How To Keep Your Faith: A Major Key In Getting Your Ex-Partner Back

Matthew 17:20: And He said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.”

Mindy sat staring off into space, her cellphone still in her hand. Her ex-boyfriend just called to say he was coming with a truck tomorrow to pick up the last of his stuff to take over to his new girlfriend’s house.

Mindy should be used to this by now, over the last 3 months her ex-boyfriend had slowly but surely been taking apart and separating all of their belongings and connection that they had to each others.

Mindy hasn’t given up whatsoever in getting her boyfriend back. She has read books on how to get her lover back and has gone on a journey of Self-love, Self-Discovery and Relationship Mastery plus she has heard and seen so many success stories of couples getting back together against all odds.

So the belief was there, the issue that she had that would shake her confidence the most and even her faith was when what she would see before her seemed so real and symbolic of change and separation and of her ex-boyfriend carrying on.

Her ex-boyfriend taking the last of his belongings was one of these changes that really shook her belief and faith like an earthquake. Then add on the after-shocks of such “apparent realities” as her ex-boyfriend seeming so happy and inspired by his new girlfriend and how he talks about how well they get along and hearing about their future plans.

Then there was the original earthquake that shook Mindy to her core – when her ex-boyfriend choose the new girlfriend instead of herself after she caught him cheating with this other woman and how he claimed that he would never come back to Mindy.

Mindy has just heard encouraging news in the entertainment world – she had heard about the Reality Stars from “The Bachelor” Series – Jake the Bachelor and his final rose pick Vienna who he was engaged to had just broken-up.

Pretty much anyone who watched the show was against Jake picking Vienna because Vienna’s motives were suspect by how she played the game and she really didn’t have anything in common with Jake.

Yet Jake and Vienna did such an amazing job of coming across as being deeply in love and having the attraction, romance and adventure that even Mindy (although at first Mindy knew beyond a doubt that they would break-up) got pulled into the illusion that the couple would last.

So now Mindy was experiencing the same issue with her ex-boyfriend – getting pulled into a certain reality that wasn’t true or at least is highly likely not to be true – yet with a lot of smoke and mirrors (or sometimes even with no smoke or mirrors at all) anything can become convincing especially when a person is attached to a certain outcome.

So how then does Mindy continue with having faith and not give into the potential illusions presented in front of her?

Since this is such a common experience for people who are in the process of getting their partner back, I have created a list of ways on how to approach your situation if you are feeling or going through with Mindy is going through as well:

1) More Time Spent With the Other Man or Woman and Less Time With You Is To Your Benefit

The saying that “absence makes the heart grow fonder is true” – the greatest fear about no communication or not being with your ex-partner all the time is that he or she is going to forget you completely, forget all the positive aspects of your relationship or get completely spun and distracted by the other man or woman and your partner will just disappear into activity and happy land with the other man or woman.

However it is when you are not pressuring or pursing your ex-partner that your ex-partner’s defenses go down and they have time to think and remember everything about you.

As well this gives your ex-partner time to recover and heal from any stresses or strains in your relationship and your ex-partner will begin to feel a draw towards you again instead of the draw to pull away which were caused for a number of reasons usually due to a build up of toxicities and deficiencies in your relationship and a perfectly timed game plan on the part of the other man or woman.

The good news is that the Courtship Phase (Everyone puts a good face on and is busy pursuing the other person stage) and the Honeymoon Stage (Celebrating the win of getting the other man or woman) does start to wear off – so time and being away from your ex-partner is on your side.

So think of the time that you are not spending with your ex-partner as a perennial seed that is growing under the surface and in the spring, when it comes to the light of day signifies the beginning of a new relationship with your partner whereas the seed that was planted with this other man or woman is just an annual that will just die off at the end of the season and will no longer return.

2) Don’t Give Into Potential Illusions

Our society thrives on spin and trying to control the opinions of others and create certain impressions with others – so as a rule in life in general be open with the curiosity of child but never take anything at face value otherwise you are just at the mercy of one spin after the other.

So yes, maybe your ex-partner is happy or maybe your ex-partner is high on oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine and will soon have a rude awakening once the Honeymoon Stage is over.

Maybe your ex already knows he or she has made a mistake and is too embarrassed to own up to this yet or is struggling to make things work with the other man or woman and doesn’t want any outside interference so he or she puts on a good front.

Maybe he or she is scared to leave because he or she realizes he/she is addicted to this other person and like an alcoholic or a smoker he/she needs to leave when he/she is ready and your ex-partner doesn’t want to get your hopes up in case he/she doesn’t have the strength to stay away and has to go back and forth to the other man or woman a few times before the relationship is done for good.

Your ex-partner may be in denial and in coping mode and one day will wake up realize you are the one and just leaves the other man or woman and comes back to you.

You can see how exhausting and an up and down roller-coaster of emotions this could cause for you if you followed along with any of these scenarios – so it is best to not give the time of day to anything that appears to be going on or not going on or anything that your ex says or does until one day he or she shows up asking if you will take him or her back and that the other relationship is done for good.

