The Untold Story of Being a Highly Sensitive Person and Your Relationship

In our Love By Design Book and in our Love By Design Top 10 Ten Compatibilities For Relationship Success Free E-course (http://www.lovebydesignbook.com) one of the Top Ten Compatibilities that we talk about is Capacity.

Specifically, do you and your partner have the capacity - mentally, emotionally and physically to be in a relationship?

In our Love By Design Book and in our Love By Design E-course we give some examples of Capacity such as being emotionally, mentally or physically burn-out or if you and/or your partner have a chronic illness how this can effect the synergy and functionality of your relationship.

One area that we touched on but didn’t go into very much detail about was if you and/or your partner is a Highly Sensitive Person.

According Dr. Elaine N. Aron, PhD’s book “The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You." (Published by Broadway Books, 1997), being a Highly Sensitive Person “means your nervous system is more sensitive to subtleties. Your sight, hearing and sense of smell are not necessarily keener (although it may be) but your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply.”

Therefore a Highly Sensitive Person is someone who is sensitive or more finely tuned to different forms of energy such as light, sound, temperature, smells, touch and even emotions.

As a Highly Sensitive Person, I have learned that being Highly Sensitive is a blessing, however it took me a while to discover the Positivities and learn how to work with or along side my abilities versus seeing my sensitivities as an up hill battle that was more of a hindrance than a benefit.

Having my old “my sensitivities are an uphill battle” mindset definitely did not help me when I was married to someone who was not as Highly Sensitive as me because:

1) I didn’t know enough and didn’t take the time to try to explain what I was all about so my partner would understand why I had to do things to the beat of my own drum all the time and…

2) My negative attitude towards myself created situations where I was my own worst enemy – afterall if I don’t have my own back and I am not kind, supportive and empathetic towards myself how is anyone else suppose to?

When I was married to my 1^st husband, he was very active and very social and could go 24/7 – I was never able to keep up with him because on top of the normal impact of being Highly Sensitive I did not how to properly take care of myself and even if I did my low level of self-love because of what I used to think was a “disability” (being so sensitive all the time) there was no way I would validate or allow myself to follow my energy and take care of myself properly.

So the end result for me was that I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and if I would stay still for longer than 45 minutes at a time I’d fall asleep.

Over time my ex-husband and I grew further and further apart – he’d spend more and more time with family and friends - he was family and friend centred to begin with but he would have to rely on others even more because I just wasn’t up to full capacity to fulfilling his need for constant socializing and activity.

Even though he never expressed his feelings, I’m sure he felt abandoned and lonely as well.

At times, during our marriage I was working a full-time and a part time job so by the end of the day attempting to cook wasn't happening and activities of daily living like cleaning and keeping organized would suffer as well.

So eventually, combined with the rest of our incompatibilities we did get divorced. He carried on and is now remarried and has a child.

Since then I have found Dr. Robby who is Highly Sensitive like myself but even for us we had to adapt to having to follow our own unique energy and rhythms of life to function at our highest and best.

If we didn’t know what we know today, even as two Highly Sensitive People we would have had a lot of Powerstruggles to contend with.

So if there is anything that I would like to get across in this article is the importance of finding out if you and/or your partner is Highly Sensitive and from there do research to see how wonderful, positive and productive your life together can be when you understand your uniqueness and unconditionally love, support, and honour how you and/or your partner need to take care of yourselves.

Just as important too - if you or your partner is Highly Sensitive take the time to ensure that yours and your partner’s perception of being Highly Sensitive is one of joy and celebration of knowing about the amazing gifts that you have been given to share with the world!

So the following are some wonderful resources to find out more about being Highly Sensitive:

“The Highly Sensitive Person. How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You." (Published by Broadway Books,1997) by Dr. Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D

"The Highly Sensitive Person In Love" (Published By Broadway Books, 2000) By Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D

For more information on both of these books see Dr. Elaine N. Aaron’s Website @ http://www.hsperson.com

The following link is to an article from a wonderful newsletter called “The Care & Feeding of Empaths & Highly Sensitive Persons” Newsletter. The article itself is called “What Are Self-Coaching Skills & Why Do Sensitive’s Need Them?” by Carolyn Wilson-Elliot.

