on you at all times and a bag packed in case you have to leave suddenly.

4) Step-up A Place To Stay

Find a place to stay e.g. friends, relatives, or a hotel and start setting up there so if you have to leave and you can’t get back in the house right away that you are comfortably set-up.

5) Prepare Friends and Family

Tell the people that you are going to have as your social network a head of time about the fact that you may be calling out your partner on his/her affair so that they can prepare and recover in time to help you during your time of needing support and encouragement.

6) Ensure Your Business Is Not Effected

If you work from home make sure you have internet access and whatever else you need to set-up shop if you are the one leaving – it is going to be hard enough as it is to work so the less complications the better.

7) Take Care of Yourself

Get lots of sleep, eat, take vitamins, exercise – you are going to need all the energy and good health.

8) Find a Support Counsellor

Search out and prepare to find a Support Counsellor for yourself and a Family Counsellor for your children. If it is a Midlife Crisis situation with your partner don’t even bother with the Marriage Counselling for now – just take care of yourself and your family.

9) Prepare Your Children

If you know your partner is cheating for sure, you can prepare your children by saying that you and your partner need a break from each others but it has nothing to do with them and both of you love them and they are safe – you and the children just will be visiting Grandma for a while and you will be telling your partner soon.

10) Promise Yourself To Keep Your Faith

Promise Yourself to keep your faith – whatever keeps you at a high level of vibration and unconditional love - promise yourself never to turn your back on this – this is going to be the light that is going to get your through the dark tunnel.

11) Remember To Still Live Your Life

Allow yourself to Still Dance, Be in Joy, Laugh and Love now and once the flood gates are open – you still have your life to live no matter what so embrace everything and live – don’t waste a moment of your life – it is still the only one you are living right now.

From a position of security, safety and support you can then decide which route your relationship is going from there.

If your partner wants you back and wants to repair your relationship then I would recommend our Counsellor in a Box Home Relationship Study Program (http://www.counsellorinabox.com) to help you rebuild your relationship on a new and stronger foundation.

If your partner is not interested in getting back together but you do I would recommend both our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program and Cucan Pemo’s Retrieve a Lover System http://www.retrievealover.com which is about How To Get Your Lover Back and/or Stop Your Divorce.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Want To Save Your Relationship? We have a free e-course, free video tutorials & free tips For You @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

What To Do When Your Partner Is Having a “Midlife Crisis”

Special Note: To make this article easier to read I will be using “He” when referring to the person having the Midlife Crisis but of course you can substitute with the appropriate gender.

So what do you do when your partner is having a midlife crisis and in particular if your partner’s midlife crisis involves an affair with another person?

LEAVE – Yes, either leave or have your partner leave the premises until he is done his soul searching and figures out what he wants with his life. Stay at a friends, relatives, even a shelter if your partner refuses to leave himself.

Separating is especially important when he is saying things like “ I just don’t see a future together”, “I’m afraid to have sex with you right now because I am confused and I am afraid that that we will get pregnant even though I still find your attractive” or “ I can’t get rid of her because she is my business partner and I have invested 4 years into the business” or “give me time to get rid of her – I just can’t handle telling her right now with all the pressure – oh my high blood pressure” ( And there will be pressure and stress hence why he is having the midlife crisis.)

Be personable and friendly to keep necessary communication about such things as finances, children, business ties etc in tact but otherwise cut all connection to your partner.

No connection includes sex of course but even more subtle things such as kissing, hugging, snuggles, intimate conversations and dating in the beginning.

If you still want to have a relationship with your partner tell him you are still interested and you will wait but at a distance until he sows he wild oats.

The reality is with most midlife crisis’s there is no immediate way to sway him back to having your old relationship with you unless he experiences you completely disconnecting from him.

At first you giving him the cold shoulder will not be a big deal for him and he’ll be giving you negotiation suggestions like “Well, I’ll stop seeing her on a personal basis I’ll just continue being business partners with her” and other utterly ridiculous beyond belief suggestions that will make you gasp in disbelief – but hold firm and do not negotiate at this stage of the game.