3) Make Positive Thought a Priority

After a break-up you are grieving, in shock and often in denial of all the change going on in your life – add fear, worry and doubt about ever getting your ex-partner back and no wonder why so may people experiencing this end-up having to take time off work, go on anxiety and anti-depressants, develop health problems, go for counselling and unfortunately often give up on getting their partner back.

So the healthiest thing you can do for yourself let alone for getting your ex-partner back is to learn how to make Positive Thought a Priority and your new way of thinking.

You have the rest of your life to choose fearful and negative thoughts so why not take this opportunity to try a different approach to thinking and if you feel it doesn’t work for you, you can always go back to the old way of thinking at any time.

So if you chose to go the Positive Thinking Route – make this into a Full Out Positive Thinking Campaign – be absolutely relentless in switching from negative thoughts to positive thoughts – don’t deny, resist or beat yourself up for having a negative thought – just be aware that you are having one then as soon as you can chose to think the opposite of the negative thought or just chose any positive thought you can think of to get back into a positive upstate.

As part of your Positive Thinking Campaign you need to come from a state of detachment and preference and think, say and feel that you are confident, you are capable, you are calm, you are relaxed, you are loving and lovable - think of yourself as all of these things and imagine what it would feel like to be all of these things and hold those thoughts and feelings with you for as long as you can and as often as you can - especially at night before you go to bed.


As well imagine and feel what it would be like for you and your ex-partner to be together again, the two of you getting along and for him or her to be joyful, connected and unconditionally loving with you - this is far more powerful and beneficial to you then focusing on the negatives of the past and the potential negatives of the future and if you are honest with yourself – has being negative helped you up until this point in your life?

So it is time to try something completely different and become 100% committed and relentless towards being confident, positive and having faith that all will be well for you and everyone.

Yes, you can be aware of the potential of negative outcomes - that is okay so you are not in resistance but at the end of the day you can handle your situation as it comes especially if you are calm and relaxed because then you can think clearly and create a calming atmosphere so any issues can be resolved peacefully - much better than being on guard and expecting the worse.

A Positive Thinking Campaign can help change your perception and reaction to your world. You can change that now by deciding to become dedicated to Positive Thinking and as you go you will discover that it will become more and more of a habit and a natural way of life as your subconscious mind absorbs this new way of thinking and eventually your new creations will override your old subconscious mind patterns, programs and way of thinking. You will also be so inspired by the feedback in your subjective reality you will want to create your world the way you like to by conscious choice all the time.

Even if you start off just for an hour a day and keep expanding your Positive Thinking Campaign from there. I even created a Contract for myself where I went on a 24 hr Positive Thinking Campaign that I signed in order to get myself started when I first changed over to Positive Thinking.

Once I tried the contract a couple of times I realized I wanted to make the switch to full-time Positive Thinking because I was no longer suffering in fear and just having the odd negative thought was such a better way to live then having the Negative Thoughts in control of my life.

Just to clarify as well, this doesn’t mean deny your emotions once you are already emotionally triggered or in a negative mental spin or simply still grieving the changes that have happened. You still need to lovingly embrace your feelings and just feel through the emotions and be in non-resistance to your reaction in order to fully release it.

Then from a state of detachment and preference - focus on what you do want to create – especially just before you go to bed – this a very powerful time for your subconscious mind to be impressed and it will set the tone for your next day.

With a Positive Thinking Campaign you will no longer keep yourself in a state of worry and doubt and in doing so not only will you feel more relaxed and at peace – the Positive Thinking will become a natural habit overtime and your life, environment and relationship will become a reflection of this.

In addition to the three suggestions above there is one last important thing to keep in mind and it was what the Quote by Matthew said – if all else fails and you are having a bad day and the illusions seem so real – just remember all you need is the faith the size of a mustard seed and you can move mountains!

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

For More Information on What You Can Do To Get Your Ex-Partner Back Check-out Our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Repair Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Relationship Advice: 7 Reasons Why Your Partner Chooses Not To Communicate – Part 4

Welcome to Part 4 of our 4 Part Series called “7 Reasons Why Your Partner Chooses Not To Communicate.

For this part let’s talk about your partner being a Hopeless Romantic.

7) Hopeless Romantic:

There are people out there who are for lack of a better description – hopeless romantics – they want to be rescued (i.e. give them what they desiring) and they assume that you will know this and that you will pursue them.

An example would be at the end of a movie with Keanu Reeves and Cameron Diaz.

In the movie their two characters became lovers but they had gotten themselves into trouble and Cameron’s character took off on her own to avoid the police.

A few months later she sent an email to Keanu Reeve’s character telling him that she is in Las Vegas now and is happy pursing her dream as a Showgirl.

Keanu rushed off the Las Vegas and was reading this letter to his Taxi Driver. The Taxi Driver said that he was confused because no where in the letter did Cameron Diaz’s character say that she wanted Keanu’s character to come meet up with her in Las Vegas.

