What To Do When Your Partner Is Having a “Midlife Crisis”

Special Note: To make this article easier to read I will be using “He” when referring to the person having the Midlife Crisis but of course you can substitute with the appropriate gender.

So what do you do when your partner is having a midlife crisis and in particular if your partner’s midlife crisis involves an affair with another person?

LEAVE – Yes, either leave or have your partner leave the premises until he is done his soul searching and figures out what he wants with his life. Stay at a friends, relatives, even a shelter if your partner refuses to leave himself.

Separating is especially important when he is saying things like “ I just don’t see a future together”, “I’m afraid to have sex with you right now because I am confused and I am afraid that that we will get pregnant even though I still find your attractive” or “ I can’t get rid of her because she is my business partner and I have invested 4 years into the business” or “give me time to get rid of her – I just can’t handle telling her right now with all the pressure – oh my high blood pressure” ( And there will be pressure and stress hence why he is having the midlife crisis.)

Be personable and friendly to keep necessary communication about such things as finances, children, business ties etc in tact but otherwise cut all connection to your partner.

No connection includes sex of course but even more subtle things such as kissing, hugging, snuggles, intimate conversations and dating in the beginning.

If you still want to have a relationship with your partner tell him you are still interested and you will wait but at a distance until he sows he wild oats.

The reality is with most midlife crisis’s there is no immediate way to sway him back to having your old relationship with you unless he experiences you completely disconnecting from him.

At first you giving him the cold shoulder will not be a big deal for him and he’ll be giving you negotiation suggestions like “Well, I’ll stop seeing her on a personal basis I’ll just continue being business partners with her” and other utterly ridiculous beyond belief suggestions that will make you gasp in disbelief – but hold firm and do not negotiate at this stage of the game.

This is because whether he admits to still loving you or not – his head is in the clouds and you hold no value to him hence no power for negotiation – it is easy for him just to drop you like a hot potato especially if you pressure him even if you are married and/or have been together for many, many years.

Holding firm and not allowing him in your life until he has done his soul searching will lead to 1 of 2 things – he’ll either snap out of his low self-esteem, fantasy world and “can’t handle reality” phase into a functional, healthy, mature phase of choosing you and rebuilding a new life and relationship with you or he’ll drop you and leave with the new person.

The drop you and leave with the new person route sounds absolutely horrible – I know - your stomach dropped out and landed on the floor when you read this but to save the heart break and disappointment of being hurt, betrayed and disappointed on pretty much a daily basis while he is in his mid-life crisis – it is much easier to cut your “losses” and grieve and go through the 7 stages of loss so you can recover and carry on with your life – with or without your partner – let time and commitment to self-love shake things out for you instead.

The other danger of trying to control the external and trying to woo and/ or negotiate with your partner is that on top of the initial damage done of being caught cheating or your partner telling you that he is not sure about yours and his relationship anymore is your partner letting you think that you have as much meaning to him as used bath water.

If you stay and try to make it work while he’s in the middle of his fantasyland he will hurt you over and over and the repetitive scarring to your heart and soul starts building up and eventually you will become hard and cold.

The Great Dividers of Love becomes so heavy and hard that even when he does return to you, you may be too far gone and even if your heart manages to be resuscitated the damage to the relationship is going to be humongous – rebuilding your relationship is going to be a tremendous undertaking (especially if you are repetitively hurt day after day) - only the strongest can survive.

So you need to come from a state of grace, self-respect, confidence and self-love.

Sure you are going to be all over the map emotionally – raging, crying, shaking from waves of abandonment coursing through your body but just remember don’t hold it in – it is your right to grieve – for your health on all levels including mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually make sure you let it all out on your own time and/or with friends, family, counsellors etc.

As well, allow your emotions to run free because even though your heart may be bleeding, the flow of emotions prevents your heart from getting clogged up and scarred metaphorically as well potentially physically.

Now, during this time period, (once you are over being stunned) is the perfect time to work on yourself and focus on self-love since grief usually puts you into the now and you are very present so you will be able to achieve amazing levels of healing and rising of consciousness, maybe not in the specific area of your relationship because your situation is so raw, but you may learn a lot about yourself and make realizations about your past that will take you to new levels of growth and self-appreciation now and for the future.

Working on yourself is also a great way to fill in the moments when you begin to feel impatient and want to try and force your partner into bending to your wants and needs which when done too early into the separation just pushes him away further.

Just remember hold true to yourself and remain strong.