Even though I just recently read the article, the article really helped me to empower my abilities as a Highly Sensitive Person – once you read it you’ll know and get a sense of what I mean – here is the link:

http://quantumspirit.net/Empaths/Home/WhatareSelf-CoachingSkills/index.cfm

As well, there are many, many people out there who will encourage you and support you.

My article today was inspired after talking to a wonderful person I know on Twitter who’s Twitter Account name is @RevMeKila

If you go to my @ChannelofLight Account (my @MelodyChase Account as well) on Twitter and check out the Profiles of people that I follow you will see an amazing support network of Highly Sensitive People are out there - so go by your feelings and energy if you are drawn to follow any of these amazing people!

Warm Regards

Melody Chase

Want 2 Save Your Relationship? We have a free e-course, free video tutorials & free tips for you @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

How To Tell If Your Partner Will Cheat – Top 5 Signs That Your Partner Is The Cheating Kind.

Are you in a new relationship and not sure whether you can trust your partner or are you already in a relationship and your guts are telling you to keep a close watch on your partner?

As far as you can tell, your partner is not the type who would cheat, but you wonder how you can tell for sure if he/she has the potential within him/her to have an affair?

The good news is that there are some common traits to look out for when you are getting into a new relationship or when you are beginning to have doubts about the partner you are already in a serious relationship with.

The following are the Top 5 Signs That Your Partner is the Cheating Kind:

1) Character Disordered

Simply put, a person who lacks character is Character Disordered. Some people have been taught that this is how to get their way in life; others are Character Disordered simply because they can get away with it. Why they are the way they are doesn’t really matter here – what matters is that if your partner thinks he/she can get away with whatever he/she wants and is not interested in the welfare of others or the cause and effect of his/her behavior and decisions then there is nothing stopping your partner from cheating. Simple ways to tell if your partner is character disordered is that you will often hear your partner lying to other people or you catch him/her cheating when playing boardgames and he/she doesn’t appear to be sorry for what he/she is doing but rather proud and up for the challenge.

2) Super Pain Avoidant

Most people are either Pain Avoidant meaning their focus in life is to move away from pain or people are Pleasure Centred which means their focus in life is to move towards pleasure or are moved by pleasure. However people who Super Pain Avoidant or who cannot stand pain or conflict of any sort are prime candidates for cheating because they are to afraid to ask for what they want or communicate their needs. If Super Pain Avoiders are in enough pain from not getting their needs met over time they would rather risk the chance and have an affair then to risk the conflict of confronting or talking it out with their partners. It doesn’t sound like such a bright idea because of the potential of much greater and more intense conflict if they are caught, but Super Pain Avoiders are just interested in avoiding pain in the moment and the near future over all things including logic or examining the big picture of things. The way to recognize Super Pain Avoidance people are that they will avoid discussions at all costs, rarely tell the truth about what their requirements, needs, wants etc are and are extremely sensitive to conflict to a point where they will cringe or even run away in an uncomfortable situation.

3) Super Pleasure Centred

A Super Pleasure Centred person’s main focus is pleasure - like an addiction, pleasure comes first other people and their feelings come second. So if Super Pleasure Centred people see someone who is more pleasurable than their current partner in whichever way pleasurable means to them, they are going to be moved to seek out the more pleasurable person. It is not even anything personal - they are just being moved by their desire for pleasure. The way to recognize a Super Pleasure Centred person is that pleasure is all consuming in their life. A healthy person seeks out self-love which in turn creates pleasurable situations for themselves, but a Super Pleasure Centred person will feel to you like they are unbalanced and seeking pleasure unconsciously and in an overindulgent way.