Keanu’s character said it isn’t what she said but what she didn’t say.

Now luckily Keanu's character was in tune enough to this woman to realize that the letter itself was a message to pursue her but if a couple is busy and distracted with their everyday life it would be very easy not to pick up on what their partner is really desiring if they are not giving any indications.

So this completes the 7 Reasons For Why People Chose Not To Communicate.

For more information about why couples don't communicate as well as proven communication techniques to get your partner talking check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Rescue and Repair Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Relationship Advice: 7 Reasons Why Your Partner Chooses Not To Communicate – Part 3

Welcome to Part 3 of our 4 Part Series on why your partner chooses not to communicate.

For Part 3 we are going to be going the next 3 reasons out of 7 which are:

3) Your Partner is a Narcissist
4) Conditioned To Keep Things To Themselves
5) Burnt-out/Overwhelmed

3) Your Partner is a Narcissist

Narcissists expect others to know what they want and if others do not know it is the others people’s responsibility to find out and the Narcissist is not going to lift a finger to assist because according to them it is their birthright for others to figure out what their needs and wants are. It is not in their job description to be responsible for being understood or communicate.

4) Conditioned To Keep Things To Themselves

Some people, especially males are conditioned to become the strong silent types often as a result of picking it up from their family, community or society where it may seem the honorable way to be or it is respectful or even seen as a sign of strength where as expressing how one feels or thinks is considered a weakness. A person may also be conditioned to be non-communicative because they were punished or abused for speaking their mind. Your partner may have also had his/her heart broken in the past so he/she is afraid to open up in any area of communication in order to protect his or herself.

5) Burnt -out/Overwhelmed:

When a person is burnt out it is really hard to muster up energy to do anything, this includes wanting to talk and communicate especially if the topic at hand is a hard topic to handle or talk about. So your partner may be burnt out because of the current situation you are in, burnt out from talking to you all the time in the past, especially if issues were never resolved or they are simply burnt out from life in general and it really has nothing to do with you, you may be a part if a much larger life problem whether that is being caused by family, school, community or a former relationship partner. Likewise if a person is really overwhelmed by things going on in one's life they may not be able to talk or communicate either.

6) Given Up:

Sometimes a person gets to a point where after they tried and tried in the relationship they just break on all levels - emotionally, physically, spiritually and they just give up and completely check out of the relationship. The are apathetic and is what we describe as having both feet out the door - if apathy is involved they have gone past the point of no return and there is no hope for the relationship to be resuscitated. In the last part of our series will be discussing Reason #7 – Your Partner is a Hopeless Romantic.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

For more information about why couples don't communicate as well as proven communication techniques to get your partner talking check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Rescue and Repair home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Relationship Advice: 7 Reasons Why Your Partner Chooses Not To Communicate - Part Two

In Part One of our Series we talked people simply being non-communicative by nature.

Now for Part Two Let’s Discuss People Who Are Conflict Avoidant for reasons for why you partner may chose not to communicate with you:

2) Conflict Avoidant:

There are certain personalities such as what is called the Amiable or Stabilizer personality whose natural disposition for harmony and for everyone to get along also causes them to be conflict avoidant.

Amiable personality people are not as dominant as some of the other personalities so they are just not going to have the urge to take the risk and stand up for their rights so they don’t end up communicating what their requirements, needs and wants are especially if they are with a dominant or competitive partner.

Plus if their partner is very reactive, or even just a little bit reactive this can cause an Amiable personality person to retreat into themselves or physically try to avoid their partner due to the amount of stress and discomfort they feel that a person of a different personality would not feel the same intensity of.

Another potential conflict avoidant person is the Analytical Personality Type Person. Analytical people are more dominant than an Amiable but otherwise are more passive then the rest of the personalities.

They are into rules and procedures and it is important for them to be right and for other people to go along with their rules.

Due to their Analytical nature and attention to detail they are also black and white, all or nothing thinkers and they make decisions in the all or nothing way leaving no room for grey or potential for creative solution above and beyond what they can logically understand and/or prove.

So if met with a conflict, Analytical people will deal with the situation one of
two ways - if it is something they are really passionate about and have more a dominant personality mixed in with their Analytical side or if they feel safe with who they are with they will argue their point until the cows home.

However if they are less dominant, been conditioned not to argue, are burnt -out from arguing all the time or is with someone who is too aggressive and reactive to their opinions, the Analytical person will keep his/her opinions to his or herself then one of 3 things will happen - the unresolved issue will fester and the Analytical will get more and resentful - resentful being something that is common since Analyticals are often more negative and cynical by nature.

The second thing that could happen is the repressed need or opinion gets added to the stack of the rest of the issues that the Analytical is holding in and this leads to emotionally shutting down and disconnection from their partner.