Imagine you have a daughter if you don’t already have one (or a son) and however you are choosing to treat yourself is how your daughter is learning to treat herself – would you want your child to be a doormat or would you want her to learn about self-respect, grace, confidence and self-love even in the face of possibly the biggest upheaval of her life.

Last but not least, although it may seem really hard to believe right now but have faith that everything will be alright for you regardless of what happens – some people may not like the word surrender but have an intention of what your want but no expectations and you will be fine as well as understand that detachment to your current situation will give you the peace of mind and stamina to remain strong and in a state of grace.

So you need to protect your heart and hold firm, you are holding the flame of your relationship – it is your job to maintain and assure that the flame doesn’t burn-out until you get to the point where both you and your partner can see clearly enough and decide whether to continue tending to the flame or not.

If you and your partner eventually decide to continue your relationship we are here to support you - we have our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program to help you rebuild your relationship @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com, and for free relationship resources check-out our Counsellor in a Box Blog and Relationship Tutorial Site @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

You may also email us with any relationship questions @ relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Want 2 Save Your Relationship? We have a free e-course, free video tutorials & free tips 4 U @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

How To Tell If Your Partner Will Cheat – Top 5 Signs That Your Partner Is The Cheating Kind.

Are you in a new relationship and not sure whether you can trust your partner or are you already in a relationship and your guts are telling you to keep a close watch on your partner?

As far as you can tell, your partner is not the type who would cheat, but you wonder how you can tell for sure if he/she has the potential within him/her to have an affair?

The good news is that there are some common traits to look out for when you are getting into a new relationship or when you are beginning to have doubts about the partner you are already in a serious relationship with.

The following are the Top 5 Signs That Your Partner is the Cheating Kind:

1) Character Disordered

Simply put, a person who lacks character is Character Disordered. Some people have been taught that this is how to get their way in life; others are Character Disordered simply because they can get away with it. Why they are the way they are doesn’t really matter here – what matters is that if your partner thinks he/she can get away with whatever he/she wants and is not interested in the welfare of others or the cause and effect of his/her behavior and decisions then there is nothing stopping your partner from cheating. Simple ways to tell if your partner is character disordered is that you will often hear your partner lying to other people or you catch him/her cheating when playing boardgames and he/she doesn’t appear to be sorry for what he/she is doing but rather proud and up for the challenge.

2) Super Pain Avoidant

Most people are either Pain Avoidant meaning their focus in life is to move away from pain or people are Pleasure Centred which means their focus in life is to move towards pleasure or are moved by pleasure. However people who Super Pain Avoidant or who cannot stand pain or conflict of any sort are prime candidates for cheating because they are to afraid to ask for what they want or communicate their needs. If Super Pain Avoiders are in enough pain from not getting their needs met over time they would rather risk the chance and have an affair then to risk the conflict of confronting or talking it out with their partners. It doesn’t sound like such a bright idea because of the potential of much greater and more intense conflict if they are caught, but Super Pain Avoiders are just interested in avoiding pain in the moment and the near future over all things including logic or examining the big picture of things. The way to recognize Super Pain Avoidance people are that they will avoid discussions at all costs, rarely tell the truth about what their requirements, needs, wants etc are and are extremely sensitive to conflict to a point where they will cringe or even run away in an uncomfortable situation.

3) Super Pleasure Centred

A Super Pleasure Centred person’s main focus is pleasure - like an addiction, pleasure comes first other people and their feelings come second. So if Super Pleasure Centred people see someone who is more pleasurable than their current partner in whichever way pleasurable means to them, they are going to be moved to seek out the more pleasurable person. It is not even anything personal - they are just being moved by their desire for pleasure. The way to recognize a Super Pleasure Centred person is that pleasure is all consuming in their life. A healthy person seeks out self-love which in turn creates pleasurable situations for themselves, but a Super Pleasure Centred person will feel to you like they are unbalanced and seeking pleasure unconsciously and in an overindulgent way.

4) Doesn’t Take Responsibility For Themselves

The problem with people who don’t take responsibility for themselves is that they have a tendency to blame others and feel unjustly wronged, resentful and revengeful towards others who are not giving them what they want in the way they want it which primes them towards having affairs with little reservation and a whole lot of justification for having the affair. For example “It’s my partner’s fault, if she didn’t hold back from giving me what I needed I wouldn’t have gone to another woman.” A tell-tale sign of a person who doesn’t take responsibility for themselves is that they will often be heard complaining and blaming everyone else in their life for what happens or doesn’t happen to them in their life.