This is because whether he admits to still loving you or not – his head is in the clouds and you hold no value to him hence no power for negotiation – it is easy for him just to drop you like a hot potato especially if you pressure him even if you are married and/or have been together for many, many years.

Holding firm and not allowing him in your life until he has done his soul searching will lead to 1 of 2 things – he’ll either snap out of his low self-esteem, fantasy world and “can’t handle reality” phase into a functional, healthy, mature phase of choosing you and rebuilding a new life and relationship with you or he’ll drop you and leave with the new person.

The drop you and leave with the new person route sounds absolutely horrible – I know - your stomach dropped out and landed on the floor when you read this but to save the heart break and disappointment of being hurt, betrayed and disappointed on pretty much a daily basis while he is in his mid-life crisis – it is much easier to cut your “losses” and grieve and go through the 7 stages of loss so you can recover and carry on with your life – with or without your partner – let time and commitment to self-love shake things out for you instead.

The other danger of trying to control the external and trying to woo and/ or negotiate with your partner is that on top of the initial damage done of being caught cheating or your partner telling you that he is not sure about yours and his relationship anymore is your partner letting you think that you have as much meaning to him as used bath water.

If you stay and try to make it work while he’s in the middle of his fantasyland he will hurt you over and over and the repetitive scarring to your heart and soul starts building up and eventually you will become hard and cold.

The Great Dividers of Love becomes so heavy and hard that even when he does return to you, you may be too far gone and even if your heart manages to be resuscitated the damage to the relationship is going to be humongous – rebuilding your relationship is going to be a tremendous undertaking (especially if you are repetitively hurt day after day) - only the strongest can survive.

So you need to come from a state of grace, self-respect, confidence and self-love.

Sure you are going to be all over the map emotionally – raging, crying, shaking from waves of abandonment coursing through your body but just remember don’t hold it in – it is your right to grieve – for your health on all levels including mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually make sure you let it all out on your own time and/or with friends, family, counsellors etc.

As well, allow your emotions to run free because even though your heart may be bleeding, the flow of emotions prevents your heart from getting clogged up and scarred metaphorically as well potentially physically.

Now, during this time period, (once you are over being stunned) is the perfect time to work on yourself and focus on self-love since grief usually puts you into the now and you are very present so you will be able to achieve amazing levels of healing and rising of consciousness, maybe not in the specific area of your relationship because your situation is so raw, but you may learn a lot about yourself and make realizations about your past that will take you to new levels of growth and self-appreciation now and for the future.

Working on yourself is also a great way to fill in the moments when you begin to feel impatient and want to try and force your partner into bending to your wants and needs which when done too early into the separation just pushes him away further.

Just remember hold true to yourself and remain strong.

Imagine you have a daughter if you don’t already have one (or a son) and however you are choosing to treat yourself is how your daughter is learning to treat herself – would you want your child to be a doormat or would you want her to learn about self-respect, grace, confidence and self-love even in the face of possibly the biggest upheaval of her life.

Last but not least, although it may seem really hard to believe right now but have faith that everything will be alright for you regardless of what happens – some people may not like the word surrender but have an intention of what your want but no expectations and you will be fine as well as understand that detachment to your current situation will give you the peace of mind and stamina to remain strong and in a state of grace.

So you need to protect your heart and hold firm, you are holding the flame of your relationship – it is your job to maintain and assure that the flame doesn’t burn-out until you get to the point where both you and your partner can see clearly enough and decide whether to continue tending to the flame or not.

If you and your partner eventually decide to continue your relationship we are here to support you - we have our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program to help you rebuild your relationship @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com, and for free relationship resources check-out our Counsellor in a Box Blog and Relationship Tutorial Site @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

You may also email us with any relationship questions @ relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

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How To Tell If Your Partner Will Cheat – Top 5 Signs That Your Partner Is The Cheating Kind.

Are you in a new relationship and not sure whether you can trust your partner or are you already in a relationship and your guts are telling you to keep a close watch on your partner?

As far as you can tell, your partner is not the type who would cheat, but you wonder how you can tell for sure if he/she has the potential within him/her to have an affair?

The good news is that there are some common traits to look out for when you are getting into a new relationship or when you are beginning to have doubts about the partner you are already in a serious relationship with.