As well because of the Analytical’s black and white thinking whether it is one incident or twenty something in the Analytical snaps and he/she totally writes off his/her partner, the partner may feel it and see that the Analytical partner may no longer give his/her partner the time of day, but he/she has written off his/her partner and has just not said anything nor does he/she have any interest in telling him/her so because he/she is done and it no longer matters to him or her.

In Part 3 of our series will be discussing 4 reasons since they are shorter in length including – Your Partner is a Narcissist, Conditioned To Keep Things To Themselves, Burnt-out/Overwhelmed and Given Up.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

For more information about why couples don't communicate as well information about the different personalities and how to test to see what yours and your partner’s personalities are check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Rescue and Repair Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Relationship Advice: 7 Reasons Why Your Partner Chooses Not To Communicate - Part One

At our Centre For Life Management and with our Online Clients and Readers we have a lot of people asking why their partners chose to never talk about what they were upset about and then one day their partner just gets up and leaves the relationship without ever wanting to talk things over and resolve anything.

For the one partner who does believe in talking and discussing issues and what is upsetting them it is hard to understand why their partner would chose to be silent and then just throw the relationship away without even trying to fight for it.

This type of situation is more common that you would think and whether the following information can be used to help you to understand how to get your partner to open up before it is too late, to get your partner back if they have left or to even just have closure if your partner has decided to carry on it is worth taking the time to find out.

So the Following Are Potential Reasons Why Your Partner Has Chosen Not To Communicate With You In The Relationship:

1) Non- Communicative People
2) Conflict Avoidant
3) Your Partner is a Narcissist
4) Conditioned To Keep Things To Themselves
5) Burnt -out/Overwhelmed
6) Given Up
7) Hopeless Romantic

I will be going over 7 Potential Reasons Why Your Partner Chooses Not Communication by splitting the Reason into a 4 Part Series.

For Part One let’s talk about Non-Communicative People

1) Non- Communicative People:

There are people who by their natural dispositions are not talkers and are often thinkers versus talkers.

At the Centre For Life Management we talk about the Four Styles Of Communication Modes which are how people communicate, learn as well as give and receive love.

One of these four types of Communication Modes is what is called an “Auditory
Person”. Auditory people are designed to talk, they have the gift of the gab and can speak without rehearsing often off the top of their head.

They in fact need to talk and be talked to in order to feel loved. If your partner is Auditory (unless there is a build up of toxicities of some sort in the relationship causing him or her to shut-down) you will never have trouble getting your partner to talk.

Now if your partner is any of the other Communication Modes other than Auditory then there is a much greater chance that it will be hard to get your partner to open up because it just doesn’t come naturally to him or her.

For example, Visual People are into doing, Digital People are into connection and understanding and Kinesthetic People are into touching and feeling – none of these Communication Modes are naturally inclined to talk a lot with the exception of Philosophical Digital People but if they not Auditory to go along with being Digital they may carry on conversations in their head without realizing that people are not hearing them because they are so convinced that everyone is on the same wavelength as them which is a common trait of a Philosophical Digital person.

In Part Two We Will Be Discussing Your Partner Being Conflict Avoidant

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

For more information about why couples don't communicate as well as proven communication techniques to get your partner talking check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Rescue and Repair home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Toxic Communication: How To Tell If You Are A Toxic Communicator - Part Two

In Part One of our Toxic Communication: How To Tell If You Are A Toxic Communicator we discussed six ways of being a toxic communicator.

Now for Part Two let’s cover the next six ways of being a Toxic Communicator then I’ll give some suggestions on what to do if you are a Toxic Communicator yourself.

7) Negative Intent Implicator:

This is more of a feeling that your partner is going to pick up from you where you are basically accusing your partner of having a negative intent - this accusation is felt when you ask questions of your partner such as "When are you going to do___? Why aren't you doing _? Did you do this yet?

In these cases the underlying assumption is that you believe that your partner has no intent of doing what is being asked of him/her instead of being patient, trusting or giving him/her the benefit of the doubt.

Often you may be even more direct in blaming or accusing your partner by saying you did this or you didn't do that without checking things out first with open curiosity and the assumption that he/she has a positive intent and/or just waiting it out to see if he/she does what she or he has been asked, offered or agreed to do.

8) The Intensity Over-driver:

Check your body language, your level of emotional intensity, your tone and facial expression - basically are you too scary to have a conversation with? If you don't believe that any of these factors can make it an uncomfortable experience for your partner and your partner is just being overly sensitive then have your partner hold up a video camera towards you the next time you are in an intense discussion and then play back the video to get an idea of what it is like from the perspective of your partner.

9) Psychic Vampirism:

You may be a Psychic Vampire in the area of communication and not even know it. Psychic Vampires feel that they need to take other people's energy or at least prevent others from expressing their own energy thinking at some level that there is not enough energy to go around and that their partner is going to steal their energy if they don't steal their partner's energy first.

So the Psychic or Energy Vampire will use disempowerment, control dramas, aggressiveness and powerful negative emotions like guilt and shame to break their partner down and not only take the wind out of their partner's sails but take this energy for themselves.