5) Have Cheated in the Past

In an another article I wrote, I explained how if your partner has had an affair in the past whether it is with you or someone else, this is sign of the potential of your partner cheating again in the future. Yes, many people may cheat once and vow to never do it again and they don’t. However, for others especially the people who say that they would never have an affair in the first place, the fact that they were able to give in to the affair indicates that there is a point where they give in and if the temptation was strong enough to get them over the hump to cheat the first time around what is stopping them from an even stronger temptation to cheat once again?

Knowledge gives you the power to decide what to do in your relationship and even if your partner has the potential to cheat and hasn’t acted out on it, all of the above traits are issues that need to be addressed and/or resolved in order to have a healthy, functional relationship that will grow and expand for the rest of your lives.

There are always solutions and answers –gifts in disguise - for a happy relationship when issues are opened up to the light of knowledge and understanding of yours and your partner’s reality.

Melody Chase

Issues that have been discussed above are addressed in our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program and as you may know by now we have our Official Launch Date for our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program which is Jan 18^th 2009!

So if you are looking for more suggestions on how to heal, repair and rebuild your relationship, we encourage you to look into our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at www.counsellorinabox.com where we provide you with real-life, practical, proven solutions, support and resources to help you save your relationship.

Announcing Counsellor in a Box Official Launch Date!

We have an Official Launch Date for our Counsellor In a Box Relationship Home Study Program which is Jan 18th 2009!

We will send you a reminder as we get closer to the launch date.

As a review, the Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program is for you if:

• You are in a committed relationship and are looking for advice and tools to improve or strengthen your relationship and/or rekindle the spark in your relationship.
• If you or your partner have cheated and you are looking for ways to repair your relationship.
• You are looking for ways to get your lover back and keep him or her forever.

For More Information Check-out Our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program Website at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Happy New Year!

Melody Chase
Centre For Life Management
http://www.trueloveondemand.com
http://www.lovebydesignbook.com
http://www.counsellorinabox.com
http://www.drrobbyonline.com
Email: relationshipcentre@shaw.ca
(204) 475-0323

How To Get Over Being Cheated On

By Melody Chase

I have noticed that in many of my articles related to cheating and being cheated on, that the feedback from the readers’ comments are that one of the hardest parts about being cheated on is about the reader wanting to take his/her unfaithful partner back but the reader can’t because he/she just can’t get over what the unfaithful partner has done.

If this sounds like you, you probably already know that the reality is there are no easy solutions, but the following are three suggestions that may help you in your healing process:

1) Talk To Someone Who Knows How To Listen and Empathize With Your Feelings and What You Have Gone Through:

You have your friends who rally around you calling your unfaithful partner every negative name they can think of, you have your friends who will take you out so you will have fun and you have the friends who will sit silently with you or hug you while your cry (or “hug it out” for the guys) but you also need to find someone (a friend, family member or support counsellor) who can listen, validate and empathize with both your feelings and what you have been through in order to heal unresolved emotions.

It is the unresolved emotions of sadness, loss, resentment and betrayal that will keep you stuck in pain and in an unforgiving state.

2) Give Yourself Permission To Take The Time To Heal

Your unfaithful partner knows you are angry and untrusting right now, but if you are thinking about getting back together with your partner, you can not help but feel some pressure to move forward in your relationship even if your partner isn’t directly pressuring you.

The important thing is to stand your ground and take the time you need to heal and recover. If you get back together with your partner too soon or before you are ready any underlying resentment, anger, feelings of betrayal or loss of trust that hasn’t been healed is going to simmer underneath the surface instead of go away which does nothing but prolong your ability to heal what you have been through.

3) Appreciation Exercise:

If you and your unfaithful partner are thinking about getting back together but you cannot even look your partner in the face let alone in the eyes without re-living all the feelings of betrayal, anger and loss, then I would recommend doing the following Appreciation Exercise.

On a piece of paper write down 10 things that you appreciate about your partner, then read it back to yourself or even to your partner. Read the list often and add more to the list if you can think of anything else that you appreciate about your partner as you go along.

This exercise is designed to remind you of what originally attracted you to or kept you attracted to your partner before he or she cheated. This exercise also helps to impress you with positive associations of your partner to help override the negative associations when you see your partner in the present moment.

With the support from family and friends, taking one day at a time as well as following the suggestions above, you will be able to fully embrace your partner with love and trust once again.

If you are looking for more suggestions on how to heal, repair and rebuild your relationship, we encourage you to look into our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at www.counsellorinabox.com where we provide you with real-life, practical, proven solutions, support and resources to help you save your relationship.