4) Doesn’t Take Responsibility For Themselves

The problem with people who don’t take responsibility for themselves is that they have a tendency to blame others and feel unjustly wronged, resentful and revengeful towards others who are not giving them what they want in the way they want it which primes them towards having affairs with little reservation and a whole lot of justification for having the affair. For example “It’s my partner’s fault, if she didn’t hold back from giving me what I needed I wouldn’t have gone to another woman.” A tell-tale sign of a person who doesn’t take responsibility for themselves is that they will often be heard complaining and blaming everyone else in their life for what happens or doesn’t happen to them in their life.

5) Have Cheated in the Past

In an another article I wrote, I explained how if your partner has had an affair in the past whether it is with you or someone else, this is sign of the potential of your partner cheating again in the future. Yes, many people may cheat once and vow to never do it again and they don’t. However, for others especially the people who say that they would never have an affair in the first place, the fact that they were able to give in to the affair indicates that there is a point where they give in and if the temptation was strong enough to get them over the hump to cheat the first time around what is stopping them from an even stronger temptation to cheat once again?

Knowledge gives you the power to decide what to do in your relationship and even if your partner has the potential to cheat and hasn’t acted out on it, all of the above traits are issues that need to be addressed and/or resolved in order to have a healthy, functional relationship that will grow and expand for the rest of your lives.

There are always solutions and answers –gifts in disguise - for a happy relationship when issues are opened up to the light of knowledge and understanding of yours and your partner’s reality.

Melody Chase

Issues that have been discussed above are addressed in our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program and as you may know by now we have our Official Launch Date for our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program which is Jan 18^th 2009!

So if you are looking for more suggestions on how to heal, repair and rebuild your relationship, we encourage you to look into our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at www.counsellorinabox.com where we provide you with real-life, practical, proven solutions, support and resources to help you save your relationship.

Announcing Counsellor in a Box Official Launch Date!

We have an Official Launch Date for our Counsellor In a Box Relationship Home Study Program which is Jan 18th 2009!

We will send you a reminder as we get closer to the launch date.

As a review, the Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program is for you if:

• You are in a committed relationship and are looking for advice and tools to improve or strengthen your relationship and/or rekindle the spark in your relationship.
• If you or your partner have cheated and you are looking for ways to repair your relationship.
• You are looking for ways to get your lover back and keep him or her forever.

For More Information Check-out Our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program Website at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Happy New Year!

Melody Chase
Centre For Life Management
http://www.trueloveondemand.com
http://www.lovebydesignbook.com
http://www.counsellorinabox.com
http://www.drrobbyonline.com
Email: relationshipcentre@shaw.ca
(204) 475-0323

How To Get Over Being Cheated On

By Melody Chase

I have noticed that in many of my articles related to cheating and being cheated on, that the feedback from the readers’ comments are that one of the hardest parts about being cheated on is about the reader wanting to take his/her unfaithful partner back but the reader can’t because he/she just can’t get over what the unfaithful partner has done.

If this sounds like you, you probably already know that the reality is there are no easy solutions, but the following are three suggestions that may help you in your healing process:

1) Talk To Someone Who Knows How To Listen and Empathize With Your Feelings and What You Have Gone Through:

You have your friends who rally around you calling your unfaithful partner every negative name they can think of, you have your friends who will take you out so you will have fun and you have the friends who will sit silently with you or hug you while your cry (or “hug it out” for the guys) but you also need to find someone (a friend, family member or support counsellor) who can listen, validate and empathize with both your feelings and what you have been through in order to heal unresolved emotions.

It is the unresolved emotions of sadness, loss, resentment and betrayal that will keep you stuck in pain and in an unforgiving state.

2) Give Yourself Permission To Take The Time To Heal

Your unfaithful partner knows you are angry and untrusting right now, but if you are thinking about getting back together with your partner, you can not help but feel some pressure to move forward in your relationship even if your partner isn’t directly pressuring you.

The important thing is to stand your ground and take the time you need to heal and recover. If you get back together with your partner too soon or before you are ready any underlying resentment, anger, feelings of betrayal or loss of trust that hasn’t been healed is going to simmer underneath the surface instead of go away which does nothing but prolong your ability to heal what you have been through.