Most people are not aware that they are Psychic Vampires, they have picked it up from a competitive adversarial society and paradigm where there is a lack of resources and one must fight for the limited resources or else they will perish - it is a fight for life and survival even at the expense of someone they love.

So just to check, do you ever feel uncomfortable when your partner is happy and excited about something and is throwing out positive energy but once you verbally knock your partner down a few pegs you feel much more comfortable, at ease and invigorated? If so you may be a Psychic and /or energy vampire.

10)The Constant Complainer:

Every time you see your partner the first thing that pops out of your mouth is a complaint or something negative, this includes making noises such as sighs, grumbles and ouches.

These complaints can be about your partner, what you are thinking or feeling or something that happens to you or with others. Often it is so automatic the negativity doesn’t even match the situation. It is like your partner comes home and says “Hi” and your response is “Oh my back hurts” or “You didn’t take out the garbage”

In our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Course (http://www.counsellorinabox.com) we talk about the 7 Principles of Relationship Success and Principle #3 is about being Responsible For Having a Positive Emotional Upstate.

This is a Principle because too much negativity creates toxicity and impresses your partner to associate you with something that is negative and painful. People, including your partner will either want to move away from pain or move towards pleasure – either way it won’t be towards you if you are negative all the time.

This by the way is one of the major reasons why partners have affairs because they find someone who is pleasant and is in a positive upstate most of the time which is so much easier and enjoyable to be around.

11) The Invalidator/Mismatcher:

Often unconscious of what they are doing, this type of communicator is invalidating you in order to be right all the time or mismatching you because he/she is not interested in anyone’s information until he/she has had time to think it through and decide if he/she wants to agree or not.

If you are an Invalidator/Mismatcher, even if your partner’s facts are correct you are going to mismatch anyway - your partner would say “The Grass is Green” and you will say no it not, even if you know that your partner is correct - you just have to urge to disagree.

I know Mismatchers and they can be quite annoying, it will be like the Mismatcher will ask “Who is that actress that stars in Pretty Woman?”

I’ll answer by saying “Julia Roberts”

The Mismatcher will say “No… but she is also in Erin Brockovich.”

I’ll say “Yes, you mean Julia Roberts”

The Mismatcher will then say “No. Let me think, she was also in Mystic Pizza – I know Julia Roberts.”

I’ll say “That’s what I said Julia Roberts”

Does this sound familiar? Be honest.

12) The Ante-upper:

For Ante-uppers, they can’t seem to be satisfied with anything coming to a close or a finish, so it feels to their partner like a conversation or any area of discussion will never be finished.

If you are an Ante-upper your partner begins to feel discouraged and disheartened because there never seems to be an end in sight no matter what he/she does to resolve the issue at hand.

It would be like your partner says “I took the garbage out.”

You respond by saying “Yeah but you didn’t put the bag in and the garbage bins need to be organized.”

Or you complain all the time that your partner doesn’t listen, so now your partner is listening and your partner even says “I’m listening”

Your response is: “Yes, but now I need you to talk more.”

Part Three – If You Are a Toxic Communicator…

The main purpose of this article is awareness and understanding so you can recognize if you are a Toxic Communicator.

Now if you have discovered that you are Toxic Communicator here are a couple of suggestions for dealing with being a Toxic Communicator:

Give your partner the courtesy of saying that you would like to talk and that you need to clarify something then state the topic, give an estimated length of time for the talk and ask if it is a good time for the discussion.

If your partner says yes, honor both the time and the topic that you stated you are going to talk about and not switch topics.

If you want to change topics go through the same procedure again – say you have another topic you would like to discuss, state topic, length and then ask whether it is a good time to continue talking.

If you accidentally go off topic, admit to it, reset and go back to the originally agreed upon discussion first.

If you have to walk away or you are triggered, to prevent a control drama, admit to being triggered, explain that you love your partner; your intent is that you do want to continue the conversation at a later time when you have regrouped.

As well, take responsibility for being upset before going into the conversation, if you are upset go for a walk first, do something physical, breathe, drink water, make sure your blood sugar is good and you are well-fed and if you still can’t help being upset confess to it and own it versus blaming your partner for how you are feeling.

The another important thing that you need to do is find Functional, Successful, Healthy Forms of Communication to replace the dysfunctional, toxic ones such as the types of communication that we teach about in our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program.

What makes our forms of communication special is that they are based on unconditional love, abundance and creativity instead of communication taught in our society’s competitive adversarial beliefs such as there is scarcity and not enough resources so everyone has to fight to survive and strive.

For more information about Toxic Communication, Toxic Communicators and what can be done to change what is often simply a habit of communication you can reach Dr. Robby or I at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca or check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Toxic Communication: How To Tell If You Are A Toxic Communicator – Part One

Does your partner seem to want to avoid having discussions with you at all costs? When you are about to start talking do you see your partner’s eyes fill with fear? Do you wonder why it’s like trying to pull teeth to get your partner to open up with you when you are attempting communication with him or her?

