Is Your Partner a Male Diva? Part Four

Welcome to Part Four of our Male Diva Series. In our last post we talked about allowing your partner their freedom whenever possible. Now for Part Four which is…

4) Always Empathize With and Validate Your Partner After Your Partner Expresses How He Feels: This can be naturally difficult thing to do if you are what is called a “mismatcher”, (where you will mismatch anything anyone says) or if you are a High Analytical personality which means you are into logic and truth.

Just to explain why you may mismatch -it allows you to stall and think about whatever a person says before you agree to it - even if your partner says the sky is blue, and you know it is, you will say “No it’s not” because you do not want to be influenced and fed any information until you are ready.

However learning how to empathize with and validate others before responding to their comments will help you in your relationship with your partner as well as other relationships in your life.

No one wants to be told that their feelings and emotions are not true or to be invalidated and Expressives are no different, they are just more naturally sensitive towards being shutdown or invalidated because of the threat of looking bad and the threat of having their freedom taken away.

Different people have better memories than others, and others get more easily flustered depending on the situation, so I have included a “3 Step”, “2 Step” and “1 Step” option on how the empathize with and validate your partner.

3 Step

The first 2 parts of this 3 step option is from the book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality” by J. Kreisman, M.D. and Hal Straus, (Published Avon Books, Feb 01, 1991).


Say the following:

1) I am very concerned about your feelings.
2) It must be horrible (or whatever description fits the situation) that you feel____ or that _____happened to you or I understand how you feel.
3) How can I support you or how can I help you to feel better?

This way your partner knows that you are concerned and you have acknowledged how he feels. You also put the solution to how he can feel better in his hands so it increases the chances of resolving what he needs.

2 Step

I actually got this step from the Movie “Woodcock” – A Fictional Comedy about a Published Self-Help Guru who wrote a book called “Letting Go” after being tormented by his gym teacher when he was a kid. The steps go as follows:

Step One: “I appreciate how you feel.”
Step Two: “I’m sorry you feel that way or I’m happy you feel this way etc.”

1 Step

The following are “one-liners” that you can use in a pinch:

“Yes, I understand how you would feel embarrassed.”
“Yes, I feel how embarrassing that would be for you.”
“Yes, I see how embarrassing that would be to you.”
“Yes, I hear you in regards to how embarrassing that you would be for you.”

Once you empathize and/or validate your partner, you can then share that you have a difference of opinion, but at least you allowed your partner his feelings and opinion 1st.

Come back to find out what’s up for Part Five in our 7 Part Male Diva Series.

Wishing You Fun, Freedom and Love,

Melody Chase


Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Is Your Partner a Male Diva? Part Three

By Melody Chase

Welcome to Part Three of our Male Diva Series. If your need to review about what a Male Expressive is all about, please read Part One of our Male Diva series, otherwise let’s just jump right in…

3) Allow Your Partner Their Freedom Whenever Possible: Expressives are all about freedom and if they are angry it is often a sign that they feel their freedom is being taking away.

So whenever possible, if you have a difference of opinion, (yes, even a difference of opinion is a way of taking someone’s freedom away) there are ways to approach your Expressive.

Plus, don’t forget to be nice if you have a difference of opinion - agreeing to disagree is very important in a relationship, but to prevent bursting an Expressive’s bubble when he has an idea, the following are two gentle ways of letting him know you have a difference of opinion:

The first is:

Say to your partner:

“I love you and I do not want to take your freedom away, so this is only an opinion, but I feel your black tie will go better with your blue suit then the neon green tie you are wearing.”

This way your partner knows you love him ( which is always a great way to start off a discussion), he knows that you know that freedom is important to him and you are not trying to take his freedom away plus you are owning your own feelings and opinions by saying “in my opinion” and “I feel”.

The second way is:

Say to your partner:

1) Your idea is fine.
2) I see that you are excited about your idea.
3) In truth, it wouldn’t work for me but it’s a great idea and I totally support you with what you think.

This way your partner feels totally good and supported about his idea, yet he knows that you have a difference of opinion. The communication is kept open and he will not feel offended.

Often what will happen too, is that your partner will then be curious about your opinion, instead of defensive, offended or discouraged.

Come back and visit us again for Part Four on our 7 Part Male Diva Series.

Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com/