3) Appreciation Exercise:

If you and your unfaithful partner are thinking about getting back together but you cannot even look your partner in the face let alone in the eyes without re-living all the feelings of betrayal, anger and loss, then I would recommend doing the following Appreciation Exercise.

On a piece of paper write down 10 things that you appreciate about your partner, then read it back to yourself or even to your partner. Read the list often and add more to the list if you can think of anything else that you appreciate about your partner as you go along.

This exercise is designed to remind you of what originally attracted you to or kept you attracted to your partner before he or she cheated. This exercise also helps to impress you with positive associations of your partner to help override the negative associations when you see your partner in the present moment.

With the support from family and friends, taking one day at a time as well as following the suggestions above, you will be able to fully embrace your partner with love and trust once again.

If you are looking for more suggestions on how to heal, repair and rebuild your relationship, we encourage you to look into our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at www.counsellorinabox.com where we provide you with real-life, practical, proven solutions, support and resources to help you save your relationship.

Is Your Partner a Male Diva? Part Seven

Welcome to Part Seven or our Grande Finale of our Male Diva Series. In our last post we talked about the importance of having fun and creating an environment of fun for your Expressive Male. For our last part of our series, let’s discuss…

7) Knowing The Difference Between Disagreement and Disapproval:

Knowing the difference between disagreement and disapproval is so important to an Expressive, that I am just going to get Dr. Robby ( Director of the LMC Relationship Centre) to explain. The following is an excerpt from our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program (http://www.counsellorinabox.com/)

Dr. Robby has the following to say about disapproval:

“Disagreement occurs on the mental or rational level. You may disagree with your partner’s choice of a tie. Or you may disagree with him being too tiredto go out after work.”

“Disapproval, on the other hand, occurs on the emotional level. Disagreement turns into disapproval when you start to withdraw emotionally from your partner.”

“Disapproval implies: ‘You did something I disagree with therefore, I can’t love you as much as before - so I am pulling away now.’ You disagree with your partner’s choice of a tie and then disapprove of him for making that choice and you turn off your love for him. It’s your disapproval of others that turns simple disagreements into big issues.”

“You can notice yourself changing from a disagreeing lover (healthy) to a disapproving lover (not healthy) when you catch yourself assigning negative qualities to your partner’s character: He is tacky, he lacks class, he is inconsiderate, he is overemotional, he is not understanding. When you move from evaluating the problem to evaluating the person, you are disapproving and not just disagreeing.”

“In successful relationships people accept one another. They do not necessarily agree with one another, but they have an acceptance, understanding and forgiveness.”

“Disapproval is based on criticism and judgment. Conditional love is based on approval. Unconditional love is based on acceptance.”

The major cause of conflict between two people is a lack of strong, positive emotional connection. So my (Dr. Robby’s) formula for dealing with conflict is:

1. Put the issue aside.

2. Reestablish your connection with your partner by dissolving the emotional tension.

3. Then go back to deal with the issue.

And of course keep in mind that you are in disagreement with your partner’s behavior or opinion – not your partner as a person. Keeping this last point in mind helps you from sliding over from Disagreement to Disapproval.

I have presented to you a lot of information to take in, so take your time and even just concentrate on one point or way at a time until you get used to it and then work on the next one. It will be worth it because you will see how happy and appreciative your Expressive partner will become.

Wishing You Fun, Freedom and Love,

Melody Chase

Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Is Your Partner a Male Diva? Part Six

Welcome to Part Six of our Male Diva Series. In our last post we talked about the importance of being your Male Diva’s #1 Cheerleader. Now for Part Six which is…

6) Have Fun – Create An Environment Of Fun: Expressives, (including Expressive males) middle name in “Fun”. They live and breathe for fun and it is one of their top values. So why not make the activities of daily life – fun?