If any of these questions sound familiar it may be because you are a Toxic Communicator and you may not even know it.

Most people when they think about having conversations with their partner think that the conversation is simply an auditory experience.

However, the reality is conversations are also an intellectual, emotional, mental, physical and energetic event. There is much more than just what you can hear and see that is going on which is why any toxicity that is involved in a conversation can have multi-layered effects for all involved.

What makes it even more intense is if the person giving the toxicities has no idea what they are doing so they will end up using their toxic communication and if what they are trying to get across doesn’t seem to be working they will just unknowingly amp up the toxicity or switch to another toxic form of communication.

This can lead to severe communication issues as the partner on the receiving end of the toxicity begins to pull away, react or get defensive all the time and at the extreme end will be so overwhelmed by the toxicities that he/she will start looking elsewhere to get his/her needs met and end up having affairs or leaving his/her partner for someone who doesn’t have these toxic tendencies.

So it is a serious issue and it is no one’s fault if you are a toxic communicator, the best functional types of communication are not taught by society and most of the time people pick up bad habits and toxic ways of communicating from the competitive adversarial society they live in as well as from the family and social environment they grew up in. Often toxic communication can even be passed down from one generation to the next.

So the following are a list of different forms or types of toxic communication that Toxic Communicators use that not many people may have heard of or be aware of that is important to put a stop to in order to have a Functional and Successful Relationship in the area of communication:

1) The Bait and Switch:

You start off with a safe topic that you announce that you want to talk to your partner about so that your partner is open and ready to have this topic of discussion with you then you suddenly shift to another topic out of the blue causing your partner to be totally taken off balance, confused and off guard.

2) The No Win Situation Provider:

You have a no win situation of yours and regardless of whether your partner is involved or can do anything about this no win situation, you tell him or her anyway.

However you are so confused, in limbo and all over the map because of the no win situation that this puts your partner into a situation where his/her hands are tied and he/she is helpless to help you in anyway other than being able to listen and validate you - yet even though a Mensa member wouldn't be able to solve your situation in the current way you are looking at it you are expecting and demanding that your partner save you and solve your dilemma.

Worse yet, there may be times when you really don't want a solution or are not willing to do what is really needed to be done to resolve the situation so you just keep telling your partner about it so you can relieve stress.

So not only is this a lot of pressure on your partner it is toxic because your partner feels bad for your dilemma yet feels helpless to do anything about it - it is even more toxic if your partner is part of the no win situation.

3) The Spinner:

You spin by jumping to so many topics in rapid precession your partner is overwhelmed and confused and his/her head is spinning. Then if your topics of conversation involve negativity and personal attacks towards your partner it is like you are a machine gun hitting your partner with round after round of painfully toxic emotional, physical and energetic bullets.

4) The Drama King or Queen:

You use “control dramas” to keep control of the situation and conversation by reacting to anything that you don't like by bursting out crying, running away, going silent, back talking, sarcasm, invalidation, mismatching, changing topics and even eye rolling in order to keep control of what you want to talk about and to try and influence your partner.

5) The Ambusher:

Your partner is minding his or her own business and suddenly out of the blue you pounce and begin talking usually in an intense and upset manner - it's about as shocking to your partner as the shower scene at the end of the Psycho movie.

6) Subconscious Mind Influencer:

As with most of these toxic forms of communication people don't actually know what power they are having over people. For some people who come from the Competitive Adversarial Paradigm they just can feel that this technique works or they have used this technique successfully in the past, but in any case you may use Subconscious Mind Influencing Techniques that goes directly into your partner's mind practically forcing him/her to do things involuntarily or against his/her will.

Your partner may not know why you are having such an influence but after a while your partner begins to realize that he/she is vulnerable and easily influenced around you and will start to guard and protect him/herself by avoiding having discussions with you.

So examples of Subconscious Mind wording and influencing include "you should" "you ought" and “aren't you going to do_ and _?”

In Part Two of our Toxic Communication: How To Tell If You Are A Toxic Communicator we will be revealing another six types of toxic communication as well as offering some suggestions as to what to do if your discover you are a in fact a Toxic Communicator.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Want To Save Your Relationship? We have a free e-course, free video tutorials & free tips For You @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

What To Do When Your Partner Is Having a “Midlife Crisis”

Special Note: To make this article easier to read I will be using “He” when referring to the person having the Midlife Crisis but of course you can substitute with the appropriate gender.

So what do you do when your partner is having a midlife crisis and in particular if your partner’s midlife crisis involves an affair with another person?

LEAVE – Yes, either leave or have your partner leave the premises until he is done his soul searching and figures out what he wants with his life. Stay at a friends, relatives, even a shelter if your partner refuses to leave himself.