The following are the Top 5 Signs That Your Partner is the Cheating Kind:

1) Character Disordered

Simply put, a person who lacks character is Character Disordered. Some people have been taught that this is how to get their way in life; others are Character Disordered simply because they can get away with it. Why they are the way they are doesn’t really matter here – what matters is that if your partner thinks he/she can get away with whatever he/she wants and is not interested in the welfare of others or the cause and effect of his/her behavior and decisions then there is nothing stopping your partner from cheating. Simple ways to tell if your partner is character disordered is that you will often hear your partner lying to other people or you catch him/her cheating when playing boardgames and he/she doesn’t appear to be sorry for what he/she is doing but rather proud and up for the challenge.

2) Super Pain Avoidant

Most people are either Pain Avoidant meaning their focus in life is to move away from pain or people are Pleasure Centred which means their focus in life is to move towards pleasure or are moved by pleasure. However people who Super Pain Avoidant or who cannot stand pain or conflict of any sort are prime candidates for cheating because they are to afraid to ask for what they want or communicate their needs. If Super Pain Avoiders are in enough pain from not getting their needs met over time they would rather risk the chance and have an affair then to risk the conflict of confronting or talking it out with their partners. It doesn’t sound like such a bright idea because of the potential of much greater and more intense conflict if they are caught, but Super Pain Avoiders are just interested in avoiding pain in the moment and the near future over all things including logic or examining the big picture of things. The way to recognize Super Pain Avoidance people are that they will avoid discussions at all costs, rarely tell the truth about what their requirements, needs, wants etc are and are extremely sensitive to conflict to a point where they will cringe or even run away in an uncomfortable situation.

3) Super Pleasure Centred

A Super Pleasure Centred person’s main focus is pleasure - like an addiction, pleasure comes first other people and their feelings come second. So if Super Pleasure Centred people see someone who is more pleasurable than their current partner in whichever way pleasurable means to them, they are going to be moved to seek out the more pleasurable person. It is not even anything personal - they are just being moved by their desire for pleasure. The way to recognize a Super Pleasure Centred person is that pleasure is all consuming in their life. A healthy person seeks out self-love which in turn creates pleasurable situations for themselves, but a Super Pleasure Centred person will feel to you like they are unbalanced and seeking pleasure unconsciously and in an overindulgent way.

4) Doesn’t Take Responsibility For Themselves

The problem with people who don’t take responsibility for themselves is that they have a tendency to blame others and feel unjustly wronged, resentful and revengeful towards others who are not giving them what they want in the way they want it which primes them towards having affairs with little reservation and a whole lot of justification for having the affair. For example “It’s my partner’s fault, if she didn’t hold back from giving me what I needed I wouldn’t have gone to another woman.” A tell-tale sign of a person who doesn’t take responsibility for themselves is that they will often be heard complaining and blaming everyone else in their life for what happens or doesn’t happen to them in their life.

5) Have Cheated in the Past

In an another article I wrote, I explained how if your partner has had an affair in the past whether it is with you or someone else, this is sign of the potential of your partner cheating again in the future. Yes, many people may cheat once and vow to never do it again and they don’t. However, for others especially the people who say that they would never have an affair in the first place, the fact that they were able to give in to the affair indicates that there is a point where they give in and if the temptation was strong enough to get them over the hump to cheat the first time around what is stopping them from an even stronger temptation to cheat once again?

Knowledge gives you the power to decide what to do in your relationship and even if your partner has the potential to cheat and hasn’t acted out on it, all of the above traits are issues that need to be addressed and/or resolved in order to have a healthy, functional relationship that will grow and expand for the rest of your lives.

There are always solutions and answers –gifts in disguise - for a happy relationship when issues are opened up to the light of knowledge and understanding of yours and your partner’s reality.

Melody Chase

Issues that have been discussed above are addressed in our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program and as you may know by now we have our Official Launch Date for our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program which is Jan 18^th 2009!

So if you are looking for more suggestions on how to heal, repair and rebuild your relationship, we encourage you to look into our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at www.counsellorinabox.com where we provide you with real-life, practical, proven solutions, support and resources to help you save your relationship.