For example - pealing potatoes? Make it fun, have the Potato Olympics where every time your partner peels potatoes, “time it” to see how long he takes (if there is skin still left on the potatoes, that’s o.k., it’s healthy for you.) Then the next time he peels, see if he beat his own personal time.

Cleaning? Put on his favorite music.

Got a cell phone? For no reason whatsoever just phone home while your still at home and get him to answer just to say “Hi”. In fact, just randomly call and say you miss him while you are out.

Watching T.V together? (Even if this normally bugs you) start commenting on the characters like you know them because Expressives just love people even people they don’t know.

There is no reason why we can’t be productive and have fun at the same time – in fact I have feeling that more productivity can be accomplished when people are having fun because everyone is more relaxed and more in the moment and aware of their surroundings.

For years, when I worked at a Marketing Research Firm, we were not allowed to do anything between phone-calls, not even doodle. One year the firm tried out a trial run where we were allowed to draw and read, do puzzles or write between calls and our productivity soared. Needless to say, we were allowed to do what we like between calls permanently after the trial was over.

Come back again for our Grande Finale of our 7 Part Male Diva Series.

Wishing You Fun, Freedom and Love,


Melody Chase

Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Is Your Partner a Male Diva? Part Five

Welcome to Part Five of our Male Diva Series. In our last post we talked about the importance of always empathizing with and validating your partner after your partner expresses how he feels. Now for Part Five which is…

5) Be Your Partner’s #1 Cheerleader in Public: Nothing devastates an Expressive more than being publicly humiliated – he just wants to be loved for who he is and he so definitely does not want to look bad in front of others.

So whatever you do don’t point out that his tie is crooked or there is BBQ sauce on his chin in front of others and don’t stand there with him in a group of mutual friends and start telling the funny story about how your partner stepped in a can of paint while painting the garage the other day. (This includes talking to your friends on the phone.)

Imagine that your partner is the President of the United States (o.k., even though right now you may be thinking – yeah right) and you are his Chief Press Secretary – your job is to raise him up and have people admire him for the wonderful person he is.

Come back again to find out what’s up for Part Six in our 7 Part Male Diva Series.

Wishing You Fun, Freedom and Love,



Melody Chase


Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Is Your Partner a Male Diva? Part Four

Welcome to Part Four of our Male Diva Series. In our last post we talked about allowing your partner their freedom whenever possible. Now for Part Four which is…

4) Always Empathize With and Validate Your Partner After Your Partner Expresses How He Feels: This can be naturally difficult thing to do if you are what is called a “mismatcher”, (where you will mismatch anything anyone says) or if you are a High Analytical personality which means you are into logic and truth.

Just to explain why you may mismatch -it allows you to stall and think about whatever a person says before you agree to it - even if your partner says the sky is blue, and you know it is, you will say “No it’s not” because you do not want to be influenced and fed any information until you are ready.

However learning how to empathize with and validate others before responding to their comments will help you in your relationship with your partner as well as other relationships in your life.

No one wants to be told that their feelings and emotions are not true or to be invalidated and Expressives are no different, they are just more naturally sensitive towards being shutdown or invalidated because of the threat of looking bad and the threat of having their freedom taken away.

Different people have better memories than others, and others get more easily flustered depending on the situation, so I have included a “3 Step”, “2 Step” and “1 Step” option on how the empathize with and validate your partner.

3 Step

The first 2 parts of this 3 step option is from the book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality” by J. Kreisman, M.D. and Hal Straus, (Published Avon Books, Feb 01, 1991).


Say the following:

1) I am very concerned about your feelings.
2) It must be horrible (or whatever description fits the situation) that you feel____ or that _____happened to you or I understand how you feel.
3) How can I support you or how can I help you to feel better?

This way your partner knows that you are concerned and you have acknowledged how he feels. You also put the solution to how he can feel better in his hands so it increases the chances of resolving what he needs.