Separating is especially important when he is saying things like “ I just don’t see a future together”, “I’m afraid to have sex with you right now because I am confused and I am afraid that that we will get pregnant even though I still find your attractive” or “ I can’t get rid of her because she is my business partner and I have invested 4 years into the business” or “give me time to get rid of her – I just can’t handle telling her right now with all the pressure – oh my high blood pressure” ( And there will be pressure and stress hence why he is having the midlife crisis.)

Be personable and friendly to keep necessary communication about such things as finances, children, business ties etc in tact but otherwise cut all connection to your partner.

No connection includes sex of course but even more subtle things such as kissing, hugging, snuggles, intimate conversations and dating in the beginning.

If you still want to have a relationship with your partner tell him you are still interested and you will wait but at a distance until he sows he wild oats.

The reality is with most midlife crisis’s there is no immediate way to sway him back to having your old relationship with you unless he experiences you completely disconnecting from him.

At first you giving him the cold shoulder will not be a big deal for him and he’ll be giving you negotiation suggestions like “Well, I’ll stop seeing her on a personal basis I’ll just continue being business partners with her” and other utterly ridiculous beyond belief suggestions that will make you gasp in disbelief – but hold firm and do not negotiate at this stage of the game.

This is because whether he admits to still loving you or not – his head is in the clouds and you hold no value to him hence no power for negotiation – it is easy for him just to drop you like a hot potato especially if you pressure him even if you are married and/or have been together for many, many years.

Holding firm and not allowing him in your life until he has done his soul searching will lead to 1 of 2 things – he’ll either snap out of his low self-esteem, fantasy world and “can’t handle reality” phase into a functional, healthy, mature phase of choosing you and rebuilding a new life and relationship with you or he’ll drop you and leave with the new person.

The drop you and leave with the new person route sounds absolutely horrible – I know - your stomach dropped out and landed on the floor when you read this but to save the heart break and disappointment of being hurt, betrayed and disappointed on pretty much a daily basis while he is in his mid-life crisis – it is much easier to cut your “losses” and grieve and go through the 7 stages of loss so you can recover and carry on with your life – with or without your partner – let time and commitment to self-love shake things out for you instead.

The other danger of trying to control the external and trying to woo and/ or negotiate with your partner is that on top of the initial damage done of being caught cheating or your partner telling you that he is not sure about yours and his relationship anymore is your partner letting you think that you have as much meaning to him as used bath water.

If you stay and try to make it work while he’s in the middle of his fantasyland he will hurt you over and over and the repetitive scarring to your heart and soul starts building up and eventually you will become hard and cold.

The Great Dividers of Love becomes so heavy and hard that even when he does return to you, you may be too far gone and even if your heart manages to be resuscitated the damage to the relationship is going to be humongous – rebuilding your relationship is going to be a tremendous undertaking (especially if you are repetitively hurt day after day) - only the strongest can survive.

So you need to come from a state of grace, self-respect, confidence and self-love.

Sure you are going to be all over the map emotionally – raging, crying, shaking from waves of abandonment coursing through your body but just remember don’t hold it in – it is your right to grieve – for your health on all levels including mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually make sure you let it all out on your own time and/or with friends, family, counsellors etc.

As well, allow your emotions to run free because even though your heart may be bleeding, the flow of emotions prevents your heart from getting clogged up and scarred metaphorically as well potentially physically.

Now, during this time period, (once you are over being stunned) is the perfect time to work on yourself and focus on self-love since grief usually puts you into the now and you are very present so you will be able to achieve amazing levels of healing and rising of consciousness, maybe not in the specific area of your relationship because your situation is so raw, but you may learn a lot about yourself and make realizations about your past that will take you to new levels of growth and self-appreciation now and for the future.

Working on yourself is also a great way to fill in the moments when you begin to feel impatient and want to try and force your partner into bending to your wants and needs which when done too early into the separation just pushes him away further.

Just remember hold true to yourself and remain strong.

Imagine you have a daughter if you don’t already have one (or a son) and however you are choosing to treat yourself is how your daughter is learning to treat herself – would you want your child to be a doormat or would you want her to learn about self-respect, grace, confidence and self-love even in the face of possibly the biggest upheaval of her life.

Last but not least, although it may seem really hard to believe right now but have faith that everything will be alright for you regardless of what happens – some people may not like the word surrender but have an intention of what your want but no expectations and you will be fine as well as understand that detachment to your current situation will give you the peace of mind and stamina to remain strong and in a state of grace.

So you need to protect your heart and hold firm, you are holding the flame of your relationship – it is your job to maintain and assure that the flame doesn’t burn-out until you get to the point where both you and your partner can see clearly enough and decide whether to continue tending to the flame or not.

If you and your partner eventually decide to continue your relationship we are here to support you - we have our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program to help you rebuild your relationship @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com, and for free relationship resources check-out our Counsellor in a Box Blog and Relationship Tutorial Site @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

You may also email us with any relationship questions @ relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Want 2 Save Your Relationship? We have a free e-course, free video tutorials & free tips 4 U @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

The Untold Story of Being a Highly Sensitive Person and Your Relationship

In our Love By Design Book and in our Love By Design Top 10 Ten Compatibilities For Relationship Success Free E-course (http://www.lovebydesignbook.com) one of the Top Ten Compatibilities that we talk about is Capacity.

Specifically, do you and your partner have the capacity - mentally, emotionally and physically to be in a relationship?

In our Love By Design Book and in our Love By Design E-course we give some examples of Capacity such as being emotionally, mentally or physically burn-out or if you and/or your partner have a chronic illness how this can effect the synergy and functionality of your relationship.

One area that we touched on but didn’t go into very much detail about was if you and/or your partner is a Highly Sensitive Person.

According Dr. Elaine N. Aron, PhD’s book “The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You." (Published by Broadway Books, 1997), being a Highly Sensitive Person “means your nervous system is more sensitive to subtleties. Your sight, hearing and sense of smell are not necessarily keener (although it may be) but your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply.”

Therefore a Highly Sensitive Person is someone who is sensitive or more finely tuned to different forms of energy such as light, sound, temperature, smells, touch and even emotions.

As a Highly Sensitive Person, I have learned that being Highly Sensitive is a blessing, however it took me a while to discover the Positivities and learn how to work with or along side my abilities versus seeing my sensitivities as an up hill battle that was more of a hindrance than a benefit.

Having my old “my sensitivities are an uphill battle” mindset definitely did not help me when I was married to someone who was not as Highly Sensitive as me because:

1) I didn’t know enough and didn’t take the time to try to explain what I was all about so my partner would understand why I had to do things to the beat of my own drum all the time and…

2) My negative attitude towards myself created situations where I was my own worst enemy – afterall if I don’t have my own back and I am not kind, supportive and empathetic towards myself how is anyone else suppose to?

When I was married to my 1^st husband, he was very active and very social and could go 24/7 – I was never able to keep up with him because on top of the normal impact of being Highly Sensitive I did not how to properly take care of myself and even if I did my low level of self-love because of what I used to think was a “disability” (being so sensitive all the time) there was no way I would validate or allow myself to follow my energy and take care of myself properly.

So the end result for me was that I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and if I would stay still for longer than 45 minutes at a time I’d fall asleep.

Over time my ex-husband and I grew further and further apart – he’d spend more and more time with family and friends - he was family and friend centred to begin with but he would have to rely on others even more because I just wasn’t up to full capacity to fulfilling his need for constant socializing and activity.

Even though he never expressed his feelings, I’m sure he felt abandoned and lonely as well.

At times, during our marriage I was working a full-time and a part time job so by the end of the day attempting to cook wasn't happening and activities of daily living like cleaning and keeping organized would suffer as well.

So eventually, combined with the rest of our incompatibilities we did get divorced. He carried on and is now remarried and has a child.

Since then I have found Dr. Robby who is Highly Sensitive like myself but even for us we had to adapt to having to follow our own unique energy and rhythms of life to function at our highest and best.

If we didn’t know what we know today, even as two Highly Sensitive People we would have had a lot of Powerstruggles to contend with.

So if there is anything that I would like to get across in this article is the importance of finding out if you and/or your partner is Highly Sensitive and from there do research to see how wonderful, positive and productive your life together can be when you understand your uniqueness and unconditionally love, support, and honour how you and/or your partner need to take care of yourselves.

Just as important too - if you or your partner is Highly Sensitive take the time to ensure that yours and your partner’s perception of being Highly Sensitive is one of joy and celebration of knowing about the amazing gifts that you have been given to share with the world!

So the following are some wonderful resources to find out more about being Highly Sensitive:

“The Highly Sensitive Person. How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You." (Published by Broadway Books,1997) by Dr. Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D

"The Highly Sensitive Person In Love" (Published By Broadway Books, 2000) By Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D

For more information on both of these books see Dr. Elaine N. Aaron’s Website @ http://www.hsperson.com

The following link is to an article from a wonderful newsletter called “The Care & Feeding of Empaths & Highly Sensitive Persons” Newsletter. The article itself is called “What Are Self-Coaching Skills & Why Do Sensitive’s Need Them?” by Carolyn Wilson-Elliot.

Even though I just recently read the article, the article really helped me to empower my abilities as a Highly Sensitive Person – once you read it you’ll know and get a sense of what I mean – here is the link:

http://quantumspirit.net/Empaths/Home/WhatareSelf-CoachingSkills/index.cfm

As well, there are many, many people out there who will encourage you and support you.

My article today was inspired after talking to a wonderful person I know on Twitter who’s Twitter Account name is @RevMeKila

If you go to my @ChannelofLight Account (my @MelodyChase Account as well) on Twitter and check out the Profiles of people that I follow you will see an amazing support network of Highly Sensitive People are out there - so go by your feelings and energy if you are drawn to follow any of these amazing people!

Warm Regards

Melody Chase

Want 2 Save Your Relationship? We have a free e-course, free video tutorials & free tips for you @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html