2 Step

I actually got this step from the Movie “Woodcock” – A Fictional Comedy about a Published Self-Help Guru who wrote a book called “Letting Go” after being tormented by his gym teacher when he was a kid. The steps go as follows:

Step One: “I appreciate how you feel.”
Step Two: “I’m sorry you feel that way or I’m happy you feel this way etc.”

1 Step

The following are “one-liners” that you can use in a pinch:

“Yes, I understand how you would feel embarrassed.”
“Yes, I feel how embarrassing that would be for you.”
“Yes, I see how embarrassing that would be to you.”
“Yes, I hear you in regards to how embarrassing that you would be for you.”

Once you empathize and/or validate your partner, you can then share that you have a difference of opinion, but at least you allowed your partner his feelings and opinion 1st.

Come back to find out what’s up for Part Five in our 7 Part Male Diva Series.

Wishing You Fun, Freedom and Love,

Melody Chase


Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Is Your Partner a Male Diva? Part Three

By Melody Chase

Welcome to Part Three of our Male Diva Series. If your need to review about what a Male Expressive is all about, please read Part One of our Male Diva series, otherwise let’s just jump right in…

3) Allow Your Partner Their Freedom Whenever Possible: Expressives are all about freedom and if they are angry it is often a sign that they feel their freedom is being taking away.

So whenever possible, if you have a difference of opinion, (yes, even a difference of opinion is a way of taking someone’s freedom away) there are ways to approach your Expressive.

Plus, don’t forget to be nice if you have a difference of opinion - agreeing to disagree is very important in a relationship, but to prevent bursting an Expressive’s bubble when he has an idea, the following are two gentle ways of letting him know you have a difference of opinion:

The first is:

Say to your partner:

“I love you and I do not want to take your freedom away, so this is only an opinion, but I feel your black tie will go better with your blue suit then the neon green tie you are wearing.”

This way your partner knows you love him ( which is always a great way to start off a discussion), he knows that you know that freedom is important to him and you are not trying to take his freedom away plus you are owning your own feelings and opinions by saying “in my opinion” and “I feel”.

The second way is:

Say to your partner:

1) Your idea is fine.
2) I see that you are excited about your idea.
3) In truth, it wouldn’t work for me but it’s a great idea and I totally support you with what you think.

This way your partner feels totally good and supported about his idea, yet he knows that you have a difference of opinion. The communication is kept open and he will not feel offended.

Often what will happen too, is that your partner will then be curious about your opinion, instead of defensive, offended or discouraged.

Come back and visit us again for Part Four on our 7 Part Male Diva Series.

Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com/

Is Your Partner A Male Diva? Part Two

Welcome to Part Two of our Male Diva 7 Part Series.
Hi, it’s Melody.

Let’s jump right in and find out the second way on how you can give your Expressive Male Partner what he wants, in the way he wants it. If you need a review about what Male Expressives are all about, please read Part One of our Male Diva Series.

2) Start Every Conversation Off With Something Positive: Usually in most articles I suggest using the “Mary Kay Style” of approaching negative feedback with your partner, which is to say something positive - then something negative - then something positive.

For example “Thank you for volunteering to peel the potatoes, it really helps me out, I noticed that you are missing some of the spuds, so you may have to dig in a little deeper, however I’m so happy at how quickly you are getting through the whole bag.”

However, with some Expressives, especially if they are super sensitive of looking bad, (Looking bad to an Expressive is the equivalent to Kryptonite for Superman) keep the negative feedback to a minimum.

Prioritize only negative behaviours that are of the highest importance to you and just let the rest go and as I started off saying, no matter what- always start every conversation off with something positive.

I think I’ll have fun again and make Part Three of our Male Diva Series, yet another Cliffhanger.

Wishing You Fun, Freedom and Love,

Melody Chase

P.S. In case you may be wondering who the male is in the picture, it is the character Vincent Chase, from the HBO series “Entourage”. In the series, he plays a popular Hollywood actor and classic Male Expressive who keeps his entourage of best friends with him at all times who unconditionally love and support him for who he is.

Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com/

IS YOUR PARTNER A GOOD LISTENER? 10 WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR PARTNER IS REALLY LISTENING.

By Melody Chase

A good listener is worth their weight in gold and one of the most important foundations in a relationship is for both partners to be good listeners.

So whether you are already in a relationship and are looking for a good listener to use as a role model or if you are looking for the love of your life and one of your criteria is someone who is a good listener, it is always good to be able to recognize a good listener.

So the following are ten signs of a good listener:

1) You Can Feel That The Listener Is Fully Present And In the Moment With You: You can tell the difference between someone who is fully in the moment with you versus someone who has their mind on something else is when you are talking to the unfocused person you will get an urge to rush through what you are saying versus when you are with a person who is totally focused on you, you will feel at home and that you have all the time in the world to say what you have to say. With a person who is totally focused on you, you will almost feel like sighing because you feel so supported and because you feel like you are truly the centre of their attention.

2) The Listener Will Keep Eye Contact With You: The listener will keep constant eye contact with you, only looking away on occasion to prevent staring or awkwardness.

3) The Listener Will Nod, Smile And Give You Auditory Feedback: A good listener will nod, smile and give you auditory feedback such as “Mm hum”, “Yeah” “I see” or “No, really?” in a sincere and interested way to encourage you to continue and to indicate that they are listening.

4) The Listener Will Encourage You To Continue Talking: As you are talking, they will encourage you to continue talking. For example they will say things like “That’s really interesting” or “I find that interesting, please continue “or “I’d like to hear more.”

5) The Listener Will Parrot Back What You Are Saying When Appropriate: Every once in a while, a good listener will parrot back what you say to indicate they are paying attention and that they are right in your story with you.

6) The Listener Will Only Finish Your Sentence When Appropriate: A good listener will only finish your sentence when the timing is right, not to try to rush you through your story or to help you out when you are at a loss of words, but to show that they are on the same wave length as you.

7) The Listener Goes By the 80% Listening, 20% Talking Rule: A good listener knows that the art of being a good listener (whether that is because they just intuitively know or because they are actually aware of the rule) will listen approximately 80% of the time during the course of the conversation and spend only 20% of the conversation talking.

8) The Listener Will Keep The Conversation Focused on Your Topic of Discussion: There is nothing more annoying than to open a conversation with someone and they change the topic on you in the middle of what you are trying to express. This often happens when the person gives you an example about themselves to show that they understand what you are saying but then they keep going with their example or take the opportunity while the attention is on themselves to switch topics. A good listener if they feel the need to use an example to back up what you were saying will keep it short and will return the conversation back to what you were talking about.

9) The Listener Will Ask You Thoughtful and Open-ended Questions About What You Are Talking About: A good listener will ask you thoughtful questions that will lead you into opening up into further detail about your topic of discussion. For example, they may say something like “ So you work in the Marketing Department, tell me about some of the duties that you are in charge of or what specifically are in you charge of or what aspects of your job do you love?”

10) The Listener Knows How to Empathize With You: When a good listener feeds back how you are feeling, their description of the feeling or emotion will actually match how you are feeling. If they are off, they are dedicated to finding out how you are truly feeling versus throwing out a bunch of descriptions of how you are feeling in hopes of eventually guessing the correct feeling or emotion.

If you recognize a good listener in your life, tell them you how much you appreciate them. If you are still looking for a good listener to come into you life, it is both worth the search and the wait, because not only will they create a wonderful communication foundation for your relationship, they will always make you feel special and supported in expressing yourself.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Are you looking for more information about communication and your relationship?

We Have Several Resources To Fit Your Needs:

Are you having communication problems and you are not sure whether you should stay or go in your relationship? Check out our Love By Design Book @ http://www.lovebydesignbook.com/

Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/

Is your relationship under a lot of stress and strain because your children don't listen and you feel like there must be a secret to parenting you are missing? We have the answers in Dr. Robby's Free "7 Lost Parenting Secrets Report". Check it out @ http://www.7lostparentingsecrets.com/